From time to time, I need to take a break. I usually spend that time thinking about why I blog, whether or not it still serves a purpose, and if it's worth continuing. I've been thinking a lot about this lately.
Why do I blog? Well, I started because I enjoyed processing my relationship with Jason this way. Though that's still true, over the years, that's changed a bit. I've continued to blog so those who are attracted to this lifestyle have a place to go where they know they're not alone. My blog draws a lot more people who are experienced in the lifestyle than it did before, and those people have been writing to me. They've explained how they enjoy hearing about the struggles in the lifestyle, and knowing they're not alone.
So I decided I would write in a raw state, and focus a bit more not so much on the “how do we do this” aspect or even the romantic aspect of our relationship, but rather “how I deal with the challenges of the lifestyle.” It's a risk, blogging, and I knew that going in. But I'm going to be honest here. The past week has been very difficult. I've been accused of being a poser in the lifestyle and making all this up (I'm not, but believe what you will.) And a long-time reader of my blog said that my latest posts sounded abusive, like Jason was beating me, and that it sounded like he wanted a Stepford wife.
You guys...I'm not a robot here. Unfortunately, my personality type (INFJ, for those familiar with Myers Briggs) means that I struggle with deflecting emotion. Rather, I absorb it. Maybe blogging isn't for the likes of people like me. You see, this type of thing hurts, and I have a hard time disconnecting. And because my blog is largely read by people who don't interact with me, I worry that the few who do speak up with such feelings represent a large portion of the readership. With that in mind, I'm not sure I'm going to continue blogging.
I'm not sure how else to say that I am blissfully content, extremely happy, and Jason is my hero. I'm also not sure I need to.
I actually intentionally edit my posts and try to tone all that down, because I'm so very happy I don't want to make it harder for people who want to live this lifestyle but can't. I don't want to sound obnoxious or gush too much. But honestly, I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be more content. I'm the focus of the Dom of my dreams, who helps me be the best I can be, who meets my needs in spades, who is thoroughly devoted to taking care of my physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Last week, I had an anxiety attack after a few things happened. I kept getting dizzy, and finally realized that it was anxiety. So I did what I do...immediately went to Jason. He was at work so I texted him and told him I was having anxiety attacks. His reply was instantaneous. “Baby. What can Daddy do to help?” I melted. It made me cry. Because that's who he is and I'm special to him. I can't even get a papercut without the man holding me on his lap and kissing away the pain. I'm precious to him. His little one. I can't even describe the way he looks at me, holds me, talks to me.
I never feel afraid or belittled. Yes, he's strict but I love that. It's attractive to me. I crave his control and dominance.
Last night, I waited for him to have some time to listen to me. He finally did, and I crawled up on to his chest and told him all this that troubled me. He listened and held me, and kissed me when I started to cry. He agreed it was time to take a break. He says it's time to step back. I have some writing projects I'm working on, and I'll be focusing on those but at a fairly slow pace.
I know the time will come when I will fold up this blog, but I would prefer it not be on a sad note. So I won't make this farewell, but just good-bye for now. Jason and I are planning a vacation together alone in a few weeks (yay!). I'll use this time to focus on writing, focus on my family, focus on Jason, and focus on some much-needed rest. Thank you. Be well.