Friday, April 17, 2015

Analysis of a Consequence

Lately, my head has very much been in the DD line of things. Between my discussions with OSL (both privately and personally), and my own musings, I've been mulling...about DD, how it helps me, and how things play out differently here than they did before. 

I know that D/S has transformed our marriage. But sometimes, when I'm in the thick of it, I want to probe. I want to know why. I want to ask myself how we've gotten to where we are, and where we're going. I like to know the answer to these things, which is one reason I like to blog about it all. And I asked myself this week, if we stopped D/S, where would that leave us? I know we'd still be very much in love. I know I could still grow, and so could he, and we'd still be close. 

But as I was mulling, I got myself into a bit of hot water, and things became very clear to me. I'll explain.

There was a time when I had health rules, and they became a bit too overwhelming for me. They were lifted. But recently, the time came where I felt it I was ready for more accountability in this area. I'd already adopted so many other habits, had already reached a place where obedience to Jason is natural. So I asked Jason, and he agreed. And I must say, it's been nearly a month now that I've had my new health rules that I am held accountable for, and it's really made a huge difference. 

Well, one of my rules is that I need to take my daily supplements. I have a small assortment of supplements I take. If I don't take them, it affects my overall wellbeing -- my sleep, my mood, my energy levels. So I'm required to take them every day, no exceptions. 

But I'm a busy person. I forget things. And one day this week, I was distracted and thought at one point take your supplements. It didn't happen. Later that evening, when Jason and I were having our evening check-in, he asked me if I'd done everything expected of me,  and I mentioned to him that I hadn't taken them yet. He told me take your supplements. Do not forget. Again, I got distracted. 

Well. I forgot.

And the next morning it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. Shoot. 

"I forgot my supplements yesterday," I told Jason. I got "the look" and a curt nod.

"That's one of your rules. You know what happens if you break a rule."

Yep. I do. There was not much else for me to say.

Up he went, over I went, and he began reminding me why we have this rule. "You know I expect you to take care of yourself. I have these rules for you for a reason. You disobeyed me when I told you to take them, and I expect you to do what I say." 

In the grand scheme of things, it was a small infraction, I know. Certainly nothing like breaking a safety rule or being disprespectful to him, but he's consistent, and this is one of my rules. 

So, he spanked me.

It was a humbling experience. And after he spanked me, he stood me up and reminded me that I would not forget my supplements that day.

So I did what I had to do. I found an app to remind me. I set it up to work with my schedule. I made sure my supplements were in a visible location. And I've been taking my supplements faithfully ever since. Sucess. 

When I reported back to Jason, he hugged me, kissed my cheek, smiled, and said, "Ah, that's my good girl." 

And I melted.

Now, why am I relating this incident? I want to explain how things could've gone if I hadn't been accountable to Jason for this. 

I would've thought to myself I forgot my supplements. And then I would've thought better make sure I take those. I may or may not have set a reminder for myself. I could've easily forgotten the next day, and the next. Ok...that is what I used to do before I was accountable to Jason. I'd simply neglect doing something I needed to do. I could've easily gone a week or two and not taken my supplements. 

But that's not what happened. I knew without a doubt that if I forgot two days in a row, after I'd already been disciplined for forgetting, I'd be in serious trouble. I did not want to have to tell him that I'd skipped them again.

If I hadn't been accountable to him, I wouldn't have made it as high a priority as I did. 

I wouldn't have had the humbling experience of correction that motivated me to take better care of myself. 

And I wouldn't have had the experience of his approval and praise when I took the steps to make my health goals habit. I wouldn't have had the hug, the kiss, and the blessing of Good Girl that warms me to my core. 

This is why we do what we do. This is why it works. A small example in the grand scheme of things, yes, but this served as a vivid reminder to me, an illustration, if you will, as to why this works for us. 

What are your experiences, readers? Do you agree that the added motivation of consequences and accountability help you prioritize better? How do you feel you benefit from the component of accountability and consequences?

10 comments:

  1. I'm going to throw myself in the deep end here, and hope everyone doesn't jump on me. But I like these posts that give us an opportunity to comment with our perspective.

    We don't have much in the way of rules, but Dan has become extremely practised in the art of the lifted eyebrow and the waggy finger, and I have now learned to my surprise that he has started to give me a hefty swat to my rear if all else fails, and regardless of who might be watching.

    I, personally, think health is a good thing to have the odd rule or two about. After all, it surely comes under Safety. But although Dan is pretty hot on ensuring I visit the Doc if anything is untoward, he isn't very interested in "pill taking" as he feels at my age I should be capable of remembering to take my own medicaments.

    It's very important, as I take 8 tablets per day just to keep alive, plus a couple of high dosage vitamins. I have a small plastic box with days of the week and tiny compartments in which I sort out my pills, and it also helps me remember to take them. Sounds horrid I know, but unlike 'supplements', I know that without them I should quickly get very ill indeed.

    So my point is this. When I was younger, and I'm talking about right up to the age of 53, I took a couple of vitamin pills. They were good and I am sure they helped me avoid colds, etc. However, they were not important. If I forgot to take them, I stayed alive. I frequently, therefore, forgot to take them.

    Now I have to take tablets, I ALWAYS remember. So I tack of supplements and take those at the same time. And usually, I feel pretty good.

    I am thinking that if you know that your supplements are important, then it is up to you to ensure you take them every day. End of story. You are an adult. So if you have a rule that means you should take them, then you have to put up with the consequences of not taking them.

    I feel very strongly that as adults we should be responsible for our own actions or non actions. Maybe Jason is fed up with your cranky attitude if you don't take your supplements (I don't know if I am right here) and feels that the only way he can get you to remember is to spank your butt. But should he have to? Only you can answer that.

    If we are just talking about motivation to "do" or "not to do" something - then let's face it, we are probably going to be more motivated by a spanking that we don't enjoy, than just a small reminder. My snarky attitude, usually when stressed, is the main reason I get spanked. I have to try to equate this with your forgetting to take your supplements, and it is difficult for me to do. But I do like reminders, and for me the reminders are usually sufficient to halt me in my tracks. If I then decide to ignore those reminders, then justice is handed out.

    Do I benefit? Hmmm. I would love to say I do, but truthfully I am not sure. We were married 33 years very happily before I asked to be spanked, so I think we would be just as happy. I'm not good at being submissive and I don't think I ever will be. Never mind the motivation. LOL! But does it make me think first before acting? Yes, it does. Mainly because I actively want to please Dan, and I want our life to be peaceful and harmonious. So that is the main benefit - for the both of us. Gasp. Sorry, that was long and convoluted and I am not really sure I answered your questions after all. Still, I tried.

    Many hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Ami,

      I sure hope no one gives you a hard time because of your opinion! It's okay to jump out into the deep end. I do it allll the time lol. Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughtful reply.

      I think your comment illustrates the idea that our own experiences very much color what we take to our DD or DS dynamic. For example, you take pills that are vitally important. If I had pills that were of vital importance, like you (to the extent where they would affect my very life), I would probably not need Jason to remind me, just like I don't him to remind me not to jump off a cliff! lol And your experience with supplements is that they were generally a nice idea to improve your overall health (such as eating well, etc.) With me, it's a bit different. The supplements I take aid some pretty serious issues I struggle with (such as insomnia and mood swings) but the issues are not life-threatening. And although I'd still live if I didn't take them, not making them a high priority has a direct impact on my day-to-day functioning. But because of the demands of my day to day, I forget to do things I need to. If I had fewer demands on me, I likely wouldn't need his reminders. So those are the reasons why for me, having to be accountable for this small task is hugely beneficial.

      But we all have different personalities, temperaments, schedules, and past experiences that color how D/S works for and against us. Even a few months ago, I would not have benefitted from this particular rule.

      But my point is, for me, it does work. Your level of submission to your husband, and his leading of you, works for you.

      I think if Jason and I were no longer D/S, we would be just fine. We are very much in love, and we would still seek to meet one another's needs and foster a spirit of sacrificial love. Of this, I have no doubt. But I would miss it greatly, since it's brought a level of intimacy I never thought possible.

      THanks again for your post!

      Delete
  2. J Girl,
    It really is so hard to understand why ttwd works. Gabe and I haven't figured it out, we just know it does!

    In my own life, DD has helped motivate me in so many ways. Even just the threat of a spanking helps motivate me. It has helped me to stop texting while driving (believe me I don't want to repeat that spanking again--ever), it has helped me to calm down when my emotions were completely bonkers. Just knowing Gabe cares enough about me to not let me go completely off the rails is comforting. I have more confidence in our relationship because I know that Gabe will not let things get out of hand between us. Our home is so much more peaceful and settled. Our communication is so much more genuine.

    One other benefit, that I'm going to write about soon is that Gabe has helped me to lose 25 pounds. I asked him to hold me accountable for my weight. I've struggled with my weight for so many years, not finding any success for very long. With Gabe's encouragement, he has helped motivate me to exercise more and to set realistic goals. He hasn't actually spanked more for not reaching goals, but he has threatened to and that seems to help me stay on track. I'm so grateful for that because I haven't been this low in my weight for many years. I'm looking forward to continuing the weight loss.
    Megan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I agree, it is hard to figure out sometimes! But a couple knows themselves if it works or doesn't, because of the fruit particular choices yield. If the fruit in one's relationship is good and beneficial, then I think it's clear those choices work for them.

      I'm so glad you've found that TTWD helps motivate you and that you've shared that with others -- the intimacy, communication, and peace. I can relate (as well as the desire to NEVER text in the car again lol!)

      Congratulations on the weight loss! That is a PERFECT example of how TTWD can help a couple. I love it. He's encouraged you to achieve a goal that has benefitted you, but YOU did the leg work. You should be commended. I wish you the best as you continue to meet your goals!

      Delete
  3. We talk about this a lot! Why does this work? We have a rule about medications. Yes I am an adult and know why the medication is critical. The root of the problem is that for years I have not taken care of myself. I wouldn't get enough sleep, eat right, etc. all the things I did instead of taking the time to sleep or make a decent meal were good, so I justified it. DD is making me slow down. It makes me try to see myself the way my husband does. yes I need to take these meds. The extra motivator just makes me slow down and develop these good habits as we undo the bad ones. I'm wearing a skirt today that hasn't fit since before I got pregnant with the baby. DD works- I take better care of ME. I wish I had a scientific reason, but it just makes sense for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, that's it exactly -- sometimes we don't prioritize our needs, and even though we know we need to take care of ourselves, we don't always do it! I know I shouldn't speed, or do something dangerous like text in the car. I know I should get to bed on time, and be mindful of how I'm spending my time. But sometimes that accountability gives us that little bit of oomph.

      " It makes me try to see myself the way my husband does"

      I love this...in fact, I may use that as a springboard for another post...

      Delete
  4. We are very new to DD, but today was probably the first time I've struggled with the temptation to overspend (my biggest character issue) and have actually been successful. It wasn't the threat of pain. It was knowing that my husband was going to A) notice and be disappointed and B) follow through and hold me accountable. I convinced him to try DD because not only do I find it erotic and loving, but I really want to somehow conquer my temptations in this area. He was reluctant but he saw how powerful and intimate an erotic spanking was and agreed to try more, at my urging. I have tried to deal with this issue for years, and now, I am finally having some success. (And as soon as I came home from the store, I told him and he called me a good girl, which makes me giggle and feel so loved.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that you and that experience of stopping, thinking of wanting to do what's right and please him, and choosing to do what was right. Yes! I have experienced that many times myself, and it is in those moments (like the one I related here, when I forgot my supplements) that I'm reminded of why this works so well!

      Delete
  5. Dear friend, there is so little here that I disagree with! The only part I would take out? The spanking! Two sentences! And you know why ;) (the parental dynamic)

    I hope in all of our conversations you never hear me saying that a wife is not to be submissive and accountable to her husband. She absolutely is.

    I'm not ignoring your last email btw. It's just that yesterday was 80 degrees and I had to get on that. Will respond soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, I get that the spanking part is where you draw the line!

      As far as wives being submissive to their husbands... I actually don't believe women need to be. I think in general, a strong Scriptural case can be made that most women and men benefit from a male-led dynamic, but I don't think it's mandated. And in general, many people benefit from the leader/submissive roles, but not all. There is a give and take in any leadership dynamic, and both sides must be willing to participate in that give and take for it to work. However, that's another topic for another day and what I've said here is only the tip of the iceburg. I just want to clarify that I support submission in as much as one couple welcomes it into their marriage.

      And no worries on your email. I read it and thank you for taking the time to write. I'm not sure if Jason will allow me to respond. When I told him of our last correspondence, and how it affected me, he asked me to take a break.

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.