Saturday, December 26, 2015

The Pursuit of Harmony

Recently, I mentioned to a d/s acquaintance of mine that Jason and I had gotten into an argument. I told her, “I should blog about this. I write a lot about positive things, but forget to share the negative things as well.” 

And, I promptly forgot that I was going to blog about it. Those moments are fleeting, and it's easy to move on to the fun stuff. 

Arguing is very rare. But it still happens. Sometimes he says things he shouldn't and sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Misunderstandings happen. Feelings get hurt. Outside stresses put pressure on our relationship. And no, there are no arguments like there used to be, but still, things come up.

We got into an argument a few weeks ago. He was grumpy, and irritable, and snapped at me over something. It's rare he speaks so harshly to me. I had a few choices. I could've snapped back. And in the moment, maybe that would've felt good. But we do have a rule that's very strictly enforced, that if I'm rude or disrespectful to him, I will be punished. Even if I'm provoked, the disrespect isn't tolerated. 

Now, maybe that doesn't seem fair. But what are the alternatives? 

One alternative is that if Jason is the one at fault, I could punish him. Though I respect that particular method applies to some people, it does not work for us. Neither he nor I have the slightest desire for me to have the authority to punish him. 

Hmmm. So, option two. He could decide that since we were both at fault, I shouldn't be punished. He's done this before, and although I respect that, I usually end up feeling quite awful after having disrespected him. And he hasn't taken that approach in quite some time, now that his expectation for my respect, obedience and submission to him are so very high. I'm not allowed even the slightest form of disrespect. 

And I love that I'm not. 

Is it strict? Yes. But I'm attracted to Jason's authority over me, and because of that, it works so much better that he enforce strict expectations regarding my submission to him. We both much prefer it this way. 

So on this particular day, my response to him was to grow very quiet. That was something I had to learn. Responding by being quiet when I'm upset isn't something that comes naturally to me. But it's very rare that Jason is irritable or impatient with me. What happened in this situation, is that I'd had a different expectation regarding what we were doing that afternoon, and he snapped that we weren't doing that at all. At first, I didn't say anything to him. Then I simply said, “Okay. I understand. I just need a minute to adjust my expectations, please.” He kind of growled and glared – oh, what a bear when he's angry! But thankfully, I stayed in my submissive place. 

And that was the extent of our argument. We disagreed. And this time, I was able to keep my cool. Because I maintained an attitude of submission, it was very shortly after that he called me to him, and he apologized. 

It doesn't always happen that way, though. 

More recently, I said something that upset him. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and made an offhand comment about his parents. I shouldn't have, I know, but let's be honest – people don't make in-law jokes for nothing. They can be stressful relationships. And when it's a real serious issue, Jason always goes to bat for me and removes that stress, but sometimes, I let the little things bother me. This was one of those times. 

He snapped back at me, a reactionary comeback that cut me. It's so rare he treats me that way. And I was hurt. So without even thinking, I snapped back at him, muttered swear words and all. Lovely. 

We were both angry. The moment was quite heated. He wanted to talk it out, and I didn't want to. I asked him to leave me alone. We were driving at the time, and we both sort of simmered. We managed to keep our voices low and no one yelled, but after the initial hurtful comments, nothing more was said. He explained to me why he was upset, while I nursed my wounds and quietly said not much of anything. 

I did my very best to self talk. “He never speaks to you like this. You shouldn't have said that and hurt him. Just be quiet and don't let this fester. Let this go and don't let it ruin your day.” 

And I managed to mostly calm my hurt. But when we got home, Jason gave me “the look,” and the very first thing he said was, “I want you upstairs, now.” 

I obeyed, truly wanting this argument to end and be behind us. And even if I didn't, I know better than to push when he instructs me like that. 

The very first thing he did when he brought me upstairs was point to the floor. I dropped to my knees in front of him. This is how we do things. He instructs, I kneel, and we're both immediately in our places. 

“I'm sorry,” he said. That was all I needed. He knew he'd snapped at me. And it was so easy to forgive him. 

“It's okay," I said. "I know why you said what you did. And I'm sorry, too,” I responded. We talked it out.

“You know you're not allowed to swear and speak disrespectfully to me,” he said. I nodded. He patted his lap. I stood, and he swiftly bared me and positioned me over his knee. I closed my eyes and crossed my legs and took the spanking I knew I deserved. And moments later, it was behind us. He hugged me, I held on tight, and we moved on with our day. We didn't say another word about it. There were no more hurt feelings. There was no more anger. I felt put back in my submissive place, and when I'm there, I feel at peace, and ready to follow his lead. 

It's tricky when there's one person in authority over another. It's tricky knowing how to proceed. Here, Jason expects me to be respectful and obedient no matter what the circumstances. And he also is humble enough to admit fault when the situation warrants it. But allowing me to be disrespectful or rude when we have a disagreement simply doesn't fly. 

Do we still argue? We do. It's not often, but things still happen that cause occasional stress. However, DD has given us the tools to make those moments rare -- the tools to keep communication open and frequent, and when things go awry, a quick solution that gets us back to harmony in the relationship. 


  1. Great post. We in no way lead a lifestyle similar to yours but I will say that there are pretty much zero arguments here. I think we have been married so long and our respect for each other has always been there.I honestly don't think we can find much to argue about, I might just be a little bit cheeky now and again as he likes an excuse to spank but on the whole it is fairly serene around here. I love to read of your relationship, wonder if we would have been able to go in this direction if we had started it all as young marrieds...
    love Jan,xx

    1. Hi, Jan. Thank you for your comment.

      That's fanstastic that there are no arguments in your home. Eventually, I think we'll reach that point. We're already able to usually settle things before we get into an argument, but still, they happen! And I think they like us to be cheeky now and then! ;)

      I'm glad you enjoy reading here. I, too, wonder what things would've been like if we began dd as newlyweds. But we did have d/s roles since before we were married, and I think that helped things progress.

      In any event, I always enjoy hearing about couples who've been devote to one another for so long. It's inspiring! And to know you have a serene home is also lovely to hear.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Beautiful post J Girl! We are so blessed to have such great leaders in our husbands!:)

  3. Hi there Jgirl,
    I needed to read this today. Thank you for the encouraging post, it makes me feel that I am not alone. It was lovely to read how you resolve conflict.

    1. Hi, Joli, I'm so glad you found the post encouraging. Walking the submissive road is not an easy one, my friend, but you are doing so well. Keep up the good work.

  4. Thanks for posting, even at this busy time of year. to grow quiet and ask time to process is a really submissive reaction. I'm sure it took time to get to that skill. It's great that he apologized for his way of approaching it.
    The next argument seems pretty realistic to most couples. Not being D/s, it's hard to imagine you getting punished when you were both snapping at each other. Since you consent to his authority, it's great that he apologized for his part in it. I can see where the punishment would help restrain use of swearing, not sure I'd be so gracious, but sometimes I wish we had more consequences here because I hate myself when I yell and lose control. so happy that your dynamic works so well for you both.

    1. Hi, Kate. I drafted the post a few weeks ago, so I could keep up posting! Hoping to keep up with blogging once/week as the new year unfolds.

      It definitely took time to reach the point where I can calmly ask for some space instead of snapping. It helps that Jason's expectations for my respect are so high. But still, it did take a lot of practice. I like how I feel when I'm able to keep myself calm instead of reacting angrily.

      It is hard to understand why I would get punished in this situation, and why I wanted to explain. In my opinion, being "fair" in d/s means that he is reasonable and humble enough to ask for forgiveness, but still consistent to discipline me when I lose my place. We both still need that. But, it's a highly individual dynamic as well.

  5. Switch the genders and you have aptly described the relationship I have with my beautiful wife! Thank you so much for the post!

    1. Hello, Subhub. I think there are many similarities within d/s dynamics. I'm glad you could relate!

  6. Hi JGirl~

    Thanks for posting this. This is how many disagreements end and resolve completely for us too, and hearing it works for another couple makes me feel even more solid that it is effective and not just completely cra-cra 😋

    Like you described, when a rare argument happens here, and I show any measure of disrespect, even if overall I was provoked or misunderstood, and I, in fact, had very valid points, I am still held accountable for the disrespect. Also, always after we've talked it through and my husband always admits and apologizes for his part. This only makes me respect him even more.

    At first (and, honestly, even now sometimes!), it was more confusing to me to have to be punished when he was also at fault. It was even hard for him to mete out a punishment in such cases, but we've both progressed along the hard learning curve of DD, enough to know what is truly effective for us. A punishment to restore our roles after a disagreement is not really pleasant for either of us, but it completes the resolution, ensures clear expectations, and brings back that electric connection we've both come to expect in our relationship and intimacy.

    Again, thanks for sharing such a validating post!

    1. I agree with you, that it makes me respect him more. The consistency even when it would be easy not to be consistent, is a good reinforcement of his dedication to keeping me submissive, and himself in his role as my leader.

      Sometimes it's hard for me, too, but I find that I'm proud of myself when I can reach down and choose submission. It takes strength, and when I submit to his lead, I find I'm much more at peace.

      I completely agree that a spanking after an argument solves a variety of problems! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and it helped you feel less cra-cra. ;) If you're crazy, that makes two of us!

  7. We've never argued much to begin with, partly because we're pretty good communicators, and partly because we're so well matched that there are few issues to begin with. And those times when we do, things are usually resolved within a day anyway. But I still prefer the way we do things now - similar to you. We both still get it wrong at times - it’s called being human. But because the new ways short-circuits the fighting and being right dynamic, things don’t escalate at all anymore.
    The new normal is that I don’t automatically bite back when Xander snaps at me (which mostly just happens when he’s “hangry” anyway), and he often apologises right away when it does happen. I forgive him, we move on. And when I’ve picked the wrong tone, I get aware of that pretty quick and apologise to him, and because he knows I’ll be over his lap, he doesn’t need to hold a grudge about it either and can let go. Because of the kids, my comeuppance tends to happen only in the evening when they’re asleep and not so much right away. But in both our minds it’s not so much punishment as setting things to right again and getting back to the best of us - him in the lead, me following, and everything is "of the very nice”. And as we’re now both more aware of the impact our words have on each other, we tend to tread more softly to begin with.

    1. Hey there, Willow.
      I don't think Jason and I argued much to begin with either, but certainly a lot less now that we're doing TTWD. We definitely had our moments before. Heck, we have them now, but they are so much more fleeting!

      I love that you've found that you both are more aware of the impact of your words now, and that you are treating each other more gently all around. I would say the same is the case for me and Jason. I'm more aware of my tone, and less apt to become touchy or sensitive about something, and I also feel that when I'm angry or hurt, he listens better now. It's amazing how much more peaceful things are with TTWD.

      THanks for stopping by, and your thoghtful reply. :)

  8. HI J Girl, like Jan, an English Rose, we don't argue either. We have been married for well over 30 years and I can't remember ever arguing with my Bear. We both respect each other and apart from me cheekily prodding him things run smoothly in our house.
    Lovely to hear how everything is put right again in your house.
    Hugs Lindy

    1. Hi, Lindy. That's lovely that you don't argue with your Bear. It's so sad to see couples pushed apart by arguing and dissension, and lovely to see a couple that gets along with one another peacefully.

      Thank you for stopping by, and for your comment!


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