Good morning, readers! It's warming up here and spring is coming, which leaves me hopeful and grateful. I love the new beginning spring has to offer, longer days, and warmer weather, and all the possibilities that lie ahead.
Also, many thanks to those of you have supported me in my writing endeavors. Things are going so well, and I have to say that writing these books and sharing them with all of you is a dream come true. So, thank you.
Today I'd like to discuss a topic that I've intentionally avoided discussing in detail for some time: collars.
Why have I avoided this discussion? My blog tends to draw a lot of DD-based readers and collaring is a controversial subject among the DD-crew.
Now, why do I distinguish between DD-based and D/s based? For our purposes here, I make the distinction because those who have a DD flavor in their dynamic tend to favor a rules-based rather than roles-based dynamic. So, yes, the submissive partner may earn a spanking for speeding, but kneeling, or collaring, or submissive exercises for the purpose of increasing submission do not appeal.
Now, in no way do I want to promote the belief that there are very distinct differences between DD and D/s. I don't believe there are. I think that many who are drawn to a rules-based (or DD) dynamic find that many aspects of D/s appeal to them, and it's not at all uncommon for a couple who begins to incorporate DD into their relationship to realize that they do very much enjoy a bit more than having rules and one partner in authority over the other. Those who incorporate boot camp, for example, may find that they are really looking for more than rules or distinct roles of authority. If boot camp appeals to a DD-couple, it could very well be because they find they want to explore a bit more.
Over the years, as I've made casual reference to my collar, I have to confess I've not received one single negative comment or e-mail, as I anticipated I would. In fact, it's been quite the opposite. Many of you have written to me asking about my collar – what it looks like, where I got it, why I wear it, what it signifies, and how you can get something similar yourself. So I think it's time I address this topic in a way that will reach a broader audience. If you are one that has a strong belief against collaring, you're certainly welcome to share your opinion in the comment section. I only ask, as always, that you be respectful to both me and Jason, and my readers.
So today I'm going to explore this topic first by explaining what I've observed regarding how people feel about collars and why. Then I will share our story, and for those who are interested, I'll share some advice on how to find something that may fit your needs.
When we were beginning, I socialized with quite a few DD-couples, and there were vehement comments made against collaring. I've read comments made by some couples referencing collaring as “degrading, demeaning, and disgusting.” At the time, I wasn't even collared, but found the very strong comments against collaring somewhat shocking. So, I did a bit of probing, as I was quite drawn to the idea of Jason collaring me. And I discovered that there were several basic reasons that people were so strongly against collaring.
First, they viewed a collar something akin to ownership, and stated things like, “I am a free human being and not owned by my husband. It's repulsive to think of myself as a possession.”
Some said that collaring was reserved for animals, and degrading for a human being, because “we are not animals and should not be treated as such.”
Now, I actually don't disagree with either of those opinions. I do believe that they don't apply to collaring in the traditional D/s sense of the word, though.
Certainly we are free human beings. Freedom and consensuality should be at the very base of any healthy D/s dynamic. That said, those of us who are drawn to submission...most especially those who are drawn to deep submission...actually find that relinquishing control brings us freedom. I certainly believe this. If you're a regular reader here, you know that I've relinquished control to Jason in pretty much every area of my life and I love it. I do this freely, unreservedly, not without conscious thought, but after much contemplation and discussion. I trust Jason with my life, and I trust him to guide me in the ways he finds best. We're talking about a man who cares for my wellbeing above his own, who knows every inch of me, from my deepest fears to my my precious hopes and dreams, who knows my weaknesses and strengths, and applies leadership and structure to my life with the express intent of helping me overcome my weaknesses and cultivate my strengths. We firmly believe that when we took our marital vows we united. “And the two shall become one.”
So why would placing a physical symbol of my obedience to him around my neck detract from my freedom? Simply put, it doesn't.
When I say that I belong to him, I don't mean he owns me in the sense of a master owning a slave – and I'm referring to the traditional master and slave terms, not the nuanced differences within D/s. I am not his property. I am a free human being. Jason and I both believe that consensual D/s should honor the human dignity of both partners. When I say I belong to him...when I say “I am his,” I simply mean I am his most precious girl. When I rest in the knowledge that I am his, it's an acceptance of the knowledge that he is my caretaker, my protector, my dragon slayer, and I his “little one.”
Now, the comparison to a collared submissive to an animal is simply false logic, known in philosophical terms as a logical fallacy. A logical fallacy is a flawed argument often perpetuated by arguments that begin, “Because A is so, B necessarily follows.” For example, “Dogs eat out of a bowl. I eat out of a bowl. Therefore, I am a dog.” I once saw a marketing fallacy: “Refined sugar is a simple carbohydrate. Carbohydrates are an essential part of a healthy diet.” The implied conclusion there is, “Therefore, refined sugar is an essential component of a healthy diet.” This is a flawed argument.
Simply partaking in an act typically associated with animals does not therefore make me equal to the animal. Such comparisons are based on faulty logic. Why are animals collared? It's typically for safety reasons. If an animal gets lost, they can be identified with their collar. They're also used so the owner can affix a leash for safety purposes. Jason does not have my name and address on my collar in case I get lost; nor does he snap a leash on me when we go for a walk (yes, people do use leashes with collars in certain kinky settings, but...well, to each his own.)
Why, then, do I wear a collar? Recently, I was asked this question, in reference to how my collar compares to my wedding band. My simple answer was, “My wedding band signifies my commitment to him. My collar signifies my obedience to him.” And there's really not a hell of a lot more to it than that.
When I first learned of collars, I was immediately drawn to the concept. I wanted that special physical reminder of being Jason's. I wanted the reminder of my obedience to him. But his initial reaction was an adamant, “No.” I don't really remember now why he was against them, but I suspect it had something to do with the reasons I listed above. In any event, how Jason came around as sort of interesting. I was chatting with a friend of mine who is a submissive and I explained to her that he didn't want to collar me. She was collared. At the time, she would occasionally chat with him. (I'm not in touch with her anymore...C and S if you are reading this, I miss you dearly!). I have no idea what she said to him, but I do know that as we discussed the idea, Jason's feelings against collaring began to change. I didn't bring it up much. But after a few months, he said he wanted to get one for me.
I was ecstatic. We began to research. I didn't want one that was an obvious collar, but wanted one that was discreet. And I found exactly what I was looking at, a custom-made locking collar from Danielle atSkyewire designs on Etsy. Mine is the sterling silver day collar, and the lock is permanent. In April, it will be two years since Jason collared me, and this collar still looks like new. In two years, I have never removed it. It came with a polishing cloth and a few replacement latches but I rarely need to polish it, and have never had to use the latch (even when traveling. We were worried about TSA on a recent flight but the collar was not an issue at all). Because it's locking, and a potential danger in a medical emergency, I keep a very small pair of wire cutters in my handbag. It sounds serious, but...well, it is.
It is my opinion that collaring should not be taken lightly. A collar is not an accessory but a very real symbol of very real devotion. Things changed when Jason collared me. It was a fairly long process, as the locking mechanism took a while to get just right, and I knelt in front of him when he did it. When he was done...the look in his eyes was one I will never forget. He was dead serious. A friend asked me later what he looked like after he collared me and I told her, “He looked at me as if he were starving and he wanted to devour me.” The description I explained above...how I'm his very special girl? The moment that collar was secured and he looked in my eyes, I knew it. Knew down to the tips of my toes, deep down in my bones I knew that this man would lay down his life for me if necessary. That there is no one he is more devoted to, and that my obedience to him is not a joke or a game, but of paramount importance. I knew then, and every day since the day that he collared me, that every single part of who I am matters to him. It is why I answer to him in every way, why he leads me daily and instructs my every movement. It's because I am his, and his alone.
So many submissives have written to me desiring a physical manifestation of their Dominant's devotion to them. A collar is not for everyone, and it's not the only physical reminder of obedience or devotion. For a while, I simply had a charm on my bracelet Jason had given me, and he would insist on snapping my bracelet on every day. Some have anklets or rings, tattoes or bracelets.
I hope those of you interested in this have found my sharing here helpful. Please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Again, I ask that if anyone wishes to express a contrary opinion to what I've expressed here, that they do so respectfully.