Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Day to Day

Hello, readers! School begins next week, so things are getting busy here. I know many of you can relate! 

Recently, I've had a few blog readers write to me with questions. Because the questions were asked multiple times by a few readers, I thought it might be good to elaborate a bit in a blog post, as other readers may be interested as well. 

One reader said she couldn't really imagine how our “day to day” looks, with small children in our home. I've mentioned in several posts that we are raising a family, and several readers have asked how this works. How is it possible to maintain a fairly intense level of d/s in the home, with all the commitments we have? I thought I had written about this, and didn't want to get into a narcissistic post, but when I asked around a bit, it seems I really haven't written much about this. Others were indeed curious. And the nature of blogging means that new readers come in and out frequently.

So, I'm going to take a little bit of time to explain how things work for us. As I've said before, how it works for one couple won't necessarily work for another. But maybe there are some approaches that do help, as others find their own way? 

Saturday night, Jason and I went out on a date, just the two of us. When we were there, I mentioned something about our dynamic, though I can't really remember now how the conversation started. He smiled, and shrugged. “It's funny,” he said. “In the beginning, it's all kind of novel.” He made a swinging motion with his hand (spank, spank, spank!), while I blushed furiously and hoped no one noticed. “But after a while, it just becomes the norm. Routine. This is what we do. This is who we are.” 

And really, that sums it up quite nicely. 

I know when I started out, I wanted to read everything. It was always on my mind. I was so consumed by the thought of a DD dynamic, and had no idea this was really how anyone ever did things. I was so drawn to it! And certainly as we incorporated more and more into our dynamic, things became even more consuming, as we had to figure things out. But now, that really doesn't happen. Now, it's about us maintaining the dynamic we've set in place. 

So how do we do it? 

First, I should explain that we do have a fairly large family, ranging in age from toddler to pre-teen. For privacy reasons, I try not to blog too many details (such as our location, the number and ages of our children, etc), but I'm just trying to paint a picture here. We have enough older children, who are responsible and not little tykes anymore, that having daily moments of privacy is completely reasonable and manageable. It's different if you have a toddler or baby, or little one's that need constant supervision. We're not in that position. Our children do not need constant supervision, as some of the older ones are old enough to stay home alone and help watch their younger siblings. This makes a difference. 

Every single morning, before Jason leaves for work, we have our morning check-in with each other. We do this privately. The kids are downstairs, have had breakfast, and are at the other end of the house. They are safe, because as I've explained, we have older, responsible children and all our children have been taught to give mom and dad a few minutes in the morning together, uninterrupted (barring anything very important, of course), as we plan our day. We've been doing this for a very long time now. They know this is how we do things. But we don't take a long time doing this, either. It takes a few minutes, sometimes a bit longer, but rarely more than five minutes. This is when he goes over my rules. I kneel, he asks me to tell him what he expects of me that day, and he goes over my daily to-do list. He rearranges things, eliminates or adds things if necessary, and I have my daily plan. Then, I go over his knee. We have a variety of implements that are quiet, and have done the “sound” test, so we know any spanking cannot be heard downstairs. Fortunately, we have an older, but solidly-built house, and our room is nearly soundproof. 

He does occasionally smack my bottom in a teasing way, so if our kids ever hear anything, they can chalk it up to dad teasing mom. This has happened. We are confident our kids do not know the details of our dynamic, as we maintain a high level of discretion, at least with the spanking element. 

So we have our morning check-in. I'm set on the right track and so is he, as he likes knowing he's leaving me in a good place before he leaves. 

As the day goes on, I follow my plan. I have it listed in order of priority, tasks I have here at home, things I need to get to, and things I'd like to get to. This is pretty normal stuff, like everyone else likely has. I'm a “type A” kinda gal with a good deal of goals I'm trying to accomplish, so I'm pretty regimented about this myself. I have a whole “monthly goal” list broken down into weekly, then daily, that I tackle day by day. 

Whenever I'm feeling emotional, upset, stressed, etc., it's an expectation here that I'm to go immediately to Jason. However, he's got an intense job and isn't always available. So he expects me to send a text when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not allowed to get to the place where I “lose it.” Not allowed to spiral out of control, lose my temper, hide my feelings or emotions, or anything of the sort. So that's why we have this in place. Now, he can't always respond immediately, but just having that outlet for me to go to when I need to, helps me. And when he can, he responds. 

He does expect me to check in throughout the day, when I can. Some days are very full, and I check in rarely. I love being able to send him positive messages, though, to let him know things are going well, that I'm managing my list, we're having a good day. And some days when things are more challenging, I find the act of messaging him alone often helps me process. And this helps him, too, as he can help me before I spiral out, but he also sees patterns and can help me. Things like, “When you start your day off doing X, I find that you seem to have a hard time getting to Y.” And we can both, together, come up with a better strategy. 

It helps to get even those very very brief messages from him. “You're such a good girl.” “That's my girl. I'm proud of you.” “I miss you.” “I can't wait to see you tonight.” He messages me very short things like that regularly, and I just love it. 

So during the day, that's about the extent of our communication with one another. But it is regular. I'm constantly thinking of what he expects of me, because we've gone over his expectations before he left for work. I know if there are things he really really wants me to do, and I don't get too derailed, because it's not allowed. He's reasonable, of course...if something comes up that's unavoidable, then I need to make the best judgment call I can. But mostly, he expects me to stick to the plan we have at the beginning of the day, and if I don't, he expects a good explanation. 

When he comes home, just like the morning, the kids are expected to give us a brief time together to go over our day. Again, it's just a few minutes, but they do give us privacy. Before anything else gets done. Before we eat dinner. He and I go alone to our room, shut and lock the door, and we go over our day. He checks in with me. Was I able to stay on plan? If not, why not? Did anything come up that he needs to know about? How am I feeling? Is something bothering me? I tell him anything I need to. And he always asks me if there's anything he needs to know...did I break any rules? 

Punishment is mostly very rare. But occasionally, I do have to tell him... I swore. I was late for an appointment and I was speeding. I lost my temper with so-and-so. It happens. If it's a fairly minor infraction, he'll usually have me go over his lap right then, and spank me. If it's more serious, which is even rarer, he'll usually have me wait until the kids are in bed for the night. If I'm getting close to the edge on something, he may issue a stern warning.

Sometimes, I tell him I'm tired, or overwhelmed, or grumpy. He'll tell me he wants me in bed early, or when the kids go to bed, he thinks a good, centering spanking is in order. He'll often ask me how I want to spend my evening, and he'll tell me if there's anything he wants to do, too. Evenings are our down-time, and after our kids go to bed, we usually spend some time together, or doing our own things (like reading). 

What about obeying him in front of our kids, and family? Everyone knows I obey Jason, but out of respect for me, he's discreet in how he handles things. He does not make any bones about calling the shots, but most of the time it's a fairly nonchalant way about things. "No, I don't think we should make that committment. Let's plan a different time instead," he might say, and I'll nod and agree. Or he might say, "Don't forget sunblock when you all go to the beach tomorrow," and sometimes he's quite stern about things. But this is how he is. He leads with kindness, but he is in charge. It's just how he is, and everyone, from our friends, to our kids, to our own parents, know that it works for us. 

Just the other day, I was going for a run, and Jason insisted I go to the gym instead of the small park near my house with a track (where I wanted to go). I was a bit miffed. I wanted to run outside and I told him. I got "the look" and "I said no. It's dangerous and I don't want you there alone." I knew then that the conversation was over. This was in front of our whole family, and they know, this is just how we do things, but it's not unusual for me to tell a friend, "My overprotective husband said I'm not allowed." They laugh, as they know I love my overprotective husband, and he's only overprotective because he loves me. No one ever, ever questions my obedience to him. 

If I push...I'm only human, and occasionally hormonal tendencies make me a bit, er, unreasonable...he will give me a warning, but he's discreet. There's a hand squeeze signal, or he'll say something like, "Do we need to discuss this privately?" I know what he expects. There have even been times when he's stopped me in my tracks with a very discreet number. "That's ten." My stomach plummets and I behave myself as I know exactly what "ten" he means, ten right over his lap. 

We also have a code word, though. If I'm getting overwhelmed or angry or something similar, we thought a few years back it would be helpful to have a code word so I could communicate discreetly with him. However, we never came up with a word, so I literally just say...code word! Ha! Then he knows I need him.

Our children take up a good deal of our time, and that's the way things should be. I love raising a family with Jason. He's such a fantastic father. Our kids just adore him. And he helps me to grow into being the mother I want to be. Every parent knows how it goes...you can have a romantic evening planned, and a little knock on the door means you may have to make room in your bed for a little one who had a nightmare. D/S couples are no exception. We frequently have to put down what we have in mind to tend to the needs of our family. This is why we check in with each other at least twice a day, but it's also why our check-in's are so brief, (though, when things heat up, as they are wont to do, it  a can take a little longer! )

In short, we're really just an average couple, who has a pervasive dynamic that's discreet. I wear a collar that looks just like a necklace. I obey him, and he has the right to discipline me, yes, but it all just dovetails with our normal day-to-day. Our dynamic is, indeed, foundational, but, as Jason said, “This is what we do. This is who we are.” Because D/S works for us, and is at center of our relationship, it keeps things going. We have intimacy, and peace. We are able to manage challenges that come up. Our dynamic doesn't preclude all the other things we're called to do. Instead, it helps us fulfill all we're called to do, as we are a team, helping each other grow, as our own relationship flourishes. 

I will forever be grateful we found this when we did.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

"Defy Not the Heart" by Johanna Lindsey (book review)

Good morning! 

In a recent post, I mentioned a book I read that I love. 

Ok, let's put it this way. I read a good deal. This book has made it to my all-time top ten. 

Before I begin my book review, I should explain what I personally like and dislike in a book. It's kind of important, because although I truly, truly loved this book, I find many of the readers I know are looking for something different in a book, so what I like may not appeal to you and I don't want to mislead.

I don't enjoy graphic sex. Now, because the romance and erotica genre are so heavily entwined, it's hard to find a good romance without graphic sex. So I do read these books, but tend to skim if graphic sex comes up. I like the build-up, suspense, range of emotions, and emotional ties to sexual elements in novels. I do not like lengthy, frequent, detailed descriptions of every blessed thing they do behind closed doors. I'm kind of a “fade to gray” kind of girl. Everything else just makes me squirm. Interestingly, that's kind of how I feel about spanking (in real life and in fiction, ha! I think I enjoy the build-up more than the actual action). 

So when I read, I'm looking for a good story. I don't like it to be all about sex and spanking. Books like that leave me feeling dissatisfied. I mean no disrespect to those who write and read the d/s genre (I write and read the genre myself!), but personally, I was much more drawn to spanking fiction when I didn't have much spanking in my personal life. Now that I do, I'm not as drawn to it, and went for several years intentionally avoiding books with any kind of spanking in it. Now I'm starting to explore the genre a bit more, though most of the fiction I read is not in the d/s sub-genre.

I like strong, relatable, well-rounded characters. When books are all about sex, or all about spanking, and there's no real relationship involved, I simply don't enjoy it. I'm in it for the entertainment factor. I want something I can relate to. And I appreciate well-written novels. 

Defy Not the Heart, by Johanna Lindsay, fits the bill. It was a surprisingly excellent read. I don't recall ever reading medieval romance before, but it was thoroughly enjoyable. The book has been around for a good long while, as have most of Johanna Linday's many novels, so I'm a bit behind the eight-ball here. But I fully intend on delving into her other fictional works. I read a review that said “I don't understand why she feels the need to have most of her heroines spanked,” and I thought, “well then, sign me up.”

There aren't many books that I find make me laugh out loud, pull my heartstrings, are hot but not graphic, and get a good spanking in. This book did all of the above. 

The book takes place in the medieval time period. Reina's father has died, leaving her with a sketchy hint of a betrothal to protect her, yet she isn't actually betrothed to anyone. She's a glorious spit-fire. Strong-willed but not silly or foolish, in charge, but only because she has to be, passionate, witty, and I absolutely loved her. She has her entire kingdom to manage, yet given the legal ramifications, she must wed. 

Our hero, Ranulf, is hired by a man posing as her betrothed. Ranulf has been hired to kidnap her and bring her to her supposed betrothed. But when Reina discovers this plot, she uses her wit and manages to convince Ranulf to marry her instead. And therein begins the adventure. 

They don't exactly hate each other, but they certainly don't love each other. They're complete strangers, really. I love novels where I say to myself, “I can't possibly imagine these two falling in love” and yet they do. As the novel unfolds, and the two are thrust into a utilitarian union, both ignorant to all that marriage entails, a truly beautiful story is born. They learn who the other is. They learn to compromise. They find passion, and companionship. And yes...she ends up over his knee. Ahem. 

When they make their marital contract, Reina makes Ranulf promise he will not beat her. Given the time frame, husbands were well within their rights to beat their wives if they saw fit. In fact, when the marital arrangements are proposed, the friar marrying them and the men witnessing the union, gasp in shock that she dare to be so bold as to insist Ranulf not beat her. He's fairly angry himself. This can be shocking to a modern reader, but it's the way things were in this time period. However, the first inkling that Ranulf is a spanker comes at the end, when they've forged their contract. 

“We are agreed now and can finish this business, but do you understand one thing more, little general. You may have protected yourself from ever feeling my fist, but do you ever deserve it, your backside will become acquainted with the palm of my hand. You will not feel free to provoke me at your will.” 

She isn't happy, but abides by this compromise, as she really has no choice. He expects her obedience, and she will give him that obedience, because she knows it's her duty as his wife. It's what's expected. 

And I think that's perhaps what I really loved about this book. She didn't compromise on who she was. She was still strong-willed, but not foolish. She respected him as the rightful authority over her home, her lands, and herself. She deferred to him, but he assumed his position in authority with grace. He was a stern, uncompromising authority figure – she doesn't see him laugh or even smile for quite some time – but he takes his place of authority, because that's who he is. A protector. Fearless. He's a knight. 

She doesn't constantly defy him. In fact, it's quite the opposite, and I enjoyed how she learns who he is, and how she will find her place with him. She learns to respect him, and he earns her respect. He learns she has needs of her own, and he meets those needs. Truly, it's a story of compromise and love, the foundation of any good marriage. 

There isn't a lot of spanking, but there's a good deal of build-up to the one spanking, and the scene is incredibly well done. Of all the many, many spanking scenes I've come across, I have to say this is the best one I've ever read. 

She's defied him. She didn't intend to initially, but then makes the decision, deciding it's in his best interest that she go against his wishes, and welcome his father into their home. Ranulf is infuriated at her outright disobedience, and finally tells her what she's in for. 

“What I am is far beyond my quota of patience, lady,” he growled in reply, “You have just earned yourself a chastisement long overdue.” ….She expected to be dragged back to their chamber for her punishment this instant, or to be pulled across his lap right there on the stairs. She certainly could not blame him...

But they have company, and her punishment must wait. The build up is so well done. When they have a pause after breakfast, he takes her by the arm and brings her upstairs, and I did love this scene. He sits on the edge of the bed, and commands her to come and lie down and lift her skirts. She is embarrassed, and says, 

“You mean to humiliate me as well?” He responds, “Humiliation is the foundation of this lesson. You will forget the discomfort right quickly, but the humiliation you will long remember.” 

How true!

However, they are interrupted, and he promises her he's decided he will make her wait for her punishment until the evening. As the day progresses, she thinks he's forgotten. She thinks she's gotten away with it. But we find out later that is far from true. 

When he finally brings her to the room at the end of the day, and he is preparing to punish her, she knows she has no real choice. She knows she's earned the punishment, as it's not permissable to be the lady of the castle wed to the lord, and defy him. She struggles, though, and this is why I love the scene. She does not want to be punished. She's embarrassed, and a bit afraid. He's strong, and much larger than she is, and she's never been punished like this before. But she knows resistance is futile. So she overcomes the quaking in her stomach and raw nerves, and makes herself submit. She stands in front of him. 

“A wise decision,” he said as he sat down again and drew her onto his lap...That he was not being rough with her, or sharp in his tone, only seemed to make it worse. His voice was husky, his hands gentle as he turned her over so that she rested across his thighs. Reina dropped her head down to hide her face, and placed one hand against the bed, the other on his left knee. Did she feel the need to push herself out of this horrible position, she would have the leverage. Or so she thought. His left hand, coming to rest in the center of her back in a subtle pressure, seemed to say otherwise. 

But then it's not just a thorough chastisement. He makes it into a very real, but very erotic experience. 

Alarm bells of a different sort went off in her head when he began to raise her robe. He did it by setting his hand on the back of her calf and slowly gliding that hand up her leg, the robe perforce coming with it. 'Twas a caress, plain and simple, and gave her the strangest sensations. Her body no longer knew what to anticipate, pain or pleasure. Her mind was reeling with the same confusion. Was this a punishment? 

But it is real, very real, and although he takes means to arouse her, when it comes down to it, he is thoroughly displeased with her behavior, and makes this very clear. He takes her by surprise, and although the spanking is short, it is effective, intended to be punitive.

“Reina was set on her feet, which were not at all steady. A glance at her husband showed how furious he had become, to which her bottom could well attest. His next words only confirmed it.

“Do not ever make me do that again, lady,” he growled low. She shook her head, but she was not sure whether she was saying she would or not. Not that it mattered to her then. Her backside was on fire, but it blazed not half as much as that other fire he had created. Without another thought, Reina crawled back onto his lap.

“I am duly chastised, my lord. Now finish what else you started.” 
He did not have to be asked twice. 

What a wonderfully written scene. It's climactic, in a sense, because he confirms his authority over her, and the love-making is also a turning point in their relationship. We find now it's not just about curiosity, or to fulfill base needs, but because they truly have fallen in love with one another, as she assumes her position as his strong counterpart and he assumes his as lord of the castle.

I loved everything about this book. The story, the intimacy, the way they fall in love. His authority, and how we see he has a tender side he is slow to reveal, but he's fiercely loyal and fearless. I love the knights, and castles, the dresses and language. There are parts I laughed out loud, especially when they finally declare their love for one another, screamed across the courtyard in the midst of an argument. 

If you want a lengthy story, with real characters, a story you can sink your teeth into, with a bit of well-written otk, I'd urge you to pick up this book. I checked it out on the Overdrive app from my library, but loved it so much, I bought it, as this is one of the few I will read again and again. 

You've also gotta love the original cover. Bestill my heart! 




Sunday, August 9, 2015

The Good, The Bad, and the Funny

I have a problem as a blogger. You see, I like to write, and I also like to analyze things,  so I have these thoughts and ideas running through my head, and when I sit down to write, I practically write a d/s thesis. You may have noticed I've lately taken to very long-winded posts. Ha! This could be why I don't blog as often as I'd like! So, I think I'd like to experiment with shorter posts! 

Here goes. 


It's come to my attention lately that some readers have a view of Jason as being extremely serious and stern. My bad as a writer. In focusing on the whole D/S thing, I do emphasize that aspect maybe a bit too much. But I think if you met him, this would strike you as funny, because he is anything but extremely serious and stern.

Oh, he can be very stern. And I do love stern. In fact, I've been thinking a good deal lately on the appeal of authority, and why Jason's authority over me is so attractive (but no, no, that's a deep and involved topic that will take a lot of time and words! Not today! Look for that exploration in the next few weeks, ha!)

We do have morning check-in's, every single day. And yes, there are days when I'm feeling bratty, or overwhelmed, or I've got so very much on my plate, he takes my chin in hand, gives me that piercing look, and tells me "I expect you to obey me today and that's not a suggestion." There are times he pulls me down firmly over his lap and reminds me with a sound spanking what he expects of me. Just yesterday, he fisted his hand in the nape of my neck, pulled my head back, and whispered in my ear, "What did I tell you about that?" Pheeewww, stern hotness! 

But no no no no! There I go again! 

I promise, there's lot of room for goofiness, joking, and silliness! I've so neglected that exploration in my serious corner of blogland. 

There are some days when he is not stern. 

Just the other day, I was giving him a curious look, as he had that "come hither so I may spank you" gleam in his eye, and he pulled me over his lap with a "Don't worry, baby! I'm not going to spank you....yet! Dom, dom DOM!" with the wonky little inflection my kids use to indicate impending doom. Enter mammoth swat!

Then I dared show him a picture someone posted with a perfect shape of a red hand mark on a lily white bottom. I showed this to him because it struck me as funny (the girl had a feigned shock expression, covering her mouth with her hand with wide eyes, clearly quite enjoying herself). This was a mistake! Little did I know, Jason would take it as his personal mission to form his own perfect shape of a red hand mark on my bottom, and every single check in this week has gone like this. 

Me, over his knee. He pauses. He centers himself. He aims. He fires! 

"Ooooowwwww!" I say as I just about leap out of my skin from the impact of his bare hand on my own backside. He is completely unfazed, wholly fixed on admiring his handiwork, and seeing if he's yet achieved the perfect handprint. 

"Hmmm," he murmurs, "not exactly perfect yet." 

Swat!

"Owwwwwww!" 

"Ah, that's better," in the subdued tone of an appraiser. "Perfect handmark." He gloats, while I feign being affronted and rub the sting out of my bottom (though I'm not in the least inclined to stop offering my bottom as his canvas).

There are some days these....ahem...cheeks of mine... (what do they call them in the books? Round globes? Half moons? Derriere? Oh, the amusing phrasing of one's arse in the literary realm amuse me to no end) are pinched mercifully and he decides he's going to do something extremely mortifying like play drums  on my rear. Readers, beware of the dangers of submitting to a musical dom. 

The title of this post says "the bad." Don't say I didn't warn you! 

If you submit to a Dom with a sense of humor, he just might do something like make your butt cheeks talk to each other, for comic relief. He may even name them, or have them argue with one another. Lawdy.

He might think it outrageously funny as a date night tradition to corner you in your driveway and pinch your bottom mercilessly, and please, beware if he's had a drink or two and is feeling emboldened, and you just happen to be wearing a skimpy dress with a thong underneath, and you decide this time as soon as you exit your car you're going to run as fast as you can to your front door, knowing full well what's he planning, that you will have to fumble with your keys, and he he might think it vastly amusing to chase you down, lift your skirt, and give you a full-on bare bottomed spanking for all the world to see. Ahem. 

(courtesy: imagebam.com)

Jason!


And if you watch Outlander together, he may find it funny to lecture in the accent of a stern Scottish Highlander. "Over mah knee, lass, fer a reminder that yer ta obey the master of this house er else!" he may say, continuing to lecture in a variety of accents as your poor bottom submits to his vigorous hands. But, if you've watched Outlander together...you may find this hot. Incorrigible!

If he's been reading "Dr. Suess" to your children, he may decide to write his own little diddy, "I Will Not Spank You, Dom I am, I Do Not Like to Spank you, Ma'am! I will not spank you here, or there, I will not spank you anywhere!" 

But if he's nice, he may apologize for scaring you by saying he won't spank you, and he'll spank you thoroughly anyway.

Be prepared by having your own tools at the ready. I have had some minor success in kneeling before him, wrapping my arms around his waist while pretending to hug him, and surreptitiously grabbing the implement he's left on the bed and very quickly tossing it to the other end of the bed so he's grasping at air when he goes to fetch it. This doesn't actually work in not getting you spanked, but it does give you a bit of a delay. 

The other day, I told Jason I had just finished a delectably entertaining historical romance which took place in the medieval time period, and despite the fact that it was hot (and it truly had the best spanking scene I have ever read -- "Defy Not the Heart" by Johanna Lindsay, review to come this week!) one thing I liked best about it was the old-fashinoned insults. Lackwit! Ha! I now have these delightful little phrases at the ready, and when he began teasing me, I promptly announced he was a dog-hearted clodpate, as I tackled him on our bed. 

Tackling him is really quite fun sport. It burns calories, and usually gets me spanked. Win, win, in my book. 

He announced the next day, when I confessed to slipping up with a few mild swear words, that going forward I would get one firm swat for every letter of a swear word I utter. 

"Good thing most of them are four letters," I muttered, my bottom still burning from his having spelled D-A-M-N  on my round globes, puncuated by stinging swats.

He raised an eyebrow, with the following dire threat. "Maybe going forward, you'll reconsider your choice to call me a dog-hearted clodpate." 

I nodded, while feigning being thoroughly chastened. 

You see, dog-hearted clodpate isn't really a swear. But let's not tell Jason that, shall we? In fact, I'm open to suggestions of long-winded, old-fashioned cursing and insults. It's part of the fun, you see. ;)

(courtesy of societypages.org)

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Cultivating Submission post four: Building the Bedrock of Trust

Hello, readers! So, I said there would be four weeks of challenges in July. It's the weekend, so maybe technically I squeaked in? Doesn't Monday count as the "official" start to August? Lol! Couldn't get out of my own way to get this posted this week, but I do hope you enjoy this last and final installment in the Cultivating Submission series. Other posts in this series focus on embracing humility, bedroom submission, and building him up with the spoken word. 

Today, the focus is on building trust. 

Before continuing, if you haven't already, I strongly urge you to read this post, a cautionary post urging you to think long and hard before you consent to a d/s lifestyle to begin with.

There really are no hard and fast rules as to how to “do” any of this, really. Different dynamics are going to ebb and flow based on so, so many variables. What I've tried to do here is take a look at the relationships I know, share from my own experience, and come up with some basic, accessible ways just about anyone who wants to embrace submission can cultivate his or her own role. 

As I've explained before, we're operating under the assumption here that either you've decided to accept the leadership and authority of someone who is worthy of your respect, and who can handle the important responsibility of guiding you, or, if you're seeking this dynamic, you will choose someone who is worthy of the role of Dominant. 

If you've read the other posts, you will see that really, all the posts focus on some version of cultivating trust, and they really do all build on one another. If you're embracing humility, it follows that you trust your Dominant Partner to administer criticism honestly. If you're giving yourself freely sexually, again, it follows that you trust that vulnerable area of your life to your Dominant. If you're seeking to build him up verbally ,the idea is that he is someone who can make good decisions, and lead you, and perhaps your family, well. 

One of the reasons many seek this dynamic is because they yearn for the intimacy and peace such a relationship affords. It's absolutely true, and I can attest to this. In a working D/S dynamic, the intimacy and peace is unparalleled. However, one of the most fundamental reasons this dynamic does create intimacy and peace is because trust is at the foundation. 

If we've already covered trusting your Dominant's decisions, accepting his criticism, humbling yourself when it comes to intimacy, and the many other things we've discussed as spin-offs of these main points, what else is there left to focus on, then? How else can one cultivate submission by focusing on a deeper level of trust? 

It's really very simple. But simple does not mean it's easy. It's simple to diet and exercise to lose weight. That is not always easy. My favorite personal trainer says this one line that has stuck with me, and it applies perfectly to what we're discussing here: “Don't be discouraged just because it's challenging. It's when you challenge yourself that you achieve what you never thought possible, and that's where real growth comes in.” 

With that in mind, let's look at some ways we can challenge ourselves this week to focus on building the level of trust in our relationships.

Trust your emotions.

I once began to draft a post I entitled “The Most Difficult Thing He's Ever Asked Me to Do.” I couldn't quite get the words to convey how I felt, though, and perhaps it fits better as part of the whole in this post here. 

What is the hardest thing he's ever asked me to do? In our dynamic, I'm not allowed to hide anything from Jason. He expects me to be scrupulously honest, even when I don't want to be – especially when I don't want to be. Now, on the surface, this seems pretty easy. Don't lie, right? But no, it goes much deeper than that. I'm not allowed to hide my emotions, or feelings. And he's serious about this. I have certainly been punished because I hid my emotions from him and it came to light later that I didn't tell him I was overwhelmed, or angry, or hurt, or sad. 

 It takes a great deal of time to learn to be transparent with one's emotions and feelings and some find it harder than others. One of the reasons I used to fail at this quiet often, is because I really wasn't sure what I was feeling or how to express that to him.

What to do if you don't know how you feel, or why? Talk to a friend. Journal. Sometimes just the process of writing down how you feel gets out what's hidden deep, the real reason, and helps us understand better why we feel the way we do. And once you know, challenge yourself to be transparent. Don't hide from him. 

He can't lead you properly if he's only getting a partial picture. 

Personally,  find this so difficult because I still often fight my inner censor that tells me things like, “You should be able to handle this on your own,” “you're making too big a deal of this,” or “he doesn't really want to hear every single little detail,” and it goes on and on and on. “Do I have to do this again?” “I'm so needy and I don't want to be needy.” I can talk myself right into oblivion! But because we have the rule in place, I'm not allowed to. So off I go to Jason. And despite my internal misgivings, he never dismisses my thoughts or feelings. 

Many Dominants, at least initially, may be overwhelmed. Taking on the authority and leadership of another is a truly mammoth task. This is why it's our jobs as submissives to build them up, encourage them, and thank them, because it's not as easy as it seems. And at least initially, it may seem  that your Dominant really does not want to know every little thing that's going on in your mind. What to do then? 

Try journalling. Maybe write him a letter, as sometimes we communicate better in the written word than verbally. But don't hide from him. At first, instead of pouring out anything and everything to him, bring to him the most important things you feel. When you speak to him, be as blunt as you possibly can. Jason loves to talk to me, and we do talk at length regularly, but when it comes to feelings and emotions, he wants the Cliff's Notes versions. 

The more he sees, the more he knows, the better he is able to lead.

Trust his decisions.

This one is easier said than done, and has come up in other recent posts. I find this particularly challenging with parenting, but it's important that in our dynamic (although I know this isn't the case across the board) I trust Jason to make good parenting decisions. In many ways, fathers are sterner than mothers, and Jason is no exception. He is a good, fair, and devoted father, but he can have very high expectations. I have to trust he's able to parent our kids, and together, we make a good team. But it's not always been easy at all. 

Trusting him with decisions also involves financial decisions. And please ask yourself, If you can't trust your dominant partner to make sound financial decisions, can you really trust him to be the one in authority? But perhaps it's something you're working on together. Maybe you're both learning to make more sound financial decisions. 

Trusting him to make decisions doesn't mean you have no opinion. Submissives are not synonymous with “doormat.” Do have a say, just state your opinions respectfully. Be honest with how you feel. But if you disagree with his decision, try to accept it. 

Does this mean he never makes a mistake? No, it doesn't. He will. Jason has. Dominants are human beings, not mini gods. But if we are to learn how to be submissive, it naturally follows that a Dominant needs to learn how to lead. Isn't part of the learning experience making mistakes? Learning how to embrace one's role as leader means that mistakes will be made, and when he does make a mistake, forgive, and move on. 

Trust your weaknesses to him. 

If part of what you desire from a D/S dynamic is for you to grow and mature, it's important that you're being honest about your shortcomings and character flaws. We all have areas we need to improve upon. Try not to hide your flaws from your Dominant partner. Just yesterday, Jason and I had an issue of honesty come up. I would never lie to him. But I did neglect to mention the truth to him, which, he pointed out calmly to me (before he spanked me good), was not being honest, and if I trust him to lead me, I must bring myself to him as I am, no reservations, warts and all. 

Maybe there are areas you'd like to improve upon? Consider telling him about these things. Maybe you hate that your kitchen is never really fully tidy. That you haven't been sticking to your diet. That certain situations anger you, and you find that you respond childishly. Tell him. It's important to do this for two reasons: first, because a good Dominant will help hold you to high standards, raise the bar, so you achieve your highest potential. But second, the flip side, because a good Dominant also makes sure you aren't unnecessarily critical with yourself and will often make sure you are not overwhelming yourself.

Doms frequently don't allow self-deprecating remarks or “the poor me's” to set in. A few months ago, I got some devastating news about a family member. I was so broken up about it, when Jason came home from work, I was a full-blown mess, and I blamed myself for not having been more proactive when given the chance. It was not my fault. I know that now. But in my state of emotional overload, my immediate reaction was to blame myself and really beat myself up. He listened, he held my hand, and he told me, “This isn't your fault.” I kept going on about it and he said, very calmly but very firmly, “I don't want to hear another word about you blaming yourself. I would really hate to have to punish you right now, but this is an issue of obedience, and I'm telling you right now, I will not hesitate if you say one more word.” I stopped. I've been trained to obey him immediately, and I do, and it was really only my commitment to obey him (and yes, fear of punishment), that caused me to stop. Then I was able to calm down. 

This is the give and take in a Dominant/Submissive Dynamic. This is why it's so very important that we bring our weaknesses and failings to light. It is only when they know what our weaknesses and failures are that they can help us. 

And finally, the last part of the challenge I offer for you today is so very simple. But again, sometimes, simple is best.

Simply say the words “I trust you.” 

When he gives you a rule, or makes a decision, or gives you his opinion... say those words. 

“I trust you.” 

And as you build your dynamic, and work on cultivating your own submission, embrace the vulnerability and transparency. As you grow closer and increase your intimacy, may you find that you've established, as we have, a relationship built on a foundation of trust unlike any other. 

Thank you for joining me in this challenge, readers. Next week, I plan on delving back a bit into our personal day-to-day and offering a bit of a glimpse into our dynamic. I appreciate the support this series has gotten, and I wish you continued success as you challenge yourself to cultivate your submission. 

Two quick notes: 
It's come to my attention there is another blog challenge going on at the same time! Not having read what the details of the other challenge is, I hope what I've offered here dovetails and doesn't detract or step on toes. 

Secondly, some of you have asked if you can repost things I've written. Please do, I just ask you give credit here. Thanks. :)