Sunday, October 9, 2016

Why we do what we do

Hello! It's been a few weeks, and I hope this finds you all well. I did have every intention of blogging over the week, but it simply got away from me. It always feels good to be back.

So, Jason and I are quickly approaching our four year D/s anniversary. We've been with each other for fifteen years, and as I've mentioned before, we always had a roles-based understanding of dominance and submission. But it was four years ago this November that we took things up a level with adding DD into our marriage dynamic.

A bunch of people have asked how things happened for us as far as timing. Things went pretty smoothly for us, for a few reasons. First, we'd already had an understanding in our relationship with how we related. I wasn't “allowed” to do certain things long before he ever spanked me for disobeying him. I was expected to be respectful to him, and to keep myself safe, and a whole bunch of other things. I asked permission before I made a big purchase, and never made plans without talking to him first. Things like that. So when we added the DD aspect and things really intensified, it happened rather quickly that we became pretty devoted to this lifestyle choice. About six months in, we'd arrived at a place where we were both very content with the way we do things. It was about a year later he collared me, and somewhere along the line I started calling him Daddy.

So it's been years now where we haven't really dealt with the trial and error aspect of figuring out a D/s dynamic. Things have shifted for sure. They continue to shift and will continue to do so, as our kids grow and our own needs evolve. We've decided that we love the power exchange. We love the erotic elements of D/s. We're not so much into kink. That's just us.

But you know what? I still get in trouble. If you read here at all, you'll know that it happens with some regularity. And by trouble what I mean is, that Jason thinks I need a good spanking pretty regularly. It could be that my tone is a bit off, I've forgotten what he asked me to do, I've stayed up a bit past my bedtime, or something similar. He sometimes Doms me into behaving. For example, yesterday I was a bit irritable in the morning and I was lying next to him. He gave my hair a sharp tug, hauled me over his knee while lying in bed and gave me a good hard swat, saying, “I've had enough of your attitude, young lady.” That was all. It wasn't a full spanking. I understood that it was time to curb my tongue and behave myself, and I did. He might decide that I haven't focused enough on my to-do list and give me a harder-than-usual maintenance spanking. He might decide I've not gotten enough sleep, and send me to bed early. Those are the types of things that happen all the time.


Serious punishment is rare, but it happens. It happened just this week. And I'm going to share this with all of you, because there's a pervasive belief with so many submissives that getting in trouble means that somehow we've failed. And it's my strong opinion that we aren't in this to achieve perfection.


So why don't I tell you what happened? Most of my stories of getting in trouble begin when I'm tired and overwhelmed, and this time was no exception. As I said in a recent post, it takes a great deal of focus to stay submissive. I don't always have that ability. Jason's stern and completely consistent dedication to enforcing my obedience certainly helps a good deal. His focus on me helps as well. But when the chips are down, it's much harder for me to submit, and the man has some seriously high expectations for me.

We were having dinner, and it was just one of those days. I sometimes hesitate to share what happened here when it involves our children, because that's usually when people write to me and tell me he was unfair or too harsh. But, it is what it is. I submit to him in all areas of our lives, and raising our children is no exception. It's a big deal for him, that I allow him to father our children the way he sees fit. I'm certainly allowed to express my opinion but he gets the final say. It's just how we do things.

Anyway, I'd slaved over the meal. I'd spent so much time food shopping, preparing a meal from scratch, serving it (and still had the clean up to look forward to). My littlest ones decided that they didn't like the meal, and one put up quite a fuss. We don't really deal with food issues here. We simply tell our kids they have to try everything but aren't required to eat a meal we serve. We don't allow bad attitudes however, and Jason never allows our kids to be disrespectful to me.

I'd had one too many complaints and bad attitudes and I lost my temper. I yelled at all my children that I spent a great deal of time and energy preparing the meal, and was tired of attitudes about what they didn't like. Jason was surprised. Heck, I was surprised. He raised his eyebrows at me and signaled for me to settle down, and I tried but I was so wound up. Jason decided that the child giving me the attitude would be excused from the table, and he stepped in, putting a firm end to the attitude. I had it – my mama bear got the best of me and I talked back to Jason. I yelled at him in front of the kids. I was disrespectful, and Jason simply gave me “the look,” held up five fingers that no one but I saw, and I knew I was in major trouble.

Things settled down. My kids behaved themselves and apologized. I began to clear the dinner dishes. Jason brought me into the kitchen, wrapped his hand around my neck, and drew my ear to his mouth. He whispered, “Just so we're clear? You've earned yourself a good, hard spanking over my knee for what just happened.”

I knew I deserved it. I was not going to argue with him. In our dynamic, he expects me to speak to him respectfully and privately if I disagree with him. I didn't. I had crossed a line, and I knew it. I also knew I wasn't going to get a small spanking or a reminder, but a serious one. I went upstairs, and he got our kids situated on the other side of the house where they can't hear us. I didn't expect I'd be spanked until later, but sure enough, in walked Jason, the door was shut and locked, he pushed me firmly over the edge of the bed, down came my pants and out came the hairbrush. That was one awful spanking, the kind that makes me squirm remembering afterward. I begged him to stop and he didn't stop until I was good and thoroughly spanked.

When he was done, he said, “am I ever going to have to spank you for that again?” I was crying at this point, insisting that I had certainly learned my lesson. He told me he was taking my phone and I was being sent to bed early. Sniffling, trying to hide my tears, I went about my evening, really feeling like I could use a hug. It sucked, y'all. I knew I deserved it, and this is an agreement we have. I love that he's strict but it doesn't make it easy to accept in the moment.

I found him a short while later playing his guitar, and I just whispered, “No aftercare, Daddy?”

He said, “I needed you to know how serious I was. I don't ever want to have to spank you like that again.” But then he softened. He is a total Daddy Dom, and Daddies have a tender, nurturing side. So he opened his arms up to me and said, “Come here, baby.” Of course I did, and I bawled my eyes out, wrapping my arms around his neck while he held me. “I want you to understand how seriously I take your emotional wellbeing,” he said. “When you lost your temper at dinner, it was a clear indication that I'd not done what I'm supposed to, and made sure the kids treated you respectfully. But when I stepped in to make sure they did, you stopped me.” He was right.

I know at this point that many readers won't understand this...why this was a serious infraction for us. Why he punished me so soundly. But it works for us. I crossed a line and I knew it. And we had to make it better. Then later that night, after I'd obeyed him and gone to bed early, he climbed into bed again and held me until I fell asleep.

Had I learned my lesson? You would think so, wouldn't you? But no, two days later, I was upset over something and called up to Jason. He didn't hear me. I called out again. He still didn't hear me. So I marched upstairs pretty upset and my tone was really not acceptable. Again, out came the brush, down came my pants and lawdy, here it is Sunday and I'm still sitting on one very sore bottom. 



Today I've been good. ;)

I'm sharing this with all of you for a reason, though. Those of us who desire submission frequently have higher expectations for ourselves than we should. Does that mean it's okay that twice in a few days I got myself in trouble? No, it doesn't. When we were still trying to figure things out, and I hadn't yet internalized Jason's expectations or made submission to him intuitive, I got in trouble all the time. I could hardly go through a week without a spanking, and it used to discourage me. So, to those of you who are there? Try not to get discouraged. Punishment ebbs and flows. Perhaps the first punishment wasn't effective enough. Perhaps the submissive needs more attention, and misbehaving is a sort of unconscious attempt to get more attention. Perhaps the expectations for behavior need to be adjusted, or perhaps there are other factors like hormones or stress. But for many who are aiming to make this a part of their lives, the reality remains that it could take a great deal of time to arrive at a place where punishment is rare.

But it doesn't mean that this isn't working. It certainly may be working quite well, it just takes longer to really bear fruit than one may think. I know there have been times when for whatever reason, being spanked for something didn't work for me, and we had to figure out why and work around that. But in general? Just because you earned a punishment doesn't mean you are failing.


I earned two rather serious punishments this week and it may indicate many things. Jason and I are working on figuring out what those things are and how we can remedy the situation. But it doesn't mean I failed. We all fail. Expecting perfection from ourselves is a pointless endeavor because we aren't perfect human beings. We all make mistakes. We all fail. The goal here for me and Jason isn't to arrive at a place where being punished never happens. The goal here isn't for me to achieve perfect obedience because that's never going to happen. The goal is for us to draw as close as two people can. We thrive on the power exchange, in whatever capacity we are able to live it right here and now, as much as we can while raising a family. The goal here for us is to have a fairly easy method of solving conflict. We draw close to one another. Where will be ten years from now? I don't know. We have no plans to change how we do things here, but I can tell you this. I will not have arrived at perfection.



In this, the exchange of power and meeting of one another's needs, there is no striving for perfection. I do not fail when I make a mistake. I simply falter, and he steadies my steps. This is how we meet each other's needs. 

Henry David Thoreau once said, regarding his journey into a simpler life, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.


We live this not because we are striving for perfection. We do this because we wanted to make our relationship the very best it could be, to simplify our focus, remove what kept us from one another in our relationship, and have the meeting of one another's needs our primary focus. This is what we do, every single day. Every time I kneel before him and he goes over my rules. Every time I bring him his coffee or serve him, making him happy and content in his home, deferring to him as leader in our home and in my marriage. Every time we are intimate, connecting our bodies and minds in a shared bond that brings us just that much closer together. Every time I lay myself over his lap and accept correction; every time he holds me when I cry after he punishes me. I strive to obey him and he to meet my needs, but we are just two ordinary people striving for an extraordinary marriage. 

8 comments:

  1. Well said my dear friend. "Striving to have a extraordinary marriage"! This post made me do some self investigation on my constant feelings of failure. Thank you! :)
    Hugs,
    Joli

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  2. "Owee!" Jgirl, you have me squirming in sympathy after reading this post. Truly amazing, for even as you sit on a sore behind, you extract the deepest of meaning and highlight the value of your dynamic with Jason.Thank you. Yes, indeed, perfection is not the goal. In fact, it is perfectionism itself that limits so many to be fully and completely engaged in an intimate relationship. But this dynamic seeks full expression of the authentic self and in that, a deeper, richer connection is found. It is so beautiful that you give all of you to your man and in return he does not shy away from all that you are. Congratulations on your 4 year DD D/s anniversary!!!

    I believe we have some limiting beliefs around success and failure on this planet. I believe we all have a learning curve to aid our expansion but failure as we have constructed it doesn't serve our higher connection with self and others. And if we review the wisdom of the ages in places such as Khalil Gibran's words on Love http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html it is so clear that Jason and Jgirl are intending and growing in this expression of Love every day. This Love is so encompassing it brings the momentary feelings and expressions of failure we experience into a higher vibration of acceptance that Love offers. Thank you, Jgirl for living this and showing this to us.

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    1. Jo, thank you as always, for your insightful and uplifting comment!

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  3. Thanks for writing this post - I alway enjoy reading about your daily life examples. So this is my question, if you would've only had the outburst concerning your children and hadn't yelled at Jason, what would've happened then? Maybe hard to tell, but I'm curious.

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    1. I asked Jason this very question the night this all happened, and he told me that even though I'm not normally allowed to yell at the kids, in this particular situation, my outburst was an indication that something had gone wrong. He said he should've stepped in sooner and made sure they were treating me respectfully. Because of that, he said that if I hadn't yelled at him, I wouldn't have gotten spanked for losing my temper at the kids in this instance (I do normally -- but that was a rule I asked for, since I wanted help learning how not to yell anymore, and it has worked wonderfully.)

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  4. Love your blog. You make "me" feel not so crazy. Even though I tell my husband daily I must be crazy. Lol. We are working towards a more serious Dom/sub relationship. thank you for sharing your journey. 😊

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  5. Thank you! I feel crazy sometimes, too. It's okay to be a little crazy. :)

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