Sunday, November 20, 2016

Four years later -- a reflection

Hello, and Happy Sunday, dear readers!

Wow, what a whirlwind of a week here. Many thanks to those who popped by to say hello to me on Love OurLurkers day. Also, thanks to those who have decided to join my private group. We had some techie issues with allowing people in the group now, but they've been sorted. If you are interested in joining, you'll have to friend me on Facebook (settings have been adjusted so that you can, sorry about that), and then let me know you'd like to be added. Details in the linked post here.

I like to spend a bit of time reflecting when we come to November. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, then the festivities of the holidays, and a new year looming. I always love a new year. Since I'm such a type-A kinda girl, I love making goals and working my way toward achieving them. Last year I set some pretty lofty ones and gosh, what a year this has been. Jason and I were just talking about this the other day. It's really neat to come to the end of this year so much more confident in my role as a submissive, a writer, a spanko. Though Jason and I are still very discreet, making the connections I have this year has been such a blessing. Thank you to all who made that happen.

But what is fun for me to reflect on this time of year is our DD anniversary. It was four years ago this month when I got up the nerve to ask Jason to spank me and just right after that when he punished me for the first time. Things have progressed so much since then. It was some months in that we really began to “own” this (due, in part, to the fact that we already had a pretty solid dominant/submissive structure in place). It was such a natural fit for us that when we began DD, things ignited so quickly it was only several months later that I called him Daddy and the following year he collared me.

How have things changed since then? Well, the first year there was a great deal of communication, and Jason growing into his role as Dom and me growing into my role as submissive. There were some seriously low lows and at least one time when we thought we were never going to pull this off. We both had to compromise, both had to learn from the other, and both had to embrace the very heart of what a working D/s relationship is all about: mutual self-giving. And over the years, we've grown in that.

In the second year, as we progressed deeper into the power exchange, we started to see what our “flavor” was. We tried some really kinky things...and they did nothing for either of us. We realized we needed way more communication than we had already in place, and Jason initiated our morning check-in's. So, out with the kink, in with the systems in place that make this all work. Jason came up with a way of communicating without our kids or anyone else being too privy to anything, we invested in some very quiet implements (ouch), and I got more involved with getting to know others in the D/s community. We realized that we were a more role-based rather than rules-based couple, and we began to work toward finding out what that meant to us.

(This is from Etsy. Love it.)
By the third year, things were pretty smooth, but I was still getting in trouble with a great deal of regularity. You could say Jason sure as hell had found his footing as a Dom. Hardly a week or two would go by without me getting a really good spanking, sometimes multiple times a week, and a few times more than once a day. I tried. I really did. But I had a lot to learn. We both did. I never felt he was over-the-top when he punished me, and I am so thankful he pushed through and remained consistent and firm, encouraging me to keep on trying to obey what he expected.

By the fourth year, this past year, I'd learned to obey him intuitively. Does that mean every time? Well, no. Someone recently questioned me on this and misunderstood, thinking that when I said intuitively I meant blindly. There is a huge difference in blind obedience and intuitive disobedience. Blind obedience is obedience without thinking. Intuitive obedience means that I obey as a habit. I certainly do think things through, and sometimes even tell him no. (Does that shock you? Well, I know Jason's value system and I also know that sometimes he says things that he doesn't really mean. So once in a while, he says something off the cuff. He did just last week. In the heat of the moment, he said “You tell so-and-so x, y, z.” And I simply said, “No, I'm not going to tell them that,” and explained why. He was not angry. I did not get into trouble. We talked it out.)

Since I'm not allowed self-deprecating thoughts, my self confidence by year four grew tremendously. I needed that. Because I grew up in a house where one parent raised me to feel as if I could do nothing right, it actually did take years of Jason working with me to get me to see my own value. I feel freer, happier than I ever have been. I was able to achieve some seriously amazing goals, and that thrilled me, thanks to Jason holding me accountable. It's been amazing to see how supportive of my writing Jason is (he doesn't read the books, but he does give me lots of ideas, listen to me talk about things, and give me lots of inspiration!),

By year four, I don't get spanked very often for discipline anymore. He certainly does spank me if he thinks I need it, and I really still hate being punished, but still crave it, more so than I ever did. Weeks, even months go by without serious punishment now, due to lots of reasons. First, I just know what he expects of me. Second, we communicate so often and effectively, that we are often able to ward off potential issues that might surface. I'm given daily maintenance still, and whenever he thinks I'm getting close to getting in trouble, that maintenance gets extra firm. That's what happened this week.

I was laying next to Jason and told him about a few things I'd forgotten. I snuggled up on his chest and the conversation went something like this.

“Well, I may have forgotten a few things...” I said, in a little voice.

Jason gave me the pursed-lip, serious look. “Oh?”

“Wellll...I forgot my supplements that help me sleep and that's why I was up at three and couldn't go back to sleep. And...I may have forgotten a few other things.” I fessed up.

“Clearly, you need a good spanking before I go to work.”

I sighed. “I sure hate that rod.” (I do, I do, I really really do.)

He frowned. “I know. I'll use the brush instead.”

I groaned. “Ohhh, no, please don't use the brush!” (Much worse! Burn it!)

“Fair enough. I'll use the eraser.” (Noooo. That's the rubber paddle-like eraser. It buuuurns.)

At this point I simply sighed and pouted a bit. “There is nothing good that is coming out of this conversation.”

“Good behavior. Good behavior is the good coming out of this conversation.”

And sure enough, before he left for work he called me to him, put me over his lap, and gave me a good, thorough spanking that I felt all day. But I wouldn't call it a very serious one. It was more of what I'd call a reminder. Those are the ones I get most when it comes to the discipline side of things. But he does take me across his knees regularly because my needs are high.

Just this morning, I was demonstrating a new pair of panties and the next thing you know, I was belly down on the bed, my little skirt up around my naval, my hips arranged just so, as he painted me red with good, hard smacks with his hand. That was delicious.

Where do we go from here, as the year ahead looms? I'm not really sure, honestly, and I'm okay with that. Just the other day someone commented on how quickly my children were growing. I smiled. They are growing quickly. “The days are long but the years are short,” the saying goes, and it's so apt.

I said to her, “It does go by so quickly. All the more reason to enjoy every single day.” And I feel the same is true for me and Jason. I can hardly believe we've been at this four years.

I do know that our dynamic is here to stay. It's far too fulfilling for both of us for anything to change. But who knows what will come in the years ahead. Maybe things will intensify, maybe they will lighten up, or maybe they'll stay about the same. I try not to look too far ahead. I try my best to focus on today, and today, I am so grateful, for so many things. For the friends I've made, both those I'm still in touch with and those I am not, for the gift they were to me. I am grateful for all that Jason has taught me and his complete dedication to meeting my needs. I am grateful for you, my readers, for your support and encouragement, your questions, and the way you share your own struggles and victories that inspire me. 

So on this, our four-year-anniversary, I am especially thankful to you, Jason, for fulfilling my dreams in so many ways. Thank you for the past four years. Here's to many more to come. 


  1. Happy DD Anniversary to you both! Your story is so inspirational! Jgirl, I don't know if I ever mentioned it before to you, but our childhoods were very much the same where one parent, for me, it was my father, told me I would never be good enough, and it spilled over into my marriage, which is why my hubby and I believe so strongly in our dynamic, and are excited to see it flourish over the upcoming years.

    1. Thank you, Meg! I am so happy that you two are dedicated to making your own marriage flourish, and overcoming the difficulty you experienced in your childhood. ((hugs))

  2. I like the appreciation in this post, and many of your others. It's sweet.

  3. Lovely post! I love your honesty; I think it is so important for those who might be new to the lifestyle to realize the type of harmony you write about isn't found overnight. My husband and I have been exploring D/s for about 5 years, and I think it's really only been in the last 6 months that we feel we have truly "found our groove". So much communication, and really work, goes into finding that harmonious place where both are satisfied and happy. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Hi, Molly. I'm glad you have found your groove, and I completely understand that it takes a good deal of time! There are so many reasons why it takes time to figure it all out, but I think focusing on the ways we've grown, and continuing to be thankful for what we do have, is one way to help prevent becoming discouraged. Thanks for stopping by. :)

  4. Thank you for sharing the lovely synopsis of your journey, Jane. It is so awesome that you two have found what works for you. Happy Anniversary...wishing you many more.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

  5. Oh Jane, what a lovey post. I am so glad to have met you out here and hope that you and Jason continue to enjoy this lifestyle for a long time to come,
    much love Jan, xx

    1. Jan, I am so happy to have met you, too, and thank you for your continued support and kindess!

  6. J Girl:
    Yours is the best blog on the internet. Sorry to be late for lurkers.


    1. Rick, I am sure there are blogs out there that are better than mine, but I do appreciate the compliment! :)

    2. There aren't. he's right. jut saying....

    3. You guys are too sweet! ((hugs))

  7. I liked what you said about feeling freer, happier and that you were able to a achieve your goals. I find that D/s has made me feel the same way. I am much more comfortable in my own skin. Having someone to be accountable to makes things happen in such a glorious way. We are even stronger now that we are working on our D/s dynamic. Kitty

    1. Hi, Kitty, I am glad you've experienced a similar benefit of TTWD! It's not easy, but there are for sure some nice payoffs. :)

  8. Lovely post Jane about your dynamic and how it has evolved. Happy 4 years anniversary to you and Jason.

    Hugs Lindy x

  9. Hi :), it's great how you describe the different years. We just started our second year. We would know what we want, our biggest problem is the little time and my sleepiness at the end of the day. At this point he "to nice" ^^.
    Wish you a great sixth year, hugs Bibi

    1. Hey, Bibi. I understand not wanting the nice! The second year was challenging on some levels. Keep working through communicating, and your own submission, the part that you can control. ((hugs))


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