Sunday, July 31, 2016

My Happy Submissive Place

Good morning, readers. Checking in here on Sunday, and I hope this post finds you all well. Thanks to those of you who have written to me this week. It's been nice catching up on some correspondences, and it's always nice to hear from new people, too. :)

It really amazes me to hear from all of you from around the world. While I've been blogging, I've corresponded with people from so many foreign countries, it boggles the mind. Most of the readers here are from The U.S., Canada, the U.K, and Australia, but far reaching all the way to Germany, India, New Zealand, and South Africa. What amazes me about this is that we are all here in D/s blogland for a reason. We all have similarities that bind us together.

Today I'm going to write about a concept I've shared with many of you, because so many of you told me this resonated with you: my happy submissive place.

I know the feeling well, when I'm not in my place. It's an unsettled feeling, a feeling that something is off. It's not really a sorrow, or anxiety, but rather a sort of longing.

I need Jason.

The past few weeks have shown my need for him clearly. When I got back from traveling, I needed him so badly I could taste it. Fortunately, the D/s draw is a symbiotic type of relationship. It's not always this way initially. In my observation, frequently in the beginning, a submissive in this dynamic craves the dominance more so than the men crave submission. But when a couple fully embraces this dynamic, both partners frequently feel that desire to maintain the power exchange.

So when I returned from being apart from Jason, his desire for me was every bit as strong as mine for him, and it wasn't just intimacy, or being reconnected to one another in the many ways we did, but he needed to dom me. His hands on me when we were alone were possessive and heated, and he wasted no time in bringing me across his knee. When he came to bed, his hands were around my waist, or getting a bit frisky. The commands he gave me were rapid and demanding, and I obeyed each with the knowledge that he needed to do this as much as I needed him to.

Needed to do what? Assert his authority over me. Remind me who was in charge. Remind me of my place.

I don't know if there's any phrase we use that flies in the face of modern-day feminism as much as the phrase being “in my place.”

“You need to be put in your place,” Jason will say, or, “Remember your place,” or “Has my little girl forgotten her place?” (I know “little girl” isn't everyone's cup of tea but I sure love it). At first that phrase grated. It sounds rather chauvinistic. I must confess, though I crave submission and embrace that submission wholeheartedly, I'm not at all averse to modern feminism. I am averse to man bashing (I don't think it's cool to bash any group of people, period) but I also don't think embracing some feminist ideals while maintaining submission is necessarily contradictory. The rights of women in this country were hard-won, and we shouldn't simply toss out our victories and freedom because we long for dominance. Most of us who crave submission value equality. It's the consensual imbalance of authority or power that we really want. There's a difference.

I recently discussed a novel synopsis with an editor from one of the publishing companies I work with. I said to her, “I want to write about a strong, powerful woman who wants to be submissive.”

After I explained more, she explained that she liked this particular synopsis. “Isn't that what it's all about? Dominance and submission?”

Yes.

One of the reasons I love both reading and writing historical fiction is because I adore the contrast between strong, brave, fearless women, and the rugged men they submit to. I just finished my second book that takes place on the American frontier. My research involved reading books and real-life journals written by women who crossed the Oregon trail, and settled in the American west. These were women given away as children into marriage, who buried babies and small children, who watched their husbands go to war and never knew if they'd return. These women left their parents and siblings, never to see them again, who held their own families together when danger, illness, and uncertainty threatened to pull them apart. These women faced major hardship and were expected to submit to the men they wed. What strength of character that took. How does one balance the draw of submission while still fighting for equality? (By the way, if you're interested in how submission may have played out with those in the Suffragette movement, check out my friend Amelia Smarts' Submissive SuffragetteI loved it.).

Modern day women are tenacious as well. It's partly what makes submitting to a man who's earned your trust so delicious. When he knows who you are, and respects that, allowing you to be the strong, intelligent, capable woman you've given your all to achieve, but he takes the reins and allows you the freedom to rest a while, it's so very freeing.

This week I came across a quote I really loved.


It wasn't a quote I read and agreed with right away. I had to give it some thought before I decided whether or not I agreed , but as I thought about it, I found that it was true. Yes. Submitting to Jason is so freeing, because I'm able to be all that I want to be and more. The reasons why are many, and I've written about them before – the mental freedom, the ability to let go of what others expect of me and simply focus on his.



When I'm with him, I'm free to be a lover, and his friend. He allows me to explore my passion for writing, pursuing a career that has been a life-long dream of mine. I'm mother to his children, a gift that delights me every day. Last night in bed, I read stories to my little ones as they snuggled with me, one on each side, and when we were done, Jason stood over us before taking them to their own beds. They were holding onto me, each little head on each of my shoulders, each little hand wrapped around my belly. He chuckled to himself. “Look at them, needing to be with their mama.” These days are fleeting, and I feel blessed to enjoy each moment.

There are so many facets to all of us. I love that being with him allows me the freedom to explore each one of the women that lies within me, the many personas – the the teacher, the friend, the woman who loves her family. The little girl turned woman who is safe with her Dominant, who craves his discipline as Jason's Girl. The romance writer Jane. Every face is different but each one is me.

How does he help me embrace those facets? One way is by not judging who I am, or what I want. Recently, I was holding back from telling Jason something, and I finally decided I wanted to talk to him. It wasn't a confession or something I had to tell him, but something a little different. Finally, one day, I told him. “I don't always like to confess these things to you, because I'm so afraid you'll think I'm weird.” I know he doesn't think that, but the fear really does surface sometimes.

He reached for my collar and tugged it a bit, smiling at me. “This says I don't think you're weird.”

Have I mentioned lately how much I love him? Being understood and accepted is perhaps one of the most beautiful gifts in all of this.

But there are other ways he keeps me happy, and helps me explore all that I long to be. And one of those ways is by keeping me in my happy submissive place.

The latter part of this week, Jason was busy and distant. It happens. He's not a robot, and he's not able to focus all his attention on me. I understand that, of course. But I am required to tell him when I'm feeling off, or I need him, so I did. Late Friday night, he came to bed, and I snuggled up onto his chest and tucked my leg up on him, getting as close to him as I could. He held me and gave me some space to talk. I told him what was on my mind, and he listened, kissing my forehead and really, doting on me. It was lovely and sweet. But I needed more. I was too tired, and so was he, to go to that place of more – a good, long, hard session that put me back in my place.

Usually these days I'm able to communicate my needs, or he knows what my needs are before I ask. Sometimes those needs can be met without landing myself in trouble. But sometimes, I slip. Yesterday, I slipped.

I was trying to make a whole bunch of pancakes...long story. I was flipping pancakes and the time was flitting away, way past the time I normally bring Jason his coffee. It was taking me longer than I'd anticipated (due, in part, to a whole lot of little hands helping). I finally made him his coffee, but my little ones were arguing again, and I sort of lost my mind. Many of you have written to me lately, telling me how you get in trouble if you have kids at home, because they make you lose your temper. I totally understand that. If my little ones are driving me crazy, I'm supposed to compose myself, separate them, go to Jason, or some such thing. They're getting older now and the crazy moments are rarer, but they still happen. I'm not allowed to lose my temper. Well, I did. I went in the bedroom and Jason was awake, quirking an eyebrow at me.

“I know, I know,” I began. Up he got, instructing all the kids to go downstairs, the older ones helping out the younger ones. They were happy to go see Saturday morning cartoons, giving us some privacy. With the air conditioner cranking upstairs and the kids on the other side of the house downstairs, I knew we now had the total privacy that he could do whatever he wanted me to. When they're on the other side of the house and the air conditioning is going, he can take his belt to me and no one hears a thing. So there's no escaping with a little spanking for me then. It was time for a serious spanking, and we both knew it.

I was not in my submissive place. 


It happens. Many people who are in D/s relationships are either single or retired or have no children at home, and the focus is primarily on the couple. This is common, but there are many of us who are in between – small children at home, college-aged children in and out, extended family we live with, etc. And when the needs of the couple must be put on hold to tend to the needs of others, it only stands to reason that occasionally, reminders have to surface.

The heart of a D/s dynamic, no matter where it falls on the range of the power exchange, is the agreed-upon imbalance of power. To some, it's erotic and in bed, to others, a few rules that enforced with mild consequences, but to many, it's the expectation of obedience enforced with serious consequences. Our flavor is roles-based, so the ways he keeps me “in my place” are many and varied, some physical, some emotional, many sexual.

The mental gymnastics I do at this point are quite drastic.

I don't want this.
You'll feel better after this is done.
But it'll hurt!
He loves you.
But it hurts BAD.
Just trust him and it will be fine.
No, no, no, he spanks so hard.
You need him to spank hard!
I don't want him to spank me.
Yes, you do.

He began by making me strip.

That's always intimidating, being taken over his knee totally completely bare. He's my husband of fourteen years, devoted Dom for over three, I've been spanked hundreds and hundreds of times, and still, it's intimidating. He had implements out on the bed I didn't even see until I was belly down over his knee, restrained, and the first searing bite of something (the big huge eraser? God, I hate that thing. The sting is deep and intense, paddle-like) fell. (Edited: I just asked him and he said “Yup. It was the eraser. I like it because it wraps around you like my hand but stings more. Lawdy. Thanks, babe.)

He spanked me until I was begged for him to stop.

Part of me hates when I get to that part.

“Ohh, ow. Please stop! I've had enough. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!” I'm crying now, sniffling into the bedspread as I grasp the covers in my hands. 

I flail and kick my legs but can't get away and really, if I'm honest, I don't want to. If he lets me go now, he's not given me what I fully need. At one point he pauses, massaging my aching bottom. He says softly, “We're not done here yet, little girl,” and the spanking begins again in earnest.  



I'm cringing and groaning, but I need more. I know I need more.

It's not a game we play. I'm not pretending to get away. I really can hardly bear the pain and I want it to stop. But there's a part of me that likes that I can beg for him to stop and try to get away but I can't because he's in charge, and it's not because I'm a masochist. It's because there's a part of me that needs to be taken beyond what is comfortable, far beyond my tolerance because that's when I reach my submissive place. It's not that I need pain to be turned on. It's that I need to know he's got the nerve to take me on.

He's man enough to say screw what everyone else says. It's in this surrender that I know I am strong, because I took that hard spanking and survived, and I accepted the discipline of my hardass, uncompromising man who's got me.

He's got me.

I cry and I cry until I'm done. Exhausted. Submitted. All my fears are swept away now and a weight is lifted. He holds me and kisses my tears away, massages away the pain, and when I'm calm, no longer crying, sweet and soft and at peace, he lifts me up, positions me on the bed on my knees, chest down, arms braced in front of me, and he finishes what he began, taking what's his.

My happy submissive place, I call it, because it's there, in that place of trust, that I'm truly free. Calm. Centered. The physical, mental, sexual, and psychological surrender gives me the space to be all the many things that I am, and all the many things that I long to be.

One time, we were snuggling up in bed, and Jason said, “I like when you're in your place. You know where that is?”

I shook my head. I had an idea, but wanted to hear what he said.

“Right here. Your place is right here, by my side. This is your place.”

My happy submissive place, exactly where I belong.



Sunday, July 24, 2016

Long-distance domming

Hello, and happy Sunday! It feels like a long time since I've blogged, but I guess it's only been two weeks. I've missed blogging!

This has been one crazy week. First, I came back from a trip that was pretty intense – five days apart from Jason and the kids, and a three hour time difference. It was a great trip (writing conference) but boy was I beat. I came home to kids and a hubby that were oh so happy to see me, and that was lovely. But, I had a lot of things to do here when I got back, and got thrown right into a super busy week. I set a really high writing goal and have been working hard. Yesterday, I finally had to take a real break and I did a lot of vegging. Jason is really serious about me not working myself too hard, and I want to avoid that before he has to step in. So, I did, and I'm glad I did.

I was asked before I left, by several of you, how things would work while I was apart from him. I wasn't quite sure myself, as it's been over a year since I've been separated from him overnight, and even then, it was only for one brief night (and HARD). This was nearly five whole days and 3,000 miles. He would've much preferred I stay close to him rather than go that far away, but he's fully supportive of my writing and this trip was so amazing. Besides the actual conference part, where we took workshops on the craft and trade, and we listened to writers talk about the genre, one of the funnest parts of this trip was that I was able to spend a great deal of time with four other writers who write spanking fiction. When else will I get the chance to have drinks with my people? It was truly a blast! I came home renewed, inspired, and exhausted.

So, what did Jason do while I was gone? First, kudos to the man for holding down the fort with my kids. He cooked for them, kept the house picked up, did the whole shebang while I was gone, and without complaint. Sainthood, I tell ya. But as for our relationship? He was on me. When I woke up in the morning, we would talk on the phone. He had me do our check-in's, going over the rules. I was rooming with Maisy who knows our dynamic quite well, so when I would pick up a call for him, she'd graciously leave the room and shut the door and say something like “I'll leave you two alone now.” One day he had me step out on the balcony and after he went over all my rules he said, “And what happens if you disobey?”



“I get a spanking.”

“Say that again? I didn't hear you.” (gah!)

“I get a spanking.”

“One more time, baby.”


Jason!

Throughout the day while I was breaking for lunch and the like, we would check in with one another. He texted me frequently, tucked me into bed with a good night talk and “I love you.” He even texted me a picture of an implement and told me he was waiting for me. I didn't break any rules or get in trouble. I had the time of my life.  I networked. I learned a ton. I brainstormed a whole new series to write with friends. I consider myself incredibly blessed to be immersed in a career that's my passion. The trip was amazing, truly. 

One morning, I woke up early, before Maisy, and was seriously longing for Jason. Our physical distance seemed unbearable. I knew that I'd be okay once the day started and I got busy again. And I was. But I did cry a bit and chat with a friend who was awake. It helped. She told me to put on a brave face (::waves to Megan M. Thank you! You have no idea how much you helped me!::), and that I'd have an awesome time, that very soon I'd be back home with Jason. 

There's no way around it. D/s brings you closer. It just does. Being apart is painful. I know of truly no exception to the rule. But it makes it that much nicer when you reunite.

When I came home, I was so happy to be home. Jason was awesome. He told me to rest, and wasted, uh, no time in getting me alone and having his way with me, which included a good spanking, among other things. I took a nap, and later, he took us all out to dinner. It was the very best way to re-connect. But the very next morning? Boy was I not in my place. 

I'm not really sure there was one reason, but rather a whole pile. Being on my own for a few days? Nearly a week without spanking? Overwhelmed with getting back into the routine? All I know was that he told me not to do something and I just spun right out of our bedroom and ignored him. Yikes. Bad call there. I knew it when I did it but didn't care. I came back upstairs a short time later with my tail between my legs, knowing I was going to pay dearly.

He was waiting for me in bed, arms across his chest, glaring at me.

“Did you just disobey me?”

I had to nod.

“Did you just do exactly what I told you not to do?”

Sigh. I had. Very shortly after this, over the knee I went and I got one helluva spanking. “I fully expected I'd have to put you back in your place when you got back, little girl,” he said later. “But I've gotta admit, I didn't think it would be that quick.” Yikes.

So, I got a good, hard spanking, and he announced it's time to up the ante a bit. That surprised me at first, because it's hard to imagine him upping it that much more at times. It's been nice, though. He's been very strict with me this week, sending me to bed early several times, spanking me good and hard several times (and I needed it). He's been very attentive, and involved in all that I had on my mind. He even took Monday off from work just to help me adjust to being back home. In short, the distance apart was a bit challenging, but mostly, we were able to pick right up because truthfully, we never really left off.

I needed him to Dom me hard when I got back home, but you know what? I truly believe he needed it as much as I did. We were both much happier to be reunited, and both much happier when our dynamic was brought to the forefront.

This morning, I was snuggling up to him in bed.

“It's hard, isn't it?” he asked.

“What's that?” I said.

“Being vulnerable like this. I could hurt you at any time, and I don't just mean spank you. You need to really trust me.”

I nodded. He was right. And I love that he understands all that.

“Yes,” I said. “But I do trust you.”

And that's why this works for us. That's why we are both so happy in our dynamic. It is hard. Hard to trust him, to become vulnerable, and put myself in his care. It's hard for him to put down what he wants to do and tend to my many needs. But knowing I can trust myself to him, and knowing he cherishes my trust means the world to me. He, in turn, knowss I think the world of him.


And that, my friends, is why this works.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Techie difficulties

Hey there, not sure what's going on here! A few posts boosted up to the top that I didn't mean to, and one I meant to didn't. So please bear with me, regular scheduled post coming Sunday!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Short and Sweet


Hello, readers!


So things have gotten a little off kilter this week, since I've been so crazy busy. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I haven't been doing a lot of what keeps me sane. Jason knew this and it wasn't a cause for trouble. He's been cutting me slack because I was so busy. But then finally, he put his foot down. It looked like this.

Jason: "Ok, little girl. You are awfully cute, and I've tried to be lenient with you. But, you know, that's not always what's best for you."

Me: "This is true. I sorta really didn't have a good day. I forgot x, and didn't do y, and really should've done z."

Him: pulls me over and gives me a few really hard spanks. "You see that? That's what's going to happen but much more if tomorrow looks like today."

Phew. What a *relief.* And so, the next day was MUCH better. And we had a fairly telling moment that's really indicative of how this lifestyle works.

I was told under no uncertain terms to come to him with my to-do list in place, my meal plan in place so I wouldn't scarf down the entire delicious bag of trail mix, and to check in on time. I did all that he asked. And after he read through everything, he changed my list up and put it in order.  

 "There," he said. "That's so much better. I've been easy on you but I know this is so much better for you. And I'm much happier now, knowing that you're in a good place."

Boy did that feel good to hear that. It was validating. I'd pleased him. But it pleased me to know that he was happier meeting those needs! That's what really struck me. *He* was happier because *my needs* were met. And I was happier that he helped me.

Then he did what he always did. Got out his magic wand (a reader asked what that Is...it's an acrylic tilt wand, similar to a cane but thicker so not quite as severe. We use that mostly, because it's quiet. He rarely uses it hard).

"We've already gone over your rules, little girl. You know what's next." Yup. Bared, and over the knee. 

I asked him ahead of time to please warm me up first, because I really needed a good spanking. He did. Then he proceeded to give me a really thorough spanking. Boy did I need that!

I stuck to my plan and got everything done. It was lovely. And we even got a date in. :)

Short and sweet post, folks. I've got much to do today, traveling this week, and my man is waiting. I'm actually traveling without him, and next week, I'll tell you all how that goes. I miss him already. Wish me luck!

Monday, July 4, 2016

When you're not alone -- how to make this work with little privacy

Hello, readers. Thanks again for all the support with Saturday's post! It's been really fun hearing from you, and I am so appreciative of all your encouragement. Y'all are gonna give me a big head! What a wild ride this whole writing shebang has been. 

I set this post to go live last night, and I'm not quite sure why it didn't. I'm sorry about that! This might read a bit funny because I wrote it in three stages and just today noticed it still wasn't up yet. I sometimes use the app, and I think that's why it didn't post as scheduled.



So, I've mentioned in a few recent posts that I was working on writing about how to do all of this...TTWD, D/s, DD, and all of that...when you don't have the privacy you need. A few of you have asked me this directly, recently, so I wanted to share our perspective. I wrote about this a few years ago, but things change over time, so I'll share how we approach this now.



Jason and I, but most standards, have a pretty large family. I don't like to get into numbers and ages for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say I have a good many children and they range in age from nearly-school-age to teens. Jason and I have been married for fourteen years, and together for fifteen. I've been submissive to him since day one.



I know some of you know what I mean, since I've written about that dynamic before, but for those of you who are new here, or curious what I'm talking about, I'll explain. When I met Jason, it was clear to me that he was a take-charge kinda guy. I wouldn't call him domineering, and I really couldn't even have put words to it when we were dating. I knew he was in charge. And I knew I liked it that way. He's always paid the bills. He's always made primary decisions. He's always been decisive, and responsible, and protective.



Yes, he spanked me when we were dating, but it wasn't really disciplinary. So our dynamic wasn't built on an imbalance of authority in which I granted him the right to discipline me (as it is now). I simply chose to obey him, and he led us. If we had a question about what to do, or how we would approach something, I gave him my honest opinion and he made the final decision. It's just how it's always been and we have always been happy that way.



So it comes as no surprise to anyone who knows us that this is who we are. I've mentioned before that if we are invited somewhere, or I'm asked to commit to something, I always say, “I'll ask Jason and let you know.” I do this happily, and people don't question it. Friends will actually say to me, “Why don't you ask Jason and let me know about x, y, or z.” It's just how things go. I defer to him naturally, without question. If salespeople come to our door I'll say, “I need to ask my husband.” I even defer to him with all of my work decisions. He reads over my contracts and correspondences, and helps me make decisions. 

I think the only time I remember in the past few years of anyone giving me a hard time about how bossy he is was a few months back. I was supposed to go for a run, and Jason wouldn't allow me to run alone outside. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who said, "Well, why didn't you go anyway?" I laughed and said, "No, I wouldn't do that. He's like that because he is overprotective and I like that he is." That very weekend, another one of my running buddies was traveling, and texted me, "Looks like I'm not allowed to run outside in this area!" Her husband had put his foot down and wouldn't allow her to run outside. We ended up laughing about it later and my friend said, "We're lucky to have these bossy men who care about our safety." So my point is? I don't hide that he's bossy and I don't hide that I like it.



Why am I explaining all of this? The simple reality is, things like spanking or other discipline are only the smallest part of how Jason and I interact. The vast majority of the time we spend with one another, we have a different sort of power exchange going on. I submit to him, and he leads me. Now, we are crazy about each other. We are friends and love each other's company. Last night he took me out for frozen yogurt (poor guy hated it – real ice cream next time, none of the fru-fru stuff! Lol), and we laughed and chatted and drove by the beach. We snuggle and cuddle and put our hands all over each other, all the time lol (yes, we're discreet when we need to be). At the moment, I'm sitting on our bed with my laptop, and he's playing his Xbox. Everyone's having some media time. In a short while, the kids will play outside and later the younger ones will come with us to pick up some food. Jason's grilling tonight. We love doing simple family things together, and just enjoy each other's company.



Yes, I'm submissive to him. But there are very few that know the intimate details with how that plays out. So yes, I wear a collar (but to most people it just looks like a silver necklace. I call it “my anniversary necklace” if the kids mention it). Yes, I kneel every day, and I get spanked every day. It starts me on the right foot, and I love being accountable to him. But it's not like I'm kneeling for hours. It's rare we indulge in a really long session. We have a drawer full of spanking implements. I've gone to sub-space and it was delicious. But, that was a long time ago. We're raising a family here. There's a reason why most D/s relationships either take place when a couple has no children yet, or when they're grown and moved out.



As I wrote about in this post, it takes a great deal of time to fuel a full-time dynamic. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.



So, a bunch of people have asked me recently for specifics. How do we do it? How do we meet one another's needs without neglecting our family's needs? How do we meet our family's needs without neglecting each other? I'll share a few basic tidbits as to how this works for us and how I might advise someone who is trying to adapt to a D/s lifestyle but has a lack of privacy. Some of you live with family, or in-laws, or roommates. Some have small children, or, what's maybe even harder, adult children living at home.



Is it possible to have a full-time, even intense dynamic while not having a lot of privacy?  

It is. We do. And I'll share with you how we do.



First, understand that the actual spanking and similar acts of submission are only a very small part of the power exchange. In my personal opinion (and I know some disagree), there is a large range of control a submissive partner can grant a dominant on the power exchange. Some may incorporate a loss of control in bed, some might practice mild discipline, some are into a roles-based D/s relationship, and some are into a full-time, total power exchange. In all of these situations, the crux of the relationship is the exchange of power – a consensual submissive partner relinquishing some sort of control to the dominant partner, in whatever form that takes.



The exchange of power is the crux of the relationship. For me and Jason? That means in every single interaction, I defer to him as the authority. Just now, he finished on his game and said, “we need to run to the store,” and I said, “May I have a few more minutes?” I was prepared to put this down and obey him if he said to come. He said yes, I could, and on I went. This is how we interact all day long. I asked him when I woke this morning what time he wanted his coffee. I brought it to him. We checked in thoroughly and went on about our day. He said he liked the outfit I was wearing, and asked me to help the kids get ready to go out. All day long, we sort of seamlessly interact like this. So, honestly? Privacy isn't what we need so much as a great deal of communication.

So, in my personal opinion? Can this work without privacy? Yes, if you're discreet and creative. Can this work without communication? Emphatically no.  


Communication is essential. A D/s couple needs to find out what it is they want from this, and communicate effectively toward that end goal. 
 

That is the essence of our check-in. We always know what the other is going to do. There are days when I have to spend a lot of time writing. There are times when I have to work heavily on housework or have to do errands. I simply tell him during our check-in. We talk to each other all day long, and if we're separated we call each other or text. We talk before he leaves for work, throughout the day, when he comes home, and before bed at night.





Make time for one another.



At the heart of what a submissive wants from this relationship is the desire to have the attention of her dominant. Find time for one another. It doesn't have to be a punishment, or a spanking. Sometimes all she needs is a little hair tug and a whisper in her ear. Sometimes all she needs is a hand squeeze or some other outward display of dominance. It's very common for Jason to come up to me in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner and wrap his arms around me from behind, or he'll lean against the counter, I'll come over and hug him around the neck. We whisper to each other a lot and send code words to each other. It's how we communicate when we have to be discreet. And that brings me to point two.



Have codes.



Jason and I have a number signal. One means yes, two means no, three means “I love you,” Four means “Be a good girl,” and five means, “I'm gonna spank your ass.” (Thank you, Jason, for the refined code there, babe). He'll either squeeze my hand that many times, tap it on the counter, or simply say it out loud. A few days ago, I got angry and lost my temper (not allowed here). He simply looked at me and said, “Five.” I knew I would get a spanking (and I sure did). If we're out and I'm getting grumpy about something he'll grab my hand and squeeze four times. Be a good girl.



But I have codes, too. We decided a few years ago that I needed a code word for when I was getting upset about something. These days it's only used when I'm overwhelmed. We never did come up with a code word, though, so I simply say, “code word!” It works. And if I'm needing a spanking, I'll tell him “my spank tank is empty."





Find ways to be discreet with the actual spanking.



We have a bunch of different implements, and they are used at times when we have total privacy, when the kids are asleep, or the air conditioning is running, we're on vacation alone, things like that. But most of the time? I get spanked with something silent. I don't like them. But, I need to be spanked and that helps me get spanked soundly without any noise. We use a tilt wand (blind turner), or a loopy johnny. The thick hairbrush is for serious offenses, and so dense it makes hardly any sound at all. Fortunately our older house is solidly built and nearly soundproof. You can't hear a thing outside our bedroom door (we've tested).


If there are kids at home, it's sometimes best to wait until they're asleep, or at school. We don't often wait anymore. These days, I'm just spanked with one of those silent implements. The tilt wand can be brutal, but can be modified to produce just a basic sting. We've been at this a long time and I'm spanked often, so we know how to make this work for us. I can get a good reminder with a tilt wand, or a hard disciplinary spanking (thankfully rare).



Some people go to a basement, or to a garage, or some other private part of the house for a spanking to take place. Do whatever you have to do to make it happen. I firmly believe that I'm happier when my suibmissive needs are met, and I'm better able to meet the needs of everyone in my house. But I also have to understand that my primary goal right now is not my writing career, or fulfilling every one of my spanking fantasies. Right now, my kids are small and still at home. They're only here for a time, and I want to make the most of that time. So yes, I focus on them first, and try not to resent the fact that they need me and sometimes that means putting down my needs for a time.



I do tell Jason what those needs are and we do the very best we can to meet the needs we both have.



Understand that the needs of a couple change.



When we began, our kids were younger. They slept more, and napped. We had more time to explore these things and used different implements. That changed, and we have to be more discreet now. But we are still able to make this work, because we communicate all the time, and we make the needs of the other a priority.



I've tried to thoroughly cover each area we focus on to help make our dynamic work but I'm sure I'm missing things. Please feel free to ask questions. My aim here is to show that a dynamic like this can work even with a lack of privacy.



And on that note, Jason is ready for me and I need to go, because the most important thing I do here is obey him. 

His leadership and my submission is at the very heart of all we do.



Until next time readers, happy Fourth, be safe, and happy spanking.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A Quick Update!

Hello, readers. We've had an exceptionally busy June, and last week, I told Jason I was going to do a few things. One of those things was write. Now, I love writing, but sometimes I let myself get distracted. An hour later, he gave me that "look" and told me that he would hold me to my word. I'd said I would write, and damn it, I'd better write. 

I really do love that he cracks that whip, in more ways than one. 

So, instead of blogging last week I did what I'd promised, with the intention of blogging later. The blogging didn't happen. And then we had some pretty serious family issues come up with week. Everything is fine and on the upswing, thankfully. But, needless to say, I did not get a blog post up. I have one slated for tomorrow, and I'll resume my regular Sunday blog posts.

Since so many of you have written to me asking about my writing updates, I wanted to tell you what's going on there. Now, I know many of you are here for the D/s lifestyle updates and aren't interested in fiction, and I totally understand and respect that. Heck, I didn't even read D/s fiction myself for years for a variety of reasons. So if you're not interested in the writing side of things, please come on back tomorrow for the latest D/s lifestyle post as I plan on keeping up with my Sunday posts. 

For those of you who are interested in the writing side of things, the rest of this post is for you. I have a few things to update. 

First, I had a major backlog of books written before I began publishing. I've been writing for years with no real end goal in mind, and now that I'm publishing, the books are being released at a fairly rapid pace. I won't keep that pace up, because as a part-time writer it's not sustainable. I will continue to write and publish regularly, but because of the rapid nature of publishing my backlog of books, I haven't been updating this blog with all my new releases (seven published and three more slated this year).

I told all of you initially that the best way to keep up with my new releases was to subscribe to the Blushing Books newsletter. I still write for Blushing, and will continue to do so, but for a variety of reasons I'm pursuing other publishing venues as well. My latest release was with Stormy Night Publications, and I plan on continuing to publish with both publishers.

With that in mind, the number one best way for those of you interested in my fiction to be notified of latest releases is to follow my Amazon author page. 

And for the month of July, I'm giving away a whole bunch of free books to my Amazon followers. If you follow my Amazon author page, you'll be notified via e-mail with each new release, and those who follow my page this month will be entered into multiple drawings for free books. Go here to enter .

I can't thank you all enough for your continued support and encouragement. This has all been a dream come true for me. I adore writing in this genre and plan on contiuing to do so for years to come. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And once again, we'll return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Have a great weekend, and happy Independence Day to my American readers!