Sunday, December 18, 2016

To Whom Should You Submit?

I originally wrote this post about a year and a half ago because several readers approached me, asking me things that I found a bit troubling. First, one reader asked if I assumed the man in the relationship is always right, and she pointed out that a marriage should not be based on domineering behavior (I don't think men are always right and agree that dominance and domineering are two different things). Another told me that my posts could be used to justify abusive behavior.

So I drafted (and have since rewritten) the post below, in the hopes of encouraging safe, happy, healthy dynamics: 

I've been blogging now for a few years now, which means that I get quite a few readers. Of the many readers who visit daily, a very, very small portion comment and an even smaller portion write to me. We're talking a fraction of one percent who are in contact with me. Of the people who comment and write, the vast majority are either in a DD or DS dynamic, or want to be. Most are married couples, most in a traditional male-led dynamic. Some are just interested in DD, yes, but most who communicate with me are in a healthy relationship. So I assume, when writing, that the average readers is in, or wants to be in, a healthy relationship.

I apologize for having made this assumption. It pains me to think that something I have posted could be used to defend an unhealthy, harmful relationship. So please, allow me a minute to assert a few important facts. 

Not all men are worthy of submission. 

I've said it before, but it needs to be said again. Leadership and domination are not the same as abuse. You should always feel safe and cared for; if you don't, then please ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Please do not consent to submit to a man who is abusive, an addict, or mentally ill. When you submit yourself to someone, you put yourself at great risk. You are extremely vulnerable. You can be hurt both physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Ask yourself: do I feel safe? Do I trust this person? Can he be depended on to make mature, responsible decisions? Can he handle the responsibility of being in authority? Is he motivated for selfish reasons, or does he love me? Is he mature enough to meet my needs? 

You are worthy of love. Please don't let your desire to loved, taken care of, and protected, cloud your judgment. 

There are many who read this blog because they are interested in submission, and are testing the waters by going online trying to meet a Dom. Please, dear readers, be careful. Please do not submit to anyone unless he has demonstrated the maturity necessary to handle the responsibility of a Dom.

Though Jason and I know a variety of couples and support all walks of life and all levels of D/s on the power exchange spectrum, we can only, in good conscience, support dynamics that are safe, sane, and consensual. 

Is the behavior you engage in safe? Is the submissive physically able to withstand discipline or erotic spanking? Is the dominant able of controlling his own emotions so that they do not cloud his judgment? Are safe guards (such as sit-downs, check-in's, safe words, and code words) in place in the dynamic to allow both the Submissive and Dominant partners to communicate even during emotionally-charged situations? Even healthy D/s relationships need to keep guidelines in place. Just yesterday, Jason gave me a swat that landed right around my lower back and I had to remind him not to swat me there, because the kidneys or my spine can be injured. It was accidental, and we take precautions, but accidents can happen. Does the dominant partner test each implement about before use? 

Is the behavior you engage in sane? Now, what Jason and I deem sane someone else may define as insanity and vice versa. Surely there really is gray area here. For us, this means that punishment be reasonable. For us, the rule of thumb is that erotic spankings are below my tolerance, stress relief or role affirmation just at tolerance, and punishment just above. Jason does spank hard, but he knows me really, really well. Sometimes even play spankings are long and hard, but we communicate throughout, and have communicated effectively enough, that he knows where he can take me. Some couples believe in safe words and agree on that ahead of time. Some find that spanking can only happen for punishment after both parties are prepared, and emotionally stable. What is sane in your dynamic depends heavily on the individual but must be discussed. 

Is your dynamic consensual? Now, I don't mean that I go to Jason every single time and say, "yes, I deserve this, please punish me." Heck, some of the time I'm trying to talk him out of it, and sometimes I am resisting with everything in me, but I do trust him, so even then, I've consented for him to discipline me when he deems it necessary. Just because I want to be disciplined doesn't mean I like when I am. Some consider this "consensual non-consent." But please do ask yourself if your dynamic is consensual. And may I gently suggest in my humble opinion, that if one believes he or she is ordained by God, or mandated by God to discipline his wife, in certain circumstances this very well may negate consent because the submissive partner feels obligated. Please, if you are in a non-consensual relationship, consider discussing this with your partner. Non-consent will rarely lead to the intimacy and peace sought after by most D/s couples. For those interested in further reading, I discussed my personal opinion on equality and respect in this thread.

Thank you for listening. Have a safe, happy, healthy holiday season! 

With love,

Jane (Jason's Girl)

20 comments:

  1. What an incredibly well thought out post, and thank you for publishing. I, of course, am in a very similar relationship, albeit in a Female Led relationship.

    In my relationship, although it is female led, I do not take on the role of the "female", we do not feel the need to subscribe to a "set of rules" that may have written or suggested by someone else, nor do I believe that ALL women are superior to men. Superior or inferior are dangerous words in a D/s relationship if the definition of those words isn't careful administered. I don't feel at all inferior to my Mistress Wife. The dominant role she has, and the submissive role I have is a result of a conscious decision that each of us has made to adjust the power dynamics (power exchange) of our relationship to suit our needs.

    I often wish that there was more discussion on this aspect of a real D/s relationship, which is the reason that I find your post so wonderful.

    Thank you.

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    1. Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, and I'm so glad you enjoyed this post. I do hope my posts have not come across as one-sided. My only range of experience is male-led. I do recognize that others benefit from female-led as well. But as you say, the crux is the agreed-upon power exchange. Thank you!

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  2. I usually just lurk but wanted to say I understood what your first post was saying. I did not sense any of what that reader did.

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    1. Thank you, Mary. I appreciate the feedback!

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  3. I have read here for quite some time, mostly as a lurker. But I agree with your post and I always enjoy reading another point of view and as you have stated there is always room to improve and grow and when we do it makes us and our relationships better.

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    1. Hi Angel, thank you! And I agree.

      I think my main reason in posting this is that even though I think most may have understood my main point, if even a few didn't, I felt it best to explain. I also did think a post on submitting safely was long overdue.

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    2. Hi Angel, thank you! And I agree.

      I think my main reason in posting this is that even though I think most may have understood my main point, if even a few didn't, I felt it best to explain. I also did think a post on submitting safely was long overdue.

      Delete
    3. Hi Angel, thank you! And I agree.

      I think my main reason in posting this is that even though I think most may have understood my main point, if even a few didn't, I felt it best to explain. I also did think a post on submitting safely was long overdue.

      Delete
  4. Fantastic post. This is SO important. Thank you for taking the time to write such a well thought out post.

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    1. I'm so glad you liked it. Thank you! Another reader pointed out to me that you linked to the post. Thank you for that as well!

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  5. Thank you for clarifying your post, J Girl. I did not mean to criticise you in any way - far from it, but I do like to engage with bloggers who write posts that are not only helpful to the few, but helpful, in my opinion, to the many lurkers who may be reading.

    I actually think that a series on 'submissive behaviour' is such a good idea, and you have the gift of putting words together.

    I think one of the main reasons men can become over domineering or over jealous in a relationship is their lack of maturity; their inability to thinks things through. Sadly with the demise of the family unit and the 'modern' way of teaching these days in schools, I am not hopeful that there will be an improvement in that situation any time soon.

    But I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging my comments in such a positive and helpful way.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Hi, Ami. I didn't take it as criticism. I did wonder initially if you really didn't understand my dynamic with Jason. But that's okay, I see now that even if you are playing the Devil's Advocate, or asking questions out of general curiosity, it's beneficial to dialgue at a deeper level. So thank you.

      I agree that a lack of maturity is one of the causes for domineering versus dominant behavior. It takes a very mature man, who has self control, and who is willing to be giving of himself, to dominate in a way that is respectful and fulfilling.

      I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I think it was overdue, and I feel better having written it. I hate to think others are being hurt, but it's naive to say it doesn't happen. I feel we bloggers have a responsibility to encourage safe behavior!

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  6. Jane:

    Merry Christmas to you, Jason, and your family.

    Rick

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    1. I'm sorry I'm late here! Thanks so much, Rick, and a very Merry Christmas to you!

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  7. Jane:

    Important information and well written. Merry Christmas to you, Jason, and the family!!

    Rick

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  8. Hi J.girl,
    As always, full of insight and so gently said. This post was very necessary! Thank you.

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  9. Thank you for a great cautionary article. Food for thought.

    May I ask: how do you define "tolerance"?

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    1. Thank you.

      I'd define "tolerance" to be the point at where one can "take" it. So, at the point I want it to stop is my tolerance threshold. It's a very relative term, though, I'll admit.

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