Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Dear HOH/Dom/Guy With the Paddle (for those beginning)

 Bumping this post I wrote a year ago, because I think some new blog readers may find useful. :) 

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This post is for those just starting out. I promised I'd write something like this, so here goes. The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek...I never know what the right phrase is. 

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So maybe she's come to you with this desire. Maybe you had mixed feelings at first. Maybe you were baffled. 

“You want me to what?”

Maybe you were even a little irritated or angry. 

“Why would you want to be spanked like a child? I don't want to parent you. I like you the way you are.” 

Maybe the desire to discipline her seemed preposterous. She's an adult! Shouldn't adults take responsibility for their own actions? Who does this anyway?

You two have your own relationship, that is unlike any others, so I can't presume to know how you felt when she came to you with this. But please, allow me to explain. 

I've spent several years now listening to people just like her. And today, I'd like to write to you. I'd like to explain why she may feel the way she does. I don't know for sure, of course, because I likely have never met her. But she may have written to me. And after having been in contact with hundreds of girls with similar desires, I've started to realize that her desires are so very much like my own, that I understand where she's coming from, at least a little. 

So please, grant me just a bit of your time. I promise I'm not going to tell you what to do. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? A submissive like me, trying to tell you what to do. No one should tell you what to do. If this is going to work for you, the only way it works is if you do things your own way -- the hell with the way other people do things. 

I'm just going to tell you why Jason and I feel that incorporating a deeper dominant/submissive dynamic into our own relationship has been one of the best decisions we've ever made. And I'm going to explain to you how it makes me feel. That's about it. 

I'm going to be perfectly honest, maybe even blunt here. At first, the whole thing just sounded really really sexy. We had a pretty good love life before all this went down. It was...okay. But I was...pretty reserved. We were always faithful to one another, and sex was good. But then one day after the whole fifty shades thing came out, out of curiosity, I was trolling the internet. And I read about girls who got spanked. Full grown women who got spanked by their husbands. I couldn't deny that it sounded...so freaking sexy. I wanted to try it. So I approached my husband in bed. Snuggled up to him and whispered a suggested game. I suggested we play “swap that fantasy. You tell me, I'll tell you.” 

He told me his. Then my turn came up, and I whispered, “I want a real spanking.” We were pretty hot and bothered at this point, having whispered our deepest fantasies to one another. He was game. He stripped me, put me over his lap, and gave me a real spanking with his hand. (The whole story about this is here.) 

Let's just say, it was about the hottest thing he'd ever done to me, and we had quite the night after that. 

So he continued to spank me. It wasn't disciplinary at first. No, it was really just the fun bedroom stuff. I didn't even know people did this! I had a vague idea there were things like handcuffs and blindfolds, but I'd never used them, and really didn't have any interest. It just seemed all weird and silly (I think, um, very differently now.)

So, in the interest of being honest, let me tell you something. This whole spanking thing? Yeah, it was like adding a shot of adrenaline to our sex life. No, not even like that. We took off the blinders. Amped it up. Things in bed became...amazing (and they still are). 

If you spank her? She's probably going to think you're sexier. Truth.

All of a sudden, Jason was...hotter. He made my heart pound all over again. A swat to my ass would set me on fire. 

So, yeah...if you do this? I can almost guarantee you that your sex life is going to improve. I'll tell you this. We went from a few occasional days of mediocre sex to desiring each other constantly. Sex went from satisfactory to un-freaking-believable. I can't get enough of him, and the feeling is mutual. I lay down next to him and my heart starts to pound. He rests his hand on my lower back, and I melt. I kneel before him and he's ready. He whispers in my ear, and I feel like I used to when I first met him and I was infatuated with him. I beg to get on my knees to please him (whereas before, you wouldn't catch me doing that for anything). 

And you know what happens? When sex is better, lots of other things get better, too.

You don't argue as much. 

You get along better.

You enjoy each other more. 

Driving up the eroticism in our relationship was really only the beginning. 

I explained to Jason that when he's in charge, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel important to him. 

At first, he wasn't too keen on the idea of disciplining me. He did it for a few small rules, but I wanted more. It was pretty stressful here for a time. He liked me the way I was. He didn't want to treat me like a child. He had a hard time getting past the idea that it's wrong to spank a woman. And me? I was so irritated he didn't automatically understand what I wanted. Why couldn't he do it like the other guys did it? I wanted him to do things my way!

It wasn't a good place to be. So finally...because we love each other...we both decided we'd try to see where the other person was coming from. 

He decided he would give me a few rules, and discipline me if I disobeyed. He's a man of his word. So he followed through. 

I had the realization that trying to control him was completely counter-productive, and what I needed to do was honor his lead, even if that meant he never spanked me again. So I worked on obeying him, submitting to him, following his lead, and trying to please him. 

And a funny thing happened. He saw how beneficial the discipline was for me. He saw me flourish under his guidance and discipline. He told me, and I'll never forget this, "before, you were like a flower that was closed, like a bud." He opened his hands, fingers opening like a flower, "But now you've blossomed." 

I learned more self control. We fought less. And even though he still had some hang-ups about spanking me “for real,” he decided, and I quote, “you need this from me, so the most loving thing for me to do is give you what you need.” 

And I realized something as well. When I let go of control? When I stopped trying to tell him what to do? I gave him room to do things his way. And his way was beautiful. 

He is patient, and kind, but firm. He guided us into all of this slowly, but he talked to me. He asked me questions, about how I felt and what I was thinking. And I gave him everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I told him my fears and my insecurities. And together, we worked through those things. 

I respected him more. 

If you do this for her? You may find that she respects you more, too. You see, disciplining her shows her that you care about her. 

Let's say she does something foolish and dangerous, like texting in her car while she's driving. She could get herself, or someone else killed! People who do this do get killed, all the time! If you put her over your knee and give her a spanking for it, she'll think twice before she does that again. She loves you, so she really doesn't want to do anything you don't want her to. But she'll also know...that you love her so much, you don't want her to hurt herself. That her safety and well-being are important to you, so SHE is important to you. Maybe you already tell her that, that she's important to you. But aren't actions louder than words? When Jason spanks me for doing something dangerous, he shows me that my safety is important to him so I am important to him.

At first, Jason was afraid of hurting me. But let me tell you something. You know that sex life thing I mentioned earlier? We've had some really hot and heavy nights together...and I could handle a hell of a lot more than he thought I could. So we worked through it, together. 

I wanted him to discipline me, because I wanted to change myself. There were things about me I didn't like, and I had a hard time changing them on my own. 

Maybe she wants you to help her, too.

I appreciated him so much more. It meant so much to me,  that he would do this for me. I was so grateful, I was eager to please him. I still feel that way. She may, too. 

I wanted him to spank me, because I liked how I felt calmed, and centered, and at peace after he did. 

Maybe she wants to feel that release of tension, fears, and anxiety. 

When he takes the lead, it brings quiet to my mind. When he's in charge, I feel protected and safe. When he spanks me, I feel attracted to him. When he disciplines me, I feel loved. 

When he takes the lead, he no longer has to worry about a nagging, cantankerous wife. He's got someone who is so eager to please him, she'd do anything for him (and I do mean anything). When he's in charge, there are no arguments or unsettled issues. He feels I respect and trust him. When he spanks me, it turns him on. He says nothing is sexier than my desire to please him, and taking me over his lap is an instant turn-on. When he disciplines me, he knows he's fulfilling my needs and helping me grow. 

Maybe you'll find this is the case for you. There's no need to do it anyone else's way but yours. When I tried to tell Jason what to do, he told me, “We do this my way or we don't do it.” And his way was different from what I'd read about, but that had to happen. I didn't know it at the time, but I know it now. We had to find our way. 

I promise that there are struggles, and trial and error. It's a necessary part of growth. But, we found it was absolutely worth the effort. 

I bet you will, too.

Thank you for reading. 

I wish you the best as you two find your way.

25 comments:

  1. Such a great post! I especially love the way you emphasise that we are all different and our dynamics need to reflect that. So often people think that everyone needs to follow the same tracks.

    I was nodding my head as I read and agreeing with so much you wrote. Granted, we do differ somewhat, but that doesn't matter. I think what you wrote will be very helpful to folk starting out.

    I, too, find myself happily going places I would've gone to the moon sooner than do, before. Now, I openly enjoy the "ramped up" sex, and wonder why I was so restrained for so many years when my fantasies were very hot indeed. It is such a relief to share those fantasies with my husband and to have him share his.

    We have very few rules, and they are mostly to do with respect and safety. Mostly everything is talked through before a spanking (even if I am across his knee at the time) and sometimes he will admit to being wrong and will apologise. That is what I like and what makes it so much easier to 'obey' his desires and wishes. It takes a big man to admit he is wrong.

    We are still a partnership, but I leave all the decision-making to him. We probably started TTWD with a 51%:49% ratio, but I have recently been informed that it is nearer 65%:35% these days. As we have grown in confidence his HOHiness has flourished, and as a consequence our marriage has flourished.

    We need more posts like this; good solid learning posts, giving a viewpoint but not forcing anyone into anything. I just loved it.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Hi, Amy. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post and could relate. I love that you talk everything about (even if otk! Been there!) and find that you draw closer through this. I think the beautfy of d/s is that, while we learn to grow because of expectations and accountability, the responsibility of leadership causes our husbands to grow as well. As you say, it takes a big man to admit he's wrong. I love that Jason has the humility to do that.

      I love that you've experienced a thriving marriage. As I think it's pretty clear in my posts, I can completely relate! Keep up the good work. We may need posts like this, but we also need the witness of people like you and your husband to encourage us all on the journey!

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  2. This is wonderful! My husband just read this and found it helpful.

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  3. Thank you. This is how I feel so eloquently put into words. I enjoy your blog very much and I am thankful that you are willing to share your life with us. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in all of this. That I am not alone in this journey into a deeper level of submission. So again, thank you.

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    1. You're very welcome, Kari. Thank you for stopping by. You are absolutely not alone, and I'm glad you've found your way here.

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  4. Thank you so much for posting this. I was really only kidding when I asked you to write a role affirmation for vanilla's lol:) I know you say it didn't turn out that way... But this is wonderful!

    Maybe part 2 can be when you've already gotten into spanking DD/ttwd and there really isn't a rule break but things just feel off disconnected so to speak.

    I think Jordan will able to relate to Jason's opinion that DD helped you blossom. I was very reserved shy and embarrassed sexually too before all of this. DD has been very freeing.

    I like the power you give the potential HOH's to make it their way or no way also. So many of us are very guilty of trying to top from the bottom in the beginning. We read and research and have everything planned out exactly how we think it should go.

    Beautiful posts. I'm sure it will be a helpful tool for many couples. Thanks again!

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    1. LOL I figured you were kidding! But after two years of blogging, I'm open to suggestions! :)

      I like your suggestion for a part two. I'll think on it!

      I'm so glad that you have also discovered growth through submission.

      Yes, many of us have experienced topping from the bottom. I think it stems from such an eager desire to experience the lifestyle. But it's one of those catch-22's...the more we control, the less we progress.

      Thanks for the suggestions for posts! :)

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  5. Thank you for writing this, I forwarded it to my husband. You explained ttwd in a way that others will understand. I can relate to so much of what you said, especially feeling safe and protected and loved!
    Megan

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    1. You're very welcome, Megan. Thanks for visiting, and your kind words.

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  6. Love this post! I can definitely relate! I find it so difficult to explain to someone who doesn't feel similar to how we feel, but maybe this post will help. :-)

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    1. I'm so glad. Thank you for your comment and for reading!

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  7. So, this past Sunday, Birch read to me from the Psalms. As she read over my favorite verse, "THE LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want," it made me think of domestic discipline and its obvious connection to love, care and protection. Love is patient. Love is kind. It doesn't envy, brag, or dishonor others. It is not selfish, it keeps no record of wrongs, it isn't ill tempered. It doesn't take pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always PROTECTS, always PERSEVERES. This, my brothers and sisters, is at the root of what DD is all about. Love, humility, kindness, patience, perseverance and undespairing strength. Just as God loves us, so our guardians and disciplinarians cherish us. Just as THE LORD guides us to green pastures, so our spouses and disciplinarian friends guide us to safety and to better, richer, more godly lives. But, if you wish for THE LORD to take you under His wing, into His protection, you must trust Him. Place all of your faith in Him. Surrender to Him. Bow before THE LORD, and He will bless you all of the days of your life. Spurn Him, reject Him, and He will flip you off and go about His business. He will say, "Who are these people who pray to me, beseeching Me for My favors, but turn their backs upon My commandments and scorn to sing My praises? Give me servants who know how to treat Me, who accept and embrace My love." See, the thing about THE LORD is that you have to praise Him. Trust, surrender and praise - these are the keys to Gods love, as well as to receiving the love and cherishing of your HOH, man or woman. God craves praise. Man, who was created in His image, craves praise and respect. When man is spurned, he becomes jealous. Even THE LORD said, "I am a jealous God." Why, then, should man not be the same? Or do you think that man is stronger, better, morally superior to THE LORD? If so, pm me and well fight this out (lovingly and in a Christlike manner, of course) . But I digress. I mean come on now. THE LORD spread out the earth for us, adorned the heavens with stars, provided us with cattle for leather paddles andbeef stew, and you don't set aside an hour or two everyday just to praise His holy name at the top of your lungs? that's bound to make anyone feel unappreciated and not feel like doing anymore. You have to lift THE LORD up, make him feel like, well, a God. Boost his ego. In the same way, we must boost our HOH's egos, make them feel like men, or women. That's all for now, Christian brothes and sisters. Have a blessed night!

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    1. Interesting observation! Thank you for your comment.

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  8. This is so well written. Thank you for taking the time to share. I rarely pass things along to hubby from blog land just because he hates to read. In this case I did so because it has so many valid points. I really enjoy your site.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the post, Annabelle. I'd like to make a suggestion. Oftentimes, it's difficult to ask our husbands to read something that resonates with us, but we find less resistance if we read it to them. It may be something that works for you two (though it can be hard to take that step). I wish you the best!

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  9. This was so needed. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. We loved it.

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    1. I'm very glad you enjoyed the post and found it helpful!

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  10. This is a wonderful post, and great advice. My husband and I have learned a lot from you and Jason. I love seeing the similarities that draw those of us who practice TTWD together. And the differences that make us unique and help us learn from each other.

    I've always felt a bit like to odd one out on the DD forum because I have never had fantasies about spanking and don't find them erotic (no endorphins for me?). But when we started looking into BDSM and DD I was very much drawn to the control aspect - the guidance and nurturing given from HoH/Dom to sub. And the supporting role that being submissive provides. "I wanted him to discipline me, because I wanted to change myself. There were things about me I didn't like, and I had a hard time changing them on my own." These words of your ring so true for me; this is what drew me to DD.

    My husband has watched me struggle for year trying to do it on my own. He would proffer advice which sometimes I would take and not. But we both felt that I was an adult and the motivation needed to come from me. So I felt like a constant failure. Now, he has the control to say what is "good enough". He helps me direct my day so I feel like I'm getting things done and I don't worry about if I've done enough because I've done what he's wanted me to. I don't get overwhelmed by the million little tasks.

    He's become more confident in his day to day life because of DD/Ds. Our sex life is amazing. And I feel more comfortable in myself than I ever have before.

    I've loved reading about your DD/Ds journey with Jason. Seeing the growth in your relationship and other DD/Ds relationships helps me look for what I can do to make my relationship better.

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    1. Hi, Liz, and thanks for stopping by! It's nice to hear from you that you're doing well. You are in my thoughts often! I've been in recent touch with Meg and it was great to hear that you're all doing well. I do miss you.

      Apologies for my delay in posting this comment and replying. We are preparing to go away in a few days and a few things got away from me. I do appreciate you taking the time to leave such a thoughtful reply.

      We are all very different when it comes to what attracts us. The beauty of it is that yes, we do have our own differences but there's enough similarity that draws us together in community, and I love that. I am attracted to the idea of being punished, but I'm not a masochist so I don't enjoy the actual punihsment (though occasionally I do like erotic spanking still). But others aren't really drawn to the eroticism but the control, as you've said, and that makes sense as well.

      I completely understand what you mean about having that freedom to let it go when he says "good enough." I glean the same thing from Jason's leadership, and it is the most freeing thing. They see what we don't, sometimes, and allowing them to lead gives us the ability to let go of the stress and anxiety sometimes.

      We have experienced so many of the wonderful benefits you have as well. It's lovely, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

      I'm honored you have found our relationship and what we've shared helfpul and inspiring. I wish you continued joy and peace on your journey. ((Hugs)) Be good! ;)

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  11. I miss chatting with you too. I'm glad I can look in on your blog and see how you are doing, and write a comment to you now and again. No worries about the delay, I understand, we all have plenty to keep us busy. Have fun on your trip. Be well and travel safe. ((Hugs))

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