Sunday, May 29, 2016

It Takes Time

Good morning, dear readers. 

I think about all of you during the week, as I prepare to blog on Sunday. I hope this post finds you well.

What happens frequently is that I decide I'm going to blog about something and then Jason pulls a fast one on me and boom! I decide it's best to write about what's recent, as I'm best able to capture the essence of a moment when the experience is still fresh. And sometimes, I'm the one that needs to process. 

And then sometimes I have something I'd like to write about that I think about for months, years even, not quite sure how or why to say what I'd like to. And this is one of those posts. Nothing earth-shattering or revolutionary. Just the little swirling thoughts in my mind that I'm hoping I can capture and share with all of you. 

Most of you who read here want this lifestyle. Many of you are in various stages of the D/s lifestyle...curious, seeking, beginning, learning, and some of you, experienced and interested in sharing what we have in common. And it's so challenging. You write to me, sometimes, and I hear it in the tone of your messages, and even in the kindest, most encouraging comments you leave for me. 

You want this. 

And today, I'd like to discuss something that I truly hope comes across as encouraging. I'd like to offer some food for thought. And I'll share a bit of our own experience as well. 

Today, I'd like to discuss time. 

It takes time. 

What takes time? All of it. Learning what it is you want. Carving out your own way in all of this. And the actual application of what you want.

When Jason and I began incorporating DD into our lifestyle, we already had a long-term D/s lifestyle in place. I know I've mentioned this before, but I've gotten a way lot of questions about what exactly that means, so I'll take a quick minute to explain in a bit more detail. 

Jason was already a naturally dominant guy. I was not (and I'm still not) a naturally submissive girl. I don't have a submissive personality type at all. But when it comes to Jason? Yep. Submitting to him is very natural. I've been with Jason for over fifteen years, and I've been submissive to him from the very beginning. 

Now, we both had a way lot to learn, and we still do. But my point is, we had years and years of experience with an imbalance of authority in our relationship way before discipline ever came onto the scene. He spanked me when we were dating, but it was mostly teasing, and it freaked me out (because it turned me on and I thought that was weird!) so I asked him to stop. We had over ten years of marriage before we incorporated discipline into our relationship. Ten years applying D/s tenets to a relationship is a pretty good chunk of time. 

So those of you haven't had a D/s dynamic in place before you begin DD? In most cases, it's going to take a good long while to adjust to. And I don't mean a few weeks, or months, but in most cases, years. Years to learn how to communicate. Years for the dominant partner to learn how to lead, and years for the submissive partner to learn to trust. I could go on and on, but hopefully you catch my drift. I've been with Jason for fifteen years, married for fourteen, engaged in a full-time D/s dynamic now for three and a half years, and we're still learning. 

So if you've been at this for a few months? Or years, even? And things haven't clicked? Please don't be discouraged. This is quite normal, necessary even. There is so much to learn. So much to tailor to meet your own very individual needs. And in many cases, the only way to really find this out is to see for yourself. 

For example, I went for a while thinking that things like corner time and writing lines weren't for us. I maybe even blogged about how they weren't, but I don't remember. Although I respected that those things worked for other couples, they seemed silly for us. until one day I did something and Jason said, “You know what? I'm not going to spank you for this. You're grounded until you give me one hundred lines on ___.” (I honestly don't even remember what it was now). I was taken aback, but I did what he said, and found that I felt very meek, and submissive, and repentant when I was done. Huh. Who knew? Yep, lines can work. 

And then there's spanking! You've got implements and hands, and punishment spankings and sexy ones, and some spankings will be very effective and some not so much, some just right and some over the top. You've got the noise factor, the privacy factor, and tolerance levels, and aftercare – yes, or no? Then as you grow into your dynamic, things shift. Your living arrangement changes. Your kids grow up and move out, or maybe you have more kids. Sometimes, a long-distance relationship becomes a necessity.

And this is why the whole shebang is a journey, not a destination. It's about intimacy, and deeply connected relationships, but will take oh so much time to figure out. 

Oftentimes one partner wants something and the other isn't quite sure. Maybe one partner finds that discipline is very much attractive to him or her, but the other isn't really okay with that. I've known several couples that tried D/s or DD and found that hey, it wasn't really their thing. Whether or not discipline works for a couple is going to be contingent on a good many factors, and what works for one couple will not work for another. 

So if I can give any one piece of advice? Please. Take your time. It doesn't have to be everything, today. Don't be discouraged if you're not where you want to be. Good, solid, romantic relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and self-giving. 

And it takes time on another level. 

A great deal of communication must happen in a D/s relationship. Jason and I are raising a family, and both of us have jobs, as well as relationships outside of our family. Because of this, timing doesn't happen accidentally. It has to be quite intentional. Our very decided goal here is to make our D/s relationship thrive. And that doesn't happen if communication is an afterthought. This is why we have check-in's. This is why I'm not allowed to hold things back from
him. 


Yesterday, I was moved deeply by something. Now, in my defense, I'm a bit of a hormonal wreck this week and injured myself running, so I haven't been able to run it all out on the track. Things that I can normally take in stride are sort of hitting me harder. I was sitting downstairs and something actually quite wonderful happened. I received a message I'd been hoping for, and it was very good news. It hit me hard. I was in tears. I was actually a bit embarrassed by my emotional reaction, but knew that Jason wouldn't want me sitting there in tears – for good reasons or bad – alone. He wants to know all of these things. He was upstairs, so I brought myself, a big blubbering mess, and went to him. He put down what he was doing and sort of blinked and waited. 

“I'm okay! It's good, it's good, all good,” I said, and told him why I was crying happy tears. He smiled, and reached for my hands and squeezed them. He told me he was happy for me, and chuckled a bit at my reaction. We talked briefly, and I pulled myself together. 

This is how it works. He's aware of everything, both good and bad, anything that affects my emotional state. It's my job to be transparent and honest. It's his job to be patient and attentive. This is the essence of our communication with one another. Naturally, there are many other factors that come into play. Sometimes, he needs to talk to me about what's going on with him, and it's my job to be patient and attentive. Sometimes he's not in a place to listen to me and I need to be patient. But the communication factor is essential. In many ways, it's like any monumental task – if it becomes routine, it's much easier to maintain.

I mentioned in a recent post that I would be addressing this topic on the blog soon, and one thing I mentioned was that a D/s lifestyle is very difficult to maintain if one has a very busy lifestyle. In no way am I judging those that live busy lives. In many ways, our lifestyle is, indeed, very busy. What I am saying is this: every successful D/s couple I've known made honest communication intentional. Every successful D/s couple I've known made their time for one another a very high priority. 

Are you finding it difficult to have time with one another? This is such a huge struggle for many who wish to live this dynamic. If so, are there any ways you can aid in the communication? Again, this is where the trial and error comes in. 

And maybe you're finding it's simply impossible to find the time for one another. Recently, I was finding myself much busier than I prefer, and had to take a long look, with Jason, at how I was spending my time and how things could shift. We came up with some ideas, and they worked. If you simply don't have time for one another, are there commitments you can change? Responsibilities that can be delegated? Even work hours that can be adjusted? 

With me and Jason, we have two to three dedicated check-in's with each other daily, and frequent date nights. Other couples have loads of ideas with how to make communication intentional: 

Designated times to e-mail one another or text. 
A shared, private blog accessible only to one another. 
Dedicated date nights. 
Weekly “sit downs” or meetings with one another. 
Scheduled maintenance sessions. 
Morning walks, or evening massages, or lunch together when the kids are in school. 
Shared “couple” apps that are private, where various important things can be discussed.

Can any of these ideas help you? Do you have any ideas of your own to share?

Now, ironically, I'm looking at the clock. It's time for me to bring Jason his coffee. I have more I'd like to do and more I could likely say, but it's time to go see my man. I hope some of you have found this blog post helpful, and I'd love it if any of you have more you can offer to this discussion. Please comment below. 

Until next week, readers...thanks for stopping by, and happy spanking. ;)

11 comments:

  1. Great post. It takes time, patience and lots of communication to make dd work. It definitely doesn't happen overnight.

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    1. I completely agree, and thank you.

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  2. Hi J Girl. All of this really resonates. We have been doing domestic discipline for about 10 years, and things still change in very significant ways. In fact, I am pretty sure that because of some changes in our family dynamic, this year could see our biggest changes yet. You're also right that your first reactions aren't necessarily great indicators of where things will go. When we first started trying for a more significant change in authority in our relationship, she took it in more of a "service dominant" direction, involving me doing a lot of chores for her, being told to do certain household tasks, etc. Because I had suggested taking things in more of the D/s direction, I thought it would be easier. But, it has proven to be very, very hard. But, some of that is because it really is a genuine change in her authority, and learning to submit to that isn't always easy. But, I also am finding that as we keep going along this path, even the service aspects have their place and help us keep the relationship moving. I also couldn't agree more with the necessity of ongoing communication.

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    1. Hi, Dan, apologies for taking so long to reply. This has been one crazy week.

      You've made some great points. I'm glad you can relate, and I'm always interested in seeing how our experiences parallel or differ.
      It is quite true that in many ways when there is a genuine authority shift, it makes it very difficult adjusting to. Jason said when we began he had to sort of "train" himself to recognize ways he could help me submit to him.

      And yes, we found that service aspects did really help and still do. Little things that help me put down my own needs and focus on him can really reinforce our roles, and for us, one of the differences that we focus on while we aim toward a D/s, rather than DD dynamic, is that our aim is built on roles, rather than rules.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. This is awesome and definitely very inspiring and encouraging! I will definitely be sharing this with my hubby! And I love your ideas on improving times together and communication!

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    1. Thanks so much, Meg. I hope you enjoyed it!

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  4. So true. I can attest to this. We've been in some version of DD and D/s for about 12 years. Since we don't always have hard and fast rules that result in clear, consistent consequences, it can feel like we haven't ever arrived. But that's the whole point. It's not about arriving. It's about keeping the communication going, deepening the connection, opening up to deeper connection. This is a what allows for a rich, vibrant and dynamic relationship to manifest. When you look at the complexities of two individual adults coming together in a very transparent manner, there's no way that can't develop without time, many seasons, many chapters of this D/s story.
    I continue to work at focusing on what is present and what is being gained by what is going on today between us rather than focusing on where I think arriving looks like.

    Good reminder. Thank you.

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    1. "It's about keeping the communication going, deepening the connection, opening up to deeper connection. " Yes. I completely agree. Thanks for weighing in!

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  5. Wow, I was away from blogging for a couple of years and I am happy to see you are still going strong and your posts are as wonderful as ever! I look forward to going through and seeing what else you've been up to! :)

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  6. Mala, how nice to "see" you! I'm sorry your comment somehow got lost in the shuffle here, and I'm just seeing it now.

    Thank you for your support, and I do hope you visit again, soon! :D

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  7. Thanks so much for this blog! You help to keep things in perspective for "real life". We have 5 kids, 3 are still in the house, and we both work full time. Its a struggle to find the time for everything that we want to incorporate with our D/s relationship....however, when we put it on the back burner, we both end up very unhappy. I wish that I were further along with my ability to simply submit in all areas....but I still have a long way to go. We have been practicing for 4 years and I often feel like I should be further along than I am. Anyway, thank you for your blog. I find it very inspiring in a real life sort of way!

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