Hello, readers! School begins next week, so things are getting busy here. I know many of you can relate!
Recently, I've had a few blog readers write to me with questions. Because the questions were asked multiple times by a few readers, I thought it might be good to elaborate a bit in a blog post, as other readers may be interested as well.
One reader said she couldn't really imagine how our “day to day” looks, with small children in our home. I've mentioned in several posts that we are raising a family, and several readers have asked how this works. How is it possible to maintain a fairly intense level of d/s in the home, with all the commitments we have? I thought I had written about this, and didn't want to get into a narcissistic post, but when I asked around a bit, it seems I really haven't written much about this. Others were indeed curious. And the nature of blogging means that new readers come in and out frequently.
So, I'm going to take a little bit of time to explain how things work for us. As I've said before, how it works for one couple won't necessarily work for another. But maybe there are some approaches that do help, as others find their own way?
Saturday night, Jason and I went out on a date, just the two of us. When we were there, I mentioned something about our dynamic, though I can't really remember now how the conversation started. He smiled, and shrugged. “It's funny,” he said. “In the beginning, it's all kind of novel.” He made a swinging motion with his hand (spank, spank, spank!), while I blushed furiously and hoped no one noticed. “But after a while, it just becomes the norm. Routine. This is what we do. This is who we are.”
And really, that sums it up quite nicely.
I know when I started out, I wanted to read everything. It was always on my mind. I was so consumed by the thought of a DD dynamic, and had no idea this was really how anyone ever did things. I was so drawn to it! And certainly as we incorporated more and more into our dynamic, things became even more consuming, as we had to figure things out. But now, that really doesn't happen. Now, it's about us maintaining the dynamic we've set in place.
So how do we do it?
First, I should explain that we do have a fairly large family, ranging in age from toddler to pre-teen. For privacy reasons, I try not to blog too many details (such as our location, the number and ages of our children, etc), but I'm just trying to paint a picture here. We have enough older children, who are responsible and not little tykes anymore, that having daily moments of privacy is completely reasonable and manageable. It's different if you have a toddler or baby, or little one's that need constant supervision. We're not in that position. Our children do not need constant supervision, as some of the older ones are old enough to stay home alone and help watch their younger siblings. This makes a difference.
Every single morning, before Jason leaves for work, we have our morning check-in with each other. We do this privately. The kids are downstairs, have had breakfast, and are at the other end of the house. They are safe, because as I've explained, we have older, responsible children and all our children have been taught to give mom and dad a few minutes in the morning together, uninterrupted (barring anything very important, of course), as we plan our day. We've been doing this for a very long time now. They know this is how we do things. But we don't take a long time doing this, either. It takes a few minutes, sometimes a bit longer, but rarely more than five minutes. This is when he goes over my rules. I kneel, he asks me to tell him what he expects of me that day, and he goes over my daily to-do list. He rearranges things, eliminates or adds things if necessary, and I have my daily plan. Then, I go over his knee. We have a variety of implements that are quiet, and have done the “sound” test, so we know any spanking cannot be heard downstairs. Fortunately, we have an older, but solidly-built house, and our room is nearly soundproof.
He does occasionally smack my bottom in a teasing way, so if our kids ever hear anything, they can chalk it up to dad teasing mom. This has happened. We are confident our kids do not know the details of our dynamic, as we maintain a high level of discretion, at least with the spanking element.
So we have our morning check-in. I'm set on the right track and so is he, as he likes knowing he's leaving me in a good place before he leaves.
As the day goes on, I follow my plan. I have it listed in order of priority, tasks I have here at home, things I need to get to, and things I'd like to get to. This is pretty normal stuff, like everyone else likely has. I'm a “type A” kinda gal with a good deal of goals I'm trying to accomplish, so I'm pretty regimented about this myself. I have a whole “monthly goal” list broken down into weekly, then daily, that I tackle day by day.
Whenever I'm feeling emotional, upset, stressed, etc., it's an expectation here that I'm to go immediately to Jason. However, he's got an intense job and isn't always available. So he expects me to send a text when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not allowed to get to the place where I “lose it.” Not allowed to spiral out of control, lose my temper, hide my feelings or emotions, or anything of the sort. So that's why we have this in place. Now, he can't always respond immediately, but just having that outlet for me to go to when I need to, helps me. And when he can, he responds.
He does expect me to check in throughout the day, when I can. Some days are very full, and I check in rarely. I love being able to send him positive messages, though, to let him know things are going well, that I'm managing my list, we're having a good day. And some days when things are more challenging, I find the act of messaging him alone often helps me process. And this helps him, too, as he can help me before I spiral out, but he also sees patterns and can help me. Things like, “When you start your day off doing X, I find that you seem to have a hard time getting to Y.” And we can both, together, come up with a better strategy.
It helps to get even those very very brief messages from him. “You're such a good girl.” “That's my girl. I'm proud of you.” “I miss you.” “I can't wait to see you tonight.” He messages me very short things like that regularly, and I just love it.
So during the day, that's about the extent of our communication with one another. But it is regular. I'm constantly thinking of what he expects of me, because we've gone over his expectations before he left for work. I know if there are things he really really wants me to do, and I don't get too derailed, because it's not allowed. He's reasonable, of course...if something comes up that's unavoidable, then I need to make the best judgment call I can. But mostly, he expects me to stick to the plan we have at the beginning of the day, and if I don't, he expects a good explanation.
When he comes home, just like the morning, the kids are expected to give us a brief time together to go over our day. Again, it's just a few minutes, but they do give us privacy. Before anything else gets done. Before we eat dinner. He and I go alone to our room, shut and lock the door, and we go over our day. He checks in with me. Was I able to stay on plan? If not, why not? Did anything come up that he needs to know about? How am I feeling? Is something bothering me? I tell him anything I need to. And he always asks me if there's anything he needs to know...did I break any rules?
Punishment is mostly very rare. But occasionally, I do have to tell him... I swore. I was late for an appointment and I was speeding. I lost my temper with so-and-so. It happens. If it's a fairly minor infraction, he'll usually have me go over his lap right then, and spank me. If it's more serious, which is even rarer, he'll usually have me wait until the kids are in bed for the night. If I'm getting close to the edge on something, he may issue a stern warning.
Sometimes, I tell him I'm tired, or overwhelmed, or grumpy. He'll tell me he wants me in bed early, or when the kids go to bed, he thinks a good, centering spanking is in order. He'll often ask me how I want to spend my evening, and he'll tell me if there's anything he wants to do, too. Evenings are our down-time, and after our kids go to bed, we usually spend some time together, or doing our own things (like reading).
What about obeying him in front of our kids, and family? Everyone knows I obey Jason, but out of respect for me, he's discreet in how he handles things. He does not make any bones about calling the shots, but most of the time it's a fairly nonchalant way about things. "No, I don't think we should make that committment. Let's plan a different time instead," he might say, and I'll nod and agree. Or he might say, "Don't forget sunblock when you all go to the beach tomorrow," and sometimes he's quite stern about things. But this is how he is. He leads with kindness, but he is in charge. It's just how he is, and everyone, from our friends, to our kids, to our own parents, know that it works for us.
Just the other day, I was going for a run, and Jason insisted I go to the gym instead of the small park near my house with a track (where I wanted to go). I was a bit miffed. I wanted to run outside and I told him. I got "the look" and "I said no. It's dangerous and I don't want you there alone." I knew then that the conversation was over. This was in front of our whole family, and they know, this is just how we do things, but it's not unusual for me to tell a friend, "My overprotective husband said I'm not allowed." They laugh, as they know I love my overprotective husband, and he's only overprotective because he loves me. No one ever, ever questions my obedience to him.
If I push...I'm only human, and occasionally hormonal tendencies make me a bit, er, unreasonable...he will give me a warning, but he's discreet. There's a hand squeeze signal, or he'll say something like, "Do we need to discuss this privately?" I know what he expects. There have even been times when he's stopped me in my tracks with a very discreet number. "That's ten." My stomach plummets and I behave myself as I know exactly what "ten" he means, ten right over his lap.
We also have a code word, though. If I'm getting overwhelmed or angry or something similar, we thought a few years back it would be helpful to have a code word so I could communicate discreetly with him. However, we never came up with a word, so I literally just say...code word! Ha! Then he knows I need him.
Our children take up a good deal of our time, and that's the way things should be. I love raising a family with Jason. He's such a fantastic father. Our kids just adore him. And he helps me to grow into being the mother I want to be. Every parent knows how it goes...you can have a romantic evening planned, and a little knock on the door means you may have to make room in your bed for a little one who had a nightmare. D/S couples are no exception. We frequently have to put down what we have in mind to tend to the needs of our family. This is why we check in with each other at least twice a day, but it's also why our check-in's are so brief, (though, when things heat up, as they are wont to do, it a can take a little longer! )
In short, we're really just an average couple, who has a pervasive dynamic that's discreet. I wear a collar that looks just like a necklace. I obey him, and he has the right to discipline me, yes, but it all just dovetails with our normal day-to-day. Our dynamic is, indeed, foundational, but, as Jason said, “This is what we do. This is who we are.” Because D/S works for us, and is at center of our relationship, it keeps things going. We have intimacy, and peace. We are able to manage challenges that come up. Our dynamic doesn't preclude all the other things we're called to do. Instead, it helps us fulfill all we're called to do, as we are a team, helping each other grow, as our own relationship flourishes.
I will forever be grateful we found this when we did.