Sunday, January 8, 2017

Ten Excellent Ways to Complicate Your Relationship

We've had a few pretty intense posts lately! I hope this post is lighthearted yet thought-provoking. Thank you to my friend who suggested it! Please do keep in mind that this post is tongue-in-cheek and not picking on any of YOU but drawing from *my* personal experience. Happy Sunday. :)



TEN WAYS TO REALLY COMPLICATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

  1. Compare yourself to others. 
One really easy way to complicate your relationship, perhaps the most common, and one I certainly fell victim to myself (and still do sometimes!) is to compare your relationship to others. Not satisfied with your man's level of dominance? Not happy with how your submissive needs to learn to behave herself a bit better? Well, if you want to really make things difficult, I strongly recommend playing The Comparison Game, in which you look at others, and assume that you should be just like they are. Bonus points: bring up other couples in heated discussions with your spouse.


  1. Demand it all, now.

Sure, Rome wasn't built in a day, but relationships should be, right? Why not? If people can believe in love-at-first-sight, why not dom-at-first-wish or sub-at-first-frown? Yes, I know that experienced D/s or DD couples say that it takes a lot of time to do things like work out the kinks (see what I did there? Heh heh), and it takes a lot of communication and that you're going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but who has time for that? A nice way of making things a bit more challenging is by demanding it all now. And while you're at it, go ahead and try to run a 5k (most especially if you've never run one before) or attempt to climb Mount Washington (strong recommendation that you come at this cold). Let's be efficient and cross off all them things on your bucket list, eh?

  1. Do not tell your partner what your needs are.

In an effort to make this much harder than it needs to, it's imperative that you never communicate clearly. Subs, assume he knows that you want to feel his dominance, or that you need a good ol' stress relief spanking. Hey, isn't telling him what you need topping from the bottom anyway? While you're at it, maybe ask him to scratch your back but don't tell him where you're itchy, or sit down in front of him and tell him you're starving and ask him to figure out what you're craving. The Guessing Game is part of the fun, right? Doms, assume she knows you need space to process, or time alone, or time to adjust to something she's asked. Never ask her if her needs are met, and assume if she hasn't told you she's troubled or needy, that she isn't. Bonus points: Experienced couples, never discuss the changing needs of your dynamic, and assume things will remain stagnant.

  1. Tell your partner how to do things.
Another very efficient way of complicating your dynamic is to tell your partner how to do things. Submissives, be sure that you tell him exactly how he should be doing things. Tell him what implements to use, how long to spank you, what kind of rules must be part of your dynamic, and how he should perform aftercare. Doms, assume she knows already exactly what your expectations are for her and don't try to explain, or break her in easily. (Refer back to #2).

  1. Spend more time in fantasyland than reality.
Another great way to complicate things is by dwelling in fantasyland. I used to be so good at this,a nd heartily recommend it as one of the best ways to make yourself dissatisfied with what you have. Here are some ways to do it – immerse yourself in blogs, fiction, or discussion with other lifestylers, but be sure the time you spend in fantasyland far outweighs the time you actually spend communicating, being intimate with, and meeting the needs of your partner. Bonus points: Extra points if you can do this while denying your own needs to get good sleep, eat a balanced diet, get to the gym, or spending time with loved ones.

  1. Put your needs above your partner's. 
This is actually a fantastic way of complicating most relationships, not just a D/s dynamic. Stop thinking of the needs of others, and put your needs above all else. Your Dominant is working over time this week, isn't feeling well, or needs some down time? Well, for goodness sakes, that doesn't matter. Demand attention, and demand it now. I used to be so good at this and still do it quite well from time to time!Your need to feel his dominance is far more important than any need he has, right? Dominants: demand she obey but be sure you neglect to hold her, listen to her, and tell her she's special to you. Assume that making her obey will get her in tip top shape. After all, the other stuff is for guys trying to land a girl, right? You've already got her. Who has time to put down the video game/remote/phone and give her a little cuddle? Bonus points: make sex about you, too.

  1. Don't talk to each other
This one is quite easy to do. Don't discuss plans. Don't discuss your relationship. Don't discuss rules, or expectations, or needs. Assume your partner can read your mind, and if they can't, then go on back to suggestion number one.

  1. Talk to others instead of your partner.
When things go wrong, don't talk to your partner. Talk to someone else. I mean, this makes sense, right? The submissive you met in a chat room you've never met in real life knows you far better than the man who met you out of high school, held your hand while you delivered his baby, and helped you struggle with tragic loss and gains...right? Dominants, when your submissive misbehaves, tell another Dom! Validate your feelings of anger. Bonus points: extra super duper bonus points if, during times of struggle, you actually have the guts to pour your heart and soul to a member of the opposite sex.

  1. Assume your partner can read your mind
Gosh, this is pretty much a specialty of mine, and yet another strong recommendation I'd like to make for those interested in complicating their dynamic. It goes hand in hand with #3. Submissives: if it was really important to him, he would know, wouldn't he? So clearly, if he doesn't, somehow he failed miserably in Dom School (wait...you mean your husband didn't go to Dom School either? Didn't all of them??). Dominants: Never explain your reasoning behind a rule, expectation, or how you'd like your dynamic to play out. Your word is law, so why do you have to explain yourself? Isn't that what being a Dom is...laying down the law, and busting her ass if she fails to comply? Bonus points if you can send a text and assume they can read the tone, or between the lines.

  1. Fill your days so you have no time for each other.
And finally, my number one recommendation for complicating your dynamic: be sure you don't have any time for each other. Don't eat family meals together. Never go on dates. Don't talk or text during the day, or have sit-downs or check-in's where you go over shared goals, dreams, or responsibilities. Make everyone else far more important than the very person you pledged yourself to. Make volunteering, socializing, or work way more important than your spouse. Never vacation together. Don't make out, make love, or snuggle. Bonus points: go great lengths of time without fueling your intimacy.




And there you have it folks. I sincerely hope you don't take any of my advice! ;)

24 comments:

  1. Lol, but seriously tho, this is why the majority of relationships/marriages don't last in general and especially those who have any DD dynamic in place imho!

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    1. It's so hard to maintain this dynamic!

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  2. OMG Jane...I laughed and nodded my head through each of one these! Thank you for the wisdom given in such a wonderfully insane manner! :)

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. I'm glad you appreciated the humor, Cat!! :D

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  3. Jane:
    A truly brilliant and incisive post; this was a must read for everyone, dom or sub, who is serious about their relationship

    Rick

    Rick

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  4. I agree with you entirely, especially #2 & #3. I'd like to be a little farther along in our D/s dynamic. For that to happen, I need to be willing to share my needs. I'm believing going slow and steady will help our dynamic in the long run. Kitty

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    1. Kitty, I completely agree that in most circumstances, slow and steady is so much better!

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  5. With a disclaimer I disagree with #8. I know you meant this all as tongue and cheek, but for those reading, there *can be* benefits to talking to others BEFORE talking to your partner. **AT TIMES**. We all know there are times we need to clarify our thoughts and remove our emotions from them so reality is in the forefront. Another submissive, even if you start out 'just' knowing them online may not know YOU better than your spouse, but they may and often understand your NEED better than your spouse. ( I am by no means lobbing for subs to go and compile an excellent argument for why your Dom was wrong or anything along that line).

    As I suspect you are aware I do talk and quite frequently with another man...though I'm sure he'd object to being referred to as a mere man...LOL! I think as with anything common sense must prevail. What I mean to say is, so long as you don't couple this with points 1&5 you can talk to others to help you process. Others can also give you an insight into what perhaps your spouse is feeling so you can approach him/her in a way that isn't harmful. This requires some amount of personal reflection and taking things that are useful and dismissing things that are not,( much like any advice/support).

    Of course this also goes without saying that you need to have the right type of friends that click with you and your significant other. They don't have to have the same dynamic, or even ANY dynamic they just have to be your safe place to bounce before you land- with your partner. The key really is, that you have to LAND with your partner when all is said and done. I would say your motivation to talk to another is key here and if it is done with the best of intentions, and not to belittle your partner,but as a stepping stone to a solution, go for it.

    willie

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    1. Hi, Willie, I completely agree with your point, and actually just about a week or two ago, went to a submissive friend to ask her opinion on something before I went to Jason, because I wasn't sure how to even bring it up with him! She helped me understand, then I went to him (and did tell him I talked to her) and he of course completely understood.

      Because this is tongue-in-cheek, it's totally hyperbolic. I don't mean for all this advice to be taken literally, or to the letter. What I meant by number eight is that sometimes, taking one's woes outside of the intimacy of the dynamic can complicate a relationship at times. Again, I spoke of *my* personal experience, and I for sure went crying to others when I should've kept things close to home. Example: I was super mad at Jason once, so I went crying to another Dom. Bad idea. It hurt Jason, involved the other man unnecessarily, and could've been handled MUCH better. My Jason wants me to go to him first, and not to spread our dirty laundry all over the D/s community! lol That's not to say he forbids me chatting with others, but he wants us to make the effort to iron out things together, not drag others in. But is that the way for EVERYONE to do things in EVERY situation? Certainly not.

      As far as you chatting with others, you mention you suspect I'm aware you do? Honestly, I'm not sure why you'd think that, but I have no idea who you do or don't chat with, and if you did I would not judge, promise. I was referring to the type of situation like I mentioned above -- me being mad at Jason and running to another man, which hurt us both.

      In any event, I'm not even sure we're saying two different things, but I appreciate your speaking up!

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  6. Love love love this post. What a fun and lighthearted way to help us remember how ridiculous we can all be from time to time. Very well put too. Thank you!

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  7. J girl.. just stopped by and what a perfect post for me to read right now. Guilty as charged for most of these. I think I have just realized some of the things that may be complicating things for us. I am going to give this one some thought and hope I can begin to move ahead once again.

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    1. Annabelle, I'm glad this post came at the right time for you. I've been guilty of all these things and more! I hope that this helps! <3

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  8. These are all excellent, and I'll be sharing it with my Sir!

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    1. Lea, I'm glad you liked it. Thank you!

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  9. Just wanted to say how very much I appreciate and enjoy your openness to everyone and their differences. Not once while reading your blog have I ever felt a condescending tone...a this way or no way...
    I'm very blessed to be with my soul mate, & when I look back..know that i have been wired this way for as long as I can remember. I am grateful that I have been able to talk to him about much of this...many would cringe, but I ordered 50shades before it even hit our shelves..and it is thanks to that book that I found a way to talk to my husband about how the dynamic turned my crank (& what loving partner doesn't want to do that for you? lol)..but it was blogs like yours that gave me the deeper understanding of myself, and the acceptance that I needed to gradually express that i desired this outside of the bedroom as well...that THAT reeeaaallly turned my crank πŸ˜‰ (and what loving partner wouldn't want to do that for you as well?😊)
    Turns out my husband is incredibly affectionate, sent u all and loving.(lucky me😊)..& it turns out naturally dominant.(luck, lucky me☺) He thrives in this dynamic (maybe too well,I might think, lol.. as I sit here knowing that we have an "appointment"as soon as we have a block of time alone...but I digress..
    What I want to say is thanx😊
    I was already established with my husband, but blogs like yours make me feel not just normal, but luckier (does that make sense) lol
    Yours is one of the only I have "spoken" on..
    There is good reason for that...
    Just thought you should know☺
    Cheers.
    A (mostly) silent reader

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    1. Hey there, I apologize that several comments got hung up and I missed them when I replied this weekend. So I'm just getting to this now, belatedly.

      I'm SO happy that my little corner of blogland has helped you in your own acceptance of your dynamic and your own needs. This is partly why I blog, so that we know we aren't alone in all this, and I love that my writing met those needs for you. We ARE blessed, and being thankful for the gift of a loving Dom or Hoh, in whatever capacity that plays out for us, is so important. thank you for commenting! <3

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  10. Just wanted to say how very much I appreciate and enjoy your openness to everyone and their differences. Not once while reading your blog have I ever felt a condescending tone...a this way or no way...
    I'm very blessed to be with my soul mate, & when I look back..know that i have been wired this way for as long as I can remember. I am grateful that I have been able to talk to him about much of this...many would cringe, but I ordered 50shades before it even hit our shelves..and it is thanks to that book that I found a way to talk to my husband about how the dynamic turned my crank (& what loving partner doesn't want to do that for you? lol)..but it was blogs like yours that gave me the deeper understanding of myself, and the acceptance that I needed to gradually express that i desired this outside of the bedroom as well...that THAT reeeaaallly turned my crank �� (and what loving partner wouldn't want to do that for you as well?��)
    my husband is incredibly affectionate, sensual and loving.(lucky me��)..& it turns out naturally dominant.(luck, lucky me☺) He thrives in this dynamic (maybe too well,I might think, lol.. as I sit here knowing that we have an "appointment"as soon as we have a block of time alone...but I digress..
    What I want to say is thanx��
    I was already established with my husband, but blogs like yours make me feel not just normal, but luckier (does that make sense) lol
    Yours is one of the only I have "spoken" on..
    There is good reason for that...
    Just thought you should know☺
    Cheers.
    A (mostly) silent reader

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    1. Not sure if both comments were meant to post, but I wanted to say how very much I appreciate that you read my posts in a non-judgmental tone. I was afraid this particular post may have come across as judgmental, and I didn't want to sound judgy!

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  11. Thank you for your important wisdom put in a lighthearted manner. These are reminders that logically make sense but take work and intention to shift other familiars and patterns that one has resorted to in the past. Thank you for your continued insight and sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Jo. I always appreciate your comments! <3

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