Sunday, November 13, 2016

Anger Issues

Hello, and happy Sunday, readers! I hope this finds all of you well.

This week has been a good one here. Jason has been very strict with me, but I haven't gotten into trouble. Well, not real trouble. I did get spanked over the damn election, but it was a preemptive spanking. I'm sure many of you feel the way I did, that no matter what the results of this past election, emotions were running high. It was a very difficult week here in America, I think. I knew a lot of people who were hurt. Several reached out to me. Many I knew were angry with one another (and still are). I stayed out of the fray myself, but by Wednesday night, I was pretty wound up. Jason came home and I muttered under my breath something like, “why don't these kids throw the damn trash in the barrel instead of beside the barrel?” I was getting snappy and irritable. He merely did the one-eyebrow raise thing, crooked a finger, and took me in the bedroom. I went a bit reluctantly, because I knew what was coming. Jason and I know each other really well. He knew I was wound up, I know what he does when I'm getting close to the edge, and he was pretty stern-looking. He shut and locked the door, wasted no time in sitting on the edge of the bed, and drew me straight across his knee. Then off came the belt.

The belt is so sexy-scary for me. The jingle, the whoosh, it's wrapped around his waist and such an icon of discipline... well, off it came. He doubled it over, bared me, and gave me a few really good smacks. Naturally, I protested. It went something like this.

“What did I do? I didn't break any rules! Oooow!”

“Nope. You didn't break any rules. And I'm not punishing you. What I am doing is reminding you what happens if you do break a rule, and you're getting awfully close there.”

A few swats later, and I was subdued and in my submissive place. He released me, I fell to my knees, and told him all that troubled me. It helped.

I have lot on my plate right now, but thankfully things are at an even keel. Things are great with the kids, everything is falling into place with my work. I'm even entering this winter at the lowest weight I've been in eight years. We went on a date last night and enjoyed the heck out of it. I feel very blessed, and happy with where things are. There are challenges – aren't there always?-- and nothing is perfect. But part of the reason I am happy is that he is so strict with me. Because he is, I know I am important to him. And as my Daddy, he's attentive to my needs to be nurtured, as well. Today, I got caught up in a few things and delayed our check-in. As I kissed him good-bye, on my wait out the door, he beckoned a finger to me. I came over, bent down to kiss him while he sat in his chair, and he pulled my hair back, kissing me back. Then he waved a finger at me. “You behave yourself today, young lady. Come home safe to me.” I smiled. It makes me happy.

As I sit here and type, my kids are busy occupying themselves with various things, I've got Sunday dinner simmering on the stove, and I'm still glowing from a very delicious check-in. Life is good.

But are things always smooth? Well, no. I mentioned in my last blog post that I wanted to write about arguing with Jason, and how we handled it. Now, it is true that we don't really fight. Voices very rarely get raised. A few terse words are about as far as we get. Is it because we always see eye to eye? No. Part of the reason fights are rare is because we communicate so frequently, and are pretty good at telling the other if something is bothering us. Part of the reason is that we don't have a power struggle here – he calls the shots, and I obey. But part of the reason is that because of TTWD, we are able to ward things off before they escalate.

A few months ago, Jason and I got into a disagreement. We were out with family, and he was recounting a story about something that had happened with our children. I knew he was going to refer to something that I wanted to keep to myself, and I had good reason to. So I discreetly whispered, “Please stop this story here.” He continued, so I whispered again, “I don't want to discuss this. Please, don't.”

He laughed and said something like, “Oh, you're overreacting,” and proceeded to tell the story anyway. I was mortified. It was not funny. And because he didn't listen, when I very quietly and submissively requested he not continue the story, I was hurt. But I waited to talk to him, because we didn't have the privacy we needed.

On the way home, I whispered to him, “I have something I need to talk to you about.” He nodded, so I told him why I hadn't wanted him to tell the story, and that I was hurt that he didn't respect my wishes. In my opinion, looking back at this, Jason was wrong. Doms aren't perfect. Neither are submissives. Imperfect people make mistakes.

He apologized, but I was still hurt. He hadn't really understood my point, but after I explained it to him, he understood better. He reached for my hand and squeezed (we were driving, our kids in the back, as we talked quietly to ourselves). So I said to him, “I appreciate you apologizing. But I need a little time to cool off. I'm still pretty hurt.”
He nodded, and said, “That's understandable.” He paused, then said, low enough that the kids wouldn't hear, “But you know if you hold onto this and act out on it, what will happen.” I did. I knew that holding onto a grudge and snapping at him, or something similar, would get me spanked. I didn't want to do that, but I did need a little space. He nodded, and squeezed my hand again. A moment later, low enough so they wouldn't hear again, he said, “Are you still my babygirl?”



And that was all it took. He heard me. He understood. He apologized. I didn't act disrespectfully. Nor did I hold it all in and let it fester. He wants me to bring all my emotions to him. He wants to know where I am. Being understood like that made it much easier to move past my hurt feelings and forgive him.

Now what if I had been the one to continue the story after he asked me not to? I would've gotten spanked, no doubt, because as a submissive, I'm obedient to him and required to be respectful.

Isn't that a double standard? Well, yeah. But it is this way because we aren't equals. We are equals in worth. Both of our opinions carry equal weight. We are not equals in authority. Since I defer to him as the authority here, I am the one who is disciplined if necessary. I don't want an equal marriage. I much prefer being taken care of and protected. I am far happier with him in charge. It turns me on that he's authoritative. The other day I overheard him speaking a bit sternly to one of his employees. He said, in that steady, serious way of his, “I'll let it go this time, but you know I don't want this to happen again.” It set my heart to pitter-pattering! It's how I'm wired. And I have less than zero interest in spanking him (with all due respect to those who swing both ways, it's just not my thing). So this is how we handle conflicts or arguments, most of the time. Sure, tempers flare from time to time. But most disagreements come from miscommunication or misunderstanding, and having a working D/s dynamic in place helps us navigate through the challenges we face when both of those things happen.

There was a time when he wasn't so steady, though. In recent weeks, a number of you have written to me asking about anger and dominance. Jason has said on this blog that when we began, he found he was a lot more angry than he was before we began. I asked him if he'd offer a little perspective on anger and dominance, so this is Jason's contribution:

“Frequently, anger is a result of false expectations. If I expect something to be some way and it isn't, I end up feeling angry and frustrated that things aren't what they should be. Sometimes I'm even frustrated with myself. So when we first began this, I would sometimes get angry when things weren't working out the way I expected. It took time, patience from Jgirl, talking through things, and more experience before I was able to adjust my expectations.

I also found that because I was now the leader, I was having to tap into my inner dominance on a regular basis. It's a lot of responsibility, and sometimes I wasn't able to rein in my dominance the way I am now. I wasn't able to keep my anger in check as easily. Having to always be “on,” and in charge made me resentful at times. I missed not having that responsibility. Over time, I have found it much easier to not get angry, and I rarely feel that anger like I used to.”

I hope that helps a bit, to those who asked the question.

And that's about it here for now, folks. I have some writing to do, and some preparation for the week ahead. Going to stay on track, and ride this check-in and warmed bottom all day long. I hope you all have a restful weekend, and enjoy this lovely transitional time of year. Happy spanking.


16 comments:

  1. Very encouraging post Jgirl, thank you! My hubby and I are still working through this very thing with each other, and he is still finding his footing with his authority over me, but together we have come a long way with our disagreements over the last year since starting our TTWD from screaming at each other to simply sitting down and telling each other how we feel and figuring things out from there calmly.

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    1. I think it's something we always work on, but with practice it gets easier. It is nice to look back at the little steps we've made and see the growth. Awesome job on communicating more clearly! <3

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  2. Hi Jane, Another lovely post that shows the great understanding you two have. Sorry that this time Jason got it a bit wrong, but no one is perfect and this lifestyle is hard
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Jan, thanks as always for stopping by. I agree that no one is perfect and this is not an easy lifestyle to live!

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  3. What a gift a peaceful marriage is. Lovely post!

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  4. Hey J Girl, thank you for sharing this post, as always, you're so relatable and you shed wonderful insight. My partner and I have been experimenting with a D/s relationship for the last few months. He is the more naturally dominant of the two of us, so developing this sought of relationship was logical progression for us. We are both in our 20s, so this is drastically different to relationships we have experienced in the past. Our two most important rules relate to honesty and safety, and I have been told that if I am ever caught in a lie or have done something that compromises my safety, my punishments will be harsher than anything experienced to date (ouchie!). We have discussed that whislt he is not subject to rules as I am, honesty and safety are of utmost importance for him too. I was wondering, in the event that Jason does something or behaves in a way that would warrant your most serious punishment (like lying or compromising his safety in our case), how would you work through things? I can't imagine ever spanking my partner as it completely goes against the dynamic in our relationship. Hoping you can shed some light on this for this for me. Great to have you back!!

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    1. Hello, Kathryn, thanks for stopping by and for your thoughtful question. I'll do my very best to give you my personal opinion.

      Jason has done some things that would indeed earn me a very serious spanking. As you have said (and I mentioned something similar earlier in this post), spanking him is not something that is an option for us, for a variety of reasons. So what to do, then? It is hard for a submissive to obey rules in place if the dominant himself does not follow said rules.

      So, we look to why we do this. First, Jason and I choose this lifestyle because we find it erotic, and that appeals to us. The power exchanges is deeply attractive to both me and Jason. He loves being the one in charge and I love him being in charge. So there's that. We prefer the intentional imbalance of power. So taking steps to make us on equal footing simply doesn't appeal to us. That said, we are also in this to bring peace and intimacy in our marriage. With that in mind, if Jason does something that would get me punished, it only makes sense that he then take steps to restore the intimacy and peace in our marriage. Submissives often find receiving a spanking for disobedience is actually very satisfying, even if it hurts and we dislike it in the moment. We feel that there is closure for the breach, forgiveness for our infraction, drawn back to the intimacy and love our partner has to offer. So how do we achieve the same end if the dominant is the one who has caused the breach?

      Jason always begins by apologizing. The very day after I posted this article, Jason did something that hurt me. It was very difficult for me not to lash out, but I was able to tell him he was wrong, and take my leave so that I could keep a lid on my temper. Shortly thereafter, he called me to him and apologized "for being a jerk." Gotta admit, I agreed with him lol. But I accepted the apology. Even the next day again, he apologized and I told him I forgave him.

      Dominants don't have the "privilege" of being able to put an end to something with a spanking. He doesn't have that closure. He has to rely on my actions to give him that forgiveness and knowledge that it is behind us. So for my part, I don't harbor resentment and forgive him readily when he asks for it.

      There have been a few times when he made it up to me by being extra sweet. Little acts of reparation, I guess you could call them. Here in our house, if one sibling does something hurtful toward another, we often require an apology and then "make it up to them." Penance, if you will. He has, at times, gone out of his way to do this by buying me flowers, taking me on a date, or spending some extra time doing something with me that I enjoy. It is very rare that these types of things happen, as it's more likely a very minor blip like what I described happened earlier this week. But, it does happen, and it is his job to apologize, to make up for it, and mine to make sure he knows he's forgiven.

      I hope that helps. :)

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    2. Thank you so much for your response, it was very helpful :)

      Like you and Jason (I think), for us, for us this dynamic stemmed from what we found erotic and fun, and then it progressed naturally. We do communicate very well so I imagine that should a situation arise, I would do my best to deal with it the way you've just described. We are still trying to find our feet with it all as it is still so new, but I'm sure with practice as time goes on, things will begin to fall more into place!

      Chat soon!

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    3. Hi, Kathryn, you're very welcome. Yes, we progressed from erotic/fun discipline to something more serious, as the erotic stuff made us both crave something a bit more serious.

      It is always a work in progress! Over time, many can find their feet, as you've said. I feel Jason and I have (where both are satisfied with the level of power exchange with few instances of trial and error). It is great to think these things through, though!

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  5. I love this so much! This is perfect timing. Daddy (my husband) and I are still in the newish phase. We've been doing it for almost 2 years, but due to many different things (mental health challenges, pregnancy then new baby, work schedule and home schedule conflicts, young children, etc. . . . I mean you know) we don't really get to actually do it how we want to. It seems kind of on again off again even though we don't intend it do be that way. But recently Daddy brought it up to me (and has said it before) when I asked why he doesn't usually follow through when I've been disrespectful or yelled when I'm upset with him about something, (I'm a short fuse, actually you remind me of myself when you share about how you were before doing this) that he has a hard time punishing me because he feels that it's his fault for whatever it is so he can't punish me. I've brought up to him that we agreed for me to be respectful and not yell and those sort of things and that even if he is at fault for what happened I still shouldn't act that way towards him. He understands that, but due to issues from his past he has a hard time with actually being able to do it. I had a point to this but it's late and it got lost. lol! Anyway, I think this might help him and both of us.

    We both love your blog and we both love your relationship. Our goal is to be our own version of what you have someday. We also have great communication, and it helps so much! I just have a fiery personality and am still learning how to use it to be a good Sub. It's gonna take time but I'm so not patient! Especially with our place in life right now with little ones.

    Anyway, I think I've started to ramble. Thanks for writing!

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    1. Hi, Maggie! This is such a common issue, especially early on, and we had the same issue ourselves. I'd like to offer you (and your Daddy) our take on this.

      When these things happen, Jason makes an effort to separate the issues. He will say something like, "I was wrong, and I know why you reacted the way you did. But because we have a rule here that you are to respect me, I'm still going to punish you for not respecting me." Now, that might seem unfair to some, but I much prefer he behave that way, because I hate how I feel when I've acted out toward him. It makes me feel just awful inside. I usually WANT him to punish me for my behavior, because then I feel the closure that I need, and I feel I'm forgiven. I also like the incentive to keep being respectful to him, and knowing he is capable of enforcing high expectations is something that I really like.

      There have been a few times he didn't want to spank me because he felt he caused the actions to begin with, and he has said something like, "I will not punish you for this, as I don't think you deserve to be punished. But if you will feel better if I spank you, then I will spank you so that we can put this behind us." And he's given me a sort of role-affirmation spanking that brought us closer together again, and typically leads to even more fun things. :)

      I wish you the best as you focus on your own journey. I have a few little ones here, too, and I know how challenging that can be!

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing! Your thoughtful posts have a way of inspiring great conversations in our marriage.

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    1. Thank you. I'm so happy to hear that!

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  7. Hi JGirl, a helpful post again. Thank you for your honesty. I hope to get to this point without the screaming and fighting :(, hugs Bibi

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    1. Bibi, you will get there! It's never perfect, but with little steps along the way, you will make progresss. One baby step at a time. (((hugs)))

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