Sunday, May 1, 2016

Goal setting in a D/s relationship

Hello, readers! It's been a while since I've blogged but the time off was much needed! It always feels good to get back to blogging after a vacation, though. And what a month. Where did April go?

Things have been exciting and productive in the book department. I've got a book I co-wrote with my best friend, and that's coming out this week! So those of you who like to read my fiction, and like some sexy hanky spanky, fun please keep an eye out at my author blog or follow me on my Amazon author page (and THANK YOU for all your tremendous support! ).

I finally feel like I've settled into a solid routine with my new job demands. It's hard finding a balance with the time comittments and  responsibilities. Jason has, of course, been right in on the action in that front, making sure I get enough rest and stick to the right priorities and all that. As always, he keeps me on my toes and I'm so grateful. It took some time adjusting, though.

We celebrated our fourteenth wedding anniversary, and my birthday. I got a most delicious birthday spanking (hand know how I feel about that! Yum). And now we're welcoming a real spring in! Gorgeous weather. I love the cool spring mornings, blossoming flowers, writing in the morning to the sound of the birds outside my window, and being able to jog outside again. The problem with being a spanko with a slap-happy Dom is that spring poses problems, though. No air conditioning on, yet, and the man will take me over his knee with the window open. We never can manage to keep neighbors next door. They're always moving. Really, is that coincidental?? Jason! He has a bit of am exhibitionist side which I find really fiction. Ahem.

I do love the spring. I've just run my third official 5k. I'm not a fast runner, but I do enjoy the accomplishment of crossing that finish line, and look forward to my next run. And that brings me to the point of today's post. 

Today is May first, and on the first of the month, I set my monthly goals which I'll share with Jason and he'll help me fine-tune and also achieve. (Yep, if my post on my schedule didn't show you just exactly how neurotically type-A I am, now you know!)

Recently I was talking to my very best friend Maisy. You can get to know her a little over at my writing blog, if you'd like. She's my real life very best friend. We met a while ago, and she lives right here in my town. Our kids are best friends, and lets just say, our husbands speak the same language (*cough* bossy *cough*). It was how Maisy and I bonded, comisserating about how we adored our frusratingly bossy men. And a friendship was born. Maisy has been my friend all throughout our journey into D/s and knows all the details. She's tremendously supportive, and I can't tell you how very thankful I am. Those of you who have had the chance to read the books she writes with me will see that she understands this dynamic so well. It's such a blessing to have a real life friend who loves and supports me in all of this.

So anyway, I recently went to Maisy with some things I was struggling with. Yet again, (this happens with some regularity) someone had made an offhand comment to me about how strict Jason is. Frankly, this is one reason why I do need blogging breaks once in a while. Many of you are so understanding, but many people are not and I never do know when our dynamic will come under criticism. It's a risk I take in sharing anything, and I will continue to take that risk as long as Jason thinks it's wise, because I do feel we help one another in this lifetsyle by sharing our struggles and victories. But still, it's not always easy.

Anyway, you'd think I'd have developed a thicker skin by now, and in some ways I have, but it still stings a bit. It really does. I love my Jason. If tomorrow I were to tell him that this lifestyle choice no longer suits me, I know he'd respect that. Yes, he's a natural dominant and his twitchy palms would go berserk. And yes, he loves this as much as I do. But this is all contingent on my consent. Because although Jason thrives on the control I give him and craves it, what he likes best about all this is that he knows he's taking care of me. And that brings me to the point of today's post.

How does a couple meet goals in D/s?

When I talked a bit about my hurt with Maisy, she said, "I've seen you flourish these past years. I've seen you grow. You've accomplished so many things you've always wanted. You never would've been able to handle the schedule you set out to do. You've grown so much." 

We started small. Jason had things in mind. My safety, and my respect toward him, my attendance at being mindful. But he mostly wanted to help me be all I can be.

And after that we set goals. I wanted to publish my books. I wanted to be a distance runner. I wanted to be a patient and attentive mother. I wanted to lose weight and shape up. I wanted to spend time doing things I enjoyed and find balance in my life. And Jason has helped me do all of that and more. 

But I had other goals I wanted to reach, and did. How does D/s help with that? 


Well, the simple accountability for one. Knowing that I'll get spanked for eating too many sweets or skipping the gym for a silly reason, or staying up late because I'm not paying attention to the time, or getting sucked into drama with my family when it's unnecessary... None of those things can happen when he holds me accountable. He is reasonable, and we both know that with small children at home, and just because life is unpredictable, sometimes things come up. And we roll with that. But on a normal day, I have a schedule I stick with, and it keeps my head in the game. I like having dedicated time for writing, or meal prep, or exercising, and I feel that the dedicated time for things I want to do makes me feel like I simply have more time in my day. More time to be with my children, and take them on outings, or do craft projects, bake, and read stories. More time with Jason to go on a date, or watch a movie snuggled in bed. It's freeing to know when my to-do list is done I have time to play. It's freeing to know when my phone beeps and it's 10:00 at night, that it will go down and off, and I can enjoy a full night's sleep. 

Submitting to his authority frees up mental energy.

This is perhaps equally as important as the accountability piece. I sort of view my mental energy as a budget. I only have so much mental energy on a given day, and I want to spend that wisely. This is also very important to Jason, and why he's strict about my priorities staying in check. I want to spend my mental energy being a patient and attentive mother. I want to spend my energy submitting to Jason, giving ample time to be a supportive wife, listening to him and supporting him. I like spending my mental energy being a good friend. I also like spending my mental energy  in creativity, allowing my characters to roam freely in my imaginative space, telling their stories and coming to life. And the list goes on. 

But there are many places where I do not enjoy spending mental energy and places where I'm simply not allowed to. I will not spend mental energy on things that rob me of my peace, if I can help it (and most of the time, I can). No spending mental energy on political arguments on social media, thank you very much. No need to spend mental energy getting sucked into drama. That doesn't mean I won't answer the phone when my mom calls, or respond to a text from my sister, but Jason wants me aware of my priorities and own mental wellbeing, so there are times when I simply need to refrain from engaging with what we call "the Crazy Makers" (this is from Julia Cameron's Artist's Way). Sure, I'll listen sympathetically to a phone call from someone who needs me, but start up the gossip, and I'm outta there. I always try to put down what I'm doing to be attentive to my kids (just now, my nine-year-old daughter came in and sat on the couch, and we giggled about the curls she put in her hair last night and she asked me what was for breakfast), but I do have several times of day when I'm dedicated to something important, and I can tell them, "this is my writing time right now. Let's talk about this when my time is up." 

I never was able to do all of this very well before D/s. I always tried to do all the things and I tried to do them all at once. Now, by no means do I have it "all together all the time." But, you know, things are just better in this regard now. How? 

I don't have to spend mental energy in places he doesn't want me to. I don't give much thought to finances beyond my own household spending and savings. Even my own earnings go into an account Jason manages and although he keeps me abreast of things, I mostly smile and nod. I despise dealing with money, and like not having to even think about it. I could, if I had to. I just hate it, and he's more than happy to handle it himself. Sure, things don't always go the way I'd prefer, but that's just something I need to let go. 

I don't have to worry about spending mental energy on big decisions. Holidays? Vacations? Where we'll live, or how to handle situations with the kids, when family issues come up, or a business proposition, whatever the case may be, I simply table those decisions until I can bring them to Jason. And then he and I will discuss it, but I don't expend unnecessary mental energy on these things, because he does, and he prefers that I don't. 

He sees potential where I don't. 

He sees potential in me that I don't see. He pushes me when I want to give up. He  holds me to high standards and spanks me when I spiral. And he listens to every little thing I tell him, helping me sort through it, and telling me he's proud. In short, I'm no longer alone in any of the burdens I've shouldered. His praise and support keep me going. And when I'm tired, or I've simply had too much, when I'm emotionally or physically exhausted, I know his broad shoulders can handle whatever it is I bring to him, and that he will always welcome me -- no, insist -- that I bring myself to him. He likes being needed. He likes being wanted. And it pleases him to set me to rights. 

So, tell me, readers. Have you found that D/s has helped you set and meet goals? What goals have you reached, or helped your significant other reach? What goals would you like to reach? Have you found that D/s has helped you grow? How so? 


  1. Hi Jason's Girl. It has not for us, but I wish it would. I've found that is much harder to get my wife to hold me accountable for things that don't have a real impact on her. You mentioned that your husband keeps you from getting drawn into unnecessary family drama. For me it it is work-related drama, and I would love it if she would hold me accountable when I let myself get pulled into it or, worse yet, when I cause it. But, it's always a piece at a time.

    1. Hi, Dan. I actually found that true with Jason at first, too, that he was reticent in holding me accountable for things that weren't a priority to him. But I totally agree with you -- one piece at a time. For us, it started with erotic spanking, followed by rules involving my safety. I think that goal-setting and accountability came much later, now that I think about it.

      Thanks for stopping by. I always enjoy your persepctive.

    2. As I enjoy yours, J Girl. Hope you're well!

  2. My Dragon says that I am a talented designer. He says that I would be competitive on one of those top designer shows. He encourages me to really get creative. When I second guess a design and put it down, he sometimes uses the paddle to change my mind. He gives me deadlines and enforces them. And he does it because he knows I can do it!

    1. I love that! I've gotten the threat of a spanking if I didn't meet my writing goal, and that got my fingers flying! It's not always fun but feels great achieving these miletsones. :)

  3. This is exactly what I need, and I believe it would make as big a difference for me as it has for you. I'm so glad for you!!!

    1. Thank you. I hope you get what you need, too.

  4. My wife admitted she became interested in dating me when we were in college because she suspected I would spank her. That was a few academic degrees and an award-winning career ago.

    Could my wife have been as successful without being spanked? Possibly. However, according to my wife, she couldn't have had a successful career, and been a wife and mother, without being spanked.

    1. That's really interesting. I enjoy hearing this perspective.

      I do think I'd have had some successes, for sure, but having Jason's accountability and coaching has helped me achieve things I never thought possible.


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