Well, it seems I took an unplanned sabbatical in the month of September. It was insanely busy, much more than both Jason and I would've preferred. We are mostly quiet, home bodies, that prefer a lot of down time and not a lot of socializing or running around. But much of the busyness of September was unavoidable. Anyway, we survived. And I only got in trouble...a few times. I'm mostly a good girl, you know! But when I'm not...well, he knows what to do with me.
Anyway! There's a topic that I've been thinking on for a while now, that I thought might be a good one to bring up as I get back into blogging.
Fantasy versus Reality.
Of course, because of the nature of the subject of this blog is DD or D/S, I'm referring specifically to fantasy versus reality in a d/s dynamic.
About six months ago or so, I was chatting with a submissive friend of mine. Her husband is a former reader of my blog. Note, I said "former." She told me he won't read blogs anymore, because it's too difficult to determine what is true and what isn't, and he feels that bloggers encourage readers to embrace the fantasy instead of reality in their d/s world. Ouch. It got me to thinking...do I do that here?
I am scrupulously honest, so that part of the criticism did not bother me. If anyone thinks I'm not honest, they're free to not read. It's my personal opinion that dishonestly can't be maintained for a length of time, so those who blog dishonestly will show their true colors eventually. I'm not here to be popular (have you seen how few comments I get? lol), so I post what I feel led to post. So that particular criticism, I get, but I don't feel it applies to me.
However, the second part of the criticism may apply. I tend to be a fairly optimistic person in all areas of life, so when I come to blog, I do try to put a positive spin on things. It's how I face things, with rosy-eyed optimism, even to a fault, at times. So yes, perhaps I do show that things are rosier than they actually are. I am also a hopeless romantic. So when I talk about Jason, and I blog about our life here, I do paint a fairly romantic, positive, glowing picture.
And the truth is, Jason and I are pretty madly in love with one another. It's not an exaggeration. We just are. Last night, he pulled me over to him and in for a hug and said something like, "I know you like me." (He's so cute!) I cuddled in and said something like, "You know I adore you." I do. He's kind of amazing, and he thinks I'm pretty cool, too.
So where does the fantasy versus reality put us, then?
Jason and I have been at this dynamic now for nearly three years, though we had a d/s dynamic in our relationship all along. So sometimes I forget what it was like when we were just beginning. Sometimes I forget the growing pains we went through, until another reader or friend who lives this shares something that triggesr a memory. We've gone through our growing pains. We still have our struggles, as we're only human. But hammering out details of our dynamic is not where we're at right now. We've already come to a place that works for us, and now we maintain that dynamic, changing as our needs shift.
So perhaps I do sometimes paint an unrealstic picture, because I'm immersed in a working, comfortable d/s dynamic.
How to explore this, then? I think I'll take a look at some of the "fantasy" danger zones that come up in some of the fiction I've read, and compare it to the "reality" of living this life.
In fantasy, the Dom is always engaged.
In reality? Yeah, not always. From my perspective in "reality," Jason needs enormous amounts of downtime. In the beginning, when we were starting out, that killed me. I always felt rejected and hurt, and I did not accept the fact that my man couldn't be "on" every day, all day. I took his need to recharge as a personal slight against me. I felt if he pulled away, it was a personal refusal of me as a person.
Not so! Being a Dominant requires an incredible amount of self-control and emotional availability. Jason has a demanding job at work, and a busy life as a father, and although he is amazing at being available and attentive to me, he really needs time to unwind. Knowing that, I plan on it now. The kids and I have plans on Saturday afternoons that intentionally don't include him, just so he can have a few hours alone. I go to bed several hours before Jason does, and get up several hours before him. I didn't like our differing bedtimes for a long time, but have come to accept it's in both of our best interests. This works for us.
When he is very busy at work (this time of year especially), he is not always as available as I'd like. So how do I handle that? I work out often, and hard, six days a week. A regular, intense workout routine provides stress relief and the endorphin rush I crave. I make self care a high priority. I stay in touch with good friends. I have goals I'm working toward, and my own interests apart from Jason. I also know, because of our routine here, that I can count on two check-in's a day, and open communication. So when I need him, I to go to him. But I do make sure I am taking care of my own needs as well.
In fantasy, the Dom is 100% consistent, follows through with discipline and handles aftercare perfectly.
In reality, Doms are human beings. They are not always consistent. They sometimes don't have the energy to follow through. They aren't always in a place to give aftercare. And in reality, some Doms don't always agree that discipline is needed.
Now, since we've been at this a while, we don't struggle with consistency. Jason is consistent, and I know if he thinks I deserve to be punished, I will be punished. He tries to follow through as soon as possible, but in reality, that doesn't always work out. Recently, I was absolutely exhausted, and I lost my temper with him. It was brief, but unacceptable. I felt immediately repentant. He came in to me, was very gentle as he knew I was so exhausted, and told me he wouldn't allow the disrespect, but I needed sleep more than anything. He made me go to bed. The next day, he did indeed take me over his lap and remind me that he expects respect from me, and I was punished quite firmly. But in reality, it waited for the next day. In reality, he felt my needs for sleep were more important than my need to be discplined.
In reality, I don't always get aftercare. There have been times when he was still very upset with me. Times when he felt being sent to bed with a sore bottom was a more effective punishment than a hug afterward.
In fantasy, spankings are sexy.
In reality, spankings hurt. Yeah, we have our sexy spankings and yes, I'm deeply erotically attracted to Jason's discipline. But in reality, placing myself over his knee to be disciplined is not hot; it isn't all gushy and sexy. It is hard to do. It's humbling. The actual acceptance of discipline is far more challenging in real life.
In fantasy, things are textbook perfect.
In reality, they're not.
But in a fantasy world, perfection is fleeting.
There is depth to a relationship that is tested, and lasts. There is depth to a relationship in which both parties have learned to compromise, to work through the difficulties, and give of themselves to one another.
In reality, love is built on a foundation of trust and self-giving, not hearts and flowers.
I much prefer reality to fantasy.
What about you, readers? What have you found different in reality than in fantasy? Do you think blogs promote fantasy over reality? How do you think we can counteract this?