Saturday, December 12, 2015

Ohhhh, Oh Mercy Mercy Me...

On Thanksgiving, I was more than a little stressed because we were hosting. In many ways, I prefer hosting. It's easier than carting the kids all over the place, and I like being in the comfort of my own home. But I'm introverted, and get stressed by social situations. I was pretty wound up, and Jason and I were alone in the car, going to pick up his father. I was telling him about a new recipe I tried. 

“Don't tell my mom,” he commented wryly. “If it's new, she will make up her mind she won't like it.” 

Now, you'd think I'd know by now, the difference between a suggestion and an instruction. At this point, I truly heard what he said as a suggestion.

He had a point. And I thought it was a good point. And I don't exactly remember how it happened. I think one of my kids brought it up, but in any event I didn't take Jason's advice. I told her about the new recipe.

And sure enough, there were disastrous results. 

Later that evening, when we were alone again, debriefing from the day, I commented, “I should've listened to you,” and told him what happened. He grew quiet and stern. 

“I thought I told you not to say anything.” 

I was taken aback. I'd truly viewed his comment as a suggestion, not an instruction. 

“Oh,” I said. “Yes, and it probably would've been best if I'd done exactly that.” 

But by now, he was being quite stern. “Are you supposed to obey me?” He asked. I sensed the shift in our conversation. It was no longer conversational. His tone had become scolding. 

“I am,” I said in a small voice. I was surprised he was being so stern and began to grow worried. “Are you going to spank me for this?” 

“Yes,” he said. “You're supposed to do as you're told.” 

I said no more at that point. We were nearing home, and I was fighting a variety of emotions.

When Jason and I were new to this, the realization that I would be punished was both arousing and even a bit exciting, even if I didn't like disappointing him. His authority is attractive to me, and before we really embraced this lifestyle, I was heavily drawn to the idea of consistent discipline. 

Things are quite different now. There is no doubt that if he decides I need to be punished, he will punish me. And three years into this, I have a very strong dislike of any type of correction from him, even a small reprimand. I aim to please him. The knowledge that I'm going to be punished makes me sad. He takes disciplinary spankings seriously and I don't enjoy them one bit. 

So when we got home, I had a heaviness about me, knowing I'd be punished. But those weren't the only feelings I was fighting. I really hadn't meant to disobey him. It had been such a long day. I was weary, and unsettled, and I was unhappy about the punishment I had looming over me. As the day wound down, I went up to where Jason was alone. I didn't say anything, simply began to get ready for bed. I wasn't moping or dismal, but a bit withdrawn. 

“You look sad,” he said. “Are you sad because you know I'm going to punish you?” 

I nodded. “May I talk to you?” I asked quietly. He gestured for me to come over. 

I snuggled up to him. 

“I just want to tell you how I feel,” I said quietly. He waited. 

I took a deep breath and spilled all. 

“When you said what you did earlier, I really took it as a suggestion, not an instruction,” I explained. “Honestly, if I thought for a minute that you were giving me an instruction, I would have obeyed you. I'll admit, when I talked to your mom, I felt a twinge of guilt. I thought maybe it wasn't the best thing to do, but I didn't see it as disobedient. I'm not sure I feel right about being punished for this. You know I want to please you. But I didn't mean to disobey you.” 

He put his finger under my chin, and looked at me. He wasn't stern anymore, but very gentle. “And you think it's best I grant you mercy this time?” 

I nodded. “I do.  But after having said all that, I've told you how I feel and I trust you. I'm not trying to talk my way out of punishment, but just tell you where my head is. And if you decide that I should still be punished, I'll take my punishment.” 

He held me close. “I'm not going to punish you this time,” he said. “And I have to tell you, I'm proud of you. It took a lot for you to come up here and tell me all this. And that makes me proud.” 

And I began to cry. 

“Why are you crying, baby?” he said. “Don't cry. You're not in trouble.” 

And I sniffled all over him that I love him, and I want to please him, and I really do hate getting into trouble, and that I was sorry that I hadn't listened to him. 

“See, this is why I don't need to punish you,” he said. “You're already sorry. Now we'll put this behind us. Just stay with me until you feel better, and we'll say no more about this.” 

And I did. I finished my sniffling, and I felt lighter. Understood. Cherished. 

And despite the fact that I hadn't been punished, I felt more determined than ever to obey him. 

Sometimes the extension of mercy is every bit as effective as a harsher chastisement. 



18 comments:

  1. This was so beautiful to read. I think you did the right thing to explain how you felt to him so calmly and his response was just perfect. XOXO

    Renee

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  2. His choice was exactly the right one because he was addressing what in truth happened in your heart. And it can be hard to choose to share what we are thinking about it because we don't want to seem as undermining the dominance we have usually asked from them. But I'm pretty sure you're required to share your thoughts anyway. If you hadn't and it came out later, then you might have been in trouble :-).

    You both did great!

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    1. Thank you. Yes, I do have a rule that I'm supposed to tell him how I'm feeling. So I guess it was inevitable! Lol But yes, it's not always easy knowing how to. His being fair like this helps, though.

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  3. That sounds like something Dragon would do. A little mercy goes a long way.

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    1. It's nice to know even dragons can be merciful. :)

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  4. It's great to see that even in a D/s relationship, every situation can be viewed individually. It seems that not only do you trust Jason, but he trusts you and knows that you were being sincere.
    No matter how hard I try not to stress, the combination of entertaining, holidays and family members always causes some grief. Although my husband says he can't get why it stresses me out, he's usually pretty supportive. Not to say we haven't had times when one or the other lost our temper before anyone even arrived.

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    1. I think it's important that rules are in place as a guideline, not set in stone, because things do come up that a couple needs to talk out. This is why communication is so vital.

      I agree about the holidays. They can be so stressful. But I do find them far less stressful than they used to be, because Jason helps me and I'm able to usually stop things before I get too overwhelmed. Usually. Not always lol!

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  5. A little mercy does go a long way. I'm so glad he listened to you and this was the outcome. Although in all honesty Jason seems the type to think first and take all views into perspective before making his decision. You are one lucky lady.

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    1. Hi, Maggie. He does think first vbefore he makes his decision, unless it's something that happens in the heat of the moment, which does happen sometimes -- like a hard swat to correct an attitude or something. But I agree -- I am lucky, and I am so grateful. He's consistent, and stern, and I need that, but he loves me, and he's fair, so he takes how I feel into account. Love that.

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  6. Something very similar happened between me and my husband a few months ago. He usually escorts me to our room and I was crying softly by the time we got there. I told him how sorry I was, that I didn't realize in the moment that I had done anything wrong, and I was so sorry I had disappointed him. He took me in his arms and told me that he didn't need to punish me, I was sufficiently remorseful and he felt that I would act differently next time. He told me how proud he was of me because he knew I was ready to submit to him and to any punishment he deemed necessary. I truly love that he realizes that sometimes mercy can be just as powerful as a punishment.

    I believe we first learned this lesson here on your blog. You and Jason have been a great example for us. Thank you.

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    1. You know I can totally relate to this, Liz! I feel that the extension of mercy is every bit as consistent as punishment, when the situation warrants it, because it's still a consistent application of submission from you (willing to submit to punishment) and leadership from your husband (making the decision to grant you mercy). I'm glad the experiences Jason and I have had benefitted you two, as well. It's not always easy figuring all this out.

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  7. You have a heartrendingly beautiful way of breaking down the complex steps of a real D/s dance down into individual movements and then neatly tying them back together for a big picture overview. It's a joy to read you and to learn from you. Thank you for all the work you put into your blog. 

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    1. Hi, Willow, thank you for this. I often draft things as they come up, so the moment is fresh and I can express it accurantely. When I came back to this to publish, I felt it was maybe didn't really describe the intensity of the moment, and was there really any point in sharing this? (the curse of the writer, questioning like this!) So thank you for your comment. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post and have gleaned a bit yourself. It makes sharing these personal moments worthwhile.

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  8. JG: I always like how you include a description of how things have changed for you over time. I think it adds a lot, because the reader understands a lot more. They know something about where you have been as well as where you are right now.

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    1. Hello, artlover. One of the reasons I blog is so that those who live the lifestyle (or want to) can have a place to reflect, feel understood, and see how a real couple navigates the tricky d/s waters. So thank you for mentioning this, as it's something I'll keep in mind as I continue to write.

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  9. Mercy is sometimes more powerful than chastisement. Of course that depends largely on the situation at hand, the parties involved, the current mindset/attitude, etc. The communication between the two of you is what I really enjoyed in this post. That's so important! :)

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    1. I totally agree that it depends on a variety of factors -- and honestly, mercy is really rare here. Usually Jaons feels that it's better to discipline than not (and even if in the moment I don't like it, and I never do, I appreciate that). But the communication is such a crucial part of TTWD! THanks for stopping by, Lilli. :)

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