Okay, I'm still giggling about it.
Anyhow, as I blathered on about all this, he was very serious, and it took me by surprise. I looked at him, and he'd grown stern and somber.
“I would never allow that to happen,” he said. I laughed, still being silly about it, thinking he meant he'd never allow a wife swap to take place, for the sake of a tv show. I could just see him, with the cantankerous, bossy wife, unable to put her over his knee because of the camera (among other reasons.)
“Of course you wouldn't! I know that,” I said. “I know we'd never do a show like that. I mean...there are elements of our marriage that are clearly not for the public!” I still found the mere idea somewhat laughable.
He shook his head. “That's not what I mean,” he said. “I'm not referring to dominance and submission. I mean, I would never allow someone to come in my home, tell me what to do, and essentially strip me of my ability to take care of my family.”
And then I sobered. I finally understood what he meant, and it gave me a greater appreciation for the man that Jason is. And it all became so clear. I knew it before...but somehow, the way he said it really drove it all home.
He is the leader in our home because I grant him that authority, yes. I defer to him in every way because I've relinquished authority to him, and this is the agreement we have with one another. And yes, we both find our D/S lifestyle erotic and sexy, and we find the mutual meeting of one another's needs fulfilling. However...he has always been the leader in our home. And the reason he leads isn't just because it's natural...it isn't just because I encourage it...it's because he feels it's the best way for him to take care of the people he loves.
I love that. In fact, I went from being silly and laughing about our conversation to getting choked up over it. I don't know if he knew how deeply it struck me, how he caused me to have a greater appreciation for what he does, who he is, and how he leads.
One night, he was reading a blog post of mine in which I related getting in serious trouble over something. I was in bed, next to him, reading, and we were sharing a snack. I reached for the bag at the same time he did, and teasingly put my hand in front of his. Without looking up from his iPad, he swatted my hand. Subdued, I pulled my hand back as he got more snacks for himself. I reached for another snack, and he grumbled, “Enough of those for you. If you eat anymore, you'll feel sick.” (I can't handle much sugar, and they were sweetened peanuts, I think).
As we continued to read, I told him the next day I was taking the kids swimming. He grunted, continuing to read, and said, “None of the non-swimmers go anywhere apart from you. I want life vests on, too. But I'm telling you right now, if there's no lifeguard on duty, no one sets a toe in that water. Am I clear?”
We continued to read.
“Do you like the post?” I asked him.
He nodded, then kinda chuckled to himself. “It's really good. The only thing is, babe, I think you make me out to be sterner than I am.”
“Oh, I don't know about that,” I said. “But, keep in mind, the blog is about dominance and submission, so your bossiness is kind of a theme.”
But our interaction showed me something I hadn't really realized before. He doesn't really see his bossiness as “bossiness.”
He sees it as leading, a simple way of ensuring his family is protected, no different than paying the bills, or making sure our needs are taken care of.
Me, I see it differently. Yes, I'm attracted to his dominance. He knows how to make me putty in his hands. But it's not just about rules. It's not just about the erotic attraction I have to his dominance and he to my submission. It runs deeper than that.
The other day, I broke a small rule. Alone in the kitchen, I stood at one end and he at the other.
“Am I in trouble?” I asked. He nodded, then beckoned me over to him. I walked over, burying my head on his chest as he pulled me in for a hug. He leaned down and whispered in my ear.
“You know I spank you because I love you.”
Yes. I do know. And I dwelt on that all evening.
I'm still dwelling on it.
I know you'll read this, Jason. I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Thank you for who you are.
Photo credit: AIM leadership