Monday, September 29, 2014

Yours

"What do you mean, you like when I dom you?" he asks. 

I know what I mean. It's very clear in my head what I mean, but he doesn't understand my choice of words. 

How to explain? 

I like it when you discipline me. No, no...that isn't right. I don't like being disciplined. Yesterday, I was spanked for raising my voice and yelling, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't enjoyable. Certainly nothing like when he ties me up or holds me down and spanks me to ecstasy. No, nothing like that. But it was, in a way, satisfying. 

I like that you take the time to make me important, and to teach me. 

I like how I've grown under your leadership and guidance. 

I feel stronger, more capable. I have more self control.

 I like the feeling I get when I've faced a challenging request from you and I've done it. 

Yes...that is a bit closer to how I really feel. 

How to explain that it's so much more than discipline, though? Discipline is rare...present, always possible, but rare...such a small, but integral part of how we relate.

I don't think I can really explain it all, not even if I sat down and spent hours writing, though I do try to catch it in glimmers and swirls... 

When I sit by him at the end of a long day, and we say nothing, but I put my head in his lap and he slowly, silently, runs his fingers through my hair.

When my phone vibrates during the day and a message pops up from him, checking up on me, "How are you doing, baby girl?"

When he reaches for my hand in a crowded room and links his pinky finger with mine.


When he says, "Time for bed, little one. Go, now." 

Even if he doesn't join me...knowing that he is my leader, and my protector, and he wants me well rested and cared for. Yes. I love that. 

When I'm feeling tired, and exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and he pulls me over to him, his hand fisted at the nape of my neck as he takes a kiss --- he doesn't ask, he takes -- that feeling of release, and comfort makes me feel wanted

Yes, that. 

When I'm straightening up the room, or putting laundry away, and I hear the door shut and lock, and my heart begins to pound, and he silently makes me put down what I'm doing and bends me over the bed, overpowers me and has his way with me, sometimes silently, but sometimes reminding me who I belong to...



Oh, lordy, yes, yes, that. 

How to explain what it's like when I'm frustrated and he gives me his quirky smile and orders, "Let it go." I have no choice...he wouldn't allow me to continue to spiral after he's instructed me to let it go... how I know that I trust him, so it's okay to release my tension, my fears and my worries, how he can take it. 

His strength is mine. 

Strength...that deeply erotic, primal satisfaction I get by being physically overpowered...the knowledge that I can overcome my own weaknesses by obeying him...the desire to keep on pushing, keep on growing, keep on learning...that glorious freedom I get by allowing his strength to remove the frailties and fears I have...

Yes. Yes, it's that. 

There was that time I was in the throes of grieving...the loss of my father was and continues to be profoundly painful...and it just hurt. 

"What is it?" Jason asked, and I simply choked out a whispered, "I miss him, and it hurts." He stood in front of me, over me, bigger and stronger than I am, his steel blue eyes looking into mine, and he wrapped me up. "Put your arms around me," he ordered, and I did, standing a bit on my tippy toes to get my arms around him as his arms circled my waist. "Pretend you're giving it to me," he whispered in my ear. "Feel it go out of you. Give it to me." I felt myself sink into him as I obeyed. 

"I can take it," he whispered. 

He did. 

He does. 


How to explain that? I can't, really. 

I guess it's silly trying to name or categorize something that is so intuitive, so natural, and yet so hard to grasp. It would be like saying, "I like it when you're sexy," or "I like it when you love me." Why define something that is so a part of who he is, how he is, how we relate?

Instead...

I love being yours. 

There. That's better. 




Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Equality, Respect...and hello!

Hello, out there in Blogland. I'm coming off a somewhat lengthy break here, and I've missed you. But the break was good. It was refreshing. As September came, I began to ease back into a more disciplined routine here, with my personal writing projects, school, my daily schedule, exercise, housework. There were some moments of overwhelm there, but I'm happy to say things are running smoothly. Jason told me last night how proud he is of me, and of course, that made me grin like the Cheshire cat. I spent a great deal of time preparing for the fall, and now that it's here, I feel eager to welcome it in. 

It's always difficult for me to decide how to get back into blogging when I've taken a break. What should I say first? What is it that I'd like to share? 

The longer we've been at this, the more I feel I understand...about what my needs are, and Jason's, about why what we do works so well for us, what his expectations are for me and where he wants to take us. But the longer we've been at this, I also feel like, at times, we've only just hit the tip of the iceberg. The d/s waters run deep. Physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs interweave in one, big, beautiful journey, but yet at the same time, there are moments when it doesn't make sense at all, and it all seems muddled and confused. 

It's for this reason, I like to think things through, write them out. So I journal. But the longer we go, the more personal our dynamic becomes. It's only natural. My needs and Jason's are not necessarily the same as another couple's. Our goals aren't necessarily the same. So at times, I feel at a loss with what to share. 

So after some thought, I decided to write a bit about something that, in recent months especially, readers have asked me about. They are the points, I think, that are perhaps the least understood about the d/s dynamic, no matter what the level of expectations are in that one dynamic.

Equality

Respect

I've been giving this more thought lately, as Jason and I have been enjoying watching the new episodes of “Outlander.” For those unfamiliar with the series, it's a new show based on a series of romance novels written by Diana Gabaldon. The premise is that a young English woman from 1945 is transported back in time to eighteenth century Scotland. It's historical fiction at its best, and really, so well done. So what is it about this series that has me thinking about d/s? 

In eighteenth century Scotland, women were viewed as property. Men were in charge. The end.

We recently watched an episode in which the lead woman takes off and scares the men she's with, and when she's found, one of the men drags her out of the house by her arm and lectures her within an inch of her life. It's somewhat shocking. You, um, don't really see things like that happen in the present day. And supposedly, based on the series (which I've not read), there comes a time when this woman is strapped by her husband for endangering the lives of others. It's expected that a husband would discipline his wife back then. It's just what they did. In fact, in the first episode, this woman lets loose a volley of swears, and one of the men mutters, “Yer husband should tan yer hide fer that.”

(Ahem, Jason paused it at this point, rewound it, made me listen to it again and said, “Did you hear that?” Yep. Guess who gets her “hide tanned” for swearing?)

There are times when women in the d/s community speak wistfully about the past. They say they wish things were like they used to be, when men were men, and women were women, and it wasn't taboo for a man to take his wife over his knee. They say that women knew their place then, and men knew how to lead and women knew how to follow. 

Honestly, I truly do not agree. 

Why? 

Although, yes, Jason being in authority over me is absolutely how I prefer things, our dynamic is based on mutual respect. 

Our dynamic is consensual. 

And I have no desire whatsoever to undermine the blood, sweat, and tears our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers poured out to obtain our rights as women. Women used to be viewed as inferior. The fact that we are now, by all intents and purposes, viewed as equals, is absolutely of paramount importance.

But wait...we who choose a d/s dynamic...are we truly equals?

This is how I view things. 

We are absolutely of equal worth. 

My rights, opinions, hopes and desires, my self worth...are every bit as valid as Jason's. Yes, he's my Dom. Yes, I'm his submissive. 

It's come out in some of my posts recently just how much control I allow Jason to have over me. My last post struck a nerve, I think, for that reason. It was the first post in a very long time that generated slanderous commentary Jason asked me to delete. And perhaps it was a good indicator that I need to show more discretion in what I share. After all, as I've said earlier, our dynamic is very personal. 

So suffice it to say, I allow him to lead me in every possible way. He has a great deal of control over my life. 

And let's just say, I wouldn't change what we have for anything. Not for anything. I absolutely love it.

So how can I balance that, then? How can I say that I believe Jason and I are equals, yet he disciplines me? Certainly, I don't discipline him. The reasons I don't are many and varied, so I will sum it up by saying, that truly does not work for us. 

How can I say I believe we are equals, yet I allow him to control my life? I allow him to dictate what I eat, when I go to bed, how I drive, who I associate with and when, what I do with my free time, and the list goes on. 

The answer is really very simple. And it's the distinction that makes a modern-day d/s dynamic completely unique, historically speaking. 

We are equals in worth.

We are not equals in authority. 

And we are not equals in authority, because I consent to that. 

One of the reasons what we have works so well, is that Jason and I are in complete agreement over the power exchange in our relationship. When he sends me to bed, I don't feel belittled. I feel cared for, and loved. When he puts me over his knee for doing something dangerous, I know he does it because my safety is of utmost importance to him. When he disciplines me for raising my voice to him, I know he values harmony in our relationship, and our agreement that he's in authority over me must be maintained. 

A reader recently asked me about respect. She said she'd read all my posts, and she was completely baffled as to why I could possibly choose to live the way I did. She questioned Jason's respect for me, said it wasn't possible for him to discipline me yet still respect me. She said if he truly loved me, he wouldn't punish me, and she couldn't understand why I viewed his disciplining me as an act of love.

Now, I'm not going to get into the many points I disagree with in this assertion. I did my best to give an honest answer, but I think a lengthy explanation would be somewhat futile. Some people aren't going to get it. And that's okay. 

But I do want to state, while we're on the topic of equality and respect, that if I felt disrespected and unloved, I could never possibly consent to be his submissive. 

He holds me to a high standard. But he holds himself to even higher standards. 

He demands I respect him. But he has the utmost respect for me as well – for my worth as a human being, my thoughts and desires, my opinions, my interests, my needs. 

He is my Dominant because he loves me. He leads me because he cherishes me, and wants to see that I'm taken care of in every possible way. 

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. How do you feel about equality and respect within a d/s dynamic? Please understand dissenting opinions are most welcome, I only ask that no slanderous comments be posted.