Bumping this post I wrote a year ago, because I think some new blog readers may find useful. :)
This post is for those just starting out. I promised I'd write something like this, so here goes. The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek...I never know what the right phrase is.
So maybe she's come to you with this desire. Maybe you had mixed feelings at first. Maybe you were baffled.
“You want me to what?”
Maybe you were even a little irritated or angry.
“Why would you want to be spanked like a child? I don't want to parent you. I like you the way you are.”
Maybe the desire to discipline her seemed preposterous. She's an adult! Shouldn't adults take responsibility for their own actions? Who does this anyway?
You two have your own relationship, that is unlike any others, so I can't presume to know how you felt when she came to you with this. But please, allow me to explain.
I've spent several years now listening to people just like her. And today, I'd like to write to you. I'd like to explain why she may feel the way she does. I don't know for sure, of course, because I likely have never met her. But she may have written to me. And after having been in contact with hundreds of girls with similar desires, I've started to realize that her desires are so very much like my own, that I understand where she's coming from, at least a little.
So please, grant me just a bit of your time. I promise I'm not going to tell you what to do. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? A submissive like me, trying to tell you what to do. No one should tell you what to do. If this is going to work for you, the only way it works is if you do things your own way -- the hell with the way other people do things.
I'm just going to tell you why Jason and I feel that incorporating a deeper dominant/submissive dynamic into our own relationship has been one of the best decisions we've ever made. And I'm going to explain to you how it makes me feel. That's about it.
I'm going to be perfectly honest, maybe even blunt here. At first, the whole thing just sounded really really sexy. We had a pretty good love life before all this went down. It was...okay. But I was...pretty reserved. We were always faithful to one another, and sex was good. But then one day after the whole fifty shades thing came out, out of curiosity, I was trolling the internet. And I read about girls who got spanked. Full grown women who got spanked by their husbands. I couldn't deny that it sounded...so freaking sexy. I wanted to try it. So I approached my husband in bed. Snuggled up to him and whispered a suggested game. I suggested we play “swap that fantasy. You tell me, I'll tell you.”
He told me his. Then my turn came up, and I whispered, “I want a real spanking.” We were pretty hot and bothered at this point, having whispered our deepest fantasies to one another. He was game. He stripped me, put me over his lap, and gave me a real spanking with his hand. (The whole story about this is here.)
Let's just say, it was about the hottest thing he'd ever done to me, and we had quite the night after that.
So he continued to spank me. It wasn't disciplinary at first. No, it was really just the fun bedroom stuff. I didn't even know people did this! I had a vague idea there were things like handcuffs and blindfolds, but I'd never used them, and really didn't have any interest. It just seemed all weird and silly (I think, um, very differently now.)
So, in the interest of being honest, let me tell you something. This whole spanking thing? Yeah, it was like adding a shot of adrenaline to our sex life. No, not even like that. We took off the blinders. Amped it up. Things in bed became...amazing (and they still are).
If you spank her? She's probably going to think you're sexier. Truth.
All of a sudden, Jason was...hotter. He made my heart pound all over again. A swat to my ass would set me on fire.
So, yeah...if you do this? I can almost guarantee you that your sex life is going to improve. I'll tell you this. We went from a few occasional days of mediocre sex to desiring each other constantly. Sex went from satisfactory to un-freaking-believable. I can't get enough of him, and the feeling is mutual. I lay down next to him and my heart starts to pound. He rests his hand on my lower back, and I melt. I kneel before him and he's ready. He whispers in my ear, and I feel like I used to when I first met him and I was infatuated with him. I beg to get on my knees to please him (whereas before, you wouldn't catch me doing that for anything).
And you know what happens? When sex is better, lots of other things get better, too.
You don't argue as much.
You get along better.
You enjoy each other more.
Driving up the eroticism in our relationship was really only the beginning.
I explained to Jason that when he's in charge, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel important to him.
At first, he wasn't too keen on the idea of disciplining me. He did it for a few small rules, but I wanted more. It was pretty stressful here for a time. He liked me the way I was. He didn't want to treat me like a child. He had a hard time getting past the idea that it's wrong to spank a woman. And me? I was so irritated he didn't automatically understand what I wanted. Why couldn't he do it like the other guys did it? I wanted him to do things my way!
It wasn't a good place to be. So finally...because we love each other...we both decided we'd try to see where the other person was coming from.
He decided he would give me a few rules, and discipline me if I disobeyed. He's a man of his word. So he followed through.
I had the realization that trying to control him was completely counter-productive, and what I needed to do was honor his lead, even if that meant he never spanked me again. So I worked on obeying him, submitting to him, following his lead, and trying to please him.
And a funny thing happened. He saw how beneficial the discipline was for me. He saw me flourish under his guidance and discipline. He told me, and I'll never forget this, "before, you were like a flower that was closed, like a bud." He opened his hands, fingers opening like a flower, "But now you've blossomed."
I learned more self control. We fought less. And even though he still had some hang-ups about spanking me “for real,” he decided, and I quote, “you need this from me, so the most loving thing for me to do is give you what you need.”
And I realized something as well. When I let go of control? When I stopped trying to tell him what to do? I gave him room to do things his way. And his way was beautiful.
He is patient, and kind, but firm. He guided us into all of this slowly, but he talked to me. He asked me questions, about how I felt and what I was thinking. And I gave him everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I told him my fears and my insecurities. And together, we worked through those things.
I respected him more.
If you do this for her? You may find that she respects you more, too. You see, disciplining her shows her that you care about her.
Let's say she does something foolish and dangerous, like texting in her car while she's driving. She could get herself, or someone else killed! People who do this do get killed, all the time! If you put her over your knee and give her a spanking for it, she'll think twice before she does that again. She loves you, so she really doesn't want to do anything you don't want her to. But she'll also know...that you love her so much, you don't want her to hurt herself. That her safety and well-being are important to you, so SHE is important to you. Maybe you already tell her that, that she's important to you. But aren't actions louder than words? When Jason spanks me for doing something dangerous, he shows me that my safety is important to him so I am important to him.
At first, Jason was afraid of hurting me. But let me tell you something. You know that sex life thing I mentioned earlier? We've had some really hot and heavy nights together...and I could handle a hell of a lot more than he thought I could. So we worked through it, together.
I wanted him to discipline me, because I wanted to change myself. There were things about me I didn't like, and I had a hard time changing them on my own.
Maybe she wants you to help her, too.
I appreciated him so much more. It meant so much to me, that he would do this for me. I was so grateful, I was eager to please him. I still feel that way. She may, too.
I wanted him to spank me, because I liked how I felt calmed, and centered, and at peace after he did.
Maybe she wants to feel that release of tension, fears, and anxiety.
When he takes the lead, it brings quiet to my mind. When he's in charge, I feel protected and safe. When he spanks me, I feel attracted to him. When he disciplines me, I feel loved.
When he takes the lead, he no longer has to worry about a nagging, cantankerous wife. He's got someone who is so eager to please him, she'd do anything for him (and I do mean anything). When he's in charge, there are no arguments or unsettled issues. He feels I respect and trust him. When he spanks me, it turns him on. He says nothing is sexier than my desire to please him, and taking me over his lap is an instant turn-on. When he disciplines me, he knows he's fulfilling my needs and helping me grow.
Maybe you'll find this is the case for you. There's no need to do it anyone else's way but yours. When I tried to tell Jason what to do, he told me, “We do this my way or we don't do it.” And his way was different from what I'd read about, but that had to happen. I didn't know it at the time, but I know it now. We had to find our way.
I promise that there are struggles, and trial and error. It's a necessary part of growth. But, we found it was absolutely worth the effort.
I bet you will, too.
Thank you for reading.
I wish you the best as you two find your way.