Sunday, May 15, 2016

Putting the Pieces Together

It sort of begins in a low simmer.

I'm angry with Jason. It's not even his fault, really. I mean, sometimes it is. He's not perfect. But this time, it's a bunch of things, as it often is.

I'm feeling all weird and insecure about a few things. An ongoing issue with one of my children persists, and though things have improved, it still continues to be draining. I'm very tired, and my reserves are down then. I'm supposed to go to Jason the minute I'm feeling this way. And I do. But he's busy, and he brushes me off. I go downstairs, and I'm ready to lose it. Finally, something pushes me over the edge. I rarely really lose my temper anymore. It's not allowed. And I have much better systems in place now for managing my frustrations, but this time, I lose it.

I storm around the house muttering and yelling at the kids. It seems I've spent all day trailing behind everyone and picking up after them, and can't anyone else do anything around here? It's just normal daily stuff that on a good day, I'd just face and deal with, ask my kids to pick up their things or sweep a floor or whatever. But I'm simmering today, feel like I've been repeating myself for days, and it doesn't take much to set me off at a full boil.

Jason comes downstairs, hears me, and gives me “the look.” He holds up a hand. “Five.” It is not a number for how many swats I'm going to get this time. Five means I'm in trouble. And at that point? I don't even care.

I take a damp dishtowel in my hand and whip it across the room. “Yeah. Yeah, I know,” I mutter at him. I know I'll get in trouble, but in my head right now? I'm flipping him off. I'm still sort of blaming him. It was childish, and selfish of me in this instance, I'll readily admit, but hey, I'm aiming for transparency here, folks. I was pissed off, and in my mind, thinking, “You want me to behave? Oh yeah? Then make me, big guy.” 

I don't recommend that. Really, I don't.

“Is that how it's gonna be?” he asks. “Fine, then. Ten.”

Code: “Girl, you're gonna get your ass whipped for this.”

I storm upstairs and pick up my phone and text Maisy, my best friend who knows all about us, because sometimes she can haul me off the edge when I'm losing my mind. I tell her simply what's going on and say something like I'm in huge trouble and I DON'T EVEN CARE.

She responds right away, “Oh, honey, yes you do, you really really do.”

She knows. I've been here before, and it never ends well for me. She reminds me that getting myself under control right now, and going upstairs and lying down and counting to ten, or a thousand, is likely in my best interest, and she says one thing that is perhaps exactly what I need to hear right now. “If you control yourself now, Jason will be proud of you. You know that.”

She's right. I know she's right. I remember the last time I was in this place of “too far gone to care.” It was about six months ago. And after the reckoning with Jason over that issue, I remember telling myself do not ever let yourself get to the “flip him off” stage again. Well, here I am.


The night winds down quickly. Our kids need us, and I am on my own upstairs. I put the little ones to bed and Jason manages everything else. I stay upstairs, and as the house quiets, I hear him come up. I've calmed myself down now. I mentally prepare myself for one of two scenarios:

Option one: he comes upstairs completely spent, too angry to deal with me and sends me to bed without another word. I hate when that happens. I hardly sleep a wink. But I'm prepared to deal. He can't just go on auto-pilot-dom-mode at will. I mean, let's be honest here. Was I in auto-pilot-sub-mode? Ha. Hell, no. I'd taken a good hour to get myself even prepared to begin to submit.

And then there's option two: he would come upstairs and spank me soundly.

Neither option sounds very palatable, but I'm reasonable enough and experienced enough in all of this to know that I really need option two. It's out of my hands now, though.

He comes in the room...strolls in the room, actually...and says in a low voice, almost teasing. “Little girl, what am I going to do with you?” He sort of clucks his tongue, and shakes his head. “What to do with you? Oh, that's right. I know exactly what I'm going to do with you.” I remain quiet. I know he is not joking.

He's taking control.

If it were just the two of us now, very likely he wouldn't be getting ready for bed. If it were just the two of us, I'd have been spanked the minute the first shout came out of my mouth, sooner even. He'd be unbuckling his belt and pulling it through the loops, and likely ordering me to strip and lay over the bed. I've been there. A serious infraction like what I've done would earn a strapping. But he needs to make sure our kids are all asleep, and even then, he rarely uses the belt, as it's quite loud.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed so I can get ready for bed and he pierces me with a look. One index finger points to the bed. “I said you could move?”

I slink back on the bed and remain quiet. He's in control right now, and I best do what he says. I don't say a word.

He gets himself ready for bed, and I lay there silently, waiting for permission to move. After a few minutes, he tells me, “You may go get ready for bed now.” I do, sort of dragging my feet, because I know I'm getting a spanking. I don't cross lines like that and get away with it. But I'll wait for his instructions.

When I'm prepared for bed, I come into the room. It's dark. I shut and lock the door, and walk over to my side of the bed. I'll lay there until he calls me to him. I don't know if he needs time to control his anger, or he wants me to wait. Sometimes he prefers I wait. But as I go to my bed, he stops me.

“Where do you think you're going? Get over here.” He's sitting on the edge of the bed. Dread begins to pool in my stomach. He's sitting on the edge of the bed near the implement drawer. When he sits at the foot of the bed, he takes the rod out of his desk drawer. That thing is hard to take, but nothing compared to some of the wicked implements in the drawer. I know before I drag my feet over to him what will happen. He will not pat his leg and ask me to lie over his lap. No.

As soon as I'm within arm's reach, his hands are around my waist, and I'm hauled over his lap. There is no prelude. In seconds, I'm bared, and I feel the first painful bite of the brush.

“Tell me,” whack! “Why,” whack! “I'm spanking you!”

Every single word punctuated with the whack of that awful brush. I squirm and yelp, and do my best to pant out the replies. “I yelled and swore and lost my temper!”

“That's right,” he says, continuing to rain down swat after wicked swat. I'm twisting on his lap. I can't help it. This type of spanking hurts so badly I can hardly bear it.

“You. Lie. Still.” His leg traps mine and now I'm pinned. The paddling goes on and on. Finally, he stops. But I'm not repentant. I'm still angry. In fact, oddly, the spanking dredged up even more of my anger at him. He stops spanking me, releases my legs, and places the brush down.

“What's gotten into you?” He asks. And he blames some of the things I've been doing. But finally, the anger bubbles up and I'm yelling at him which I know is stupid when I'm still bared and over his lap, and the brush is right next to him, but I can't seem to help myself.

I blurt out something like “No! It's not my fault! Maybe if you spent less time focused on your stupid game and more time focused on me I wouldn't have gotten so far gone!”

It's embarrassing to admit I was that bratty. But I was. I did speak what was on my mind. Usually if I'm angry like that and he's just spanked me, I'm able to keep a lid on my temper and then very quietly and respectfully say something like, “I feel a bit neglected. I wish I'd been able to spend a bit more time with you today. Do you think you could spend some time with me tomorrow?” But nope, not this time.

So, naturally, he picks that brush up again. “Is that right?” he asks. “Is that how this is going to go, little girl?” And he resumes the spanking with renewed vigor, continuing until he breaks through to me. Round two.

I'm sorry now. The brat is gone. It's been thoroughly spanked out of me. He releases me and orders me to bed. I crawl over to my pillow, repentant and humbled, and mumble an apology. He climbs in next to me. But there's so much I need to say. There's so much on my mind and heart. I'm fully chastened and sorrowful. My bottom throbs from the sound paddling he's just given me. But I still need him.

“Come here, now,” he says gruffly, hoisting me up in his arms and I curl up on his chest. And then I tell him.



It all spills out. Every last bit of the worries and fears and frustrations. And the tears fall.

I don't always cry during a spanking. Tears are an emotional reaction, and it takes certain conditions to reach that point. Now that the brat has been spanked out of me, and he's holding me, now that remorse is in full swing, and I'm free to let it all out, it all comes out.

I'm crying freely now, dampening his t-shirt with my tears. I wonder if he's still upset with me, and I ask him.

“No. I'm not angry. I'm giving you space to vent, and I want you to let it out now.” I do. And he apologizes immediately for his part in all this, which was minimal but still there. And I talk and talk and talk. I tell him everything. And this is when a funny thing often happens.

After a hard discipline session with Jason, I'm laid bare. And sometimes, when I'm in that aftershock of a sound spanking, emotions I have that I couldn't name or even recognize before, surface. And now I'm weeping because I miss my dad.

My dad loved the spring. It was one of his favorite times of year. I miss sitting with him in the car, while we drove together. He was always singing, with the windows rolled down, and all was right with the world. He was such a happy guy. He loved to laugh. He was not a perfect father, but he loved me. And, oh I miss him so very much.

Just typing it all out now starts me crying again. It's an almost indescribable connection...Jason disciplining me, and the emotions connected to everything else in me...this is it, the difference right there, between a sexy spanking and discipline. The “realness” is more deeply connected to who I am than merely the sexual side of things. The desire for this relationship runs deep. Yes, it's incredibly erotic. Those of us wired this way find the attraction to a strong, no-nonsense, authoritative man is just about the sexiest thing there is. Nothing turns me on more than being dominated by my man. And yes, the discipline side of things is rare. I've said it many times, but it bears repeating. It's the side of things I like the least but need the most.

The quiet comes then. The quiet after a spanking and a good cry, while he holds me. He's still very much in his stern place, though. “You will go to sleep now.”

I ask if I may read. I'm still a little wired.

But he says no reading allowed tonight. He wants me to sleep, not get caught up in a book, and he orders me to roll over and lay quietly. I obey. I'm quiet now. So quiet. And I lay there in the dark, while he nestles his hand against my hip, and I think, “I should blog about this. How this lifestyle picks up all the pieces and puts them all back together, until it all makes sense again.” How things can be askew, and my feelings and emotions may be confusing and frustrating, but how after a good spanking and a good cry, I feel at peace with the world again. I should blog about this, because this is the reality of a D/s relationship. This is why I blog. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I'll write about what happened and how it made me feel.

And so...I do.


26 comments:

  1. Jgirl,

    You were right about right about being bratty!! Sometimes the emotions are overwhelming and take control. That's one of the things that I love about my Master, his control. He's able to think things through whereas I just let the feelings take over. Now that I'm trying so hard to be honest (with myself and him) I at least know for the most part why I'm feeling a certain way. It's being brave enough to tell him that's difficult. Thank you again for writing. I don't feel so alone or bonkers for wanting the things I do.

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    1. I told you I was bratty!! lol But yes, sometimes the emotions are just too much. I'm glad you appreciate the post, and that it's helping you in your own journey.

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  2. Omg, girl, I sooo needed to read this post tonight! I'm also goung through some frustrating life things, and with hubby working a lot of OT right now, I'm feeling very much alone, and it's caused me to get bratty too. He has assured me that when the OT ends next weekend, I'm in for a real good reset, which I'm actually really looking forward to bc I so need to get back on track and truly let him lead me! I'm so glad that Jason helped you find your peace with everything. I so get where you're coming from.

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    1. Meg, hang in there. It's SO hard when we don't have the time and attention we need. I really hope you get what you need soon, and find it's able to put you on track, but hang in there. you're not alone! We all go through times when we need to pull ourselves through! ((hugs))

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  3. Wonderful real look into the life as it is lived.

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    1. Thank you! It's nice to "see" you. :)

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  4. I absolutely identify with this. I'm glad you blogged about it because it gives others a very real look into what is reality for many of us ... a deeper look than just the spanking ... a look at the how and the why, at the purpose, at how it all works.
    (((hugs)))

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    1. Hi, Lilli. Thank you. I'm glad you can identify, and that you felt the realistic look into how this plays out elaborates on the purpose, as well as how this all works! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

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  5. Hey there,
    I loved how you completed the puzzle for me on the discipline side. It helped me understand myself much better. I feel about H's small solid wooden cricket bat like you feel about the brush. That thing wakes every nerve in my body! It is extremely painful and it makes me feel very sorry, very quickly!! I'm surprised you didn't feel sorry at the first round, you must have been really angry and tired. I am happy that you had a cleansing and intimate ending, though. Thanks for sharing.
    Hugs,
    Joli.

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    1. Hi, Joli. I'm happy you found that this post helped you put things together on your end! It's so difficult coming to the heart of why this is not only what we want, but that it works. After years of writing about it, I feel I'm finding it easier to understand. I was surprised that first round didn't break throuh to me either...live and learn, eh? YIKES. In good news, I've been good for a whole week! :D

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  6. Hi, I thought this was a very very touching post. I had to read it more than once. Great writing, great Dom,
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Jan, so good to see you. Thanks so much!

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  7. Sometimes I think you must be Wonder Woman when I read how scheduled you like to be AND that you manage to get it all in. This frustrated, angry feeling sounded more like what happened to me fairly often when we were still raising kids. Unfortunately, we didn't do discipline, so angry words would be exchanged, etc.
    Both my parents have been gone for several years, but it is surprising how a memory or a date can just bring tears or sadness.
    Keep your head up with the problems with children; eventually it will work out or they will pass into another phase. Thanks for such an honest post.

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    1. I promise I'm not Wonder Woman, really. I just really thrive under structure and routine, and Jason helps me keep those plates spinning. But I'm glad that you understand why sometimes, I lose my mind!

      Yes, it is hard even years later, still missing my dad.

      Thanks so much for your encouragement, Kate.

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  8. Hugs to you. This was beautiful. Enjoying from Florida :-).

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    1. Thank you! I miss you, let's chat soon. :)

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  9. Lani quoted your post here in her post: https://leaningintous.wordpress.com/2016/05/17/consistency/

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing! Some days it can be so difficult to keep my focus in the right direction. Reading this post really helps. I'm embarrassed to admit just how often I've read it.

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    1. Hello, and thanks for your message. Some days it really is difficult to keep on keeping on. Don't be embarrassed -- if it helps you to read, then be all means, please do. What I've found when I've read what others have written is that sometimes posts are lengthy and various aspects need to be absorbed over time. I'm so glad this post has helped.

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  11. Just came across your blog J girl as have been away from D/s for a while. Your words inspire me to keep trying to find the lifestyle again for me and my husband. You are spot on about how discipline works (when it works!) Thanks so much for writing it out for us.

    Blackbird xx

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    1. Blackbird, I'm glad you found your way over here, and that you were inspired. I wish you the best of luck as you pursue this. <3

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  12. I have read this posting many, many times since you posted it. This might be your best yet. Not only do you build up a beautiful story but you speak your truth so eloquently and in such a real way that makes this not just another story.

    I can relate to the slow simmer, the sometimes endlessness of these young people in our lives as we coach and facilitate their growing and in the process no space to process our own journeys, our own growths, our own grief we almost forget exist. When you speak of your bratty moment in the midst of a hard spanking, I see the deepest beauty of your relationship and the proof as to why DD is a consensual co-creative process. Rather than shutting you down or shutting you up, your deeper truth is welcomed to manifest and you have no fear in showing your beloved your anger. This is trust personified. This is what it means to completely and totally allow yourself to fall for another. Such a level of vulnerability and openess and ability to give of yourself to him. So deeply beautiful and moving. And his control, his knowing of you and how to proceed creates the safe psychological, emotional and spiritual place for you to be you and in that you two come together at another heightened level. Beautiful.

    I did have a question about Jason's verbal communication with you in a "simmering moment" like the one you had here when your kids are around. It sounds like he used "the look" and some hand signs that you understood but it also sounds like he used words. I am curious how your kids reacted? What/if they sense this dynamic between you. My question could be specific to this encounter or it could be a larger blog post on how you navigate this with children, not only the communication piece and what they know or don't know about you as a couple, but how authority gets viewed in your household, what gets openly deferred to Jason, how does submission in your marriage enhance your role as a mother who is also an authority figure in the home. I think D/s has positive impact on the many roles we have in our lives and I imagine this is one of them.

    Again, deepest gratitude for sharing with us with such transparency and grace.

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    1. Jo, as always, I'm grateful for your thoughtful and supportive reply. Thank you so much. I agree with you that being able to be honest with Jason like this really shows that I trust him. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

      To answer your question, I'll briefly explain here and I will likely do what you suggest and write a blog post to elaborate on how Jason's authority with me plays out in front of our kids. You asked: "I did have a question about Jason's verbal communication with you in a "simmering moment" like the one you had here when your kids are around. It sounds like he used "the look" and some hand signs that you understood but it also sounds like he used words. I am curious how your kids reacted?"

      Jason does, indeed, use both code and frank speaking to me as well, in front of our kids. The code is to tell me "you are getting close" or "you are in trouble," without obviously giving details about the nature of discipline in our dynamic. But Jason has no qualms about being very vocal with me. He will call my name and say "that's enough," or "Come here," and instruct me very clearly. He'll say things like, "This conversation is over," or "we're doing x, not y." We are very open with our children regarding the nature of our dynamic, inasmuch as he is the final authority here. They know he is the primary decision maker and that I defer to him, but they also know that doesn't mean they're allowed to be disrespectful to me, just that I am willing to grant him authority in our relationship. I defer to him quite openly with everyone we know, saying things like, "No, Jason said no so we won't be doing that," or "Jason wants me home at seven, so I need to go." Depending on who I'm talking to, I'll frame how I word things differently (with my friend Maisy, there's no hiding anything). But mostly we just are very open about having a traditional marriage.

      With our older kids, we've discussed relationships at length, and have made it very clear to them that my granting Jason authority is only one of many ways a couple can interact. we don't teach them that this is the "right" way, because we don't believe it is. We believe that it is the right way for *us.* I hope that clears things up. Thanks. :)

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  13. Thank you. I hope I didn't say something to suggest clarifying or clearing up was needed for me. I so admire the intentionality of how you and Jason are manifesting your togetherness so I was merely interested in how your dynamic has impact and weaves in with other areas of your life. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness you bring to your childrens' understanding of your relationship. Thank you.

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    1. Hey there, Jo. No, I was just trying to succinctly answer some questions that are hard to answer succinctly! lol

      For sure, being submissive to Jason and him being my dominant have impacted literally every area of our lives. I appreciate you giving such thought-provoking questions that help me explore these experiences in writing, and I'm happy to share with blog readers who are interested in this lifestyle. I'll write on this this week. Thank you!

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