Monday, March 28, 2016

Interview with Dr. Charley Ferrer

Good morning, readers! Today I am re-blogging this excellent interview with psychologist Dr. Charley Ferrer, who answered some questions regarding the psychological aspects of BDSM. I have permission from the author Normandie Alleman to re-blog both posts one and two here. The reason I asked Normandie if I could re-post this interview is because I thought the answers to these questions regarding BDSM easily apply to what we discuss here -- loving Domestic Discipline and consensual Dominance and Submission. Please note: Dr. Charley's opinions aren't necessarily my own, and I have no affiliation with her practice. I do think what she's said here is worth reading, though. 

Thank you, Normandie, for doing this interview and for allowing me to share it here. 





Normandie: This week I was lucky enough to be able to interview Dr. Charley Ferrer, a psychologist with a special interest and extensive experience in BDSM. She’s written books on the topic and even organizes a conference for authors of BDSM. Being a psychologist myself I was thrilled to have the chance to pick her brain and ask her opinions on some of the psychological aspects of BDSM. 
Hi Normandie. Thank you for having me on your blog. It’s always a pleasure to speak with authors and their fans about the work I conduct to help provide education on sexuality and dominance and submission in particular.
Normandie: How did you develop an interest in the psychology of BDSM?
Dr. Charley: I didn’t initially go out seeking knowledge on BDSM. To me, these were desires I needed to keep secret so I wouldn’t be seen as the weird one or “troubled child” as I had been deemed as a teen when these desires first came to light to my family.
While working on my Masters in Counseling Psychology, one of the couples I was treating desired to experience spankings. I gave my permission. My classmates and professor—well, to say they disapproved would be putting it mildly. They felt I should be treating his pathology and referring her to a battered woman’s shelter, when all he wanted to do was spank her a little. At that moment, it became a “mission” for me to learn all I could about dominance and submission not only to help others, but to discover it for myself and make sense of all the feelings I’ve had since I was a child and others were experiencing.
Maslows_Hierarchy_of_Human_Needs
Normandie: Considering Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where physiological needs like food, water, and shelter would account for our most basic needs, and love and belonging is in the middle, with self-actualization at the top, how would you adapt that to create a hierarchy of needs as they relate to BDSM?
Dr. Charley: I’m going to touch upon the most important aspects because this questions itself can be a 10-page response.
In BDSM the hierarchy of need is:
Trust: without it, there can be no true connection between a Master/Mistress and their submissive/slave. Though most see it as the submissive being the one that needs to trust the Dominant, I believe it’s even more imperative for the Dominant to be able to trust the submissive.
Acceptance:  that who you are, whether Dominant or submissive, will be honored and respected; where your need to surrender or control is meet in various ways
Shelter:  where your truths will be kept secret from prying eyes and you will not be unmasked to the world, your family, or friends–where your D/s needs are not acceptable
Love:  where you’ll receive the aftercare you need
Sex/orgasm & subspace: are at the bottom of the list as only in romance novels is that the driving force of a relationship.
At the very top of all the hierarchy, what’s most important–as it is for every person in the lifestyle or not–is self-actualization. It is realizing that your soul requires more and you reach for it. Like gays and lesbians, many men and women who have D/s desires are in the closet—the leather closet; fearful of the prejudices and retribution which they’ll experience if others learned of their healthy normal desires and needs for a more primal passionate connection.  It is this self-actualization which will help them grow, heal and come to terms with who they are.
You don’t suddenly wake up one morning and decide, “I’m kinky!” Yes, there are those that read a book, watch a movie, and want to “play” at kink and have fun. For others, it’s in their blood, in their psyche, it’s the core of who they are whether or not they allow themselves to embrace it.
Many individuals enter the D/s lifestyle thinking they will give up control to another and not worry about responsibilities and their lives will be “perfect”. (Although their version of what it means to truly surrender is false as it’s limited to ONLY those things they wish and the level they wish.) Others enter demanding surrender and wanting to exert control to appease their restlessness and lack of balance in other areas of their lives. These are not self-actualized individuals! However, the good and healthy aspect of this is that they are searching for their connection and exploring as they find their way.
As you make D/s connections with others—and more importantly yourself—you will find the core of who you are and at that point, all your hierarchical needs will fall into place and be there for YOU to accept, deny, embrace and give yourself over to, and come to terms with, in order for you to fully comprehend the depth of your soul and who you truly are as compared to who you want to be and what you wish to share with others. At that point, you’ve found nirvana—inner peace—and your true core self.
Note: the hierarchy structure may vary based on whether the person is a Dominant or submissive.

WarmMaster
Normandie: How does someone know when their sexual desires/interests are “normal” and when they need to ask for psychological help? Or is there ever a time when a person needs to seek help because they have “unusual” sexual appetites?
Dr. Charley: Let me preface this with the fact that any actions that are non-consensual, forced or coerced are not healthy, are pathological, and even criminal. This is when you should seek treatment!  Others, should seek guidance when their consensual desires or their thoughts negatively affect their ability to work or care on a relationship.
We are sensual sexual human beings no matter how much we try to deny it or control it through our religion, government, or societal dictates. In fact, it is this very control that pathologizes sexuality and creates mental health issues such as depression, self-hatred, criminal acts, and more.
Freud spoke about the Thanatos side of human nature, that primal beast within us “that we try so hard to bury in our subconscious and never let it see the light off day. It is this very burial—this denial—of who we are and our desires which causes pathology; that has us ostracizing others or committing hate crimes because someone expresses their love in a way our society, religion or government has taught us is not acceptable or “normal.” Dominance and submission is not a new desire nor a new phase in our global sexual history; it has been with us since the beginning of time. It’s why Vampire stories are so popular, and why the forbidden is so appealing.
It should also be noted that “normal” implies judgment. “Norm” means common or average”. And thus no BDSM is not the “norm”, however I would say, it’s practiced by everyone at some point in their life to varying degrees. But that’s another topic. Let’s move on to address your question on what is “normal” sexual desire.

Normandie: Some people report being overly interested in some aspect of BDSM (Bondage or spanking for example) from an early age. What do we know about the role or nature vs. nurture when it comes to how we identify certain sexual preferences? Is it like sexual orientation in that we are hard-wired for it, or is it something that we learn? 
Dr. Charley: I do not believe people are “overly” interested in a specific aspect of BDSM from an early age, I believe they’re merely connecting with their sensual and sexual desires as well as their core dynamic of being dominant or submissive though they do not have the “sensual” awareness nor emotional/psychological awareness of what it all means.
Let me give you an example: we start our life in bondage—“swaddling clothes” are placed on a baby when they’re born giving the infant the same feeling of protection and safety he or she experienced in the womb—a tight bound feeling. We receive spankings as a form of punishment as a child, and make a connection with a “loving” parent figure who’s merely looking out for our growth and well-being.
Nature or nurture can be seen in all aspects of our psyche as it can be in BDSM. As a sexologist I see it from one perspective, as a psychotherapist I can see it from another, as a woman, mother, lover, etc each has their own—both positive and negative. For instance, some psychologist and sociologist will say, “that person is a masochist because they were beaten as a child”. The same can be said of a sadist. However, if they addressed it from a sexological perspective they’d ask a more significant question, “Does the individual like pain because of the endorphins flowing through their body, the connect of acceptance and affection they feel from the person administering the stimulus, or are they doing it to feel stronger and more in control, feel they’ve accomplished a feat other’s couldn’t (like with athletes and the “no-pain no-gain” mentality).”
And what is commonly stated after a child receives a spanking or a harsh verbal reprimand?
“I’m doing this for your own good.”
“I’m doing this because I want you to be better and expect more from you.”
“I’m doing this because I love you.”
And in those declarations, the individual sometimes finds comfort, acceptance, encouragement and the will to do better—be more.
Thus, here is your “nurture” without labeling it positive or negative as in actuality, it is a little of both.  And before you jump on the bandwagon of those who believe the only reason someone is into D/s is because they’ve experienced abuse or trauma in their past, consider the men and women whom have never experienced a spanking in their life and who’s partners didn’t use harsh words to hurt or crush their ego. Those individuals who desire the belt; who want the confinement of control; for these it would be nature that drives them.
Regardless of how they came by their desires, our desires are all normal aspects of ourselves and our true human nature. It is healthy when we share it consensually with others. It is unhealthy and pathological when we force or coerce others to accept our demands for dominance or submission.
bondage rope
Where I think people need help from a therapist—a kink friendly and KNOWLEDGEABLE therapist, is when their core desires battle with their religious or cultural needs and they need a little help in finding a healthy balance between the two. I provide counseling and Mentorships for individuals who seek to come to terms with their true nature; because without doing so, their life will feel out of control and they will experience negative issues in their, including mental illness.as they struggle with their core beliefs and what others demand of them. This dichotomy and internal struggle is what creates pathology, depression, self-destructive behavior, hatred and intolerance of self and others.
I want to make a point about therapists and psychologists. There are many that claim they are “kink friendly”, however, they may later try to help you “overcome” your BDSM desires to “make you better and help you overcome the problems these inappropriate feelings cause”. These are not kink-friendly therapist. They are judgmental jerks who are using therapy as their moral platform and should be ashamed of themselves and NOT treat kinky people or get better educated.  When seeking counseling, ensure to find a  “Kink Knowledgeable & Accepting” therapist who KNOWS what dominance and submissive really is and can truly help you make peace with your desires without judgment. There are a few of us out there.
Normandie: If you could give some advice to someone who is just starting to explore BDSM what would it be? 
BDSM
Dr. Charley: I would recommend you read non-fiction books such as my book, BDSM The Naked Truth which provides you with the foundation you’ll need to get started in the D/s lifestyle as well as some advanced education. There’s also a list of reference books and resources to help you. Join a D/s organization in your area and attend Munches. Avoid online kink chatrooms as 90% of those participants wouldn’t know a flogger if it spanked them in the ass. And don’t be afraid to explore and ask for help. So many emotions will crop up and overwhelm you. (no pun intended)  It’s great to have a Mentor (not lover) that can help guide you and help you make sense of things, allowing you to grow and blossom into the sensual human being you were always meant to be.
Join us at BDSM Writers Con, now annually in Everett Washington and New York City where you’ll discover the various aspects of dominance and submission in a safe no-pressure environment with other readers and authors who are just as curious. We provide over 30-hours of workshops and live demonstrations taught by experienced BDSM Experts. We also hold a Dungeon night and several Mix & Mingles to have you hang out and have fun with your favorite or soon-to-be-favorite authors.
BDSM
And if you’re more interested in personal private instruction or which to learn in a group setting, I host in-depth BDSM Mentorship programs and weekly Live Chat groups on BDSM. Plus, you can always take one of my eCourses in the privacy of your own home or laptop.
Thanks Dr. Charley for sharing your thoughts about BDSM with us! We hope you’ll come back again soon. 

 About Dr. Charley

Dr. Charley Ferrer Psychology BDSM
Dr. Charley Ferrer is a world-renowned Clinical Sexologist & Sex Therapist. She has been researching, exploring, and enjoying BDSM for over twenty years. She provides private D/s Mentorships for individuals and couples interested in discovering BDSM and claiming their full sensual identity and divinity. Dr. Charley is the host of BDSM Writers Con the only conference dedicated to authors and readers of dominance and submission. She hosts retreats throughout the US and overseas for women and couples. Visit her website at:  www.DoctorCharley.com orwww.BDSMWritersCon.com or contact her at DoctorCharley@DoctorCharley.com for further information on her retreats and Mentorship programs.


Normandie Alleman 

A former psychologist, Normandie has always been fascinated by human behavior. She loves writing quirky characters that are all too human. "I'm interested in the kind of relationships people have in real life. So I write about my characters' messy, unpredictable, and inexplicable journeys to love."

If there were another 5 hours in the day, Normandie would spend more time needle-pointing, felting, and playing with photography. Instead, she's a Pinterest addict and sports junkie who lives with her hunky football playin' husband, a passel of children, and her pet pig who's crazy for Red Bull.

To receive email notifications about Normandie's new releases sign up here: http://eepurl.com/tECW5 or for SMS text alerts - text RACYREADS to 24587. Normandie Alleman's Amazon author page:  

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Collaring

Good morning, readers! It's warming up here and spring is coming, which leaves me hopeful and grateful. I love the new beginning spring has to offer, longer days, and warmer weather, and all the possibilities that lie ahead. 

Also, many thanks to those of you have supported me in my writing endeavors. Things are going so well, and I have to say that writing these books and sharing them with all of you is a dream come true. So, thank you.

Today I'd like to discuss a topic that I've intentionally avoided discussing in detail for some time: collars.

Why have I avoided this discussion? My blog tends to draw a lot of DD-based readers and collaring is a controversial subject among the DD-crew.

Now, why do I distinguish between DD-based and D/s based? For our purposes here, I make the distinction because those who have a DD flavor in their dynamic tend to favor a rules-based rather than roles-based dynamic. So, yes, the submissive partner may earn a spanking for speeding, but kneeling, or collaring, or submissive exercises for the purpose of increasing submission do not appeal. 

Now, in no way do I want to promote the belief that there are very distinct differences between DD and D/s. I don't believe there are. I think that many who are drawn to a rules-based (or DD) dynamic find that many aspects of D/s appeal to them, and it's not at all uncommon for a couple who begins to incorporate DD into their relationship to realize that they do very much enjoy a bit more than having rules and one partner in authority over the other. Those who incorporate boot camp, for example, may find that they are really looking for more than rules or distinct roles of authority. If boot camp appeals to a DD-couple, it could very well be because they find they want to explore a bit more.

Over the years, as I've made casual reference to my collar, I have to confess I've not received one single negative comment or e-mail, as I anticipated I would. In fact, it's been quite the opposite. Many of you have written to me asking about my collar – what it looks like, where I got it, why I wear it, what it signifies, and how you can get something similar yourself. So I think it's time I address this topic in a way that will reach a broader audience. If you are one that has a strong belief against collaring, you're certainly welcome to share your opinion in the comment section. I only ask, as always, that you be respectful to both me and Jason, and my readers.

So today I'm going to explore this topic first by explaining what I've observed regarding how people feel about collars and why. Then I will share our story, and for those who are interested, I'll share some advice on how to find something that may fit your needs.

When we were beginning, I socialized with quite a few DD-couples, and there were vehement comments made against collaring. I've read comments made by some couples referencing collaring as “degrading, demeaning, and disgusting.” At the time, I wasn't even collared, but found the very strong comments against collaring somewhat shocking. So, I did a bit of probing, as I was quite drawn to the idea of Jason collaring me. And I discovered that there were several basic reasons that people were so strongly against collaring.

First, they viewed a collar something akin to ownership, and stated things like, “I am a free human being and not owned by my husband. It's repulsive to think of myself as a possession.”

Some said that collaring was reserved for animals, and degrading for a human being, because “we are not animals and should not be treated as such.”

Now, I actually don't disagree with either of those opinions. I do believe that they don't apply to collaring in the traditional D/s sense of the word, though.

Certainly we are free human beings. Freedom and consensuality should be at the very base of any healthy D/s dynamic. That said, those of us who are drawn to submission...most especially those who are drawn to deep submission...actually find that relinquishing control brings us freedom. I certainly believe this. If you're a regular reader here, you know that I've relinquished control to Jason in pretty much every area of my life and I love it. I do this freely, unreservedly, not without conscious thought, but after much contemplation and discussion. I trust Jason with my life, and I trust him to guide me in the ways he finds best. We're talking about a man who cares for my wellbeing above his own, who knows every inch of me, from my deepest fears to my my precious hopes and dreams, who knows my weaknesses and strengths, and applies leadership and structure to my life with the express intent of helping me overcome my weaknesses and cultivate my strengths. We firmly believe that when we took our marital vows we united. “And the two shall become one.”

So why would placing a physical symbol of my obedience to him around my neck detract from my freedom? Simply put, it doesn't.

When I say that I belong to him, I don't mean he owns me in the sense of a master owning a slave – and I'm referring to the traditional master and slave terms, not the nuanced differences within D/s. I am not his property. I am a free human being. Jason and I both believe that consensual D/s should honor the human dignity of both partners. When I say I belong to him...when I say “I am his,” I simply mean I am his most precious girl. When I rest in the knowledge that I am his, it's an acceptance of the knowledge that he is my caretaker, my protector, my dragon slayer, and I his “little one.”


Now, the comparison to a collared submissive to an animal is simply false logic, known in philosophical terms as a logical fallacy. A logical fallacy is a flawed argument often perpetuated by arguments that begin, “Because A is so, B necessarily follows.” For example, “Dogs eat out of a bowl. I eat out of a bowl. Therefore, I am a dog.” I once saw a marketing fallacy: “Refined sugar is a simple carbohydrate. Carbohydrates are an essential part of a healthy diet.” The implied conclusion there is, “Therefore, refined sugar is an essential component of a healthy diet.” This is a flawed argument.

Simply partaking in an act typically associated with animals does not therefore make me equal to the animal. Such comparisons are based on faulty logic. Why are animals collared? It's typically for safety reasons. If an animal gets lost, they can be identified with their collar. They're also used so the owner can affix a leash for safety purposes. Jason does not have my name and address on my collar in case I get lost; nor does he snap a leash on me when we go for a walk (yes, people do use leashes with collars in certain kinky settings, but...well, to each his own.)

Why, then, do I wear a collar? Recently, I was asked this question, in reference to how my collar compares to my wedding band. My simple answer was, “My wedding band signifies my commitment to him. My collar signifies my obedience to him.” And there's really not a hell of a lot more to it than that.

When I first learned of collars, I was immediately drawn to the concept. I wanted that special physical reminder of being Jason's. I wanted the reminder of my obedience to him. But his initial reaction was an adamant, “No.” I don't really remember now why he was against them, but I suspect it had something to do with the reasons I listed above. In any event, how Jason came around as sort of interesting. I was chatting with a friend of mine who is a submissive and I explained to her that he didn't want to collar me. She was collared. At the time, she would occasionally chat with him. (I'm not in touch with her anymore...C and S if you are reading this, I miss you dearly!). I have no idea what she said to him, but I do know that as we discussed the idea, Jason's feelings against collaring began to change. I didn't bring it up much. But after a few months, he said he wanted to get one for me.

I was ecstatic. We began to research. I didn't want one that was an obvious collar, but wanted one that was discreet. And I found exactly what I was looking at, a custom-made locking collar from Danielle atSkyewire designs on Etsy.  Mine is the sterling silver day collar, and the lock is permanent. In April, it will be two years since Jason collared me, and this collar still looks like new. In two years, I have never removed it. It came with a polishing cloth and a few replacement latches but I rarely need to polish it, and have never had to use the latch (even when traveling. We were worried about TSA on a recent flight but the collar was not an issue at all). Because it's locking, and a potential danger in a medical emergency, I keep a very small pair of wire cutters in my handbag. It sounds serious, but...well, it is.

It is my opinion that collaring should not be taken lightly. A collar is not an accessory but a very real symbol of very real devotion. Things changed when Jason collared me. It was a fairly long process, as the locking mechanism took a while to get just right, and I knelt in front of him when he did it. When he was done...the look in his eyes was one I will never forget. He was dead serious. A friend asked me later what he looked like after he collared me and I told her, “He looked at me as if he were starving and he wanted to devour me.” The description I explained above...how I'm his very special girl? The moment that collar was secured and he looked in my eyes, I knew it. Knew down to the tips of my toes, deep down in my bones I knew that this man would lay down his life for me if necessary. That there is no one he is more devoted to, and that my obedience to him is not a joke or a game, but of paramount importance. I knew then, and every day since the day that he collared me, that every single part of who I am matters to him. It is why I answer to him in every way, why he leads me daily and instructs my every movement. It's because I am his, and his alone.

So many submissives have written to me desiring a physical manifestation of their Dominant's devotion to them. A collar is not for everyone, and it's not the only physical reminder of obedience or devotion. For a while, I simply had a charm on my bracelet Jason had given me, and he would insist on snapping my bracelet on every day. Some have anklets or rings, tattoes or bracelets.

I hope those of you interested in this have found my sharing here helpful. Please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Again, I ask that if anyone wishes to express a contrary opinion to what I've expressed here, that they do so respectfully.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

In Praise of Hand Spanking

Apologies to those who may have already read this little post, as I posted it at my writer's blog first. I didn't want you all to miss out on this lovely picture, so I thought I'd post it here, too. ;) Actually, the picture is *quite* nice, I just have much to do returning to normal after vacation and no more time to blog, so here goes! 





So, I'm sort of into spanking. Ok, scratch that. I'm thoroughly addicted to spanking. I love to be spanked. I read spanking books and write spanking books and happily bare my ass to my husband with ridiculous frequency. He hauls me over his lap at least once a day, and I quite honestly do not tire of it. Ever. And because we usually need to be quiet and don't always have the entire house to ourselves, I'm often spanked with a quiet implement.



Quiet implements are not really very fun. Have you ever heard of anyone waxing eloquent on the joys of a caning, or a switching? I suppose it's possible, but even a diehard spanko like me doesn't find them to be the best of the spanking options. Now, for a girl who likes and even needs to be spanked, the quieter things are certainly worthwhile. I would rather be spanked with a quiet implement than not spanked at all, so the quieter things stay.



A while ago my husband pulled out an implement and I sort of frowned and sighed and he said, “I know, baby. You like being spanked with my hand. And some day, when we have this whole house to ourselves, that's all I'll ever use.”

 I'm holding him to that.


What is it about a hand spanking? Ah. It's intimate. So intimate. There's something about that skin-to-skin contact that is deeply, immensely satisfying. It leaves a sting and burn that literally no other implement leaves. As a diehard spanko married to a man who loves to spank, I've savored the feel of many different implements – the sting of a wooden paddle, the swish and thud of the quieter switchy things, the zing and sensual smack of leather...but there is literally nothing that feels like the hand.



I've heard many question a hand spanking, questioning whether it's effective? Hell yeah, a hand spanking can hurt. There are certain techniques for delivering a hand spanking that are effective, and my husband knows all of them. I can't really say I know what he does except that even a few swats with his hand can take my breath away. Hell, a hand spanking delivered hard enough can even welt. A few months ago, we saw something on Facebook and there was a woman with a perfect impression of a handprint on her ass. My man spent weeks perfecting his technique until he was able to deliver a good, hard smack that results in the perfect red handprint left on my ass. Heh heh. Lucky me.



He's given me over-the-knee hand spankings that I've felt literally all day long, and some I've even still felt the next day. Hand spankings are not wimpy. They can be very, very effective (especially – gah! If delivered in the same spot repeatedly...).



You see, one of the things that draws me to spanking to begin with is the intimacy factor. It's just the two of us, alone, and there's vulnerability in placing myself over his knee. I've been laid over the bed and paddled, and stood against a wall and strapped, bent over the arm of a couch and spanked, or made to touch my toes and switched. And all of the above is satisfying in some way because, as I may have mentioned once or ten times, I'm a diehard spanko.



But nothing is like an over-the-knee hand spanking. When my belly touches his lap, I sigh. He bares me and I tremble. He often places his large, warm hand on my naked skin and talks to me before he spanks me. Depending on the nature of the spanking, what he says varies, but that intimate prelude to a spanking is utterly humbling, sexy, and moving. That first swat and my skin burns, the warmth spreads, and the feel reaches to my core. Every single time he's done spanking me, no matter what he's used, he ends with a thorough massage with his hand. It seals the session, and makes me feel loved and cared for, bringing home that intimacy as he murmurs things like, “That's my good girl,” or, “I love you, baby.”



The other night we returned home from vacation and I craved stress relief. He was happy to oblige, and when the whole house was asleep but us, he had me lock our bedroom door and fetch the acrylic rod, his “go to” because it's quiet, effective, and very easy to regulate. But he didn't just use that. He alternated, several rounds with his hand until my skin was aflame, as I lay prostrate over his lap in bed, vulnerable, in desperate need of releasing my pent-up emotions and stress, and with his hand he laid me bare. I sniffled and wept and just let it all out. I was not sad, or sorry, but needed a good, cleansing cry, and the whole experience was beautifully cathartic. Centering. When he was done, he pulled me off his lap and held me, then tucked me in. I slept like a baby.



I like all manners and flavors of spankings, but in my humble opinion, simply nothing beats the classic.











Sunday, March 6, 2016

Why DD makes a man feel ten feet tall when taking out the garbage.

Posted this two years ago, and I think it's time to bump this up again! 

~~~

Dear readers: Today, I'm posting a guest post, written by an Hoh I know who graciously agreed to write this. He commented from the Hoh perspective, and mentioned how DD makes a man feel ten feet tall. I loved the point he made, and Jason and I agreed he was spot-on. So I asked him if he would mind elaborating a bit on his point, so I could share on my blog a point that I think needs to be made. It's a common theme in the DD community to talk about what we women glean from DD. How about the other side of the coin? I hope you enjoy this post.


~~~
"Why DD Makes a Man Feel Ten Feet Tall When Taking out the Garbage" by Artlover



There was a thread on a forum a while back where a woman discussed how much more attentive and responsible her man had become after they started dd.  She stated: "So even though I'm the one submitting, he's actually serving me more.. it's very odd, and extremely wonderful."



This kind of story is very common once husbands start "buying into" a dd relationship.  This is often a (very pleasant) surprise to the wives.  They start out thinking and hoping in terms of their husband acting with more authority, decision, and confidence.  Along the way they find that there is somehow something different with the way that he goes about taking out the garbage.  Or moving heavy stuff around the house.  Or digging holes for her in the garden.  Or swatting the wasp that is flying around inside.  Or shoveling the snow.



And, of course, they often also find that their husband is much more "romantic" than he was before.  He looks at his wife more, touches her more, and yes, makes love to her more.   



And, clearly, a whole lot of wives love all this.  



In my opinion, this typically all relates to an increase in a husband's sense of, and satisfaction in the exercise of, what for want of a better term I call husbandlyness.   



I am using "wife" and "husband" rather than "TiH" and "HoH" for a reason.  I know that not every couple who experiences this is married.   Nonetheless, I see what the couple is experiencing from the husband here as an expression of masculinity in a most wonderfully stereotypically ideal, politically incorrect "traditional" sort of way, in the context of a stable, committed, relationship.  Such a man is acting as a husband, whether or not he is formally married.  (Note "traditional" in quotes.  It is "traditional" in the sense that it is out of step with the culture's approved views of sex roles in a manner that echoes a supposedly superseded past and which generates a lot of erotic power.  I don't care how traditional dd ever was as a historical fact.).



What happens, IMO, is that the entire relationship becomes eroticized. You see this time and again in the various forums.  Someone (typically a wife) rhapsodizes on how much "hotter" their relationship has become because of dd.  This eroticism is expressed in the context of the sex roles.



Dd is erotic.  Being the husband in a dd couple is erotic.  And it effects how you experience everything that is part of your husbandly role.  You OWN that role.  You are the kind of man a marvelous, grown up, competent, desirable woman will permit to take charge of her.   Send her to bed on time.  See that she gets her exercise in.  Sticks to her diet.   Whatever.  And she will lay out over your lap and let you discipline her to enforce all that.





That is heady stuff.  Even the most vanilla guy, once he does this a little while, is going to start feeling like he is ten feet tall.   Even when he is taking out the garbage.  Because whether you are spanking her, making love to her, or changing the tire on her car, it is all part of being her husband, and you are rocking the roll of husband.  In fact, you are not just "a" husband.  You are "THE" husband.  The one that counts.



Add to this the knowledge that if you want to continue to be that guy, you have to continue to be that guy.  You have to hold up your end of the deal.  I see this vividly in my own marriage.  I am a pretty lazy guy.  But I am never more attentive to everything that is part of the husbandly role than when dd is more prominent in our marriage.  And, of course, if I am not doing what I am supposed to do, there is no way my wife is going to submit to my disciplining her for not doing what she is supposed to do.  A man has to exercise discipline over himself if he wants to be THE husband.  



Now, when even the more mundane aspects of your role as husband take place in this eroticized environment, you end up so into your wife again.  For most couples, after being together "X" number of years, "real life" displaces the spark you had.  Dd, when it really works, lights that fire again.  You can't pass her by in the kitchen without patting her on the bottom or pulling her into a hug.  You find she giggles at the swat, or leans into the hug.  Thousands of people have affairs trying to experience romance again in their lives.  But dd, when it is working, is better at this than any affair, because it takes place in the context of your real life.    



My favorite posts on any dd forum are those in which people describe how, now that they are practicing dd, their friends have noticed something has changed for the better, and want to know what is up.  



When dd works, it is really something.