Recently, I mentioned to a d/s acquaintance of mine that Jason and I had gotten into an argument. I told her, “I should blog about this. I write a lot about positive things, but forget to share the negative things as well.”
And, I promptly forgot that I was going to blog about it. Those moments are fleeting, and it's easy to move on to the fun stuff.
Arguing is very rare. But it still happens. Sometimes he says things he shouldn't and sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Misunderstandings happen. Feelings get hurt. Outside stresses put pressure on our relationship. And no, there are no arguments like there used to be, but still, things come up.
We got into an argument a few weeks ago. He was grumpy, and irritable, and snapped at me over something. It's rare he speaks so harshly to me. I had a few choices. I could've snapped back. And in the moment, maybe that would've felt good. But we do have a rule that's very strictly enforced, that if I'm rude or disrespectful to him, I will be punished. Even if I'm provoked, the disrespect isn't tolerated.
Now, maybe that doesn't seem fair. But what are the alternatives?
One alternative is that if Jason is the one at fault, I could punish him. Though I respect that particular method applies to some people, it does not work for us. Neither he nor I have the slightest desire for me to have the authority to punish him.
Hmmm. So, option two. He could decide that since we were both at fault, I shouldn't be punished. He's done this before, and although I respect that, I usually end up feeling quite awful after having disrespected him. And he hasn't taken that approach in quite some time, now that his expectation for my respect, obedience and submission to him are so very high. I'm not allowed even the slightest form of disrespect.
And I love that I'm not.
Is it strict? Yes. But I'm attracted to Jason's authority over me, and because of that, it works so much better that he enforce strict expectations regarding my submission to him. We both much prefer it this way.
So on this particular day, my response to him was to grow very quiet. That was something I had to learn. Responding by being quiet when I'm upset isn't something that comes naturally to me. But it's very rare that Jason is irritable or impatient with me. What happened in this situation, is that I'd had a different expectation regarding what we were doing that afternoon, and he snapped that we weren't doing that at all. At first, I didn't say anything to him. Then I simply said, “Okay. I understand. I just need a minute to adjust my expectations, please.” He kind of growled and glared – oh, what a bear when he's angry! But thankfully, I stayed in my submissive place.
And that was the extent of our argument. We disagreed. And this time, I was able to keep my cool. Because I maintained an attitude of submission, it was very shortly after that he called me to him, and he apologized.
It doesn't always happen that way, though.
More recently, I said something that upset him. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and made an offhand comment about his parents. I shouldn't have, I know, but let's be honest – people don't make in-law jokes for nothing. They can be stressful relationships. And when it's a real serious issue, Jason always goes to bat for me and removes that stress, but sometimes, I let the little things bother me. This was one of those times.
He snapped back at me, a reactionary comeback that cut me. It's so rare he treats me that way. And I was hurt. So without even thinking, I snapped back at him, muttered swear words and all. Lovely.
We were both angry. The moment was quite heated. He wanted to talk it out, and I didn't want to. I asked him to leave me alone. We were driving at the time, and we both sort of simmered. We managed to keep our voices low and no one yelled, but after the initial hurtful comments, nothing more was said. He explained to me why he was upset, while I nursed my wounds and quietly said not much of anything.
I did my very best to self talk. “He never speaks to you like this. You shouldn't have said that and hurt him. Just be quiet and don't let this fester. Let this go and don't let it ruin your day.”
And I managed to mostly calm my hurt. But when we got home, Jason gave me “the look,” and the very first thing he said was, “I want you upstairs, now.”
I obeyed, truly wanting this argument to end and be behind us. And even if I didn't, I know better than to push when he instructs me like that.
The very first thing he did when he brought me upstairs was point to the floor. I dropped to my knees in front of him. This is how we do things. He instructs, I kneel, and we're both immediately in our places.
“I'm sorry,” he said. That was all I needed. He knew he'd snapped at me. And it was so easy to forgive him.
“It's okay," I said. "I know why you said what you did. And I'm sorry, too,” I responded. We talked it out.
“You know you're not allowed to swear and speak disrespectfully to me,” he said. I nodded. He patted his lap. I stood, and he swiftly bared me and positioned me over his knee. I closed my eyes and crossed my legs and took the spanking I knew I deserved. And moments later, it was behind us. He hugged me, I held on tight, and we moved on with our day. We didn't say another word about it. There were no more hurt feelings. There was no more anger. I felt put back in my submissive place, and when I'm there, I feel at peace, and ready to follow his lead.
It's tricky when there's one person in authority over another. It's tricky knowing how to proceed. Here, Jason expects me to be respectful and obedient no matter what the circumstances. And he also is humble enough to admit fault when the situation warrants it. But allowing me to be disrespectful or rude when we have a disagreement simply doesn't fly.
Do we still argue? We do. It's not often, but things still happen that cause occasional stress. However, DD has given us the tools to make those moments rare -- the tools to keep communication open and frequent, and when things go awry, a quick solution that gets us back to harmony in the relationship.