Tuesday, January 31, 2017

A Dominant has needs, too.

Last night, I got myself in trouble. It wasn’t awful trouble, or something that would get me a very serious spanking. It wasn’t even something that really upset Jason, but more of a “rules is rules” kinda thing. When I told him what happened, while I knelt in front of him for my evening check-in, he merely nodded and said, “oh, honey, you shouldn’t have done that.” That gentle chiding does something to me. When he listens, but isn’t angry, and gently scolds or lectures, I feel a whole bunch of different emotions. Mostly, I feel thankful that this good, kind, loving man takes such good care of me. That he dedicates his life to watching out for me, for making sure I’m taken care of, but also is willing to teach me, and help me be a better person.

I had a gym class to get to, and then dinner, and later my little ones needed to be tucked into bed. Jason and I finally had some alone time together, and I needed him last night. I really did. I snuggled up on him and we talked, and I told him all the things that were on my mind. Finally, he said, “there’s a little girl who needs a spanking.” I got quiet and asked if he could hold me for another few minutes. He agreed and after a few moments he said, “Let’s get this over with.”

Why did he say that? Because Jason does not like punishing me. And I don’t like to be punished. Truth be told, he hates it.

He had me get over his lap, and he spanked me good, making sure to drive home the purpose behind his discipline. He asked a few questions, and I answered, and he spanked me. I got all teary while I took my spanking. Then we were done. I crawled up onto the bed, sniffling to myself, and he met me there. He held me, and then before I knew what was happening, he was doing some really, really nice things to me. Suffice it to say, by the time he tucked me into bed, I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted. Jason and I believe when a spanking is over, it’s over, and anything deliciously intimate that happens after is part of whatever aftercare we need.

But he also “rewarded” me the way he did because he hates punishing me. He doesn’t like me to be sad. He doesn’t like causing me pain, and being punished is painful to me both physically and emotionally.

So why do we do it then? Because we both recognize that it’s better for us this way.

When Jason and I were fairly new to this, and he told me he hated punishing me, I felt awful. I felt guilty. I told him, “Well, you don’t need to do it then.” I don’t like putting him in a position to do something he doesn’t enjoy. He explained that, no, it wasn’t like that.

“Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I won’t do it,” he said. “It’s better for you that I do. And really, I don’t think it would be very healthy if I did enjoy punishing you. It’s better for us that I don’t.”

That confused me. I was disappointed, somehow, like it would’ve been better if Jason was eager to punish me. It took a while to work through my conflicting thoughts on this, and to understand where he was coming from. Years later now, I do understand it.

He disciplines me, consistently and firmly, because I thrive under his discipline. He does it because our relationship is founded on his being the leader, my dominant, and it’s foundational to our dynamic that I obey him. He disciplines me because a part of me needs that, craves the accountability, and not just sexy spanking but real discipline. I find it deeply erotic, and utterly appealing, and so does he.

Years ago, when someone asked how he went from not really wanting to discipline me to feeling this was best, he answered very simply. “I decided it was the most loving thing to do.” In short, he does not discipline me because he likes it. He disciplines me because he loves me.

Does he like spanking me? Sure, but not when it’s for punishment. He’s as erotically attracted to spanking me as I am to being spanked. I go over the knee, and the man’s turned on. It’s just the way we’re wired. But from his perspective as a dominant, disciplinary spankings are different. They usually make me cry. I feel badly when I’ve earned a punishment, and he feels badly he has to punish me. Frankly, it’s knowing that he dislikes punishing me that helps make it more corrective.

I got a spanking several years ago that I will never forget. At the end of the spanking he said, “I hate doing this to you,” and it was those words that I still remember years later that had a much more lasting effect on me than the long-forgotten sting of the paddle.

Now, I’m going to be honest here. Not a week goes when a submissive doesn’t write to me and say something to the effect, “this is hard.” 

You’re damn right it’s hard. Submitting my will to someone else – even someone I positively adore – is one of the hardest things I’ve ever chosen to do. But it’s very, very rare that one of you writes to me and says, “It’s hard for him to do this.”
Why is that? I think we honestly overlook the fact that this is hard for them, too.

Unless a dominant is a sadist (and many are not), chances are, he dislikes administering punishment. Like Jason, he’ll often do what it takes because he loves you, not because he likes it. And some frankly won’t do it, because it’s just too difficult, for so many reasons. They simply cannot reconcile their pasts, histories of abuse, or reconcile an imbalance of power with their own beliefs in equality.

But there are many who do embrace those roles, and if you’re someone who has agreed to submit to a dominant? Today, I’m going to challenge you to keep in mind that they have needs, too.

Dominants have tremendous responsibility. In many cases, they are the leaders of the homes. They oversee the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of not just you, but their children, and yes, I’m addressing those of you still growing into these roles. Dominants carry the weight of their obligations every day. It’s not always pleasant being the one in charge. Sometimes they have to make hard decisions.

Submissives, honor those decisions. Understand that if he’s a man of integrity, then the difficult decisions are not easy for him to make. He needs your support, not your criticism. Years ago, I asked Jason if I could go on a trip. I wanted to, badly, but Jason decided it was not in my family’s best interest for me to go. I remember him telling me, sorrowfully, that the answer was no. It’s a vivid memory in my mind. “I don’t want to tell you no,” he said. “But I have to.” I was sad to hear his answer, but so very grateful he has what it takes to lead so well. I did my best to honor his decision. To accept it, knowing it was not an easy one for him to make.

Honor him as father of your children. Fathers don’t parent like mothers do, and sometimes that makes for disagreements. Believe me, I’ve been there. But again, if he’s a man of integrity, trust him to parent well. Don’t make it harder for him than it needs to be. By all means, communicate openly and honestly, but do it respectfully.
Honor him as the man who watches out for you. Maybe his dedication to his job takes him away from you sometimes. Try not to get angry with him for working hard. Be the woman he wants to come home to at the end of the day. Make your home a sanctuary for him. 

Serve him. I miss Jason when he’s not here. He has several evening obligations these days, and I do wish he was home. Heck, I never like to see him leave the house. I’d be a happy girl if he never had to. But I am happy to see him pursuing his own interests, and I want to encourage him in that. The man is so very good to me. It’s the least I can do to pay him the same kindness.

In short, this all works better if you both work hard at meeting the needs of the other. When we are wrapped up in our own needs for dominance, it’s easy to forget that he has needs, too. Strong, dominant men are often not going to admit that they have needs. Part of being the one in charge means that he puts on a brave front, and the man gets stuff done.

If this resonates with you, and maybe you’re looking for some ideas, I’d urge you to take a look at the series I wrote on Cultivating Submission.

Above all, never underestimate the power of a well-timed “thank you.” It’s so very simple.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Thank you for tucking me in, daddy.

Thank you for holding me accountable.

Thank you for being such a good father to our kids.

Thank you for working so hard.

And the thank you’s don’t always have to be of spoken out loud, if you catch my drift. Now it’s time for me to end this post, because I need to bring my man a cup of coffee. It’s the least I can do. 😉

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Them's Fightin' Words

A few weeks ago, Jason was cleaning out a drawer in our bedroom, and found a stack of those kitchy love coupon things I made for him years ago, so long ago that it was before we were into this whole spanky thing. How did we know? He called me to him, and showed me the cards. We laughed, and joked, but then he got to one that said, “Win One Fight.” He grinned, tossed it on the bed, and said, “Well, this one is now useless, since I win all the fights.” We laughed, and although he was being facetious, there was a ring of truth in what he says. Since I defer to his headship over me, he does  get the final say. I do defer to him. But of course there are times when I state my opinion and he changes his mind.

Then about a week ago, we were driving alone in the car, just the two of us, and we talked about fights. Jason laughed. “We do fight,” he said. “Then I win, you get spanked, and we all live happily ever after.” We laughed, because it was kind of funny…and sorta true. Now, I certainly don’t get spanked for disagreeing with him. What gets me spanked is when I lose my temper, and get disrespectful (which is most apt to happen when I’m feeling hurt). And there are certainly times when I state my case and he caves, and even sometimes when he does something wrong (shocker!), he has to admit that he was wrong, and ask for my forgiveness. We’re only human.

However, when people ask if we still argue or fight, I typically say, “We don’t really fight.” I don’t say, “We never fight,” but what I mean is…it’s really really rare. We communicate clearly and often, and the dynamic we have in place helps us sort things out. Disagreements, the huge majority of the time, are sorted out before we ever actually get upset with one another. We talk it out. He is the authority here, so most often I defer to him (sometimes I don’t, and that doesn’t usually end up very well for me.) So this is how it’s been now for several years.

So imagine how things went the other day, then, when Jason and I got into one of the worst fight we’ve had in years.

It was bad. Oh boy was it bad. I wasn’t even going to blog about it, to be honest, because it was just too raw. But I do like to keep things real here, and enough time has passed that I can talk about it without that little pang in my chest. Yeah, it was bad.

It was a night like any other. Things were going pretty well, actually. And out of the blue (for reasons he later explained to me, but I did not understand at the time), Jason made an executive decision without consulting me that I so totally didn’t agree with. Now, looking back on it? I can honestly say he made the right decision. But in the moment? I most vehemently disagreed with him.

This girl has a temper, y’all. I get feisty and outspoken and all that…I really am not a submissive person by nature. I am submissive to Jason, and I love our dynamic. But in regular every day life? It’s just not how I’m wired. Four years and a gazillion spankings later, I have for sure learned how to keep my tongue in check. Most of the time I can communicate to Jason submissively…respectfully…and still maintain honesty and transparency. But sometimes? Nope.

So I marched myself upstairs to him and gave him a piece of my mind. Oh the little angel on my shoulder was telling me to stop! Don’t do it! But the little devil on other shoulder spurred me on, and so, I confronted him. Heatedly. Angrily. Words flew. And Jason looked at me with that oh-so-implacable Dom look and told me exactly how things were going to go down. He told me he’d made up his mind, it was not up for discussion, and that was that.

I lost it. I swore at him (badly). I ranted and raved like a total spoiled brat. I was pissed. Now, I’m not going to get into details, but I will say that I had good reason to be upset, and I think that many in my situation would’ve reacted the same way. But as I stomped off, he yelled, “You’ll be sorry for the way you’re behaving.”

“I don’t care!” I screamed at him.

“Oh, you will,” he said.

I knew I was in trouble but I was too mad to care. This has happened to me a few times, and I’ve gone to Maisy and she’s been able to sort me out good, and I can bring myself up to Jason repentant and face the music. Not this time. I wouldn’t listen to her. I was too furious with him. After a while, I got myself together and decided I would go upstairs to him to discuss things rationally. What I really wanted to do was explain to him why I was right and he was wrong, and hopefully he would admit he was wrong. Ha! And then I’d get my ass spanked good and hard because did I ever mouth off. Sigh.

Nope. That didn’t happen. I did go upstairs, and we did talk calmly and rationally, but we were two damn stubborn people staunchly defending their positions. There was no give for either of us. I stormed off and got ready for bed, and curled up at the other end of the bed. I didn’t want to talk to him. In the past when we’ve had a disagreement like this, one or both of us were ready to come around by bedtime, and we were able to set things to rights again. That night? We were both too angry. He was way too angry with me to discipline me, and I was way too angry to submit anyway.

I slept horribly. So did he. The next morning, I woke up early, and by then, I was so ready to set things back to rights again, but I still felt justified in my anger. So when Jason was ready to deal with me, I went up, and I thought I was in a submissive mindset. I really wasn’t though. I was still angry with him. He called me to him, and pointed to the floor for me to kneel. Down I went.

“What is the rule we have in this house about being respectful?” Frowning, I spouted off the rule.

“What is your rule for swearing?” I told him, with a sigh.

“Did you obey me?”

At this point, I was squirming. “No, Daddy.”

“Get over my lap.” He stripped me, and he put me over his lap, and he gave me an awful spanking. I will readily admit I deserved it. We’ve been in this way too long for me to behave the way I did and get away with it. Even in the moment, I knew that. He spanked me long and hard, and I hated every single minute of it. When he was done, he pushed me back down on my knees and I was crying good and hard. I sniffled my way through and he gave me what felt like an obligatory hug and…I went on and on about why I got so mad at him. He went on and on about why he made the decision he did.

We were not okay! The spanking didn’t solve pretty much anything. My wall was still up, and so was his. So he left for work in a huff, and I bawled my eyes out.

Not. Fun.

God, that was an awful day. Simply awful. I ached from the spanking, but worse than that, my heart hurt from the disconnect with Jason. I wanted to be his babygirl. I wanted to be forgiven, and consoled. I wanted to be right again. We didn’t have reconciliation. My heart longed for it.

So I sat down and thought about everything. Why Jason made the decision he did. That if I really thought about it? He’d made the right decision. My heart was heavy as I went about my tasks for the day. I felt devastated, sick to my stomach, so eager to have him home. I picked up my phone, and I sent him a text. I told him I’d thought about what went wrong. That if I had come to him in a repentant state of mind instead of being defensive, that our morning would’ve gone off a lot smoother than it had. I told him the God’s honest truth.

“I’m so sorry.”

Minutes later, his reply came back to me. “I’m proud of you. You’re a good girl.”

I cried my eyes out. I still had to go about the day, and it wasn’t easy. When he finally came home, he was back…my Jason, my daddy was back. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was ready to be on, and ready to make things right. He brought me right upstairs, and he gave me a big hug, and we talked things out. He asked if I was feeling better…and the honest truth?

I wasn’t. I can’t even really explain why, but the whole experience was really hard to just “get over.” I couldn’t just “feel” right again. We had responsibilities to tend do, and we didn’t have time alone after than for a few hours. I still felt…distant from him. Lingering sadness. It wasn’t until our kids were in bed, that I snuggled up on his chest and cried it all out. He held me, and kissed me, and told me that all was forgiven. He assured me that he loves me, and that he tries so hard to do what’s best for our family, and that he knows it’s hard when I don’t agree, but that I had to trust him. I do. I really, really do. But sometimes, it’s just not easy.

So, the funny thing is? The next day, we were all over each other. We couldn’t stop touching each other, and smiling, and taking little moments to ourselves throughout the day. He held me, and we kissed, and he squeezed my hand or gave me a hug from behind when he walked in the kitchen. We spent every minute with each other. It took me by total surprise. This went on for days. It was just so good to be “right” with each other again.

I’ve found myself over his knee since then, but it was nothing like that fight. Gosh, nothing ever has been before and I sincerely hope that they won’t be like that again. We are used to being close, and connected, and understanding each other. We’re used to things being really, really good. It’s nice to not fight, or argue, and to be connected. But I guess that the fights still happen sometimes, and that’s okay. Because in the end, an awful breach like this did bring us closer together. We both learned from this. It wasn’t something I’d ever care to repeat, but at the same time, I’m almost sorta glad it happened. It was a good reminder that even though we understand each other in all this, that we’re still going to make mistakes. We’re still going to hurt each other.

But we aren’t going to give up. That, I think, makes all the difference.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Ten Excellent Ways to Complicate Your Relationship

We've had a few pretty intense posts lately! I hope this post is lighthearted yet thought-provoking. Thank you to my friend who suggested it! Please do keep in mind that this post is tongue-in-cheek and not picking on any of YOU but drawing from *my* personal experience. Happy Sunday. :)


  1. Compare yourself to others. 
One really easy way to complicate your relationship, perhaps the most common, and one I certainly fell victim to myself (and still do sometimes!) is to compare your relationship to others. Not satisfied with your man's level of dominance? Not happy with how your submissive needs to learn to behave herself a bit better? Well, if you want to really make things difficult, I strongly recommend playing The Comparison Game, in which you look at others, and assume that you should be just like they are. Bonus points: bring up other couples in heated discussions with your spouse.

  1. Demand it all, now.

Sure, Rome wasn't built in a day, but relationships should be, right? Why not? If people can believe in love-at-first-sight, why not dom-at-first-wish or sub-at-first-frown? Yes, I know that experienced D/s or DD couples say that it takes a lot of time to do things like work out the kinks (see what I did there? Heh heh), and it takes a lot of communication and that you're going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but who has time for that? A nice way of making things a bit more challenging is by demanding it all now. And while you're at it, go ahead and try to run a 5k (most especially if you've never run one before) or attempt to climb Mount Washington (strong recommendation that you come at this cold). Let's be efficient and cross off all them things on your bucket list, eh?

  1. Do not tell your partner what your needs are.

In an effort to make this much harder than it needs to, it's imperative that you never communicate clearly. Subs, assume he knows that you want to feel his dominance, or that you need a good ol' stress relief spanking. Hey, isn't telling him what you need topping from the bottom anyway? While you're at it, maybe ask him to scratch your back but don't tell him where you're itchy, or sit down in front of him and tell him you're starving and ask him to figure out what you're craving. The Guessing Game is part of the fun, right? Doms, assume she knows you need space to process, or time alone, or time to adjust to something she's asked. Never ask her if her needs are met, and assume if she hasn't told you she's troubled or needy, that she isn't. Bonus points: Experienced couples, never discuss the changing needs of your dynamic, and assume things will remain stagnant.

  1. Tell your partner how to do things.
Another very efficient way of complicating your dynamic is to tell your partner how to do things. Submissives, be sure that you tell him exactly how he should be doing things. Tell him what implements to use, how long to spank you, what kind of rules must be part of your dynamic, and how he should perform aftercare. Doms, assume she knows already exactly what your expectations are for her and don't try to explain, or break her in easily. (Refer back to #2).

  1. Spend more time in fantasyland than reality.
Another great way to complicate things is by dwelling in fantasyland. I used to be so good at this,a nd heartily recommend it as one of the best ways to make yourself dissatisfied with what you have. Here are some ways to do it – immerse yourself in blogs, fiction, or discussion with other lifestylers, but be sure the time you spend in fantasyland far outweighs the time you actually spend communicating, being intimate with, and meeting the needs of your partner. Bonus points: Extra points if you can do this while denying your own needs to get good sleep, eat a balanced diet, get to the gym, or spending time with loved ones.

  1. Put your needs above your partner's. 
This is actually a fantastic way of complicating most relationships, not just a D/s dynamic. Stop thinking of the needs of others, and put your needs above all else. Your Dominant is working over time this week, isn't feeling well, or needs some down time? Well, for goodness sakes, that doesn't matter. Demand attention, and demand it now. I used to be so good at this and still do it quite well from time to time!Your need to feel his dominance is far more important than any need he has, right? Dominants: demand she obey but be sure you neglect to hold her, listen to her, and tell her she's special to you. Assume that making her obey will get her in tip top shape. After all, the other stuff is for guys trying to land a girl, right? You've already got her. Who has time to put down the video game/remote/phone and give her a little cuddle? Bonus points: make sex about you, too.

  1. Don't talk to each other
This one is quite easy to do. Don't discuss plans. Don't discuss your relationship. Don't discuss rules, or expectations, or needs. Assume your partner can read your mind, and if they can't, then go on back to suggestion number one.

  1. Talk to others instead of your partner.
When things go wrong, don't talk to your partner. Talk to someone else. I mean, this makes sense, right? The submissive you met in a chat room you've never met in real life knows you far better than the man who met you out of high school, held your hand while you delivered his baby, and helped you struggle with tragic loss and gains...right? Dominants, when your submissive misbehaves, tell another Dom! Validate your feelings of anger. Bonus points: extra super duper bonus points if, during times of struggle, you actually have the guts to pour your heart and soul to a member of the opposite sex.

  1. Assume your partner can read your mind
Gosh, this is pretty much a specialty of mine, and yet another strong recommendation I'd like to make for those interested in complicating their dynamic. It goes hand in hand with #3. Submissives: if it was really important to him, he would know, wouldn't he? So clearly, if he doesn't, somehow he failed miserably in Dom School (wait...you mean your husband didn't go to Dom School either? Didn't all of them??). Dominants: Never explain your reasoning behind a rule, expectation, or how you'd like your dynamic to play out. Your word is law, so why do you have to explain yourself? Isn't that what being a Dom is...laying down the law, and busting her ass if she fails to comply? Bonus points if you can send a text and assume they can read the tone, or between the lines.

  1. Fill your days so you have no time for each other.
And finally, my number one recommendation for complicating your dynamic: be sure you don't have any time for each other. Don't eat family meals together. Never go on dates. Don't talk or text during the day, or have sit-downs or check-in's where you go over shared goals, dreams, or responsibilities. Make everyone else far more important than the very person you pledged yourself to. Make volunteering, socializing, or work way more important than your spouse. Never vacation together. Don't make out, make love, or snuggle. Bonus points: go great lengths of time without fueling your intimacy.

And there you have it folks. I sincerely hope you don't take any of my advice! ;)

Monday, January 2, 2017

A "Clean the Slate" Spanking

Happy New Year, readers. I sincerely hope 2017 is a year of love, happiness, and blessings!

On New Year's Eve, we had a quiet evening in with some yummy food and drinks with our kiddos. While Jason and the kids did their typical New Year's Eve tradition of watching movies (Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter – we alternate!) I flitted around preparing food, catching bits of the movie, and sitting down to pen some goals for 2017. It was fun to see my list of goals for 2016 and see where I met some, exceeded some, and didn't meet others, and reflect on the year behind me. And when we were alone that evening, as I was sitting in bed next to him, I had an idea.

I wanted to start the year clean. Get a fresh outlook and perspective. Be motivated to put my focus where it should be. And I had an idea. The idea made me a little nervous, but also eager. So I discussed it with Jason.

The conversation went something like this. “Daddy, I'm wondering...maybe you will consider giving me a “clean slate” spanking to start off the year? To help get me motivated to really do what I need to do.” He was curious, so he put down what he was doing, opened up his arm, and beckoned for me to come on over and snuggle. Many of our intimate conversations happen with me tucked up on his chest in bed. So over I went.

What do you mean?” he asked. “What do you have in mind?” It was then that I got a little more nervous and I squirmed a bit.

Well...sometimes I don't exactly tell you everything. It's not that I lie to you. But I forget things. And I know there were lots of times that I forgot to tell you something that you wouldn't have really approved of. And I thought maybe it would be good to start over. Clean the slate.”

He drew his brows together and grew even more serious. “What types of things don't you tell me?”

Well...you know, sometimes maybe I go over the speed limit and don't remember to tell you right away. Orrr...the girls are baking, and I need to taste the frosting, and I don't try it just once but maybe I taste it like four times and I know I'm not allowed to eat sweets without permission. Or...the times I swear and don't fess up, or do what I'm supposed to be doing, like texting when I'm supposed to be sleeping or something like that. Little things that I don't always remember to tell you. Then, after days pass it just seems silly to bring them all up again.”

He was pretty damn serious at this point.

He does not expect perfection from me. And I would say that most of those little things that sorta niggled at me wouldn't have even been things he'd necessarily punish me for. He doesn't want me being scrupulous and tattle on myself for every little thing. He wants me to keep trying to be good, to take care of myself, to focus on the right priorities, and to lean on him. But I wanted that good, clean slate.

He gave me a good swat. “You shouldn't be doing those things, baby,” he said. I nodded, a bit chastened already. I was really squirming having this conversation. But it was really late at this point, so he just gave me a kiss, and told me we would talk the next day.

The next day, as he was sitting up in bed after I'd brought him his morning coffee, the first thing he said to me was, “I haven't forgotten what we discussed last night.” He was smiling, though, not angry or anything.

You mean the...clean slate spanking I asked for?”


I shifted a bit on the bed and looked away. Now I was feeling pretty nervous. I knew in my gut this wasn't going to be like my typical morning maintenance. I knew it wasn't going to be like a serious punishment either. The truth was, I had no idea what to expect. He sent me downstairs to get my breakfast while he made sure the kids were occupied, and I started working on writing some lesson-planning notes while I ate my breakfast. About ten minutes later, he called my name and said, “Please come up when you are ready.”

Now I was a total and complete ball of nerves. My stomach was churning, my heart pitter-pattering in my chest. I suddenly got very busy doodling in the margins of my notebook. I took a deep breath, and decided now or never. I put my notes down, and went upstairs to where he was waiting.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, in his jeans and a long-sleeved blue top, and my heart did that little stutter thing because I'm smitten with him. Next to him on the bed was the long bamboo rod. I have no idea where we got this thing. I think it was the handle of a fishing net or something and when it broke off, Jason snagged it and put it in his desk drawer. Yikes. It quietly whips through the air, stings like crazy, and suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan. Anyway, in I went. He got up, locked the door, and pointed for me to kneel. Down to the floor I dropped, between his knees, as we talked through what was going to happen.

He held my chin, maintaining eye contact, as he asked me to explain why I wanted this spanking. I told him – I want to start fresh. I want to be honest, and focus on what I want to improve. He was very serious the whole time, nodding and listening.

You need this,” he said, still holding me by the chin. “I didn't know that you weren't telling me those little things.”

It's not like I do it on purpose,” I explained, not justifying but clarifying. “It's especially hard when we don't check in at night, because there are so many things on my mind that I don't remember what I was supposed to tell you. And then it all just fades.”

He nodded. “So my goal in 2017 is to make sure I'm very consistent with you and check in with you every evening. I can recognize that was my fault, not making sure I checked in with you as regularly as I should have.” I nodded, grateful that he was willing to recognize what he wants to do better. Then he released my chin and said to me, “Prepare yourself. You need a good spanking, and I'm going to give you what you need. Get over my knee.”

Oh boy. Yeah, I was pretty nervous at that point. I swear almost every single time he spanks me he starts with, “Get over my knee” and that never fails to make me squirm. Sometimes he spanks me over his lap, both feet straight off the floor, but most of the time it's over one knee. When I was over his knee, squeezing my eyes tight, with my upper body on the bed, prepared for what I both wanted and didn't, he pulled down my leggings all the way down to my ankles. He doesn't always do that. It is, shall we say, sobering.

And he began. He didn't lecture much, but started right in, slow and steady. I didn't fight much at first. When he punishes me, he usually has to hold me down, because I'm not so good at just taking it. This was harder than maintenance, but not as hard as punishment. It was actually exactly what I needed. I guess you'd call it a “deep clean” sort of spanking. Firm, deliberate strokes, slow and steady and on and on it went. A few times I whispered, “ow, daddy,” but I tried to be brave and just take it. It hurt, though, a lot, and to my surprise, about halfway through, I found myself crying. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I did, my hands clenched the bedspread as the tears flowed, focusing on the firm, steady grip of his hand around my waist that both anchors and reassures me when he spanks me. He wasn't done, not by a long shot, and the next thing I knew, his legs were over mine, and he continued, but now he started talking.

Daddy's going to make sure you have the very best 2017 you can possibly have. You're going to do what you need to, and I'm going to be there to help you.” A few strokes landed on my upper thighs and yikes did that hurt. Gosh, the sting, it burned. I continued to sniffle, taking my spanking, allowing myself to experience that cathartic release that I knew I needed. I couldn't do anything but focus on my submission, every stroke bringing me closer to submission to him, letting go of the past, baring me to him in every way possible.

And then he was done. I was crying steadily now, as his large hand rubbed out the sting. “Look at you,” he said with a bit of amusement, but a sort of quiet pride, like he was proud of me for taking my spanking, and I could hear in his voice how precious I am to him. “Your bottom is striped like a baby tiger.” I smiled through my tears as he massaged my tender skin. “You may use the arnica today if you need to, if it'll help ease the sting.” I'm not allowed to use arnica after a punishment. This was different. Still, I told him I didn't want to. Somehow, I needed to keep feeling this one.

I wiped at my eyes, as he placed me on the floor between his knees. I put my head in his lap and just cried. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. It wasn't like when I'm punished and I'm remorseful. It was more than that. It was a sort of release, I think, a purging, if you will, but also laced with the deep satisfaction that comes from having my emotional needs met. The tears were also born of heartfelt gratitude that he's my Dominant, that he's so serious about taking care of me, protecting me, disciplining me, and loving me. He didn't scoff at my request but understood what I needed, and he met those needs. As I'm sitting here typing all this, my body still aches from that spanking, and I'm misty-eyed all over again. There's oh-so-much wrapped into all of this. Trust. Thankfulness. Growth. Intimacy. Eroticism.

I couldn't stop crying. I was sort of a wreck. He leaned down and said, “would you like if daddy brushed your hair?” I nodded, and he got up, went to the bathroom, fetched some tissues and a hairbrush, and returned to me. I wiped my tears and blew my nose and put my head on his lap while he brushed my hair, and he talked in low, soothing tones about how pretty he thinks my hair is, how I'm his babygirl, and how this is going to be a good year for me.

He put the brush down, and I wrapped my arms tight around him. We kissed. The kissing led to other delicious things. And we rang in 2017 in the most delightful way possible.

I never planned on asking him for this. I had no idea I even needed it. I'm a little shy even posting this, because it's personal, and I know not everyone will really even understand. I'm not even sure I do. But I'm not going to explain any more than I already have. It was exactly what I needed. It was cathartic, and healing, and even I, who reaches for words as the easiest way of communicating my thoughts and feelings, sniffling my way through this post that I knew I needed to write, am at a complete loss for the words to describe how very much I love him.