Sunday, February 21, 2016

How Gentle His Touch...

A few weeks ago, Jason gave me a task before he left for work. He wanted an essay. He told me when he came home from work he expected me to present him a handwritten essay on the ways I've improved in my obedience to him since we began. 

“I want you to reflect on your achievements and the way you've grown,” he said. “Today, you will focus on your accomplishments. I want you to see how far you've come.” 

I was pleased with this request, and I spent some time handwriting a reflection as I was instructed to do. He came home for our evening check-in, and as I knelt before him and handed him my essay, he read it, nodding and smiling (as I was cheeky enough to put in some very naughty things I've improved upon as well. Ha!). 

“Very good,” he said with a smile. Then he got “that gleam” in his eye – part-stern, part-flirting, and said, “Now tomorrow, you'll write the opposite. I want an essay on the areas you still need to improve.” 

Oof! Should've seen that one coming, eh? 

So, I did as I was asked, and it was a nice reflection. I was happy to see that really, there weren't that many areas in which my obedience to him needs to be improved. I don't say that to brag. We've been at this for years now, and he's very firm and consistent with his expectations and gradually increasing those expectations. But my first instinct is to obey him. As I wrote my essay, I realized there was a common theme. 

Focus. 

I need to improve my focus. When I allow my mind to wander and my focus to waver, that's when I get myself in trouble. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened this week. 

I had much on my mind. I was in full-swing vacation prep mode. We are going away for two full weeks, our whole family, and we do have quite a little brood of ankle biters here. We're going on a plane, and the whole shebang. It's major prep work. And Jason told me a few weeks ago it would be best if we could get the house de-cluttered before we left. He was right. It's been much easier packing and cleaning in preparation for leaving now that we've organized and cleaned everything. But phew, what a lot of work that was. 

As I've shared, my new book came out, and that was both exciting and nerve-wracking. And there's a lot of work that goes into all of that, too. 

I had my normal day-to-day, and my fairly intense exercise regimen, I'm working on three current novels in various stages, and I had several medical-related things to take care of with my children. 

Yeah. My head was spinning. He did his very best to focus me, every single day putting me over his knee and spanking me good before he left, checking in with me several times throughout the day, going through my daily to-do list thoroughly, removing whatever stresses were possible, and in short, helping me manage the heavy load on my plate. And it mostly worked. Until one night this week I had a bit of a meltdown. In short, I acted like a total brat. 

Now, normal brat behavior would get me spanked. But this was very different. Jason was as stressed as I was and he'd had it. Normally, he'd take me right across his knee and spank me until I was calmer and more reasonable. But this night? He did not. 

He came to bed where I was sort of feeling sorry for myself and out or sorts and irritable, and he took my phone from me. 

“You, young lady, are not behaving the way I expect. Not at all. Your focus is on yourself. There are other people in this house with needs as well, and I won't put up with this behavior.” I was defensive, and irritated that he dared call me selfish. I'd been focusing on meeting the needs of everyone else, hadn't I? Didn't he know how hard I'd been working? Didn't he care?

Now, the right thing to do would've been to accept the admonition and behave myself, but I did not. I simmered and fumed and defended myself. He heard none of it. My phone in his hand, he pulled up my to-do list. He made a few notes, and handed it to me. 

“That's what you are doing tomorrow. Nothing else. Not one damn thing. You will not text, or go online, or respond to emails. No chatting. No errands. You'll go to the early morning gym class, and I want a full report at noon. If I don't hear from you, I will paddle you when I come home. You are going to bed for the night. No reading, and no more talking. Good night.” 

Oooouch. I kinda blinked and stared at him. He'd called me selfish, told me he was done for the night, and sent me to bed grounded. I sniffled into my pillow, feeling woefully sorry for myself, being married to such a bear of a Dom! No goodnight kiss. No spanking the brat out of me. No cuddles or sympathy. 

I fussed a bit. I was hurt and angry. He merely raised a stern brow to me and said, “Do you obey me, or do you not?” 

Meekly, I whispered that I did. 

“Not one more word out of you. Good night.” 

And I sat there and fumed and cried. But as I continued to lie there, I thought about all he'd lectured me on. And you know what? I realized he was right. Gosh, every bit of it. My focus had been off. I hadn't done my to-do list he'd given me. I hadn't done what he wanted me to do. I'd snapped at my kids and forgotten to drink my water and been irritable with Jason. In my mind, I'd have much preferred to be taken across his knee and spanked, forgiven, then sent to bed with all right with the world. 

But it doesn't work that way. 

If I'm submissive to him, then I do what he says whether I like it or not. We're not talking about a guy I hardly know taking advantage of me. We're talking about someone who knows me better than I know myself, who has my best interest in mind at all times, even when I don't want to admit it. 

I finally settled in, and went to sleep. 

The next morning, I woke before him and went to the early morning gym class as he'd instructed. I prepared myself for the day and did all I was supposed to do before bringing him his morning coffee. I felt humbled and chastened as I brought his coffee to him. I was still hurt. I longed for peace between us again. I ached to hear him praise me and tell me he loved me. I knew he did. This was not a deep breach, but rather a painful and necessary correction. 

I knelt before him and he held my chin. 

“You know exactly what I expect from you today and you know exactly where you will end up if my expectations are not met. Do you understand?” 

I nodded, humble and repentant. 

A stern glare as he held the rod in his hand. 

“Over my knee, young lady.” I obeyed him, knowing I was going to get a good, hard spanking, and knowing I deserved every damn stroke. 

A few firm swats in and the dam broke loose. I sniffled and wept, sorry for not having done what I was supposed to, grateful for his leadership and commitment to unwavering discipline, relief I was being put in my place and forgiven, eager to obey and earn the coveted “Good Girl.” 

“Why are you crying, baby?” he asked, and I told him everything. Finally, sniffling, I sank to my knees when he was done spanking me, and he assured me he knew everything would go well today, that he believed in me, that it was only a temporary slip-up. 

And lemme tell you, my focus all day was sharper than it's been in a good long while. When he came home from work I was still quiet and meek and told him I didn't quite feel myself yet. I was still chastened and humbled. 

“You were disciplined, honey,” he said. “And I'm not surprised you feel that way.” 



I did everything he said. And he was ever so sweet and has been ever since. He bought me chocolate, and praised me. He made love to me, several times over the past few days, and I was putty in his hands. He didn't hold back in lauding my efforts to do all that he asked of me and then some. At every opportunity – in the middle of the night, when I woke, when he passed me in the kitchen – he put his strong, possessive hands on me, reminding me without words that I belong to him. 

It was hard being disciplined that way. But I thanked him for it in the end. 

For in the end, even though I don't like the discipline in the moment, it's what I need and crave. He provides that stern, unyielding correction even though he'd much prefer not to discipline me. I thanked him because it's leadership like this that helps me grow, and moments like this that draw us closer together. 


14 comments:

  1. Sigh. I always love your posts for one reason or another. I love that he disciplined you in a way you needed but may not have wanted. I understand that. I just had my kindle app taken off my phone and iPad because I was focusing too much on my books and not everyday life. Not to mention I'm not allowed to buy any books for quite a while. It truly sucks but it's probably the most effective form of punishment he could have used. And I see that and I thanked him for it because he knew what to do when I couldn't do it. I think in your case I would have been even more upset knowing that I had no words or cuddles before bed. That's a hard one. Glad you made it through!

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  2. *Sigh*. Deep sigh. :-)

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  3. Oh gosh, what a great post, great Dom too
    lover Jan,xx

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  4. Your posts especially ones like these that give a glimpse into the strong connection you and J have continue to be so inspiring and encouraging to me and my hubby. I'm so happy for you both that you do have such a strong and sound connection with each other. You and I are both so blessed to have hohs who are so in tune with what we need in terms of guidance and correction when necessary!:)

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  5. Thank you, JGirl. Another profound post. Again, honored that you can take such a personal and intimate journey of transformation and experience it, process it, reflect upon it and put it out there for the public to share.

    i loved all of it. Whether it's the details about the importance of de-cluttering the house before traveling or the interaction and ultimate resolution around the massive stress that comes about when we are living our lives, managing our kids, intending for an intentional vacation together etc.; I valued all of it.

    You reflection about selfishness in the moment of stress reminds me that so often discipline is a constructive response to my behavior or expression but not to me as a person. I am not a selfish person but I can express selfishness. I am not a brat, but I can act like one.

    I also appreciate the clear example of a Dom, listening to the importance of the moment, giving a response and consequence while weighing his own emotional availability after several long days to bring focus, and effective response to yours and family needs.
    Thank you.

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  6. Jo, I always appreciate your thoughtful and intelligent comments. Thank you.

     "I am not a selfish person but I can express selfishness. I am not a brat, but I can act like one."

    That is so true. I felt a bit self conscious in admitting to all of you how I'd acted, but I feel it's a necessary part of the growth in this.

    Your post makes me reflect on how grateful I am for the opportunities this dynamic provides. Thank you.

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  7. Jgirl, your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic with the public is remarkable. Most of us are not so at peace with our growth journeys as you have offered us over and over again through this beautiful blog. Thank you.

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    1. Jo, thank you. That means a lot to me.

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  8. So glad that Jason knew what you needed JGirl. You certainly have a lot on your plate right now though with packing and cleaning for your holiday.
    Hugs Lindy

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  9. Love how u write. I read here often because u tend to share the same triggers and responses as myself, and what I liked most is u were open to sharing them, even when most tended to avoid admitting certain feelings because the crossover wasn't "popular" or accepted. ..which is ironic considering most of us are exploring a dynamic that is based on exploring boudaries,and gently pushing them to see if something even more amazing awaits us on the other side...but I digress :)
    I actually have a question, curious to know if u recognize it, or have experienced it yourself :
    I recently "hung up" on my husband (for the record, I DID say that I was going to let him go before I quickly hung up...ya, that didn't fly with him either. Lol)...aaaany who... he sent me a text expressing his displeasure. ..and I quickly apologized as I knew I was wrong and didn't want to ruin his day (at work, &many hours to go)...(long story attempting to be shorter)..he thanked me for my apology, we said our love u's and he said..."u can consider last night a warm up"...I was immediately "high"
    Now last night was a semi serious spanking...basic message was "when I say cut out the attitude, cut it out"...it was amazing...uncomfortable, amazing...and of course, the pay off after was...ama zing :)
    Discipline turns me on...it still works...but holy Hannah, ..the whole process...start to finish is incredibly erotic and satisfying on both a physical,emotional and psychological level.
    So...proclamation of impending punishment made, me,wired all day....aaaand...he comes home knackered, and by the end of the night, it's clear that the poor man needs an early bedtime, with only enough energy to roll over and fall asleep. ..yes, like a denied orgasm, I feel a bit disappointed, but I can understand why...the problem came when I said one cheeky comment (mostly to just ensure that I would still be spanked for my transgression in a day or two when we could reconnect)..he half jokingly proceeded to pin me in the kitchen & give me a handful of spanks with the wooden spoon over my sweatpants.(also making a Comment that that took care of it)...holy bad reaction from me batman!
    I've never experienced sub drop. .and it doesn't quite cover what I went through...but my emotions were all over...anger, dissatisfied, disappointed, sad...just weird.
    Like he had me on edge all day..and
    No release
    Oddly, I don't think I would have suffered the same emotional response if he had put off "dealing with me" for a couple of days...we love each other, and his enjoyment of our dynamic is just as important to me as mine is to him, so if he's exhausted, we wait.
    Oh...and my tolerance for the pain of the spanking...none
    So...geez..Lol. .what was my question? ...familiar? Not, but normal?..or holy $#@!...this advice requires someone who charges a couple hundred an hour. :)
    Either way..thanx for your time, and sorry for monopolizing so much space in your comments section.
    Sincerely, a quiet (up until now),reader

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  10. Hello, quiet (up until now) reader! :)

    So essentially, you disrespected him, he told you to expect to be punished, and then he didn't follow through. His lack of follow through left you feeling disappointed and hurt.

    Totally normal, and these are very common growing pains I think nearly every D/s couple experiences in the beginning. In fact, I'm going to add this question to today's post in which I answer a few other questions readers have asked, because it's such an epidemic problem.

    When we seek this dynamic, we do so for many reasons, but MOST of us are erotically attracted to being dominated and crave some sort of discipline. How that pans out for each couple will, of course, vary drastically, but the reality is, we feel important, loved, and cared for when we are disciplined. That's the beauty of discipline. Our emotional needs are met because we feel cared for, and we find ourselves attracted more to them because, well, dominance is hot!

    What to do about this? When I experienced this with Jason, I tried to tell him that I felt important when he took the time to be consistent, and over time, he realized how important it was to be consistent with me. When he didn't punish me and I thought I deserved it, I would do my very best to refocus myself on obeying him, and communicate respectfully that I still felt "off" or unsettled if he did not punish me. We talked it through and that's how it worked for us.

    No worries on your question -- please feel free to ask away. That'll be $200 lol. (Just kidding! Your comment made me smile). I'm going to address this in more detail in today's blog post dated 2/28. I hope that helps. If not, let me know and I'll explain in more detail.

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  11. Hi J. Girl. Great post. The incident you described about him lecturing you sternly, controlling your to-do list, and sending you to bed *without* a spanking really illustrates the difference between spanking as one tool in an overall FLR or DD relationship, versus spanking as a goal in and of itself. I can see situations where *withholding* a spanking is more effective discipline than giving one.

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    1. Hi, Dan! It's good to "see" you, and I hope you're doing well!

      I completely agree that spanking is only one tool. If we are to submit to discipline, there are times when something else is in order -- and sometimes the absence of a spanking is certainly far more effective.

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