Friday, November 27, 2015

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Thanks so much to all who voted!

What type of post would you like to read?

Anecdotal posts focusing on the romantic side of a d/s dynamic
Personal experiences and "advice from the trenches"
"Everyday d/s experiences"
Questions inviting reader feedback
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Saturday, November 21, 2015

I Need You To Dom Me

When we were first beginning, my needs to feel Jason's strength were damn near insatiable. I would read things online, or imagine how things would be, and I knew I wanted it. 

He always has been the Dominant partner here, so there was no major shift in how we related to one another when we began the D/S journey, other than both of us more thoroughly embracing those roles. But we had very few rules in the beginning. Jason said things like, “But you're such a good girl. Why would I spank you?” 

He had lower expectations for me then...and that was how things were supposed to be, as we asked ourselves what we wanted from this, and worked through them. Gradually, he would add something to “the list.” It's what I call “the theoretical list of spankable offenses.” As our dynamic grew, so did his expectations for me. 

But when we were just beginning, I would feel so needy. I would want to feel him. And I would say, “I need you to Dom me.” 

Over and over again, he would say, “I have no idea what you're talking about. What does that even mean, I want you to Dom me?

So over time, I found some ways to communicate that need more effectively. When he did “Dom me” I would thank him, or show him in so many other ways exactly how grateful I was. 

I like it when you overpower me. 

Phew is that sexy. I love it when he holds my hands up over my head while we make love, or commanding me to stay in position. I love it when he wraps his hand in my hair and pulls, and I feel the tug all the way down my spine. I like when he's over me, or on top of me, or he pins me up against a wall. That tiny prickle of fear is erotic, because I know he would never hurt me and I'm his. I love when he picks me up and pulls me over his lap. I love the feeling of knowing he's stronger than I am. He will take what's his, he doesn't ask, and I love that.

I like it when you tell me what to do. 

I like it when he asserts himself over me. When he tells me to go to bed, or to drive carefully, or to make sure I do what I need to, I feel that I am important to him. 

Now, sometimes, I rail against that. Sometimes I want my own way. But I love that he will take the time to ensure my wellbeing. It means I am important to him.

I like it when you help me stay on track. 

It's easy to neglect my own self care. I'm better about it now than I used to be, but he has rules for me that help me. They're like guard rails on a highway, boundaries that comfort, and I feel safe knowing I cannot stray. Sometimes I am in a place of emotionally spiraling, and his stern, “That's enough,” is all I need. 

The other night, I got a spanking for losing my temper. It wasn't an awful spanking, more of a reminder than anything, but I was so very tired from a long day. He took me over his knee, spanked me quickly and firmly, and sent me to bed. I needed this. I was so exhausted. I fell asleep, and woke with a clearer focus, thankful he didn't let me derail.

I like it when you take control. 

Balm to the soul. Calm to the mind of the submissive. When he steps in and sets things to right. It could be so very simple, and it's taken years to train myself in accepting even the simplest of his wishes. Even now sometimes I resist. My fears come into play. 

Last week, we went out with friends and had dinner. It was an expensive night, and Jason had budgeted for it and he pays the bills. He's very much on top of the situation and I love that he is, because I hate dealing with money. Later, we were snuggling in bed and I mentioned the meal. “Was it very expensive?” I asked. He merely smiled and said, “Is that something you need to worry about?” I told him no, and it brought peace to me to put it right out of my mind again. 

I like it when you make me focus on you. 

He expects me to come to him immediately when he calls me. He will make me put down what I'm doing and come sit between his feet, or kneel by the bed. A finger under the chin or even lightly holding the chin to maintain eye contact is a very dominant move he uses often, and I love that. I feel like I'm precious to him. It's a subtle reminder of my submission to him. When he talks to me, he demands my undivided attention. 

I recently was in the kitchen, focused on a million things at once, and he came in the room. Leaning up against the counter, he grabs me and pulls me over. My mind is racing, but then...ahhhh. He's over me, I'm under his spell, and he's whispering things in my ear. Yes, this. He often puts his hand on my neck, when we're out or about, a quick touch that I find erotic and calming all at once.

I like it when you call me your good girl

Jason will text me throughout the day and ask if I've done what he's left for me. If I have, I will often get a, “that's my good girl,” response. I melt with “good girl.” But there are other things he calls me, too. My all-time favorite, that's mostly used when he's tucking me in at night, is “little one.” “Sleep well, little one,” is simply lovely. But even a brief text when I'm out with friends, “How's my baby girl?” makes me feel special to him. The coveted “good girl” has to be earned, so it reminds me of my obedience to him when he uses it. 

I lke it when you make me obey you. 

In theory, I want to obey him. I'm attracted to his authority over me, so deeply I crave it. But I need to know he expects me to obey him. I need to know he'll discipline me if I don't. Even though I don't like to be punished, it's far worse if he allows an infraction to go unpunished, because my obedience to him is crucial. If I'm allowed to disobey him, or disrespect him, a vital part of how we relate is missing. The simple words, “Am I clear on what I expect?” or “Do you understand me?” or “Do I need to take you across my knee?” reassures and brings me back to center. And when I don't meet his expectations? I need to know he will hold me accountable. 

What does it mean when I say “I like it when you Dom me?” It's an elusive phrase, and means different things to different people. These are some ways I appreciate Jason "domming" me. What are some of yours?

Saturday, November 14, 2015

I am His.

I hang up the phone. 

I hate the phone call I just had. It was brief, but painful, another issue with a family member that is an ongoing problem. It's such a problem, that I'm not allowed to call this person without asking permission first because Jason prefers to be with me when I call. He's protective like that, and I love that he is. 

But I had permission. I just needed to ask her a quick question. I was going about my day, doing what I had to do, and I picked up the phone and called. It was just a simple question. And just like that, a few sentences later, I'm hurt, the severity of the words she had for me dredging up my own struggles of rejection, reminders of my past, and the hurt that will just keep on hurting. 

“I wish I could heal from this,” I say to my friend later that day. “I just wish the wounds would scar already.” 

“How could they?” she said, “When they keep reopening?” 

Jason is at work, and occupied. I send him a text and he gives me all he can in the moment, “I'm sorry, baby.” 

My sister is waiting for me to call her. I take a breath, take my phone to a private place, where my kids can't hear me, and without planning to, I spill my guts to my sister. I cry. I apologize that I'm a weeping mess, as I'm helpless to hold it in any longer and I break down. “Let it out,” she says. She knows. I don't have to explain a thing. She's right there in this with me. After I cry, and tell her, “God, I miss dad,” and we cry together on the phone, remembering the way his voice would welcome us, and I remember with tear-filled clarity the day he told me how proud I made him.

But after I text my friend, and talk to my sister, the pain is dulled but I'm still aching inside. 

I need Jason. 

“What would you do if you didn't have him?” I ask myself, the ever-present question that plagues me, the struggle I have in building this life together, this daily, constant, pulsing, symbiotic relationship in which we both meet one another's needs so fully. 

I crave him. His husky, “Morning, gorgeous,” when I bring him his morning coffee. “C'mere,” he says, sleep-drugged whispered in the darkness of our bedroom, pulling me close, his hands in my hair, pulling my head down to his chest, still warm from sleep, as his whiskery kiss flutters on my forehead. “I need to feel you,” he says. He wants me near when he wakes. 

I crave our morning routine, when he's dressed in crisp work clothes, me on my knees before him as he goes over my day ahead, approves of my list and orders my plan of the day, reminds me of my obedience to him, and pulls me over his lap to remind me of my place as his submissive, ending with the solid reminder of who I belong to when he snaps my bracelet on my wrist. 

I crave his texts throughout the day, our evening check-in, his voice on the phone, the way he randomly sings eighties rock tunes when we drive in the car, and cranks them up, playfully smacking my fingers if I go to change the station (which I do just to annoy him, not because I don't like his music.) 

I crave his sternness. The look he gives me when he wants to know I'm paying attention. The firm, “Time for bed, little girl,” I get when I want just one more minute of reading before bed, and he points to the bedside table for my phone to go down for the night. Yes, even the way he opens his desk drawer and removes his favored implement, the quiet but oh-so-effective rod he wields expertly to keep me in place, teach me to obey, ease my stress, and remind me who I belong to every time I sit down. 

But right now, I just want him. Right now, I need him. 

I do what I need to do, stay focused, and remind myself that yes, if he wasn't here anymore, I'd be okay. I'd manage. But today, I do have him. Today, he's coming home to me. 

And he does. He holds my hand as he listens to the kids and does what he needs to do. He sings his eighties rock. He hands me a little piece of chocolate he's picked up for me at work and I practically squeal like a little girl. And when he's done what he needs to do, he calls me upstairs. 

“Come here,” he orders. I go to him and kneel and bury my head on his chest. He pulls me in. “You need this,” he said. “Before we do anything else tonight, I know you need this.” I nod. And I don't say much. I don't shed the tears I did earlier, because I don't need to now. I tell him in very few words I'm hurting, and he says he understands. He tells me tonight we'll spend some time alone, and reminds me of the very very fun time we had the night before. I giggle, shy but pleased to share the memory with him. 

And then he's asking me if there's anything I need to tell him. Any rules broken? Did my list get done? Did I focus on what I was supposed to do? I did focus, I did get it done, and he pulls me in with the coveted “good girl” as my reward. And this is how he does it, how he's giving me what I need. The support that I crave. The understanding and comfort. The reminder of my role and his, the ever-present authority over me that comforts. The intimacy and companionship. 

We go about our evening. As I type this, preparing to edit and publish in the morning, he's with our children in another room. They're finishing their movie, and then we'll have our bedtime routines. But when the quiet has settled, he'll call me to him. He's already said he will. He will lay down in bed and pull me up on his chest. I'll rest in the knowledge that it's all okay. That the world will rail against me, and hurt will bring me down. The days will be long, and some days will be hard. But he's got me. I'm precious to him. He loves me, and I am his.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Show Him You Want Him

Recently, a blog reader and friend of mine wrote and asked me a question. I hemmed and hawed and thought about how to answer her. It wasn't the first time I've been asked a similar question. In fact, in my experience, her question is a very common struggle for many of us who consider ourselves submissive. After thinking it over, I asked her if it was okay if I took her question and my personal response to the blog. She willingly obliged. So here goes. I'd love it if others chimed in with advice as well. 

I know most men like to take the lead and be the one in control. But I have found that although my husband is very dominant and prefers it that way, he has desires that I am struggling to fulfill. Mostly I think it is because of my lack of confidence. But I also think it is the difficulty to balance the submissive part and the sexual part (where he wants me to initiate sex sometimes). I have realized that sometimes he wants me to want him, take him and show him how strongly I desire him. I find it hard to take the lead in the bedroom but still make him the boss at the same time. And that is what he wants. I know for some women this is not a problem at all. But for me it is hard to be the hunter. It is as if I take the easy way out of being submissive in the bedroom and let him take the lead all the time, when really pleasing him is also part of being submissive. I guess I am asking for practical advice to fulfill his needs, where to start and what to keep in mind. 

This is really an excellent question. For those especially beginning the submissive journey, it may seem that the best way to be submissive in bed is to allow anything to happen that he wishes to happen. To not turn him away, be receptive to his love-making and advances. To do whatever he tells you. 

And sure, maybe some of that may be part of a d/s couple's intimacy. I can say for sure that I don't turn Jason away, even when he wakes me in the middle of the night (not an uncommon occurance). I promise, it's, um...not a hardship. Ahem. 

If he wants me to try something, I'm game. He wants me on my knees, I'm there. And of course I love it when he does things like restrains my hands, commands me into a certain position, and ultimately controls every moment of our love-making. Love this. 

But he's human, too, and even though he's my Dom, and I his submissive, Jason wants to feel desired. He loves that I submit to him in bed – I daresay, it's one of the aspects of our dynamic he likes best. Ha! But being receptive to him isn't the only way I can submit to him. There is a way to make him feel feed his own needs to feel loved, and appreciated, and attractive. I can initiate with him as well. 

Now, before I get into more details about this, I want to be clear that I don't expect that what Jason wants is necessarily what every dominant male wants. I can imagine some Doms prefer to always initiate. They may dislike initiation from their submissive, and may even forbid it. This is one of those areas in which open communication and honesty is essential. 

How can I pursue intimacy...and show him I really want him, crave him even...while maintaining my submissive role? Simply put, I need to be willing to follow his lead, even when his lead is difficult to follow.  I need to remember to be respectful. I can be playful without being pushy. My pursuit of him in bed in no way impacts the fact that he's in charge and I obey him. Allow me to explain. 

Let's say it's late at night, and I'm laying next to him. The kids are asleep and the house is quiet. I really would love to have some time together with him. I could lean over and snuggle up to him and wrap my legs around his. If he's doing something – say, reading, or watching a show – maybe I'll ask him, “May I please have your attention for a minute?” (remembering that the phrase "may I" immediately recalls to mind both our roles). But in my heart, I need to be prepared for him to say no. Maybe he'll say, “I'm right in the middle of something and need you to be patient. Not now.” He might even say, “It's past your bedtime and I'd prefer you to wait for the morning.” There are a few choices I have in how I respond. I could pout, or push, or pull away and feel resentful. Or I could accept his answer, already having prepared myself for whatever his answer may be. Because he is the leader, and I follow his lead. 

Now, most of the time Jason wouldn't turn me away, send me to bed, or deny my request for his time. But it's not an impossibility. 

So let's say he does put down what he's doing. Maybe he puts his arm around me and pulls me close. Maybe he notices I'm...ahem...scantilly clad, or, even better...wearing even less. He might get “that look” in his eyes and one thing leads to another. But he might not. He might look at the time and say, “I really don't think we have time for this,” or “This is a great idea, but I'm just not up for it tonight, honey.” Ouch. It stings, but I'm his submissive. So I have to respectfully, politely, accept his answer. 

I haven't always done this very well. Yep. I've been spanked for having a fit about no sex. Good one, huh? 

I'm better about it now, though. Now, when I pursue and he denies...which isn't the norm, but again, still happens...I accept whatever he tells me. And it doesn't hurt like it used to. 

So the acceptance of his response is crucial to the submissive mindset. If we are obeying, then we are obeying even when we don't want to. 

But let's say he is interested. He's put his movie or book down, he's noticed my appealing lack of clothing, and now he's ready for something else. Is this where I lie still and let him do whatever he wants me to? If he wants to, yes, if he goes into command mode and flips me over and pins my hands in place. Really, I'm all over that scene. 

But maybe he wants me on my knees. Maybe he wants me lighting a candle, or fetching an implement. Maybe he even wants me on top of him, straddling him. He loves when I straddle him. I used to hate that, and still get self conscious at times. I feel more comfortable with it now. Practice makes perfect.

How to be submissive while initiating? I reach out and run my hands around his chest, and ask permission to touch him. “May I kiss you?” 

“May I have permission to give you a....” (you know what I mean.) 

But sometimes I ask him without words. I reach for him tentatively, and if he's interested, I keep doing what keeps him interested. If he's not...I follow his lead. 

He loves when I come in fresh from a shower and give him what he calls the "come hither" eyes. He loves when I bring him coffee in bed, lock the door, and stand in front of the bed and strip. He loves when I get up on my knees and pleasure him while he lies in bed, in every way I can possibly imagine. Loves all of that. 

I know he loves it, and I give that to what am I doing? Showing an interest in him sexually, being the one to initiate, doesn't detract from my submissive role. I am pleasing him. And isn't it my job to seek to please him? 

If you, like my friend, suspect your husband would also like it if you showed more interest, there are a few things I'd suggest you try. 

Buy yourself some new little things to dress up in. New panties, bras, a sexy little nightie. Or, surprise him and wear nothing. 

Ask yourself what time of day he's more receptive. When he wakes up in the morning (pretty common, I think). When he comes to bed at night? And prepare yourself. Be open to his pursuit, but respond. Touch him back. Ask for permission to please him. Kiss him. Straddle him. Jason loves it when he knows I'm enjoying myself, telling him out loud how much I am, or with my body language and the sounds I make that I am indeed enjoying things. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Confidence is sexy. It's important to keep that in mind. See this? 

You may find he digs it. Not necessarily off the table if you're submissive. Why? Because confidence is attractive. 

Let your husband know you want him. Flirt. Send him a sexy text message. Whisper suggestive things into his ear. Offer to try something different and exciting. Touch him often. Don't let the sun set on a day you haven't given him a lingering kiss and a little bit more.

What about you, readers? Do you have any advice along these lines? How would you urge a submissive to pursue intimacy with her husband, if he wishes her to?

Would you like to read more on this subject? You may enjoy post two in my "Cultivating Submission" series: "In the Bedroom."