Sunday, January 22, 2017

Them's Fightin' Words


A few weeks ago, Jason was cleaning out a drawer in our bedroom, and found a stack of those kitchy love coupon things I made for him years ago, so long ago that it was before we were into this whole spanky thing. How did we know? He called me to him, and showed me the cards. We laughed, and joked, but then he got to one that said, “Win One Fight.” He grinned, tossed it on the bed, and said, “Well, this one is now useless, since I win all the fights.” We laughed, and although he was being facetious, there was a ring of truth in what he says. Since I defer to his headship over me, he does  get the final say. I do defer to him. But of course there are times when I state my opinion and he changes his mind.

Then about a week ago, we were driving alone in the car, just the two of us, and we talked about fights. Jason laughed. “We do fight,” he said. “Then I win, you get spanked, and we all live happily ever after.” We laughed, because it was kind of funny…and sorta true. Now, I certainly don’t get spanked for disagreeing with him. What gets me spanked is when I lose my temper, and get disrespectful (which is most apt to happen when I’m feeling hurt). And there are certainly times when I state my case and he caves, and even sometimes when he does something wrong (shocker!), he has to admit that he was wrong, and ask for my forgiveness. We’re only human.

However, when people ask if we still argue or fight, I typically say, “We don’t really fight.” I don’t say, “We never fight,” but what I mean is…it’s really really rare. We communicate clearly and often, and the dynamic we have in place helps us sort things out. Disagreements, the huge majority of the time, are sorted out before we ever actually get upset with one another. We talk it out. He is the authority here, so most often I defer to him (sometimes I don’t, and that doesn’t usually end up very well for me.) So this is how it’s been now for several years.

So imagine how things went the other day, then, when Jason and I got into one of the worst fight we’ve had in years.

It was bad. Oh boy was it bad. I wasn’t even going to blog about it, to be honest, because it was just too raw. But I do like to keep things real here, and enough time has passed that I can talk about it without that little pang in my chest. Yeah, it was bad.

It was a night like any other. Things were going pretty well, actually. And out of the blue (for reasons he later explained to me, but I did not understand at the time), Jason made an executive decision without consulting me that I so totally didn’t agree with. Now, looking back on it? I can honestly say he made the right decision. But in the moment? I most vehemently disagreed with him.

This girl has a temper, y’all. I get feisty and outspoken and all that…I really am not a submissive person by nature. I am submissive to Jason, and I love our dynamic. But in regular every day life? It’s just not how I’m wired. Four years and a gazillion spankings later, I have for sure learned how to keep my tongue in check. Most of the time I can communicate to Jason submissively…respectfully…and still maintain honesty and transparency. But sometimes? Nope.

So I marched myself upstairs to him and gave him a piece of my mind. Oh the little angel on my shoulder was telling me to stop! Don’t do it! But the little devil on other shoulder spurred me on, and so, I confronted him. Heatedly. Angrily. Words flew. And Jason looked at me with that oh-so-implacable Dom look and told me exactly how things were going to go down. He told me he’d made up his mind, it was not up for discussion, and that was that.

I lost it. I swore at him (badly). I ranted and raved like a total spoiled brat. I was pissed. Now, I’m not going to get into details, but I will say that I had good reason to be upset, and I think that many in my situation would’ve reacted the same way. But as I stomped off, he yelled, “You’ll be sorry for the way you’re behaving.”

“I don’t care!” I screamed at him.

“Oh, you will,” he said.

I knew I was in trouble but I was too mad to care. This has happened to me a few times, and I’ve gone to Maisy and she’s been able to sort me out good, and I can bring myself up to Jason repentant and face the music. Not this time. I wouldn’t listen to her. I was too furious with him. After a while, I got myself together and decided I would go upstairs to him to discuss things rationally. What I really wanted to do was explain to him why I was right and he was wrong, and hopefully he would admit he was wrong. Ha! And then I’d get my ass spanked good and hard because did I ever mouth off. Sigh.

Nope. That didn’t happen. I did go upstairs, and we did talk calmly and rationally, but we were two damn stubborn people staunchly defending their positions. There was no give for either of us. I stormed off and got ready for bed, and curled up at the other end of the bed. I didn’t want to talk to him. In the past when we’ve had a disagreement like this, one or both of us were ready to come around by bedtime, and we were able to set things to rights again. That night? We were both too angry. He was way too angry with me to discipline me, and I was way too angry to submit anyway.

I slept horribly. So did he. The next morning, I woke up early, and by then, I was so ready to set things back to rights again, but I still felt justified in my anger. So when Jason was ready to deal with me, I went up, and I thought I was in a submissive mindset. I really wasn’t though. I was still angry with him. He called me to him, and pointed to the floor for me to kneel. Down I went.

“What is the rule we have in this house about being respectful?” Frowning, I spouted off the rule.

“What is your rule for swearing?” I told him, with a sigh.

“Did you obey me?”

At this point, I was squirming. “No, Daddy.”

“Get over my lap.” He stripped me, and he put me over his lap, and he gave me an awful spanking. I will readily admit I deserved it. We’ve been in this way too long for me to behave the way I did and get away with it. Even in the moment, I knew that. He spanked me long and hard, and I hated every single minute of it. When he was done, he pushed me back down on my knees and I was crying good and hard. I sniffled my way through and he gave me what felt like an obligatory hug and…I went on and on about why I got so mad at him. He went on and on about why he made the decision he did.

We were not okay! The spanking didn’t solve pretty much anything. My wall was still up, and so was his. So he left for work in a huff, and I bawled my eyes out.

Not. Fun.

God, that was an awful day. Simply awful. I ached from the spanking, but worse than that, my heart hurt from the disconnect with Jason. I wanted to be his babygirl. I wanted to be forgiven, and consoled. I wanted to be right again. We didn’t have reconciliation. My heart longed for it.



So I sat down and thought about everything. Why Jason made the decision he did. That if I really thought about it? He’d made the right decision. My heart was heavy as I went about my tasks for the day. I felt devastated, sick to my stomach, so eager to have him home. I picked up my phone, and I sent him a text. I told him I’d thought about what went wrong. That if I had come to him in a repentant state of mind instead of being defensive, that our morning would’ve gone off a lot smoother than it had. I told him the God’s honest truth.

“I’m so sorry.”

Minutes later, his reply came back to me. “I’m proud of you. You’re a good girl.”

I cried my eyes out. I still had to go about the day, and it wasn’t easy. When he finally came home, he was back…my Jason, my daddy was back. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was ready to be on, and ready to make things right. He brought me right upstairs, and he gave me a big hug, and we talked things out. He asked if I was feeling better…and the honest truth?

I wasn’t. I can’t even really explain why, but the whole experience was really hard to just “get over.” I couldn’t just “feel” right again. We had responsibilities to tend do, and we didn’t have time alone after than for a few hours. I still felt…distant from him. Lingering sadness. It wasn’t until our kids were in bed, that I snuggled up on his chest and cried it all out. He held me, and kissed me, and told me that all was forgiven. He assured me that he loves me, and that he tries so hard to do what’s best for our family, and that he knows it’s hard when I don’t agree, but that I had to trust him. I do. I really, really do. But sometimes, it’s just not easy.

So, the funny thing is? The next day, we were all over each other. We couldn’t stop touching each other, and smiling, and taking little moments to ourselves throughout the day. He held me, and we kissed, and he squeezed my hand or gave me a hug from behind when he walked in the kitchen. We spent every minute with each other. It took me by total surprise. This went on for days. It was just so good to be “right” with each other again.

I’ve found myself over his knee since then, but it was nothing like that fight. Gosh, nothing ever has been before and I sincerely hope that they won’t be like that again. We are used to being close, and connected, and understanding each other. We’re used to things being really, really good. It’s nice to not fight, or argue, and to be connected. But I guess that the fights still happen sometimes, and that’s okay. Because in the end, an awful breach like this did bring us closer together. We both learned from this. It wasn’t something I’d ever care to repeat, but at the same time, I’m almost sorta glad it happened. It was a good reminder that even though we understand each other in all this, that we’re still going to make mistakes. We’re still going to hurt each other.

But we aren’t going to give up. That, I think, makes all the difference.



26 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. This sounds so difficult and painful for both of you. I am so glad you worked it out!

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    1. It was, but thankfully it is behind us! Thank you, Molly.

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  2. Hi J Girl. Our relationship is kind of like you describe when it come sot fighting. Early in our marriage, we fought a lot. Now, it is really rare. Part of that is Domestic Discipline and having one HoH (her in our our case). Things just work better with a chain of command. It's also just getting older and a little more mature in our communications with each other. But, fights do still happen, and we have definitely experienced what you did with being so angry and disconnected that she won't punish me and, while I probably would submit if she did, it would be with resentment and wouldn't accomplish anything. Sometimes you just have to let it cool down. When it does, I usually do point out that things might have blown out faster if, instead of retreating into silence and recriminations she took a stronger position and tried to assert her authority. And, by that point I have usually come around to the view that she was right in the first place. And, I do believe that even if I was right, I do still need to be punished after the emotions settle down, because our agreement includes respecting her, and fighting like that doesn't reflect that respect if if understandable at the time.

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    1. Dan, I agree with you that "things are just better with a chain of command." I'm glad you could relate to what I shared here. It's not fun sharing these types of moments, but I think we learn from them and it strengthens the dynamic when all is said and done.

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  3. Awww Jane...sorry you and Jason went through such a rough patch but very happy to hear you are back on track. Really admire you for putting it out here to show people that it's not all giggles and roses...takes a lot of hard work. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. I appreciate it. <3

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  4. Gosh, I loved this post. I know you know this, but I'm VERY feisty and have a hard time with my tongue, so in situations like this, I definitely spout off. So I totally sympathize. I love your transparency and appreciate it--so the next time we hit a bump here, it won't feel so devastating. It helps to know others feel and go through the same things.It's a process. This post was amazing, real, heart-wrenching, and, in some respects, so educational, thank you for sharing your life with us. <3

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    1. Thank you, my friend. It is absolutely a process, and you're right, it helps when we hit bumps like this to know we are not alone.

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  5. Hello! I've been reading your blog for about a year and want to say that it often helps not to forget that the efforts are worth it.
    This post vividly highlights what I especially like about your relationship: You try to deal with dynamic of relationship consciously and fight for happiness.
    Unfortunately, I often saw an opposite example and even was such example myself.
    Thank you and good luck
    - just lurker from Russia, sorry for my English

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    1. Betad, thank you for reaching out and commenting (and your English is fine!). I think relationships worth having are worth fighting for, most especially with the man I've pledged my life to. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this story - it is so helpful to see your success, even after a difficult experience. This is what my husband and I are striving for, and your brave words inspire us to keep at it. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the "romance/fantasy" part of this lifestyle and forget that real people in real relationships have to put in true effort in order to reap the rewards. You do such a beautiful job of expressing that, and your work is appreciated!

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    1. Thank you. It can be so uncomfortable sharing moments like this, but as you said, it's easy to get wrapped up in fantasy and overlook the fact that lasting relationships are not the ones that don't face difficulties, but take the time to work them out. <3

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  7. Aw..jgirl. Contrast is often the yardstick by which we can measure how far we've come. And ya'll have come far based on how painful being out of synch felt. I can only imagine this painful detour down allowed for renewed intention, comittment and affirmed the value and joy in why you and Jason have chosen and create the wonderful dynamic you live in together. For anyone who ever doubted the consensual nature of this lifestyle, your story proves how this dynamic only works when there is willingness and commitment to put connection with each other above positioning of being right. It speaks to how dang hard we have to work at times to honor our emotions as well as not allow them to dictate the final outcome. In deep respect for the important and deep work you and Jason did together through this experience.

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    1. Jo, you make a really good point. The disconnect was grueling for both of us, and you are absolutely right. This little bump made us both more grateful for the "norm" that is peace and intimacy, the fruits of this dynamic over time. This is hard work, but it is so worth it!

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  8. Jane,
    Thank you so much for this post, and just your honesty in sharing these moments. I had read this post a few days ago, but didn't have time to comment. I'm back here rereading as we hit a little bump in the road at our house last night. While the situation is different, your experience just really helped me to take a breath and try to remember it is okay that sometimes this can be hard. Your last few lines have been my internal mantra today. Thank you for the reminder!

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    1. Hey there, while I'm sorry you experienced difficulty as well, I'm so glad you found a bit of encouragement here with our own experience. ((Hugs))

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  9. Ouch. I hate when it's just too emotionally involved to be a somewhat "easy" fix. But it is so freeing in being able to truly apologize, reconcile, and be understood. The closeness that follows is something that is truly amazing about this dynamic. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. It really is freeing being able to make things right again, in a way that isn't easy but thoroughly makes us both feel understood and eventually able to lay this to rest.

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  10. I have been reading your blog for a while and I've never commented on anything. I completely relate to so many of what you share, it was so amazing to find someone that understood this dynamic. I do have a question that's kind of unrelated. I how you have several children, what is your discipline philosophy with them? Do you spank them too? I'm a mom if 4 kids, they're all grown up now, but we did spank them as they were growing up. I never thought much about my desires to have this kind of discipline when they were young but it has definitely come back up since we don't need to discipline in this way any longer. Do you all practice this for your kids as well?

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    1. Hey there, thanks for your comment. I'm glad you enjoy the blog.

      I'm sorry, I don't like discussing my kids or child discipline on my blog. I will say that no way would I subject a child to the type of discipline I agree to as a consenting adult.

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  11. Sorry to hear about this.

    If it's not too forward to ask, how awful is an awful spanking in your family? Did your butt look like a hamburger, black and blue? Was there broken skin?

    It all ended well because you realized he was right. How would things have unfolded if he was not?

    I guess what I am wondering is, is Jason this amazing person who is always right, or are you simply filtering and posting only about those instances when you feel he is right, out of respect for him? Or maybe you consciously or subconsciously change your thinking retroactively in order to "make" him right?

    For a newbie like me, it is perhaps more important to know how you guys do conflict resolution when/if he is terribly and repeatedly wrong on something critically important. And if he is the unique man who is never wrong, what do the rest of us do, those of us married to men who are not infallible but still wanting D/s?

    So, suppose for the sake of the conversation that Jason is dead wrong on something very important, like college education for kids or their health care. Where do you draw the line? What matters would you NOT be prepared to sacrifice for the sake of your dynamics? What would make you want to withdraw consent? Have you ever been close to it?

    Sorry if I am asking questions that are too personal, in this already very deep and wonderful blog. It's the most difficult parts of the relationship that I find most helpful to those of us still wet behind the ears.

    Because, I mean, being wrong, having a wise one to overrule your wrongness and spank you hard for it - that sounds like a dream come true, I can live with that. I guess my question is, have you ever been punished for being right, and if yes, how did you deal with it?

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    1. Oh my goodness NO he would never break my skin. A hard spanking takes me beyond my pain tolerance, when I wish it would stop. He does not bruise me, mark me, or ever break my skin (and I certainly hope blog readers here can say the same about their own dynamics).

      QUOTE: "It all ended well because you realized he was right. How would things have unfolded if he was not?"

      We would have likely discussed it, and if he spanked me unnecessarily, he'd have apologized and done his best to make it up to me.

      "I guess what I am wondering is, is Jason this amazing person who is always right, or are you simply filtering and posting only about those instances when you feel he is right, out of respect for him? Or maybe you consciously or subconsciously change your thinking retroactively in order to "make" him right?"

      You know, honestly, I have to say that your questions are getting to be a bit much for me. I have been blogging for several years intentionally trying to be as brutally honest as possible, while still maintaining some privacy here. I never lie, stretch the truth, or cover things up, and the implication that I do is somewhat disturbing.

      Jason is not a god. He is a man, who is just as likely to be as wrong as any human being is. However, after years and years of practicing this lifestyle, we have a system in place so that he would not administer a serious spanking without having good cause, without discussing it at length with me, and without being VERY certain that it was only in my best interest to be disciplined firmly. I do filter what I post because I believe I have the right to privacy, and I do try never to husband bash or badmouth Jason unnecessarily. But I'm not hiding the truth, glossing over the truth, or somehow convinced myself to have a delusional belief about my husband's fallibility.

      We have come to the place where after many years of practice, this works for us, so yes, I submit fairly well most of the time, and yes, he meets my needs as a dominant very well. Is he perfect? Certainly not. Am I? No. Do we have a loving, working D/s dynamic with few bumps in the road? Absolutely. That is, after all, the goal for anyone who is seeking to life this life with authenticity, is it not?

      comment #2 to follow

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  12. QUOTE: "For a newbie like me, it is perhaps more important to know how you guys do conflict resolution when/if he is terribly and repeatedly wrong on something critically important. And if he is the unique man who is never wrong, what do the rest of us do, those of us married to men who are not infallible but still wanting D/s?"

    I will do a post on conflict resolution with the caveat that when a couple reaches the point of having worked out the "kinks" (pun intended) in a D/s dynamic, conflict is quite rare. And please stop implying my husband is perfect. He isn't. We are, however, able to communicate often and clearly so to avoid potential conflict. Is it really so hard to imagine a relationship in which conflict is rare? It isn't for me. My best friend is Maisy, and I don't recall a single instance of conflict with her in the past few years. Occasional disagreements are very quickly sorted out because we know each other, are kind to one another, and seek to be selfless in our friendship.

    "So, suppose for the sake of the conversation that Jason is dead wrong on something very important, like college education for kids or their health care. Where do you draw the line? What matters would you NOT be prepared to sacrifice for the sake of your dynamics? What would make you want to withdraw consent? Have you ever been close to it?"

    Matters that conflict with my personal belief system would be a no-go for me and I would tell him no. But given that our belief systems are so similar (I wouldn't have married him if they weren't), we honestly don't have major disagreements like that. There have been times I submitted when I disagreed only to find out he was right, and there have been times I submitted and he freely admitted he'd been wrong. This is why we talk so much.

    "Sorry if I am asking questions that are too personal, in this already very deep and wonderful blog. It's the most difficult parts of the relationship that I find most helpful to those of us still wet behind the ears."

    I think the tone of my response is somewhat defensive here, but I have to be honest with you. You have asked straight questions, and I've sought to give you straight answers. You have to understand that after 4 1/2 years of working hard at making my relationship with Jason work, I am fiercely defensive of Jason. He is so, SO good to me, every single day. I adore him. I would lay down my life for him. So it's hard for me to hear him judged or criticized, and it's hard when I put myself in a place of vulnerability so often (which I find difficult to do), to read comments that question the very authenticity I try so hard to achieve.

    "Because, I mean, being wrong, having a wise one to overrule your wrongness and spank you hard for it - that sounds like a dream come true, I can live with that. I guess my question is, have you ever been punished for being right, and if yes, how did you deal with it?"

    I am sure it's possible there were times -- this isn't a perfect life, and I know he has been wrong. But off the top of my head, I can't recall when or why this happened.

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  13. Hey YJZPD...I was in my first ttwd relationship for 18 years and the second for about 3 years and I can tell you that the secret to a successful ttwd relationship is a lot of hard, painful work based on honest and open communication. It means facing your own warts as well as your partners and working to fix yourself. With J&J being together for so long and putting in a lot of hard work, they have been able to get to the point where most disagreements don't even reach the stage of disagreement, let alone the argument stage.

    Yes, I will tell you that in all those years, there were several times I was "unfairly" disciplined but then again, there were times I was unfair also. Sh*t happens.

    BTW, the ttwd wives I know, even when relating an incident are not going to bash their husbands...no successful relationship (ttwd or vanilla) can survive that kind of negativity.

    Sorry if I stuck my nose where I shouldn't have, Jane.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Cat, you aren't overstepping. I appreciate your support. You make some great points. Thank you. <3

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    2. YJZPD -- one more final note. I said that I would write on conflict resolution. But when I tried to do it, I realized I don't have much to say about that at the moment, as we don't have a lot of conflict. I think if you would find it helpful, there are many posts on the blog that do discuss it, so I hope that helps.

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