Saturday, November 7, 2015

Show Him You Want Him

Recently, a blog reader and friend of mine wrote and asked me a question. I hemmed and hawed and thought about how to answer her. It wasn't the first time I've been asked a similar question. In fact, in my experience, her question is a very common struggle for many of us who consider ourselves submissive. After thinking it over, I asked her if it was okay if I took her question and my personal response to the blog. She willingly obliged. So here goes. I'd love it if others chimed in with advice as well. 

I know most men like to take the lead and be the one in control. But I have found that although my husband is very dominant and prefers it that way, he has desires that I am struggling to fulfill. Mostly I think it is because of my lack of confidence. But I also think it is the difficulty to balance the submissive part and the sexual part (where he wants me to initiate sex sometimes). I have realized that sometimes he wants me to want him, take him and show him how strongly I desire him. I find it hard to take the lead in the bedroom but still make him the boss at the same time. And that is what he wants. I know for some women this is not a problem at all. But for me it is hard to be the hunter. It is as if I take the easy way out of being submissive in the bedroom and let him take the lead all the time, when really pleasing him is also part of being submissive. I guess I am asking for practical advice to fulfill his needs, where to start and what to keep in mind. 

This is really an excellent question. For those especially beginning the submissive journey, it may seem that the best way to be submissive in bed is to allow anything to happen that he wishes to happen. To not turn him away, be receptive to his love-making and advances. To do whatever he tells you. 

And sure, maybe some of that may be part of a d/s couple's intimacy. I can say for sure that I don't turn Jason away, even when he wakes me in the middle of the night (not an uncommon occurance). I promise, it's, um...not a hardship. Ahem. 

If he wants me to try something, I'm game. He wants me on my knees, I'm there. And of course I love it when he does things like restrains my hands, commands me into a certain position, and ultimately controls every moment of our love-making. Love this. 

But he's human, too, and even though he's my Dom, and I his submissive, Jason wants to feel desired. He loves that I submit to him in bed – I daresay, it's one of the aspects of our dynamic he likes best. Ha! But being receptive to him isn't the only way I can submit to him. There is a way to make him feel feed his own needs to feel loved, and appreciated, and attractive. I can initiate with him as well. 

Now, before I get into more details about this, I want to be clear that I don't expect that what Jason wants is necessarily what every dominant male wants. I can imagine some Doms prefer to always initiate. They may dislike initiation from their submissive, and may even forbid it. This is one of those areas in which open communication and honesty is essential. 

How can I pursue intimacy...and show him I really want him, crave him even...while maintaining my submissive role? Simply put, I need to be willing to follow his lead, even when his lead is difficult to follow.  I need to remember to be respectful. I can be playful without being pushy. My pursuit of him in bed in no way impacts the fact that he's in charge and I obey him. Allow me to explain. 

Let's say it's late at night, and I'm laying next to him. The kids are asleep and the house is quiet. I really would love to have some time together with him. I could lean over and snuggle up to him and wrap my legs around his. If he's doing something – say, reading, or watching a show – maybe I'll ask him, “May I please have your attention for a minute?” (remembering that the phrase "may I" immediately recalls to mind both our roles). But in my heart, I need to be prepared for him to say no. Maybe he'll say, “I'm right in the middle of something and need you to be patient. Not now.” He might even say, “It's past your bedtime and I'd prefer you to wait for the morning.” There are a few choices I have in how I respond. I could pout, or push, or pull away and feel resentful. Or I could accept his answer, already having prepared myself for whatever his answer may be. Because he is the leader, and I follow his lead. 

Now, most of the time Jason wouldn't turn me away, send me to bed, or deny my request for his time. But it's not an impossibility. 

So let's say he does put down what he's doing. Maybe he puts his arm around me and pulls me close. Maybe he notices I'm...ahem...scantilly clad, or, even better...wearing even less. He might get “that look” in his eyes and one thing leads to another. But he might not. He might look at the time and say, “I really don't think we have time for this,” or “This is a great idea, but I'm just not up for it tonight, honey.” Ouch. It stings, but I'm his submissive. So I have to respectfully, politely, accept his answer. 

I haven't always done this very well. Yep. I've been spanked for having a fit about no sex. Good one, huh? 

I'm better about it now, though. Now, when I pursue and he denies...which isn't the norm, but again, still happens...I accept whatever he tells me. And it doesn't hurt like it used to. 

So the acceptance of his response is crucial to the submissive mindset. If we are obeying, then we are obeying even when we don't want to. 

But let's say he is interested. He's put his movie or book down, he's noticed my appealing lack of clothing, and now he's ready for something else. Is this where I lie still and let him do whatever he wants me to? If he wants to, yes, if he goes into command mode and flips me over and pins my hands in place. Really, I'm all over that scene. 

But maybe he wants me on my knees. Maybe he wants me lighting a candle, or fetching an implement. Maybe he even wants me on top of him, straddling him. He loves when I straddle him. I used to hate that, and still get self conscious at times. I feel more comfortable with it now. Practice makes perfect.

How to be submissive while initiating? I reach out and run my hands around his chest, and ask permission to touch him. “May I kiss you?” 

“May I have permission to give you a....” (you know what I mean.) 

But sometimes I ask him without words. I reach for him tentatively, and if he's interested, I keep doing what keeps him interested. If he's not...I follow his lead. 

He loves when I come in fresh from a shower and give him what he calls the "come hither" eyes. He loves when I bring him coffee in bed, lock the door, and stand in front of the bed and strip. He loves when I get up on my knees and pleasure him while he lies in bed, in every way I can possibly imagine. Loves all of that. 

I know he loves it, and I give that to what am I doing? Showing an interest in him sexually, being the one to initiate, doesn't detract from my submissive role. I am pleasing him. And isn't it my job to seek to please him? 

If you, like my friend, suspect your husband would also like it if you showed more interest, there are a few things I'd suggest you try. 

Buy yourself some new little things to dress up in. New panties, bras, a sexy little nightie. Or, surprise him and wear nothing. 

Ask yourself what time of day he's more receptive. When he wakes up in the morning (pretty common, I think). When he comes to bed at night? And prepare yourself. Be open to his pursuit, but respond. Touch him back. Ask for permission to please him. Kiss him. Straddle him. Jason loves it when he knows I'm enjoying myself, telling him out loud how much I am, or with my body language and the sounds I make that I am indeed enjoying things. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Confidence is sexy. It's important to keep that in mind. See this? 

You may find he digs it. Not necessarily off the table if you're submissive. Why? Because confidence is attractive. 

Let your husband know you want him. Flirt. Send him a sexy text message. Whisper suggestive things into his ear. Offer to try something different and exciting. Touch him often. Don't let the sun set on a day you haven't given him a lingering kiss and a little bit more.

What about you, readers? Do you have any advice along these lines? How would you urge a submissive to pursue intimacy with her husband, if he wishes her to?

Would you like to read more on this subject? You may enjoy post two in my "Cultivating Submission" series: "In the Bedroom."


  1. JGirl, I wish I could add more to your post with ideas...but it's almost like you write this post for me! I struggle with how to be submissive yet show confidence in myself and what I want. Do I want to be dominated? Hell yeah! But do I know my man wants me to initiate sometimes? Another big yeah!

    Thanks for this particular blog! I'm going to think about how I can show my "confident submission."

  2. It's a difficult challenge, and hard to find the balance But I'm so glad this helped you. I wish you the best of luck!

  3. I love this!!! At first i was unsure how to answer the question, respond to the dilemma. Then as i was reading your response i remembered. It was almost like a checklist of sorts for me. I have done just about everything yoh suggested, i just forgot over the years.
    Thanks for the reminders and the suggestions.
    Thanks for getting me thinking on this topic.
    So very timely.

    1. Hi, Alice, I'm glad the post sparked some memories! Thanks for stopping by. :)

  4. We've had this discussion at our house too. It feels so weird to initiate and not feel "submissive". You are very right that accepting the answer keeps you in your role. Find out what makes your man feel loved and desired and then go for it! Easier said than done, it does feel so very odd for me.

    1. It does, but I think the longer the dynamic intensifies, it becomes easier as roles are more firmly established. I agree, find out what he loves, make it a priority!

  5. Yes to all of the above.
    I still struggle a bit with feeling submissive (and with enjoying myself) while being on top, but remembering that I'm doing the work and he's can simply enjoy himself does help that. Also, more squats and stronger quads. :)

    I simply tell him I've got the hots for him. When he's home, I tend to whisper in his ear or talking in double-entendres. Since I'm fair-skinned, the colour of my face gives me away every time, too. Apparently, the gutter of my mind shines through and is coloured deep pink. ;)
    When he's away, we use Threema, a secure messaging app that doesn't save a copy of everything you send back and forth for steamy (and Ds/DD type) messages, and I have had to accept that he's often not in the headspace to respond, although he does appreciate those sorts of "updates".
    Last but not least, we have a glass shower wall on which we write each other messages with soap, so they appear the next time it steams up. Most often it's lovey-dovey stuff, but sometimes I write him rather explicit messages or naughty pictures.

    I feel there is nothing inherently dominant about desiring my man. But in order to get a chance at having my fantasies fulfilled, I sometimes have to "give him ideas” and be rather blunt about what these are. It's still up to him to say yay or nay or later. I take comfort in the fact that he enjoys my embarrassment when I try to tell him, and fulfilling my wishes as he adores me and they're most of the time right up his alley anyway... (On a side note, why is telling him what I'd like to try always so easy in my head, and then when I actually try to tell him, I'm blushing and giggling and stammering like a schoolgirl? Tsk!)

    1. The shower idea is perfect! Sadly my kids can read but still, it's a nice sentiment lol!

      Jason is the same with my fantasies. He finds my giggling and embarrassment cute and part of the game.

      I agree that desiring him isn't inherently dominant, but I've grown a lot more sexually comfortable in recent years, too.

  6. I think it worth remembering that a lot of things are neither dominant or submissive, apart from context.

    Take a narrative: man orally pleasures his wife, whereupon they both go to bed. He may be kneeling on the floor while she is lying on the bed. Sounds like he is the one being submissive. But maybe his back is a lot more comfortable in that position. And maybe you see that she is restrained. Or you knew that they had a rule that on a particular night each week she had to orgasm for him or be disciplined?

  7. I don't find this a conundrum personally. Perhaps that's because there's always been a playful side to our intimacy.

    1. Might it also be that you've been at it a while, Lilli? I think that's the case for me, anyway. I no longer have any doubt what my role is... it's secure, so being sexually aggressive or initiating seems easier for me now. The playful side is very important, though, too.

    2. That is probably a factor as well as having been married for over 20 years and knowing each other since we were 6. While at one time the dynamic was new, the relationship is well established. ;)

    3. Yes, I bet that does make a difference! And how cool you've known one another so long. (Sorry it took me so long to reply. I'm trying to be better about that!)

  8. This gave me just the push I needed! I realized that the past like 5 times we have had sex have been initiated by my husband. I have just been so tired lately and a ton going on but no excuse to get lazy! I think I will surprise him tonight. I think it's great how you included that he might say no. Because my husband has said no before because unlike what we are told to believe sometimes men aren't up to it. My husband has been working outside today so I will prepare myself for him possibly not being up to it.

    1. I'm glad it gave you the push you needed!

      I agree, we all think men want sex all the time, but let's be honest, sometimes it's work to have sex!

      The rejection can be hard when they say no, but I find it easier if I steel myself for the possibility!

  9. I have a question. Sometimes certain things he likes with sex hurt me not bad pain just uncomfortable, is it not submissive to ask him to adjust or try a different position? A brief example without getting to much tmi we were having sex the other night and just the way we were doing it was making me really hot and sweaty and dizzy I just wasn't enjoying it. :( He could tell I wasn't into it and got upset and stopped. I felt so bad. Should I just grin and bear it if that happens again? It doesn't happen alot most of the time we both really enjoy sex.

    1. Well, this is a tricky question, but I'll give you my opinion. Just please keep in mind it's just that, an opinion.

      I don't think submissive means accepting everything at all times. That's the "door mat" we try to avoid, not submissive. Jason wants me to tell him what is on my mind, so he wants to head these things. Open communication is vitally important in this dynamic.

      That said, I think it's important to ask yourself, is it a legitimate discomfort or pain, or a projected fear? I know if I'm nervous about something, I freeze up, and that makes me not enjoy it. So if you're truly uncomfortable, do tell him, (will he really enjoy himself anyway?) But if you're simply nervous, I would urge you to try to relax and trust him.


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