Sunday, January 24, 2016

Answers from Jason and Jason's Girl

Recently, Jason and I were asked if we would answer questions, so we opened up a post inviting you all to ask whatever questions you had. Below are our answers to the questions asked...untouched by me, except where I gave my own response. Please keep in mind these are only our opinions.

Thanks to those of you who emailed and commented here on the blog. The majority of the questions asked of me were sent via private e-mail, which I've responded to. If I haven't, then I didn't get your email and I'll ask you to please send it again. 

Jason has answered questions before, and you can find his answers HERE

The only question I was asked in addition to those posted here was when I knew I needed to be spanked. 

I knew I was erotically attracted to dominance and spankings for some years before I ever approached my husband with my desire. I thought it was odd that I wanted that from him, and couldn't bring myself to tell him for a long time. Years. Finally, when I was reading a review of "Fifty Shades of Gray" one day, a reviewer mentioned "real Dominants and Submissives." I didn't know what they were, so I looked it up online, and a whole new world was opened to me. It was about a week or two after this that I brought my desire to Jason. I was shy about it, so I suggested a "swap fantasies" game, and clearly the fantasy I shared with him was getting a real spanking. He was happy to comply, and the rest is history. Our full story is linked above in the "About Us" section.

When did Jason know? That night, when we played the "swap fantasy game." The "real" side to things came a bit later. 



In your first "My husband speaks" (Sept 2013), you wrote that one of the changes you'd noticed in yourself was that you were angrier than ever before, but you also expressed that you thought learning to control that masculine energy would take care of that. Did it? And if yes, how long did it take? What advice do you have for other men going through that phase?

Jason: It did. It's also something that I'm always working on. In terms of time, I don't really keep track of stuff like that (i.e., I don't have a journal that tells me how many days it took me to feel more comfortable in my more dominant role). Anger like all other emotions is a normal part of being human. Anger is nature's way of telling us that what we expect from someone/ourselves/reality and what we experience in return is out of alignment. It's a way for us to learn and grow. Each time I'm angry, I try to ask myself, “Am I angry because my expectations were unrealistic?” I find it helpful to probe these thoughts and many times discover that I'm at fault for failing to live up to my own expectations. I then have the opportunity to 'reset' them and move on with a better grasp of both myself and reality at large.

In terms of advice for other men, I don't offer anything more than what I wrote above. If this is a man asking the question, keep on keeping on. If this is a submissive asking, you'd be better off not looking for advice on his behalf. Jgirl did this repeatedly in our early going and it pissed me off to no end that she would not let me handle it on my own, and instead would run off to ask other Dominants how they do things and then try to feed me advice – it's a backhanded way of topping your guy... don't do it. If a guy wants advice, he'll ask.


In the LOL day conversation, you wrote that you hated giving JGirl punishment spankings. Has that changed in any way over the last few years?

Jason: NO. I still hate it, as should any psychologically healthy person who engages in this kind of behavior out of love for someone – with their free consent, of course.


We're in a way where you were a few years ago. My husband is stepping into his HoH role and getting more comfortable with it, and I'm getting a taste of his strength and leadership regularly, but "I NEED MORE". I'm sure we'll get there, in fact he's told me "give me time, and when I get there you'll get more dominance than you ever bargained for. " So my question is, do you have any advice for me to get through the meantime without aggravating him too much with "pushing" and without putting him off with my neediness? Or how I can lessen some of that tension myself? 

Jason: Yeah, it's really never a great idea to ask another Dominant for advice/help/support/mentoring etc. to 'get you through'. That said, if you love him, then put your needs aside and focus on his. He's telling you just that. He needs space to grow into the man you need. Trees don't grow in a day and neither do dominant males. You need to tend the tree right now, not express your displeasure that it's not providing you with all the fruit you want. He's right, it will come, just be patient. Take the focus off of yourself and put it on him.

I would like to know why even "good girls" will push a guy until he either spanks her or she loses respect for him.

Jason: Because they want to know that a man is strong. It makes them feel safe. Men aren't allowed to be outwardly dominant like they were in years past. Too many women raise a stink (at the office, school, etc.) when they are. Men are pragmatists at heart. We're always going to take the path of least resistance. If women being pissed about us being dominant means we have a harder time in life, we'll just stop – and we have. In the end, we know we can kick your ass and you know it, too. So who cares, we think. Problem is nowadays, most women want men to be sniveling betas in public but roaring alphas at home. Men hate this kind of stuff. We don't want to be two different people. We want to be one. So, the guys that 'spank' are those who either don't care about public opinion or are just fed up with games, and those that don't have chosen to just be beta all the time and avoid feeling torn between public and private personas.

How does Jason feel if he handled a situation and the same situation occurs the very next day? And how do you feel? Does he feel he has to make the punishment harsher, or just keep on punishing? Or does he feel that his effort is not bearing fruit? 

Jason: I don't make it harsher if it happens day after day. Most of the spankings occur as part of breaking bad habits. Habits take a long time to break. No need to make punishments harsher. Just be consistent and they will taper off over time.

J Girl: I feel awful if I have to go to him and tell him I've done something again, especially if I was recently punished. I hate being punished. Sometimes, he's asked me why it is that I've not done something and we try to figure out what will help me remember. I've set reminders on my phone, put up post-it notes, and done my very best to figure out why it is that I'm not following through on his expectations of me. 


We are an "older" couple. My husband is on board "in theory" and we have dabbled in DD however he is terrified of being abusive. He is not even NEAR that line, and in fact, if I so much as "ouch" he will stop. We have talked about this endlessly but it is a real fear for him - prob one of the reasons I love him! Curious to know how you've gotten around this issue and if Jason has any words for him. Thank you so much.

Jason: I didn't really have a problem with this. It was immediately evident how much J Girl wanted this from me. She said she wanted a spanking that really hurt, and I had no trouble giving her that. As to giving your husband advice, please see my responses above. 

J Girl: As Jason said, he knew that this was something I wanted and was clear from the beginning I wanted a "real" spanking. Yes, it hurts, and still does. But it was evident to both of us that it also worked. I would advise you to accept what you can without fidgeting -- cross your ankles and lie down on your arms on the bed, etc. If you want to surrender to a spanking, then do your best to take it. 

EDITED TO ADD: 


I find myself longing for my husband to take more control. The problem is he is not naturally a dominant personality, and for the majority of our relationship (~15 years) I have been the one more in charge (for several reasons, many of which have to do with our natural talents). Add to this all that I make considerably more money than him. We have discussed all of this, what I am looking for, and when we talk he seems into it, but he voiced concerns that when he take control I will grow to resent him and he doesn't want to hurt me, and he doesn't want to change his personality. The end result is that he hasn't quite embraced his role and while I try to take a more submissive approach in my interactions with him, there are some hard habits for me to break, especially since he isn't pushing me to break them. Any words of wisdom, or advice from Jason, on how to help my husband get over his hesitance and embrace the control I want to give him? 

Jason: "The end result is that he hasn't quite embraced his role...”


“...and embrace the control I want to give him”

Dominants give, submissives receive. You don't give him control if you are submissive, you give him yourself, full surrender. Dominants take control, they don't receive it. Your problem, and you note it above, is that you're the dominant, and he knows it.

Based on what you wrote, your husband seems like he is quite comfortable in his role – it's just not the role you want him to play. If he is to make any progress towards what you are seeking you MUST accept him as he is and love him unconditionally, no strings attached, no holding out hope he'll change some day. That's a hard pill to swallow but swallow it you must. If this is something he wants to do, he'll do it. The hardest part of this kind of dynamic is that the potential submissive has to surrender herself completely (yes, I said you are a 'potential' submissive; you're not really a submissive if you are seeking out help from another Dominant on his behalf – sorry to point that out to you but it's true) and await her dominant partner's actions.

Bottom line, he must make the choice on his own with no pushing or prodding from you – to do otherwise would be the exact opposite of an alpha behavior, but the beta behavior of a follower. He instinctualy grasps this, as all men do. When you surrender yourself and your expectations of him, he'll face a choice – assume control fully, or not. Either way, it's his choice and he'll have to live with it as will you. In fact, it's a choice you both will have to make every day for the rest of your lives if you want to do this.

If he decides to become more dominant, prepare yourself for a long road. If your guy is as passive as you indicate, it will take him some time to become more dominant and he'll make plenty of mistakes along the way and likely relapse from time to time. Likewise, you'll need time to learn how to avoid behavior that is 'alpha' at root and you'll screw up, too; probably more than him if you are currently the more dominant partner. In terms of your habits and what not, I'll tell you exactly what I've told other submissives before – stop focusing on yourself and your needs and focus on his.

In the comment section, the reader who asked this question followed up with the following comment. Questions are in bold with the response below: 

Thank you for sharing your insight. I was the one who has the more "beta" husband. You have given me quite a lot to think about. I did want to clarify however, that my intent was actually to ask J Girl what I could do to better serve my husband, so that it might be easier for him to take control. The "or words of wisdom from Jason" was meant more as an aside, if he had any perspective to add . I was not trying to ask for advice on my husband's behalf. I understand my surrender has to come first and from me, but I am struggling to surrender because he doesn't seem to have an opinion on things one way or the other so I don't know if I am fulfilling his needs. With no feedback it's easy to slip back into old habits. So really what I am looking for is advice on how to help keep myself on track with out his direct control. My apologies for not stating my question clearer and coming back with another one. Again, I appreciate Jason sharing his insight, and he has given me much to ponder. If JGirl has any additional thoughts or insights to share I would welcome them. Thank you both and all the best.

JGirl: These are excellent questions that I think most (if not all) submissives should ask themselves at one point or another. How can I better serve my husband? Without direct instruction from him, or – to rephrase a question many have asked – how can I honor him as leader when he doesn't wish to take the lead? How do I surrender more fully if he's not asking me to? How do I stay on track myself?

First, I'd urge you to read my “submission series” (linked in the page above on the home screen) if you haven't yet. It's a four-part series directly aimed at helping submissives focus on various areas in which we can cultivate our own submission (becoming more humble, submitting in the bedroom, building him up with the spoken word, building trust) on our own, without any additional expectation from our dominant partners. As Jason said and you repeat here, surrender does indeed have to come from us first, as it's very much a mindset and relinquishing of authority and control by putting the needs of our dominant partner's above our own.

It's important to spend some time asking yourself what are the needs your husband has that he hasn't directly communicated to you? 

When I was beginning to learn to submit to Jason, when we still had just very little children at home, I asked him, “What are the most important things you'd like to see done when you come home from work?” At the time, when we just had little kids, he didn't want to put too much of a burden on me and wouldn't have asked me to do additional chores, and certainly wouldn't have required of me all that he asks me to do now. His answer surprised me. “I like it when our bed is made and there's nothing on it when I come home.” With little ones, even though I was a fairly tidy person, I would do things like toss the baby wipes or a sweater on the bed. He liked to come home from work and see that our bed was tidied and made. So, I focused on having that done. Before Jason went to work in the morning, for years, I'd ask him “Is there anything you need me to do for you today?” (This was before our morning check-in's). Some other small ideas...When I go to the supermarket, I ask him if he needs me to get anything. I take note of his favorite foods and coffee and even though he doesn't ask me to, I try to make sure I have them on hand. I bring him coffee in the morning. When he tells me he likes what I'm wearing or how I have my hair, I make note of it. When he asks me to do something, I do that first before anything else, even very small things. Take close note of what your husband's preferences are, and do your best to honor those preferences. This doesn't mean you never have a choice or say in anything. It simply means that you put his needs above your own and this will train you to be prepared to submit.

Submissives often refer to submission as a “gift.” However, it is my personal opinion that if submission is not desired, instead of a gift it can be a burden. What I urge you to do is to honor his choice and avoid foisting leadership on him, and focus yourself instead primarily on lessening the burden of leadership. There are many, many ways you can still help him grow to be the leader in your relationship without burdening him. Some of these ways (which I explore in depth in the series linked above) would be focusing on honoring him in what you say and do; respecting his requests and opinions; seeking to please him in small ways; embracing bedroom submission; speaking respectfully and humbly; and encouraging him in the ways he does lead.

As far as him not having an opinion, it could be that his opinion in some areas is simply “do what you wish.” Jason prefers I handle certain areas. For example, I monitor all household spending, and even have a separate account we transfer money into so that I can buy things like groceries and gas for my car. He has nothing to do with this. And he positively hates being asked “what would you like for dinner tonight?” So instead I make a menu plan, and manage that on my own, taking note of things like what he likes to eat and how often he likes to eat those things. So I don't place those burdens on him; rather, I respect that he wants me to handle those on my own.

For slipping back into old habits, I would advise a few things. If your habits include things that are not acceptable behavior for a submissive (such as talking back to your husband or losing your temper with him), yet he will not discipline you for those things, when you do find you've done something like that, bring it to his attention with a humble apology. “I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. That was disrespectful.” This shows him that you are repentant, and it also shows him that this is an area you'd like to improve (whether he decides to help you in that area or not). If the habits include things like going to bed on time or getting to the gym, or something similar, I would probably start by asking him for the accountability. If he's not willing to do that for now, then I would advise you to seek accountability from a friend, set goals for yourself that you will seek to achieve, and take pride in achieving those goals. Personally, I set monthly goals and break them down into weekly segments and find that really helpful.

I hope this feedback is helpful and again, thank you for being gracious and patient.  




Thanks again, readers. There were a few additional questions asked of readers in the comment section. If you'd like to dialogue about the answers there, then I'd encourage you to participate in the discussion in the comments section, as that would most likely generate the most response. 

Thank you!

15 comments:

  1. Wow, very insightful. I did not understood my husband's point of view but I also never really tried. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you found the post helpful. Thank you.

      Delete
  2. Thank you Jgirl and Jason for your honest and insightful answers. I enjoyed reading it. Jason's answers reminded me of H (the way he responded to the questions, straight forward. Lol!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Joli! I feel the same whenever I read about your H! Lol

      Delete
  3. Thank you for sharing your insight. I was the one who has the more "beta" husband. You have given me quite a lot to think about. I did want to clarify however, that my intent was actually to ask J Girl what I could do to better serve my husband, so that it might be easier for him to take control. The "or words of wisdom from Jason" was meant more as an aside, if he had any perspective to add . I was not trying to ask for advice on my husband's behalf. I understand my surrender has to come first and from me, but I am struggling to surrender because he doesn't seem to have an opinion on things one way or the other so I don't know if I am fulfilling his needs. With no feedback it's easy to slip back into old habits. So really what I am looking for is advice on how to help keep myself on track with out his direct control. My apologies for not stating my question clearer and coming back with another one. Again, I appreciate Jason sharing his insight, and he has given me much to ponder. If JGirl has any additional thoughts or insights to share I would welcome them. Thank you both and all the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello! First, I'd like to thank you for being so gracious about the...hmm...rather blunt response! I'm sorry I didn't respond. I do understand your question better now. I also have some feedback I'd like to offer, and will have time in the next few days to respond, hopefully tomorrow. Thank you! JG

      Delete
    2. I have edited the original post and added my response to the end. :)

      Delete
    3. Thank you for taking the time to reply and update your post. This is exactly the sort of input I was in search of. I had read the submission series, multiple times actually, but what you have written here has helped it all click a little more.

      Delete
    4. I'm glad you found it helpful, and I'm happy to offer my perspective. If you would like to discuss this more privately or in more detail, please feel free to email me at jasonsgirl001@gmail.com . :)

      Delete
  4. It does seem like there are particular challenges to starting in DD if you are the submissive initiating the request. I know. It took us 10 years to get to a DD relationship after I made the request. It's hard for me to be submissive when I know exactly what I want. Reading blogs and websites are so important especially when you are trying to be honest about your needs that haven't yet been fulfilled but constantly sharing them with my husband did undermine his ability to seek out his own resources and discern his own participation and leadership in the relationship. You see, it's the law of attraction. As long as I held the belief that my husband was not dominant enough for me, that lack is what would show up in our interactions. When I started to act "as if" he were dominant and interpret what he did or say as dominant, my energy shifted and he started to exert more and see that I was sincere in my request. Clearly the shift didn't happen over night, but I would have more moments of things shifting that got me through the times it felt like there was no movement towards what I wanted. One of my big aha's was when I realized that because I had made the request for his leadership I was still driving the relationship. My husband expresses that he felt I was resistant all those years and he didn't want to invest the time an energy into some thing that he would just get push back on. So I understand why practicing listening to his leadership, his decision-making process, his definition of respect was important before I got the discipline I needed. I doing this I found something I did have true control over, which is myself. Rather than focusing on the "lack of dominance" that just made me feel more miserable, I was now focusing on the abundance of me and what I had to offer and in doing so I was filling myself up as I put the attention on areas I could try or change or improve. And soon I relished the self care I was giving myself and my feminine energy came through which was attractive to him.
    And I realized that his saying "no" to taking the reins was his first test of dominance. If I could swallow that pill, for it was the hardest, I would be able to accept his leadership down the road. And finally, for us what I didn't know he was looking for was my vulnerability as a way of giving myself completely. And I now understand why this is journey, not an arrival point at DD. I do know what I want and I have had a lot to learn in the process.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "So I understand why practicing listening to his leadership, his decision-making process, his definition of respect was important before I got the discipline I needed. I doing this I found something I did have true control over, which is myself. Rather than focusing on the "lack of dominance" that just made me feel more miserable, I was now focusing on the abundance of me and what I had to offer and in doing so I was filling myself up as I put the attention on areas I could try or change or improve."

      "And I realized that his saying "no" to taking the reins was his first test of dominance. If I could swallow that pill, for it was the hardest, I would be able to accept his leadership down the road. "

      Yes....THIS. Gosh, I could've written every single word. Jason did initiate in some ways, and was always a natural dominant, but there was quite a bit of struggle was we found our way with this. And those points you made were exactly what finally made it "click" for me, and when I began, as you say, swallowing the pill.

      Thank you for sharing your experience and your insight.

      Delete
  5. Just short and sweet: Thank you Jason and JGirl!

    ReplyDelete
  6. > The hardest part of this kind of dynamic is that the potential submissive has to surrender herself completely (yes, I said you are a 'potential' submissive; you're not really a submissive if you are seeking out help from another Dominant on his behalf – sorry to point that out to you but it's true) and await her dominant partner's actions.

    Well, that's easy for Jason to say: he is a natural Dom, the way you described it. He just needs consent and a little encouragement, and viola, he is on top of it doing his own research. I readily agree that he does not need his woman talking to other Doms.

    Some men just don't have a dominant bone in their body, and, after many years of marriage, the woman's choices are 1) vanilla life, or 2) divorce or 3) giving her man the right reading material etc. at the right time.

    And truth be told, submissive women have been shaping their dominant men from the beginning of time, just not obviously so. Not obviously enough for men to take notice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I supposed it is easy for him to say, and likely difficult for some to swallow. Though I try to avoid making sweeping generalizations myself, I can say that I really was only a potential submissive when I was seeking advice from other Doms rather than focusing on cultivating my own submission. Could be it was just me...but Jason disagrees.

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.