Sunday, December 31, 2017

A New Year's Reflection, and a Request

Happy New Year, readers.

This time of year, I love to spend a little time reflecting on my dynamic with Jason.

I’m a goal-setter. It’s just how I roll. Even though I don’t really do New Year’s Resolutions, I do set yearly goals and I enjoy working my way toward them. I like spending time at the end of the year looking at the goals I set and seeing how I’ve achieved them, where I’ve fallen short, and where I’ve surpassed them. For the past three or four years, I’ve set my goals into categories: Mothering, and what I’d like to do with my kids (this includes regular one-on-one time, outings, read alouds, and things I’d like to help my children achieve), Personal goals (weight loss, exercise goals, reading goals etc.), Work, Financial, and Relationships.

Last year, I didn’t set goals with my relationship with Jason, or my submission. Last year, I asked him for a “Clean the Slate” spanking.

It was super hard to do, and even harder to take, but I do think going into 2018 it’s time to do this once more.

Jason and I haven’t drifted apart. Rather, we’re sorta like an elderly couple in D/s… we’re comfortable. We have our routines. We know what works, and what doesn’t. Communicating my needs to him is nearly intuitive, and his meeting my needs comes easily to him. We did hit a rough patch at the beginning of the school year when we were so very busy, but after discussing things, we got right back to where we were happy again.

A week or so ago, I was angry and stressed, leading right up to Christmas. A few snarky comments was all it took for Jason to lock the door, snatch up an implement, plant me face down on the bed, and spank me good and hard. It was not fun. I fought and cried, and he very firmly and decidedly spanked me to tears. When I had the brat spanked right out of me, I very humbly sniffled my apology on his chest, and he held me. But it was the beginning of a long day. Throughout the day when I saw him, I would sorta burrow into his chest, or put my arms up around his neck and hug him.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“I know you are. But you needed that. I had to do that for you.”

We both knew he was right. But it wasn’t very pleasant at all, and having to punish me, when punishment is so rare for us, sent him into his cave. He wasn’t really in the mood to give me Daddy time, and he needed a good deal of time to decompress. This hurt me, but I accepted it as part of my punishment for my behavior.

The longer we practice this, the harder punishment becomes. With that in mind, I don’t look forward to asking him to spank me. But I know that if he decides it’s a good idea, it will help me. It will motivate. And as always, it will draw us closer together.

It isn’t really about “rules” anymore. Obeying him comes so naturally to me, I don’t really think much about it. Rules still exist and they’re still part of our dynamic. But we’re moving now toward a place where growth is more dependent on support and encouragement, as D/s has given us the ability to understand one another deeply, in a place where we can both be honest, vulnerable, and self-giving.

It doesn’t mean things are perfect. It means that growth, at this point, is about the relationship, and our dynamic merely gives us the tools we need.

And hasn’t it always been about relationship? It’s so easy to make this about spanking, or sex, or kink, even. It’s easy to make this about our needs, and our reactions. How do I get him to meet my needs? How can I grow to be the submissive he wants me to be? How do we set aside differences and explore how to make this our own? But as things progress, we learn something.

This isn’t about achieving perfection, but growing closer together.

When I falter, he’s there to help me up again. And I, in turn, give him that space, the tender place where he can be supported, uplifted, and encouraged.

Jason will ask me to share my 2018 goals with him. We’ll talk them over, and come up with a plan to achieve those. He’s more of a laidback kinda guy, but he needs my support and love and attention. He isn’t coming to me with a list of goals, but rather needs me emotionally available.

In past years, I’ve pushed myself to submit more fully… to be an attentive listener. To anticipate his needs, and understand what he wants from me. To take the focus off myself and put it on him. To be more giving, and less selfish.

The challenge, as we become comfortable in all this, is to keep the flame kindled, to not allow what we do to become so routine in no longer nourishes us.

I’ve determined 2018 is to be my year of balance. Balancing work with family and friends. Balancing my own needs with those of others in my life. To not be so consumed with one goal or task that I let the other just as important ones slide.

There were times in this past year that my submission to Jason became rote. I would bring him his coffee because he expected it, not because it was an act of service I give out of love toward him. This year, I want to focus on being present in all that I do, not making the acts of love I perform on a daily basis to allow resentment to grow, but rather seeing those as moments to be grateful.

And on that note, I want to thank you, readers, for sticking around. Thanks to those who have written to me and encouraged me in my blossoming writing career, and to those of you who quietly bought my books. To those who have written to me and thanked me, and even for those of you who have quietly sat back and simply read what I had to offer. I wish you all fulfillment and joy in 2018. Here’s to a great one.

I'm also going to ask you readers to do me a favor. I have fairly lofty writing goals for 2018, but would like to continue to blog. If there are topics you'd like to see me write about on this blog, please either comment here below, or shoot me an email at 

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 25, 2017

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, readers! I'm taking a break to enjoy the holiday with my family, just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope you were all good and didn't get what I got. 

Uh-oh! Here's to a nice 2018. 😉

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Interview with Kate -- and a reflection.

Hey, there, readers, a few months ago I did an Interview with Kate over on her blog, and we decided it would be fun to each do one. It was nice to answer these questions, because Jason and I just hit our five-year D/s anniversary this past November, and it was a really nice way to reflect on our dynamic. 

It's been a few weeks since I've written. Things are fantastic here. We've had a few challenges, but we've navigated them. It's just super busy as we prepare for the holidays and balance all the other things we need to balance. 

So thank you, Kate, for giving me an excuse to sit and do a bit of reflection! 


1..     What is the biggest benefit you see from having lived this lifestyle for a few years now?

I think the biggest benefit is really how close we are. Since we wrap up any discord pretty quickly, we hardly ever have any unresolved issues between us. We are able to talk through anything, and we understand each other so well now. After years of learning how to communicate and meet each other’s needs, it’s really brought us so much closer together. And because he’s literally the Dom of my dreams, I find him super hot, which is really fun. ;)

 2. What remains your biggest challenge?

Busyness. With a large family and both of us working, we have to work incredibly hard at finding time for each other. About 90% of our issues stem from not having time to communicate effectively because of other commitments. Then, our commitments drain us, and we find we don’t always have the energy we need for each other. We have to be very intentional about finding time to connect, but it’s a constant effort.

 3.     Describe an initial challenge the two of you faced that is mostly nonexistent by now.

Understanding why I wanted this. I struggled so hard with feeling like I was weird or a freak because I wanted him to not only dominate but discipline me. It took years of self-exploration and working things out with Jason before I had peace with that. From his perspective, he didn’t understand it all either. Now, we never question why. We both understand it well and embrace it. It’s become such a part of who we are, and the fruits of the lifestyle are abundantly clear.

 4.     How has your sex life generally changed/improved long-term?

It’s a hundred times better! Ok, before it was also largely impacted by having babies and lack of sleep, and now that are kids are older that isn’t as much of an issue. But we’re both erotically attracted to the power exchange, so even snuggling and talking over rules turns us both on! He spanks me regularly to keep me sane and in my submissive place, and we’re both so turned on by spanking that that helps, too. Also, I’m no longer self conscious about my body around him. I’m not allowed to criticize my body, and the frequent lovemaking has helped me be comfortable in my own skin.

5.     From your perspective, why does this lifestyle work?

I could probably write an essay on this. I maybe have! Ha. Also, it works differently for different people. For our purposes here, I’m going to assume we mean the lifestyle in which there is one partner in authority as the dominant, and another as the submissive. I personally feel it works for many reasons. 

First, because it’s an agreed-upon imbalance of power, the couple is still on equal footing. Delegating authority to one doesn’t negate the other’s self worth. If it did, it wouldn’t work the way it does. Second, giving one partner authority means that there is no room for dissension, no power struggle. So problems are fairly easily resolved. Third, most of us find this lifestyle erotic, so it increases the connection between the two, bringing about a depth in relationship they may not have found before. Fourth, when we embrace mutual self-giving, both are fulfilled. The dominant partner’s need to protect, guide, and lead are met, the submissive partner’s need to be protected, guided, and led are met. That changes from couple to couple, though. Some really are just in this so they can pursue their own goals, and having the accountability allows that. When this lifestyle works, with years of practice, we can become the best we hope for, with a solid, loving relationship to boot.

 6.     What’s the most prevalent misconception you’ve faced about the lifestyle?

There are many. From the outside world? That it’s wrong. That adults shouldn’t discipline one another or seek discipline, and that those who do are somehow disordered.

From those inside the world? That it’s easy. It isn’t. It’s one of the most challenging things Jason and I have ever done. The payoff is tremendous, but it takes so much work to get there.

 7.     Is there any advice you feel would have saved you a lot of heartache back in the beginning?

Yes, and it’s the advice I frequently now give. If you want to submit, don’t expect him to make you. Choose to submit on your own. Don’t make this all about you. The only person you can control is yourself, so focus on your own submission, and the dominance will usually follow.

 8.     Do you have any words of advice for couples that aren’t new to the lifestyle but still aren’t as settled as you and Jason?

Yes. After the honeymoon period is over, you tend to hit the hardest part of all. In order for this to work at this stage, it becomes essential for each partner to focus heavily on meeting the needs of the other. My advice would be for both partners to find ways of meeting the needs of the other as best they can. Dominants, this often means paying more attention to your submissive, focusing less on your own needs and more on hers. Submissives, this often means obedience in areas you don’t like, focusing less on your own needs and more on his.  

 9.     What is the biggest change you’ve  seen in Jason over the years?

He’s so much hotter! Lol No, really, I’ve always been attracted to him, but now that he’s in this position of authority, because I’m submissively wired, I find him so hot. I melt into a little puddle on the regular! He’s also far more self confident and happier than he’s ever been.

 10.   What is the biggest change you have seen in yourself?

I am happy and fulfilled. I struggled for years with a negative self image and poor self worth. Though I still struggle with those things, I wake up most days happy with my life, and eager to take things on. I’m gentler with myself in some ways. Though I am goal-oriented and fairly driven, I don’t allow the self criticism as often as I used to. Now that I’m not as mired in my self worth issues, I find it easier to pursue my dreams, easier to focus on what I’m thankful for, and easier to see the beauty in the every day.

I hope you enjoyed these reflections, readers. I look forward to blogging again next week. 😊

Monday, November 27, 2017

Code Word!

Code Word!

There is no getting around it. This is a challenging time of year for many of us. No matter how much preparation one does or how much experience one has, this can be a challenging time of year.

I thought I blogged about our code word, but everyone says I haven’t. I think what happened is I thought about blogging this about a hundred times and never actually got around to doing it.

Knowing that this time of year can be hard, Jason and I have built in plans to counteract the stress. We do enjoy the holidays very much. But it involves being out of routines (and we’re both creatures of habit who thrive on routines. Our kids are, too.). It involves socializing, and our house is the hub of most holiday socializing for both of our families. And though we do enjoy it, and aren’t shy people, we’re introverted. We need quiet and downtime to recover.

So we work hard to make sure we don’t fight, we don’t let the stress rob us of our peace, and I don’t get my ass spanked.

Jason and I have been at this for five years this month. Hard to believe! A few years ago, I realized that I needed a way to tell him if I was getting overwhelmed. Now, initially the plan was that I would tell him if I felt like I was going to lose my temper and yell, since getting control of my temper was a major focus of ours for a very long time. So we talked about it… and talked about it… and we never actually came up with a code word. Oops.

Then one day, I felt it building. I was angry and frustrated and was going to snap. So I went over to Jason, took a deep breath, and said, “Code word!”

He blinked at me at first, then got to his feet and pulled me aside, and talked me through whatever I was struggling with and it helped. A lot. I was able to overcome my anxiety that normally led me to snap at someone, and calmly deal with the situation. That was several years ago, so I have no idea now what caused my reaction. But ever since then, he let me use “code word” when I was on the verge of losing it. It helped, for a very long time.

But eventually, he expected me to keep my temper in check, and now it’s exceptionally rare that I lose my temper. I still do get overwhelmed, though. I still have moments when he’s off doing something and the kids are driving me crazy, or something boils over on the stove, or whatever. I even get occasional bouts of anxiety attacks. So, when this happens, I go to wherever Jason is and I say, “Code word.” Sometimes I say “I’m at code over here!” My kids probably think I’m crazy, but I don’t really care. It works.

I did this just today. I was overwhelmed with many things, and fairly introverted out. We’ve had guests over the past few days with the holiday, and though I’m fine when we have guests over, I need lots of time to unwind after. I reached the point where I felt the anxiety building and finally I gave Jason the code word. He came right to me, and helped me breathe through it. He got the kids to help deal with the clutter, and things went off without a hitch. I was overwhelmed. I get that way sometimes. It don’t often reach the point of anxiety, but I’m very glad we have this way of communicating with each other. 

Whenever there's a way to act preventatively instead of reactively, we try do that. It isn't just about rules, but about finding our peace, too. 

But there were times when we are out, or don’t have privacy, and Jason needs to communicate something to me. Something like… watch yourself, or Im going to spank you.

Eeep. You know, I try to behave. But sometimes my mouth gets the best of me, or my tone gets too sharp, or I get snippy with him. So a few years ago, he developed a system of five hand squeezes. One squeeze means yes. Two means no. Three means “I love you.” He does it in the middle of the night when he rolls over and grabs my hand, or when we’re at church, or wherever he wants me to know I’m loved.

But after three, things amp up a little. Four squeezes means “Be a good girl.” That’s my warning and it’s a very serious one. If my tone is off, or I’m getting close to the edge of something he doesn’t like, he will sometimes meet my eyes and just say, “Four.” I know exactly what it means. It stops me dead in my tracks. It means I’d better watch it, or when he gets me alone, he’ll punish me.

Five means “I’m gonna spank your ass,” and lemme tell ya, I’m not a happy camper when that one happens. If our kids are around, or we’re out, and he gives me the look and says “five,” I know I’m toast. He’s even texted it to me before. One time I was out with friends and he discovered something I’d forgotten to do that he asked. I got a text that said, “We’ll have a talk when we get home. That’s 5, young lady.”

It helps, though. We don’t always have privacy. And it’s important for us to have ways of communicating. I can’t say how many times being able to say “code word,” to him, or having him squeeze my hand four times, has helped me avoid trouble.

Communicating effectively is the single most important tool any Dom/sub needs to make their dynamic thrive. It’s far more important than spanking, or implements, or contracts, or rules. In my observation, the couples who thrive at this are the ones who make open and honest communication non-negotiable.

My readers on this blog are quiet. J But I’d like to welcome you to comment below or email me with methods you have for communicating effectively. What are ways you have for dealing with discreet communication? Submissives, do you have a way of telling your Dominant partner that you’re stressed or need help? Dominants, do you have a warning cue for your submissive?