I'm one of those people who likes to set goals. I'm kinda type-A. I like bulleted ideas, lists, checking off little boxes. I love the thrill of setting high expectations, and meeting them. But I also believe that big goals are met by taking small steps, so I have a set of goals I'm aiming toward this year, concrete objectives, and I mapped it out with how I want to get this done, month by month. I'm excited about my writing goals (one is posting a blog post at least once a week).
However, because I'm a submissive, when I started thinking about the New Year, it only made sense to me that I would challenge myself with how I relate to Jason. Those goals aren't as concrete, more like small areas where I want to grow. There was a small flaw with this idea, though.
The tiny flaw in this plan is...I'm a submissive. I don't lead our relationship. Jason leads me. And for some reason, I never considered the fact that he would have goals for me. But this all became clear when we talked it out.
I started by telling him things I wanted to accomplish in 2015. He's much more realistic than I am. So instead of me aiming for things like “I want to run a marathon in 2015!” he might say, “Honey, I think starting out with a 5k is a wise approach.” Always the voice of reason, you know.
My goals for how I relate to him are pretty simple. I want to make sure I take my fears and insecurities to Jason, always, first. It doesn't mean I can't talk to friends. He wants me to. But for more serious matters of the heart, I need to go to him.
I want to honor him in little ways. I know there are things I do sometimes that he doesn't really like, and although he won't discipline me for these things -- like, say, letting his mom get under my skin -- I know he wants me to learn to manage my emotions better.
“Hey,” I said. “Do you think I can go this whole year without serious trouble? Like, super serious, very very bad, major trouble?”
The last time I got in serious trouble was a few months ago, I think, some time before Thanksgiving. I got so angry with him...it snowballed...and I got myself worked up so badly that I thought to myself, “I don't care what he does to me! I don't care how badly he punishes me!” I didn't reign myself in. Well...that was a mistake, and boy did I ever get in trouble. We were out at the time. He brought me home, gave me one of the worst spankings I've ever gotten, took my phone for the day, and sent me to bed early that night. It was very sobering, and let me tell you, I thought twice about how I speak to him since then.
He chuckled to himself. “A whole year? I don't know, babe. I think you'll get it once or twice.”
I sighed. I hate the idea of serious trouble.
He thought for a minute. “You know, I bet you can do it,” he said. “You've made so much progress and hardly ever get in serious trouble anymore. We'll see,” he said with a smile. So it's not a real goal of mine – I think it's wiser to just keep trying to obey him in the small areas – but, you know, managing to stay out of serious trouble would really be very nice.
So January first rolled around. And guess what. I landed myself over his lap. On January first.
It took me by surprise. I didn't think I had really been very disrespectful, but when he pointed it out to me, and told me I'd be facing the music later, snapping, “Well, I didn't know being happy all the time was part of our rules,” probably wasn't the best answer.
So I did, indeed, face the music. And to my surprise, Jason laid down his goals for me for 2015.
What he wants from me in the New Year dovetails perfectly with my own goals. He knows me well. He knows where he wants me to grow, and how he wants to, as he put it, “take this to the next level.”
I won't go into great detail. There are some things that are, at the end of the day, just very personal.
I struggled, at first, with a few ways he challenged me, right off the bat. He pushed my patience, and my resolve. But I self-talked my way through.
He loves you.
He deserves your complete trust.
You can do this.
And yesterday, he called me to him. He had me kneel, and we talked. He praised me.
“You've done so well,” he said. “I know this is very hard for you. But you're a good girl.” He put both hands on either side of my face. “You've made such progress, and you make me proud.”
Of course, I glowed under his praise. And as he continued, he told me how he wants to see me grow, in trust and patience, in this coming year. It was a sobering conversation, but at the end, it made me appreciate him more than words can say. I love that he takes his role as my leader so very seriously. Even though I find it challenging, to say the least – I love that my growth means so much to him.
I think 2015 is going to be a great year.