Monday, July 13, 2015

Cultivating Submission, Post Two: In The Bedroom

Hello! For the month of July, I'm posting a series of posts aimed at helping us challenge ourselves to cultivate submission. The topics of the posts I have planned are HERE, and the first post in the series can be found HERE

And now, time to take off the gloves and get down to business. 

In the interest of being honest and straight-forward, I'm going to be blunt, but I'll try to do it in good taste. That said, I know some of my readers are on the more conservative side, so please be aware that I'll be talking about sex here. In some detail. 

Submission in the bedroom. Pretty easy, right? Accept sex whenever he wants, and do whatever he asks. Right? Well, that was a quick post. Looks like my job here is done!

Yes, I'm teasing! It's not that simple. And where's the challenge in that? If it were that simple, there wouldn't be so much frustration in this area. Before I get to this week's challenge, there are a few points I'd like to make. 

First. Many women readily admit that that they desire to be dominated. Many in this community want to be spanked. They crave it. They're frustrated when they aren't dominated the way they'd like. But we often overlook a very important fact: sexual acts of submission can be every bit as vital in establishing a D/S dynamic as spanking. 

Second. Most women who desire a D/S dynamic are very much erotically attracted to it. Most have a bit of a kinky side. Many read books about it, fantasize about it, and it's a pretty big deal. The other thing is...women who are in touch with their sex drives and fantasies tend to have pretty active sex drives. Kinky women tend to like sex, and lots of it. However, it doesn't always necessarily follow that their husbands are as into it – and by that I mean spanking, sex, or kinky sex lol – as they are. I can't tell you how many women, over and over and over again, have written to me frustrated because their husband isn't interested in sex the way they wish. 

Jason and I do have a very active, very fulfilling, sex life. An active, fulfilling sex life very much fuels a working D/S dynamic. But this wasn't always the case with us. So I'm going to share a bit about how things changed for us in this area, what I've learned along the way, and I'll offer some tips on how we can challenge ourselves in this area. 

For years, I was so reserved in bed. We had boring sex, because I wouldn't let him try anything that was out of my comfort zone. Boring sex isn't all that fun, so we really wouldn't go at it very often. I knew I wanted him to spank me, but I was far too shy to ask for it, and I also thought this was a strange idea. Why did I want to be spanked? I didn't know anyone else found this sexy, so I squelched this fantasy for a very long time. I've shared my story before with how I finally got up the nerve to ask him to spank me – I did it with a “swap fantasy” pillow talk idea – and after I asked him to spank me, he was game, put me over his lap, and gave me a thorough spanking with his hand. That was the I wanted the spanking to hurt, but I didn't know anything about belts or paddles. I wanted to feel safe and not scared, so he used his hand and put me over his lap. That night, we made love, I climaxed harder than I ever had before, and I cried my eyes out after we made love. I didn't understand why I cried. Somehow, his spanking me had unearthed a deep desire of mine I hadn't really even known was hidden. 

And things took off. Women are emotional creatures and men largely physical (though of course we all relate both physically and emotionally). So it's not uncommon for us women to already know in our minds what we'd like to try, because the emotional idea of fulfilling a spanking fantasy appeals to our emotions (being dominated, his being in charge, etc). But men are physical, and many are turned off by the idea of spanking. Why? They relate it to being childish, or in a kinky area that's way out of their comfort zones. So how do we come to an understanding? We need to find ways that we're both comfortable exploring. I was comfortable with an over-the-knee spanking, and so was he. At the time, he had no interest in tying me up, or using his belt, or anything like that. We had to be patient, and explore things slowly. What areas were arousing and what were weird? What made us comfortable and what didn't? We both had to be willing to be patient with the other. 

But submission doesn't stop or start with a spanking. There's far more to it than that. 

So while we were exploring the whole spanking thing, I had to ask myself, what other ways could I be submissive in bed? 

Well, for starters (I warned you I'd be blunt), I could learn how to give the man oral sex. How many men don't like oral sex? Honestly...there aren't that many. I was so reserved about doing this, though, and my reservations showed. I was hesitant, and hesitant in bed isn't sexy. So, I learned. I read The Bad Girl's Bible. I asked him what he liked. I read any website I could find on how to improve (and cleared my history religiously). I even asked friends who were comfortable with this. And, I, um...practiced. A real lot. Like, every day. 

He was okay with this lol. 

And the more I practiced the better I got. The more I got on my knees and pleased my man, the better our sex life got. He was more than willing to put me over his lap if I got on my knees. It became routine: spanking and blow job, spanking and blow job. There were things we did to make it easier for me. Sometimes he would whip off his t-shirt and blindfold me (very haaawwwt). Sometimes he would take the tail end of his belt and spank me as I was already on my knees (again, haaawwt). 

I've often given the advice to offer a bit of a barter: blow job for a spanking. I wouldn't do this in a controlling way, of course, but a teasing/playful/sexy way is welcome. It's another version of “you show me, I'll show you.” Many many men are averse (at least initially) to spanking. Few are averse to receiving oral sex. Giving oral sex is a submissive act. Try to see that the two are linked; if he won't spank you, at the very least offer to submit to him sexually by not going over his lap but getting on your knees. 

So sex began to ramp up for us. For me, I was entering into my sexual prime (early thirties) and my appetite was insatiable. Jason is older than I am, and a busy father and manager, so he would often come home from work exhausted. By the time I was raring to go to have sex, he wasn't up for it. This frustrated me. He's a normal guy with a healthy sexual appetite, but reality sets in. Kids get up at night. Jobs demand hours. Sometimes I would want sex and he wouldn't. 

There's a bit of an interesting juxtaposition in the D/S community. In mainstream society, it's not uncommon for women to not want sex, when their husbands do. It's so common, there are jokes about it, memes even. But in the D/S world, since we women are pretty much in touch with our sexual desires, we often have a higher appetite than our men do. And when we are denied, we feel rejected, and even angry. We think, “how many men want sex and can't have it? It's here, yours for the taking, and you don't want it? Don't you know how lucky you are?” 

Ladies, if there's anything that throws cold water on a sex drive, it's a haughty snotty attitude. Please, don't hold your sexual desires over your man. If he's tired, let the man sleep. If he's not interested in tying you up and strapping you, respect his comfort zones. 

If you want him to lead, then it follows you must respect his own desires. If you want him to dominate you, you must submit. And submission isn't about obeying what we think we should obey! It's about allowing him to lead. Denying your own desire to please him. I don't mean that what you want isn't important; it absolutely is. But ask yourself this: whose needs are you putting first, yours or his? So please keep that in mind. 

However, often what's holding us back is our own reservations. 

Are there areas you are holding back? I've already explained about my reticence in giving oral sex. That can be overcome, I assure you. I now adore pleasing him in this area, have become quite good at it, and it's not a turn off at all (quite the opposite). 

But there are so many other areas that were holding me back. I was self-conscious about my post-baby-body. Jason was not! He adores my body, and made so many efforts to make me see that I was beautiful to him. What I didn't know was that my own lack of confidence in this area was unattractive. When I began accepting what he said – submitting to his praise of my body – I became more confident. And when I became more confident, I became even more attractive to him. 

Confidence is attractive. 

I don't care if you're overweight, have stretch marks, or have saggy breasts from breastfeeding. You're his. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't find you beautiful. Embrace your beauty. We weren't meant to be twenty-something and svelte for life; our bodies aren't designed that way. 

It's not the beauty of youth that fuels us for decades in the bedroom. It's the vulnerability and self-giving. 

That said, it's also important that you do take the best care of your physical appearance you can. For many, it's routine, but for others, we've learned to put our self-care at the end of our priority list. If this is the case for you, it's time to make your own self-care important again. Are there areas in your own appearance that you may be overlooking, because you've denied your own self-care? It's not necessary to spend oodles of time and money on your own self-care. Simply take a long, hard look at how well you take care of yourself, and ask if there are areas you can improve. Do your clothes fit well? Are your hair and nails kept up, and attractive? Does he like when you wear a little make-up or jewelry? Do you get enough rest? Can you improve your diet? Do you need to lose, or gain, weight? 

You are worth it. Embrace your beauty, and work it. Ditch the granny undies. Buy something sexy. Live a little! Surprise him in bed wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Take a long shower, and use a nice scented lotion. Use your imagination. 

Another thing I didn't realize for a very long time was that men need to be desired, too. It's vital to make your husband feel like you want him physically. We often are under the mistaken belief that in order to be submissive, we must accept what he gives or takes, and that precludes any initiation on our part. Not true. Jason loves when I put down my book to kiss him, or make out, and one thing leads to another. He loves when I run my hands over his chest or biceps or my finger around the strong edge of his jaw and tell him how hot he is. Loves it. When I lie up on his chest and curl my leg around him and tell him what a strong, sexy man he is, things heat up. 

Kiss him. Whisper naughty things in his ear. Straddle him. Work him up to a sexy blow job. Take his belt off with your teeth. Ahem. You get the idea. Show him you want him. Show him you need him. If he's stressed, offer to let him lie back while you please him, with no thought to your own pleasure. No strings attached. He doesn't have to spank you. He doesn't have to have sex whenever it's convenient for you. Be receptive to his initiating, and show him he attracts you by initiating yourself. 

Not all men welcome initiation, but almost all do want to feel wanted. Follow his lead and obey him.

If you do initiate, and he's not interested, accept his answer. It's not necessarily a rejection of you. If he is to be your leader and you submissive to him, it follows that you must obey him in all areas. 

This doesn't mean you only do what he wants and never share your own desires. Do be honest; do tell him what you fantasize about. But be prepared that he may not be into what you are, and that's okay. Again, it's not necessarily a rejection of you. 

I've covered a lot here, so now I'm going to sum it up and post this week's challenge. 

Overcome your fear in the bedroom. 

Are there things holding you back? Do you find you're reticent to give him oral sex, or to try other positions, or to do other things outside your comfort zone? Identify what those are, and try to let go of some of your reservations. Learn how to do new things. Make love with the lights on. Take a trip to the naughty shop and buy a little somethin'. Go to bed naked. Get on all fours. Be willing to accept lovemaking with no reciprocation. Be giving of yourself, and willing to take risks. 

Show an interest in him.

Make an intentional effort to show him he's attractive to you. Make out. Admire his biceps. Massage his feet, or back, while he's watching tv. When he's waking up in the morning, sneak under the covers and kiss his inner thighs. Lay in bed next to him and surprise him with your hand under the covers while you watch tv. Trace your fingers all over his chest. Hop into the shower with him. Strip off your clothes and crawl into bed while he's on his tablet. Yes, yes, I know, some of the things I'm saying here are making you squirm. Push past the squirm factor! 

Find what's holding you back

Are there things in your life that are holding you back in this area? Is it your own perception of how your sex life “should” be? Do you immerse yourself in erotic romance novels that leave you feeling unsatisfied with your own love life? Do you read blogs about other women with active sex lives and feed envious thoughts? Are you completely focused on spanking, and frustrated with his own reticence? Are you embarrassed about your weight, or feel unattractive? This week, identify at least two areas that are holding you back from the beauty of what you already have in front of you, then do something about it. 

Be willing to receive what's given

Does he like to wake you up in the middle of the night for sex? Does he like a quickie in the afternoon when he comes home for lunch? Has he always fantasized about a blow job in the car? 

Submit to him, push past your fears, and trust him. 

Be thankful for what you have. Guard your thoughts. Be giving and generous with yourself. And overall, be willing to follow his lead. 


  1. I am so enjoying this series that you are doing and this comes at a really good time for me and gives me more for thought considering we are uping and changing things in our dynamic including the bedroom. I don't have a problem with oral but anal is a thing I am trying to overcome.

    1. Anal is something I am trying to overcome to. It's just so out of my comfort zone. Lots of lube and patience seems to help lol.

    2. Jason isn't a fan, but we've tried it. Many guys really do enjoy it. I've heard that yes, the key is lube and's not something you can just jump into to. Ask him to take it slow! lol

  2. I really can't understand why you get so few open comments, J Girl. I really enjoy reading your posts. I nod my head for the most part, and smile for most of the rest.

    I probably mentioned either in my own blog, or here, that I decided to become sexually submissive around a year before discovering DD/TTWD. Everything you described above could have been written about me. Especially the oral sex bit.

    I cannot describe to you how very difficult I found it to trust Dan and give in to his desires, sexually. Yet several years down the line, yes even at my age, we are probably more adventurous and sexually active than we were in our thirties. When you wrote about the spanking/oral sex thing - my my. I am sure you must've been a fly on the wall. And I wonder how many other women had similar experiences?

    Once you push past your fears it is amazing how enjoyable things become. And if they don't, well, at least you have given them a try.

    I wrote down a little list, right at the start, of our desires/fantasies, just to help us make a start somewhere. We just worked on one or two different areas to start with and discarded what we didn't enjoy. (I still cannot entice Dan to tie me up. LOL!)

    I just wish I had been able to loosen up when I was very much younger. Somehow, those middle years were so busy and full of "life" that sexually they were probably the least fulfilling of all. Now, spanking is the icing on the cake. It has so many uses in our marriage. And who knew how much fun we would both find it!

    Looking forward to your next post, whatever the subject.


    1. Hi, Ami. I don't have a lot of time on here and the little time I have is usually spent either corresponding to the people who write to me, or drafting new posts. Since I don't spend a lot of time reading and responding to other blogs, I think it affects the lack of comments here. But it's all good. I'm glad you like what I write. :)

      I think your approach to slowly trying new things is perfect. And I agree, when you extend that trust, things can really become amazing.

      I'm so glad you two have come to a place where you are happy, and you've grown together. That's beautiful!

      By the way...bondage is overrated, in my opinion lol.

  3. Thank you for the post. Very good information. Submission in physical intimacy is definitely a builder of submission in general. I’ve led my wife in her submission from the beginning of our marriage, but that’s something that’s really grown over time also.

    I will have her give blowjobs to show her submission, although I don’t often connect it with a spanking, since I don’t want us to think too much about rewards at the end, just about the discipline. She gets down on her knees and gives head when I instruct her to, and that’s something that really sends a message to the heart and mind. It deepens submission.


    1. Hi, Tim, thanks for your comment. Yes, I think that growing naturally into things is definitely the way to go. I also agree that certain sexual situations do indeed heighten dominance and submission. In our dynamic, we have spanking for things other than discipline, but I understand that some draw lines.

  4. Oh I like ��. I've been getting much better about being submissive in bed and it just makes sex soo much better. One thing though that my husband has learned is that if he is patient and understanding that I have a easier time being submissive in bed.

    1. Taking things slow (even when they're completely out of my control) is the way I need things to progress in bed, too. The first time he blindfolded me I cried. Now, I still tense up, but have learned to relax and trust him. But I agree with you, the patience is what makes new things doable!

    2. Yes I know either way I need to be submissive. However when he takes it slow and is nice about it it makes me have a much more accepting attitude. The first time we did anal I hurt and I cried now even though I don't like it doesn't hurt. I also find that the more I please him the more likely he is to try something new that I ask. I finally got him to try roll play the other day.

    3. Oh I didn't something submissive this week. I woke him up with a blow job:)

    4. I think most of us still need a bit of a gentle touch, even when we do like things rough! It can be scary, and uncomfortable.

      Good job on the job, heh heh. ;)

    5. Lol thanks. I think it's one of the only ways he will willing wake up early.

  5. I just discovered this post from your link back to it this morning, and I could cry. I feel so understood. We have struggled mightily with my higher drive and how that works in our D/s dynamic. I can't tell you how it feels to hear that this just might be normal for D/s relationships!! Interestingly, we have recently found oral sex to be a huge help in this area, as you described. I am working on getting comfortable with it. I know you don't usually get very graphic here, but would you be interested in writing a post with some advice, tips, and tricks for oral for submissive oral newbies? I would so appreciate it! Thank you for writing this blog. It is a blessing to me! - Molly

    1. Molly, you are not alone. I am so glad you found this post helpful! Hang in there, and I hope you find what you need!

      As far as advice on giving oral, I'm going to send you to the Bad Girl's Bible! I'll add it to my resources page, too. It's super graphic and not for everyone, but it'll up your oral game. Just sayin'. ;)


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