Monday, November 27, 2017
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Last night, Jason and I went out on a date, just the two of us, and it was so nice.
This week has been a really stressful week for me. I've gotten off track with a bunch of things. I knew that I had to confess to Jason. I hadn’t really broken a rule, but had pushed too hard in areas I knew I shouldn’t push in, in places where he wants me to be attentive. Now, we’re busy people. He doesn’t always take the time to follow up with things I’m supposed to be doing. His expectation is that I bring my needs to him. He hates me expecting him to read my mind, and it’s a rule here. If I need help, I have to go to him.
If I don’t, this is what ends up happening. I self talk my way into craziness, and the next thing I know, I’m not submitting, I resent my duties and having to stop to come to him, and my needs get so piled up that I fight the desire to misbehave. We’ve been doing it long enough now, that I know the warning signs and I’m usually pretty good about going to him. However, I’m not always. And the next thing I know, I’m pushing him like crazy.
Not good. He hates when I act the part of the brat.
He’s happy to be my Dominant. He’s amazingly supportive and attentive. But he expects me to do my part. He wants me to put forth my best effort. And he expects nothing short of brutal honesty when it comes to my needs.
I recently mentioned in a thread in our private group that Jason responds far better to me saying “Daddy, please help me,” rather than, “you aren’t doing this correctly.” When I let things slide.. and don’t communicate to him… it is far, far easier for me to put the blame on him. It’s easy for me to tell him, “If you’d paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have done X, Y, or Z.” And the truth is? Sometimes I do need more attention that I get, as I blogged about a few weeks ago.
But it isn’t all about me.
We have kids, and extended families, and jobs, and duties. The struggle becomes very real when the holidays arrive, and our regular routines are off. When we’re visiting family. We’re indulging in foods that we don’t normally do (and getting sleepy sleepy as a result).
I remember a few Thanksgivings ago, getting into an argument with Jason about something. I forget what it was about, but I was angry with him, and in the car on the way to pick up our family, I mouthed off to him. I thought I’d gotten away with it. We pulled into the driveway at home, and now everyone was over our house to celebrate. He came over to me door, wrapped his hand on the back of my neck, drew me over to him and whispered, “Upstairs. Now.” I knew in that instant I was done for, and I was. He used a super quiet implement, made it very clear that rules don’t change just because we have guests, and I served dinner with a quiet spirit and a sore ass.
Yeah, I won’t do that again.
So as the holidays approach, my stress levels go up. Routines are off. We have vacation days off of school, Jason has time off, we are traveling and visiting, and the to-do list of a busy mom grows. I have food to cook, cookies to bake, gifts to buy and wrap. I do my best to keep it stress-free, a memorable time of traditions and giving thanks, and it’s Jason’s job to help me manage that.
So when I came to a screeching halt Friday night, I needed him. He was off doing his own thing, and the truth is, if I don’t tell him what’s going on with me? He doesn’t usually know until things come to an ugly head. I could feel the stress percolating, and I knew I needed to be brought back to center.
We had a kiddo asleep in our bed, and didn’t have privacy yet, so I texted him.
The conversation went like this:
Me: "Daddy, I've had a rough week. I haven't been good about x, need to be better about y, and really could use some help. I feel really off."
Him: "That isn't good. Tonight, I want to be sure you're in bed on time. You may read until 10, then your phone is mine and we'll start from there."
Me: ::Feeling a little grumpy because who likes having their phone taken away and a Friday night bedtime?? BUT. I ASKED FOR THIS. I want to be on my best game. I like when he's my keeper, when he makes sure I get what I need. ::
"Yes, Daddy. Thank you. I just really need to get back on track in so many ways. Will you please help me?"
Him: "Of course, baby girl."
He wanted me offline. He wanted me resting, and reading. Did I do that? No. I goofed around and didn’t take it seriously, justifying my behavior. “It’s Friday night. He usually lets me screw around a bit on Friday night and go off my bedtime. Surely he doesn’t mean tonight, right?”
A little voice in my head said, “You know he does. Don’t push it.”
But, I did.
My conscience pricked me, and when he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pulled me over to him for a snuggle, I told him.
“Is that right?” he said. He grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me over his lap and delivered a hard and fast spanking with his hand. There’s something about that angle. You would think it doesn’t hurt. That would be wrong! It hurts like crazy. I was squirming and asking him to stop while he very firmly spanked me to tears.
Finally, he was done, and he held me up to him. “You didn’t think I’d spank you, did you?”
“No,” I sniffled.
“I think you were testing me,” he said. And he tapped my chest with his index finger. “Maybe not on purpose. But subconsciously, you needed to know your daddy would take you seriously, didn’t you?”
It didn’t take long for me to agree, still sniffling and wiping my eyes.
“You need to be held accountable. You need me to help you stay on track, and this week, I will. I’ll check on your rules, and we’ll check in regularly, and there’s no disobeying me. You do what I say right away, and I want your attitude toward me to be submissive. Do you understand?”
I nodded and snuggled in close to him. “Yes. Yes, Daddy.”
I needed this. I knew I did. I still do. When the world is upside down, and everything is coming at me at once, I need the grounding that he gives me, and it’s up to me to tell him that. It isn’t easy. I don’t like admitting that I need the accountability. I would much prefer to be always on my game. But I’m human. I’m busy. I juggle oh so many things, spin so many plates, and without his guidance and support, those plates come crashing down.
In a working Dom/sub relationship, no matter what the capacity is, from a bedroom-only power exchange to a full-time 24/7 power exchange, both the roles of the Dominant and submissive fly in the face of what society tells us we should be. Society tells us that men should be equals with their partners. It isn’t right for a man to strike a woman. For those of us in the lifestyle? We want an imbalance of authority. We like consensual discipline. It is hard for a Dominant to reconcile what he’s been taught with what his partner needs.
Society tells us that strong women don’t need men. That a grown-up woman can take care of herself, and handle her own responsibilities. Some believe that asking for help from another means we are weak.
No. I propose that asking help from another is humble, not weak.
And humility – in both partners – is an essential quality in any Dom/sub dynamic that will thrive. Without humility, there is no room for growth. Without humility, there is no opportunity to cultivate very necessary mutual self-giving. It is when we strip away the fears that hold us back that we begin to really, truly see the depth of where this dynamic can lead us.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Sunday, October 29, 2017
I still want it, though. And I think I need it even more than I did before.
I love when I'm submitted to him. I love when he takes charge. I love having that delicious freedom in just letting things go. I love the powerful feeling I get when I face something that is difficult for me to submit to and I keep my temper, obey, and handle things maturely. I love how I feel after he's lovingly disciplined me and I'm in my quiet place of gratitude.