Tuesday, January 31, 2017

A Dominant has needs, too.

Last night, I got myself in trouble. It wasn’t awful trouble, or something that would get me a very serious spanking. It wasn’t even something that really upset Jason, but more of a “rules is rules” kinda thing. When I told him what happened, while I knelt in front of him for my evening check-in, he merely nodded and said, “oh, honey, you shouldn’t have done that.” That gentle chiding does something to me. When he listens, but isn’t angry, and gently scolds or lectures, I feel a whole bunch of different emotions. Mostly, I feel thankful that this good, kind, loving man takes such good care of me. That he dedicates his life to watching out for me, for making sure I’m taken care of, but also is willing to teach me, and help me be a better person.

I had a gym class to get to, and then dinner, and later my little ones needed to be tucked into bed. Jason and I finally had some alone time together, and I needed him last night. I really did. I snuggled up on him and we talked, and I told him all the things that were on my mind. Finally, he said, “there’s a little girl who needs a spanking.” I got quiet and asked if he could hold me for another few minutes. He agreed and after a few moments he said, “Let’s get this over with.”

Why did he say that? Because Jason does not like punishing me. And I don’t like to be punished. Truth be told, he hates it.

He had me get over his lap, and he spanked me good, making sure to drive home the purpose behind his discipline. He asked a few questions, and I answered, and he spanked me. I got all teary while I took my spanking. Then we were done. I crawled up onto the bed, sniffling to myself, and he met me there. He held me, and then before I knew what was happening, he was doing some really, really nice things to me. Suffice it to say, by the time he tucked me into bed, I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted. Jason and I believe when a spanking is over, it’s over, and anything deliciously intimate that happens after is part of whatever aftercare we need.

But he also “rewarded” me the way he did because he hates punishing me. He doesn’t like me to be sad. He doesn’t like causing me pain, and being punished is painful to me both physically and emotionally.

So why do we do it then? Because we both recognize that it’s better for us this way.

When Jason and I were fairly new to this, and he told me he hated punishing me, I felt awful. I felt guilty. I told him, “Well, you don’t need to do it then.” I don’t like putting him in a position to do something he doesn’t enjoy. He explained that, no, it wasn’t like that.

“Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I won’t do it,” he said. “It’s better for you that I do. And really, I don’t think it would be very healthy if I did enjoy punishing you. It’s better for us that I don’t.”

That confused me. I was disappointed, somehow, like it would’ve been better if Jason was eager to punish me. It took a while to work through my conflicting thoughts on this, and to understand where he was coming from. Years later now, I do understand it.

He disciplines me, consistently and firmly, because I thrive under his discipline. He does it because our relationship is founded on his being the leader, my dominant, and it’s foundational to our dynamic that I obey him. He disciplines me because a part of me needs that, craves the accountability, and not just sexy spanking but real discipline. I find it deeply erotic, and utterly appealing, and so does he.

Years ago, when someone asked how he went from not really wanting to discipline me to feeling this was best, he answered very simply. “I decided it was the most loving thing to do.” In short, he does not discipline me because he likes it. He disciplines me because he loves me.

Does he like spanking me? Sure, but not when it’s for punishment. He’s as erotically attracted to spanking me as I am to being spanked. I go over the knee, and the man’s turned on. It’s just the way we’re wired. But from his perspective as a dominant, disciplinary spankings are different. They usually make me cry. I feel badly when I’ve earned a punishment, and he feels badly he has to punish me. Frankly, it’s knowing that he dislikes punishing me that helps make it more corrective.

I got a spanking several years ago that I will never forget. At the end of the spanking he said, “I hate doing this to you,” and it was those words that I still remember years later that had a much more lasting effect on me than the long-forgotten sting of the paddle.

Now, I’m going to be honest here. Not a week goes when a submissive doesn’t write to me and say something to the effect, “this is hard.” 

You’re damn right it’s hard. Submitting my will to someone else – even someone I positively adore – is one of the hardest things I’ve ever chosen to do. But it’s very, very rare that one of you writes to me and says, “It’s hard for him to do this.”
Why is that? I think we honestly overlook the fact that this is hard for them, too.

Unless a dominant is a sadist (and many are not), chances are, he dislikes administering punishment. Like Jason, he’ll often do what it takes because he loves you, not because he likes it. And some frankly won’t do it, because it’s just too difficult, for so many reasons. They simply cannot reconcile their pasts, histories of abuse, or reconcile an imbalance of power with their own beliefs in equality.

But there are many who do embrace those roles, and if you’re someone who has agreed to submit to a dominant? Today, I’m going to challenge you to keep in mind that they have needs, too.

Dominants have tremendous responsibility. In many cases, they are the leaders of the homes. They oversee the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of not just you, but their children, and yes, I’m addressing those of you still growing into these roles. Dominants carry the weight of their obligations every day. It’s not always pleasant being the one in charge. Sometimes they have to make hard decisions.

Submissives, honor those decisions. Understand that if he’s a man of integrity, then the difficult decisions are not easy for him to make. He needs your support, not your criticism. Years ago, I asked Jason if I could go on a trip. I wanted to, badly, but Jason decided it was not in my family’s best interest for me to go. I remember him telling me, sorrowfully, that the answer was no. It’s a vivid memory in my mind. “I don’t want to tell you no,” he said. “But I have to.” I was sad to hear his answer, but so very grateful he has what it takes to lead so well. I did my best to honor his decision. To accept it, knowing it was not an easy one for him to make.

Honor him as father of your children. Fathers don’t parent like mothers do, and sometimes that makes for disagreements. Believe me, I’ve been there. But again, if he’s a man of integrity, trust him to parent well. Don’t make it harder for him than it needs to be. By all means, communicate openly and honestly, but do it respectfully.
Honor him as the man who watches out for you. Maybe his dedication to his job takes him away from you sometimes. Try not to get angry with him for working hard. Be the woman he wants to come home to at the end of the day. Make your home a sanctuary for him. 

Serve him. I miss Jason when he’s not here. He has several evening obligations these days, and I do wish he was home. Heck, I never like to see him leave the house. I’d be a happy girl if he never had to. But I am happy to see him pursuing his own interests, and I want to encourage him in that. The man is so very good to me. It’s the least I can do to pay him the same kindness.

In short, this all works better if you both work hard at meeting the needs of the other. When we are wrapped up in our own needs for dominance, it’s easy to forget that he has needs, too. Strong, dominant men are often not going to admit that they have needs. Part of being the one in charge means that he puts on a brave front, and the man gets stuff done.

If this resonates with you, and maybe you’re looking for some ideas, I’d urge you to take a look at the series I wrote on Cultivating Submission.

Above all, never underestimate the power of a well-timed “thank you.” It’s so very simple.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Thank you for tucking me in, daddy.

Thank you for holding me accountable.

Thank you for being such a good father to our kids.

Thank you for working so hard.

And the thank you’s don’t always have to be of spoken out loud, if you catch my drift. Now it’s time for me to end this post, because I need to bring my man a cup of coffee. It’s the least I can do. 😉


  1. Love this post! Thank you for sharing.

  2. This is very helpful and so touching. We are moving forward slowly and I know this is difficult for him. Hard to understand for both of us, why I need this, why this is helpful. I love him for trying to make me happy but more for helping me to feel safe. And that's what it is for me - I feel safe. I feel supported. Now I need to work harder to help him feel this way.

    1. I know exactly what you mean. Even this far in, I feel so grateful to Jason for his dedication to this lifestyle. It makes me feel safe, too. Cared for, loved, safe. If we focus ourselves on helping meet their needs to, things can only improve. <3

  3. I absolutely love this post. I have often said, that it is the dominant partner who has the harder role. Frome the outside looking in many thing it is the opposite. hugs abby

    1. Abby, thank you. I think both roles can be challenging in their own ways but I agree, it is not easy for the dominant partner!

  4. Really, really great stuff in this post J Girl. I have a shout-out over on my blog, as it dovetailed nicely with some of the discussion going on this week over there.


    1. Dan, thanks so much for the comment and shout out. I'll make it over to visit you soon! :)

  5. Hi Jane, I know it sounds daft but I am glad Jason doesn't like it, it would be pretty nasty if he took pleasure in punishment, I think that is where some couples go wrong and this lifestyle then becomes an endurance test rather than love. Lovely post, so beautifully written.
    love Jan, xx

    1. Hi, Jan, I agree with you. Back then I think I saw it as a sort of "fail," like he would never embrace the lifestyle, but I see now that embracing the lifestyle can still happen while not enjoying the punishment side of things!

  6. Wow, just wow. Thank you for this post!

    1. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

  7. Jane,

    What a sweet post with so many important but often overlooked points!

    I must admit I too sometimes forget just how hard it must be to be the dominant. My Daddy told me recently that sometimes it is difficult for him not being "very popular" at times when he shares his decisions. He reminded me that he always seeks to base choices on what I need which isn't always the same as what I want.

    I know I am SO very grateful to have such a thoughtful, dedicated husband who is always watching over me and my needs!! Thank you for sharing this post and your Cultivating Submission series to remind me of some ways to support his needs. I'm off to thank him now.

    1. Yes, I've heard the same thing from Jason, that it's not easy to be the "heavy" or the "bad guy." (And I respect him so much for it!). I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and I hope you enjoy the other series I shared as well.

    2. This is beautifully written Jane!

      Once again, thank you for sharing details of your journey so openly. Reading this actually inspired me to have conversation with my man about what goes through his mind in the lead up/during a punishment. It was the first time in the six months we have been practicing this dynamic that he has been totally honest about the struggle and internal conflict associated with delivering a punishment. I know submission is a struggle for me at times, but not do dominants have it rough, too. We are very lucky and loved ladies indeed!

      Looking forward to your next post :) xx

    3. Kathryn,
      I'm so sorry I neglected to respond to your comment here. I somehow published it as I was posting a new post, and didn't manage to make it over. My apologies. I always try to respond to comments before posting a new post.

      I love that you were able to discuss your husband's reaction to discipline with him. Isn't it funny how we can get so caught up in what's happening with us, that we sometimes forget to consider how they might feel about things? I was shocked when Jason explained the internal struggle he had with all this. I do have to say the struggle seems to have diminished significantly over the years but still, it isn't easy.

      We are absolutely luck and loved! <3

  8. Once again, another great post to soak in and make me think. And one more to share with him. Thank you.


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