Monday, July 4, 2016

When you're not alone -- how to make this work with little privacy

Hello, readers. Thanks again for all the support with Saturday's post! It's been really fun hearing from you, and I am so appreciative of all your encouragement. Y'all are gonna give me a big head! What a wild ride this whole writing shebang has been. 

I set this post to go live last night, and I'm not quite sure why it didn't. I'm sorry about that! This might read a bit funny because I wrote it in three stages and just today noticed it still wasn't up yet. I sometimes use the app, and I think that's why it didn't post as scheduled.

So, I've mentioned in a few recent posts that I was working on writing about how to do all of this...TTWD, D/s, DD, and all of that...when you don't have the privacy you need. A few of you have asked me this directly, recently, so I wanted to share our perspective. I wrote about this a few years ago, but things change over time, so I'll share how we approach this now.

Jason and I, but most standards, have a pretty large family. I don't like to get into numbers and ages for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say I have a good many children and they range in age from nearly-school-age to teens. Jason and I have been married for fourteen years, and together for fifteen. I've been submissive to him since day one.

I know some of you know what I mean, since I've written about that dynamic before, but for those of you who are new here, or curious what I'm talking about, I'll explain. When I met Jason, it was clear to me that he was a take-charge kinda guy. I wouldn't call him domineering, and I really couldn't even have put words to it when we were dating. I knew he was in charge. And I knew I liked it that way. He's always paid the bills. He's always made primary decisions. He's always been decisive, and responsible, and protective.

Yes, he spanked me when we were dating, but it wasn't really disciplinary. So our dynamic wasn't built on an imbalance of authority in which I granted him the right to discipline me (as it is now). I simply chose to obey him, and he led us. If we had a question about what to do, or how we would approach something, I gave him my honest opinion and he made the final decision. It's just how it's always been and we have always been happy that way.

So it comes as no surprise to anyone who knows us that this is who we are. I've mentioned before that if we are invited somewhere, or I'm asked to commit to something, I always say, “I'll ask Jason and let you know.” I do this happily, and people don't question it. Friends will actually say to me, “Why don't you ask Jason and let me know about x, y, or z.” It's just how things go. I defer to him naturally, without question. If salespeople come to our door I'll say, “I need to ask my husband.” I even defer to him with all of my work decisions. He reads over my contracts and correspondences, and helps me make decisions. 

I think the only time I remember in the past few years of anyone giving me a hard time about how bossy he is was a few months back. I was supposed to go for a run, and Jason wouldn't allow me to run alone outside. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who said, "Well, why didn't you go anyway?" I laughed and said, "No, I wouldn't do that. He's like that because he is overprotective and I like that he is." That very weekend, another one of my running buddies was traveling, and texted me, "Looks like I'm not allowed to run outside in this area!" Her husband had put his foot down and wouldn't allow her to run outside. We ended up laughing about it later and my friend said, "We're lucky to have these bossy men who care about our safety." So my point is? I don't hide that he's bossy and I don't hide that I like it.

Why am I explaining all of this? The simple reality is, things like spanking or other discipline are only the smallest part of how Jason and I interact. The vast majority of the time we spend with one another, we have a different sort of power exchange going on. I submit to him, and he leads me. Now, we are crazy about each other. We are friends and love each other's company. Last night he took me out for frozen yogurt (poor guy hated it – real ice cream next time, none of the fru-fru stuff! Lol), and we laughed and chatted and drove by the beach. We snuggle and cuddle and put our hands all over each other, all the time lol (yes, we're discreet when we need to be). At the moment, I'm sitting on our bed with my laptop, and he's playing his Xbox. Everyone's having some media time. In a short while, the kids will play outside and later the younger ones will come with us to pick up some food. Jason's grilling tonight. We love doing simple family things together, and just enjoy each other's company.

Yes, I'm submissive to him. But there are very few that know the intimate details with how that plays out. So yes, I wear a collar (but to most people it just looks like a silver necklace. I call it “my anniversary necklace” if the kids mention it). Yes, I kneel every day, and I get spanked every day. It starts me on the right foot, and I love being accountable to him. But it's not like I'm kneeling for hours. It's rare we indulge in a really long session. We have a drawer full of spanking implements. I've gone to sub-space and it was delicious. But, that was a long time ago. We're raising a family here. There's a reason why most D/s relationships either take place when a couple has no children yet, or when they're grown and moved out.

As I wrote about in this post, it takes a great deal of time to fuel a full-time dynamic. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

So, a bunch of people have asked me recently for specifics. How do we do it? How do we meet one another's needs without neglecting our family's needs? How do we meet our family's needs without neglecting each other? I'll share a few basic tidbits as to how this works for us and how I might advise someone who is trying to adapt to a D/s lifestyle but has a lack of privacy. Some of you live with family, or in-laws, or roommates. Some have small children, or, what's maybe even harder, adult children living at home.

Is it possible to have a full-time, even intense dynamic while not having a lot of privacy?  

It is. We do. And I'll share with you how we do.

First, understand that the actual spanking and similar acts of submission are only a very small part of the power exchange. In my personal opinion (and I know some disagree), there is a large range of control a submissive partner can grant a dominant on the power exchange. Some may incorporate a loss of control in bed, some might practice mild discipline, some are into a roles-based D/s relationship, and some are into a full-time, total power exchange. In all of these situations, the crux of the relationship is the exchange of power – a consensual submissive partner relinquishing some sort of control to the dominant partner, in whatever form that takes.

The exchange of power is the crux of the relationship. For me and Jason? That means in every single interaction, I defer to him as the authority. Just now, he finished on his game and said, “we need to run to the store,” and I said, “May I have a few more minutes?” I was prepared to put this down and obey him if he said to come. He said yes, I could, and on I went. This is how we interact all day long. I asked him when I woke this morning what time he wanted his coffee. I brought it to him. We checked in thoroughly and went on about our day. He said he liked the outfit I was wearing, and asked me to help the kids get ready to go out. All day long, we sort of seamlessly interact like this. So, honestly? Privacy isn't what we need so much as a great deal of communication.

So, in my personal opinion? Can this work without privacy? Yes, if you're discreet and creative. Can this work without communication? Emphatically no.  

Communication is essential. A D/s couple needs to find out what it is they want from this, and communicate effectively toward that end goal. 

That is the essence of our check-in. We always know what the other is going to do. There are days when I have to spend a lot of time writing. There are times when I have to work heavily on housework or have to do errands. I simply tell him during our check-in. We talk to each other all day long, and if we're separated we call each other or text. We talk before he leaves for work, throughout the day, when he comes home, and before bed at night.

Make time for one another.

At the heart of what a submissive wants from this relationship is the desire to have the attention of her dominant. Find time for one another. It doesn't have to be a punishment, or a spanking. Sometimes all she needs is a little hair tug and a whisper in her ear. Sometimes all she needs is a hand squeeze or some other outward display of dominance. It's very common for Jason to come up to me in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner and wrap his arms around me from behind, or he'll lean against the counter, I'll come over and hug him around the neck. We whisper to each other a lot and send code words to each other. It's how we communicate when we have to be discreet. And that brings me to point two.

Have codes.

Jason and I have a number signal. One means yes, two means no, three means “I love you,” Four means “Be a good girl,” and five means, “I'm gonna spank your ass.” (Thank you, Jason, for the refined code there, babe). He'll either squeeze my hand that many times, tap it on the counter, or simply say it out loud. A few days ago, I got angry and lost my temper (not allowed here). He simply looked at me and said, “Five.” I knew I would get a spanking (and I sure did). If we're out and I'm getting grumpy about something he'll grab my hand and squeeze four times. Be a good girl.

But I have codes, too. We decided a few years ago that I needed a code word for when I was getting upset about something. These days it's only used when I'm overwhelmed. We never did come up with a code word, though, so I simply say, “code word!” It works. And if I'm needing a spanking, I'll tell him “my spank tank is empty."

Find ways to be discreet with the actual spanking.

We have a bunch of different implements, and they are used at times when we have total privacy, when the kids are asleep, or the air conditioning is running, we're on vacation alone, things like that. But most of the time? I get spanked with something silent. I don't like them. But, I need to be spanked and that helps me get spanked soundly without any noise. We use a tilt wand (blind turner), or a loopy johnny. The thick hairbrush is for serious offenses, and so dense it makes hardly any sound at all. Fortunately our older house is solidly built and nearly soundproof. You can't hear a thing outside our bedroom door (we've tested).

If there are kids at home, it's sometimes best to wait until they're asleep, or at school. We don't often wait anymore. These days, I'm just spanked with one of those silent implements. The tilt wand can be brutal, but can be modified to produce just a basic sting. We've been at this a long time and I'm spanked often, so we know how to make this work for us. I can get a good reminder with a tilt wand, or a hard disciplinary spanking (thankfully rare).

Some people go to a basement, or to a garage, or some other private part of the house for a spanking to take place. Do whatever you have to do to make it happen. I firmly believe that I'm happier when my suibmissive needs are met, and I'm better able to meet the needs of everyone in my house. But I also have to understand that my primary goal right now is not my writing career, or fulfilling every one of my spanking fantasies. Right now, my kids are small and still at home. They're only here for a time, and I want to make the most of that time. So yes, I focus on them first, and try not to resent the fact that they need me and sometimes that means putting down my needs for a time.

I do tell Jason what those needs are and we do the very best we can to meet the needs we both have.

Understand that the needs of a couple change.

When we began, our kids were younger. They slept more, and napped. We had more time to explore these things and used different implements. That changed, and we have to be more discreet now. But we are still able to make this work, because we communicate all the time, and we make the needs of the other a priority.

I've tried to thoroughly cover each area we focus on to help make our dynamic work but I'm sure I'm missing things. Please feel free to ask questions. My aim here is to show that a dynamic like this can work even with a lack of privacy.

And on that note, Jason is ready for me and I need to go, because the most important thing I do here is obey him. 

His leadership and my submission is at the very heart of all we do.

Until next time readers, happy Fourth, be safe, and happy spanking.


  1. Hey there, lady! Even if you were repeating some things, this post was so very helpful and encouraging once again, so thank you so kuch for that. I've sent it in email to my hubby who has also found your posts to be helpful in our D/s dynamic!:)

  2. Hey J Girl. Hope you are having a great 4th. It is great the extent to which you have made the D/s and DD elements blend seamlessly into your daily life. If I could go back and change one thing about how we have done things, it would be to be more open about the dynamic within the family. Not talking about it, but just making me submitting and her commanding the visible daily thing. To be fair, our dynamic used to be mostly DD and not so much the deeper power exchange you refer to, so there wasn't really much to hide other than the spankings themselves. But, now that we ARE moving into more of a D/s or, in our case, FLR relationship, there is always the issue of changing the way we visibly interact in a way that kids and others will notice and be surprised or disturbed by. It would just be easier if we had begun this dynamic earlier and been more visible about her being in charge..

    1. Dan, what do you like about the idea of her being visibly in charge in front of the kids?

    2. Dan, I wonder if it's still more socially acceptable for a woman to be submissive to a man, and if that affects how others might view your relationship (and whether or not in a FLR it's more difficult from the social perspective).

      I do think that having a general power exchange be prevalent makes it easier to adapt to a DD dynamic.

      I always enjoy hearing your perspective!

  3. Thank you for blogging on this topic. It is much appreciated. You are kind to put yourself out there and explain such personal things to help those exploring this lifestyle. The way you write makes it easy for others to see the strength and beauty in a DD relationship and how it can work well even within the confines of a large, active family.

    1. Thank you for the encouragement! I still wonder if it's useful sharing what I do here, and I appreciate feedback like this, knowing that some do enjoy hearing a little bit of our perspective.

  4. Lots of thoughts! Initially we couldn't wrap our brain around doing this with kids underfoot but it becomes a norm. We wouldn't spank around kids anymore than we'd have sex around them! Your paragraph about TIME really spoke to me. That is 100% the heart of this. All things come together when all of our various tanks are full. Good stuff!

    1. I'm glad the point about making time spoke to you. I know your children are even younger than mine, and that's a very challenging dynamic!

  5. I love that I have stumbled upon your site. I hope you and your family had a wonderful 4th. My husband and I have been combining a D/s and DD style into our marriage and I love reading how other married couples are making it work for them. Keep up the great work. You write beautifully :)

    1. Thank you so much. I'm glad you found your way here, too, and hope you come back. :) Best wishes as you pursue your DD dynamic!

  6. Sorry but what is a tilt wand? Interesting post.

    1. The part of a window blind that is used to open and close it, packs a really good sting imo anyway, but is a quiet implement, me tho, not so much lol

  7. Yup, bingo. It's thicker than a cane, so not as severe, but similar.


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