A few weeks ago, Jason gave me a task before he left for work. He wanted an essay. He told me when he came home from work he expected me to present him a handwritten essay on the ways I've improved in my obedience to him since we began.
“I want you to reflect on your achievements and the way you've grown,” he said. “Today, you will focus on your accomplishments. I want you to see how far you've come.”
I was pleased with this request, and I spent some time handwriting a reflection as I was instructed to do. He came home for our evening check-in, and as I knelt before him and handed him my essay, he read it, nodding and smiling (as I was cheeky enough to put in some very naughty things I've improved upon as well. Ha!).
“Very good,” he said with a smile. Then he got “that gleam” in his eye – part-stern, part-flirting, and said, “Now tomorrow, you'll write the opposite. I want an essay on the areas you still need to improve.”
Oof! Should've seen that one coming, eh?
So, I did as I was asked, and it was a nice reflection. I was happy to see that really, there weren't that many areas in which my obedience to him needs to be improved. I don't say that to brag. We've been at this for years now, and he's very firm and consistent with his expectations and gradually increasing those expectations. But my first instinct is to obey him. As I wrote my essay, I realized there was a common theme.
I need to improve my focus. When I allow my mind to wander and my focus to waver, that's when I get myself in trouble. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened this week.
I had much on my mind. I was in full-swing vacation prep mode. We are going away for two full weeks, our whole family, and we do have quite a little brood of ankle biters here. We're going on a plane, and the whole shebang. It's major prep work. And Jason told me a few weeks ago it would be best if we could get the house de-cluttered before we left. He was right. It's been much easier packing and cleaning in preparation for leaving now that we've organized and cleaned everything. But phew, what a lot of work that was.
As I've shared, my new book came out, and that was both exciting and nerve-wracking. And there's a lot of work that goes into all of that, too.
I had my normal day-to-day, and my fairly intense exercise regimen, I'm working on three current novels in various stages, and I had several medical-related things to take care of with my children.
Yeah. My head was spinning. He did his very best to focus me, every single day putting me over his knee and spanking me good before he left, checking in with me several times throughout the day, going through my daily to-do list thoroughly, removing whatever stresses were possible, and in short, helping me manage the heavy load on my plate. And it mostly worked. Until one night this week I had a bit of a meltdown. In short, I acted like a total brat.
Now, normal brat behavior would get me spanked. But this was very different. Jason was as stressed as I was and he'd had it. Normally, he'd take me right across his knee and spank me until I was calmer and more reasonable. But this night? He did not.
He came to bed where I was sort of feeling sorry for myself and out or sorts and irritable, and he took my phone from me.
“You, young lady, are not behaving the way I expect. Not at all. Your focus is on yourself. There are other people in this house with needs as well, and I won't put up with this behavior.” I was defensive, and irritated that he dared call me selfish. I'd been focusing on meeting the needs of everyone else, hadn't I? Didn't he know how hard I'd been working? Didn't he care?
Now, the right thing to do would've been to accept the admonition and behave myself, but I did not. I simmered and fumed and defended myself. He heard none of it. My phone in his hand, he pulled up my to-do list. He made a few notes, and handed it to me.
“That's what you are doing tomorrow. Nothing else. Not one damn thing. You will not text, or go online, or respond to emails. No chatting. No errands. You'll go to the early morning gym class, and I want a full report at noon. If I don't hear from you, I will paddle you when I come home. You are going to bed for the night. No reading, and no more talking. Good night.”
Oooouch. I kinda blinked and stared at him. He'd called me selfish, told me he was done for the night, and sent me to bed grounded. I sniffled into my pillow, feeling woefully sorry for myself, being married to such a bear of a Dom! No goodnight kiss. No spanking the brat out of me. No cuddles or sympathy.
I fussed a bit. I was hurt and angry. He merely raised a stern brow to me and said, “Do you obey me, or do you not?”
Meekly, I whispered that I did.
“Not one more word out of you. Good night.”
And I sat there and fumed and cried. But as I continued to lie there, I thought about all he'd lectured me on. And you know what? I realized he was right. Gosh, every bit of it. My focus had been off. I hadn't done my to-do list he'd given me. I hadn't done what he wanted me to do. I'd snapped at my kids and forgotten to drink my water and been irritable with Jason. In my mind, I'd have much preferred to be taken across his knee and spanked, forgiven, then sent to bed with all right with the world.
But it doesn't work that way.
If I'm submissive to him, then I do what he says whether I like it or not. We're not talking about a guy I hardly know taking advantage of me. We're talking about someone who knows me better than I know myself, who has my best interest in mind at all times, even when I don't want to admit it.
I finally settled in, and went to sleep.
The next morning, I woke before him and went to the early morning gym class as he'd instructed. I prepared myself for the day and did all I was supposed to do before bringing him his morning coffee. I felt humbled and chastened as I brought his coffee to him. I was still hurt. I longed for peace between us again. I ached to hear him praise me and tell me he loved me. I knew he did. This was not a deep breach, but rather a painful and necessary correction.
I knelt before him and he held my chin.
“You know exactly what I expect from you today and you know exactly where you will end up if my expectations are not met. Do you understand?”
I nodded, humble and repentant.
A stern glare as he held the rod in his hand.
“Over my knee, young lady.” I obeyed him, knowing I was going to get a good, hard spanking, and knowing I deserved every damn stroke.
A few firm swats in and the dam broke loose. I sniffled and wept, sorry for not having done what I was supposed to, grateful for his leadership and commitment to unwavering discipline, relief I was being put in my place and forgiven, eager to obey and earn the coveted “Good Girl.”
“Why are you crying, baby?” he asked, and I told him everything. Finally, sniffling, I sank to my knees when he was done spanking me, and he assured me he knew everything would go well today, that he believed in me, that it was only a temporary slip-up.
And lemme tell you, my focus all day was sharper than it's been in a good long while. When he came home from work I was still quiet and meek and told him I didn't quite feel myself yet. I was still chastened and humbled.
“You were disciplined, honey,” he said. “And I'm not surprised you feel that way.”
I did everything he said. And he was ever so sweet and has been ever since. He bought me chocolate, and praised me. He made love to me, several times over the past few days, and I was putty in his hands. He didn't hold back in lauding my efforts to do all that he asked of me and then some. At every opportunity – in the middle of the night, when I woke, when he passed me in the kitchen – he put his strong, possessive hands on me, reminding me without words that I belong to him.
It was hard being disciplined that way. But I thanked him for it in the end.
For in the end, even though I don't like the discipline in the moment, it's what I need and crave. He provides that stern, unyielding correction even though he'd much prefer not to discipline me. I thanked him because it's leadership like this that helps me grow, and moments like this that draw us closer together.