Sunday, February 5, 2017

Taking Down My Walls

I was a little upset with Jason this morning. I wanted him to come with me somewhere (we had planned on it), and he decided it was better for him not to go. I expressed my opinion and he expressed his decision. That’s how it goes here a lot of the time – I offer my perspective, he listens, then he does what he thinks is best. So, I prepared to leave (under protest, but I didn’t act disrespectfully) and before I left, I kissed him. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and whispered, “When you are done, you come straight home to check in. No running around to do errands or anything. Come straight back to me.”

So, I did, and as soon as I came in, I heard him call my name. I went up to him. He was already waiting for me in our room, with his “magic wand.” I knelt and showed him my to-do list, and we discussed it while I tucked my head up against his chest. I sure love that connection with him, and I really needed it this morning. We discussed my list and our plans for the day, and then he said, “Drop your pants and climb over daddy’s lap. Now.” He wasn’t angry, but he was very serious. So over I went, bared and ready to take my morning spanking.

“You need a good dose of this today,” he said. “I can feel it. You need to be reminded who’s in charge here. You need to do what your daddy says, and behave yourself. Are you going to obey daddy?”

I was squirming and kicking my feet, but he held me fast. “Yes, daddy,” I said, and on and on he went. Lawdy, did that hurt. It wasn’t as bad as a punishment spanking, but it was good and thorough.

“You’ll stay on track with your list today, and come to me if you need me,” he said, while peppering me good and hard with swats. “You’ll speak respectfully and obey your daddy. You’ll remember your place.” I was nodding and affirming everything he said in my most submissive voice ever, until finally he was done. This was not a sexy kinda morning. This was about putting me in my place.
Keeping my walls down.

The beauty of a working D/s dynamic is that the walls are broken down -- the walls that hold me back from being soft, sweet, and submssive...vulnerable. I can feel them. It’s almost a hardening of my heart toward him. When he spanks me, those walls break down. I can’t hide. I can’t hold back. I’m stripped of all that holds me back from him, and reduced to nothing but utter transparency. Delivering a spanking is one of the most overtly dominant actions, and my going over his knee is one of the most overtly submissive actions. This is why he spanks me nearly every day.

The walls I put up to avoid being hurt. When I am upset with Jason, those walls begin to creep back up. 

After he spanked me this morning, I felt “little.” I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not really little in the sense of a babygirl who likes stuffies or coloring (I have no personal aversion to either, they just don’t attract me). I just feel sort of…quiet. My spirit feels little, because there are no walls that keep me apart from Jason. After he spanks me, he often says, “Ah, there’s my good girl back,” or “there she is, my sweet girl is back again.” When he spanks me to show me he’s boss, like he did this morning, I’m left feeling bared in more ways than one. My heart is laid bare.

He put down the rod, and rubbed my stinging skin, then let me go. I stood and climbed right on up in his lap and tucked my head up against his neck, my arms going around his neck. He held me like that, rocking me a little. “You’re such a good girl for daddy,” he said, and honest to God, if I were a cat I would’ve purred. I sort of melted into him and smiled and giggled. I can’t help it. When I need a spanking, and get that type of spanking that reminds me to obey him, my walls are torn down.

This is why he spanks me so frequently. If he doesn’t, my dominant side comes back out. The dominant side of me is a goal-setter and a go-getter. I manage my house and the needs of my children. I balance budgets and tackle laundry and orchestrate calendars. I teach and guide and instruct. I mop floors and cook meals, return library books, wrap birthday gifts, and make doctor’s appointments. I write books and prepare book launches and correspond with editors and clean out my inbox. I do all the very many things that need to be done, just like all of you do. I have to access the dominant part of my brain to get things done.

For me to be submissive, I need those walls brought down again. 

When I’m upset about something? I build those walls so fast you’d think I was a bricklayer. Up the walls go. I might obey outwardly but my heart isn’t inwardly softened toward Jason. Brick by brick, layer by layer, I keep him apart from me when I’m hurt. When I’m a raging hormonal lunatic, those bricks are ever so handy. Up those walls go, and he knows when the walls are up. He says he can feel it when he holds me, and see it in my eyes.


There are several ways he brings those walls back down again. Sometimes it’s a snuggle and some sweet daddy time. Sometimes we need to have a good talk, and sometimes (ahem) we need to get down to business, because intimacy has a way of baring me to him once again. But sometimes the most efficient way of getting me back to “sweet, submissive, and surrendered,” is by taking me across his lap, not even just across his knee like he’s wont to do, but straight up off the floor and strewn over his lap.


He likes me to feel the sting every day. I like the feel, the reminder that I’m his. In the beginning it was oh so hard to put myself out there, to allow myself to surrender to him. I feared rejection. I feared being hurt. I didn't want what was so important to me to be belittled, or misunderstood. I wanted him to understand, and I'll always love him for understanding so very well. 

The longer we are at this, it becomes so much easier and yet so much harder. Easier to submit. Easier to obey. Easier to trust. And it becomes so much harder in other ways. Meeting his high expectations. Submitting to a punishment. The thought of being separated from him. Not just taking those walls down, but leaving them down. 


18 comments:

  1. I love this post, I can so relate. I had a lot of walls, meant to be premanent. Master will tell anyone, getting those walls down, brick by brick, was one of the hardest things He has ever accomplished. But how much nicer life is without walls...hugs abby

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    1. I agree, Abby. It is so much nicer, even if the process is a bit painful! Thanks for stopping by. <3

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  2. I love the way you broke it down, Jane (no pun intended). I had a lot of trust issues and was a master wall builder when I met Matthew and he was a master wall destroyer. So happy Jason's got ya.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat! I'm glad you have your Matthew as well. ((hugs))

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  3. Beautifully described. I am absolutely a person with walls up. They come down, I am hurt, and then they go back up even thicker than before. I am like this in all relationships, though it is not healthy. Thankfully in this dynamic with my man I am more open and honest with him than I have ever been in 10 years of marriage. He is a no nonsense type of guy and it forces the honesty out of me and the walls come down and reconciliation follows. I'll never really understand why we are so emotionally driven but this dynamic is so freeing to me and I wish it wasn't misunderstood or taken out of context by so many. I feel like more relationships would benefit from this, if couples felt they could speak more openly about it and would seek to understand what works for them.

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    1. I agree that the removal of power struggles and the intimacy this dynamic brings would be beneficial to so many. I completely feel the same that you do -- that I can be more open and honest than I have ever been, and that's what makes our marriage so much sweeter, that I can trust him with that, and not to hurt me.

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  4. Thank you! This post has just answered a question I posted on your fb a few days ago, regarding the way you manage to deal with all the things which need to be done everyday. I don't know if you took that question into consideration, or if this is just a coincidence, but to me, it is a very good answer. You have a way of analyzing your emotions and of expressing what you feel that I truly find helpful in understanding my emotions and my feelings. Thank you!

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    1. Hi, Alina, I am glad this answered your question. I wasn't sure how to answer your question when you posed it, because I really don't do everything! I mostly compartmentalize and stick to a schedule. But I'm glad this helped, and appreciate your feedback. ((HHugs))

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  5. Jane,

    You have such a way with words and expressing your feelings. This was a beautiful post that truly captured the issues with wall building. Thank you again for your transparency here, please know it is so very helpful!! A grateful reader

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    1. I am so glad you find it helpful, and appreciate the support! <3

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  6. Simply beautiful J-girl. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Thank you again for anything wonderfully insightful piece. Is there an email we can contact you on, or should all questions be written as comments? Hope you're well :)

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    1. Hi, Kathryn, at the very bottom of the page is a contact form. That goes straight to my inbox. But my email is jasonsgirl001@gmail.com if you'd prefer to shoot a message straight to me. :)

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    2. There's something on my mind and I would greatly appreciate your insight into the situation. My boyfriend and I have been exploring this dynamic for about 7 months now and so far, it's been amazing for us. We're both young and still living at home, as moving out is not yet financially feasible, he just having started full time work and me still being a student. We manage to carry out most discipline without having to wait too long (when there is privacy at either house, silent implements, going for drives etc). He has travel plans later in the year and we will be apart for close to 2 months. I'm super excited for him but nervous about how our DD/Ds dymanic will play out during that time. Can you offer any advice on how to keep things steady during that time apart, as well as ideas of what can be done right before he leaves and when he gets back to keep us on track? Thanks in advance :)

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    3. Hey there, yes, Jason and I have been apart a few times during the past 5 years or so. We have a good, steady rhythm going where we check in with each other in the morning, so we keep that up even when traveling (going over my rules and I call him "Daddy," and the like -- whatever works). He also checks in with me before bed, and I have certain rules in place that help (I'm usually traveling for social purposes so he makes sure that I am careful with not overbooking or drinking too much etc, but if he were traveling and I were home, he'd likely be on me about going to bed on time, etc). Some couples use a couple app or something similar that is "private" and keeps things between them. Any discipline that has to happen (and it has happened) is dealt with when we're together again, but if there is no discipline necessary, then we usually have a good, long connection spanking when we're together again. I won't lie -- it's not easy. I keep busy and the like, but being apart is simply not easy to do, and I miss him like crazy. Some couples find long-distance DD works if they have facetime or skype, and they also focus on alternative punishments if discipline is necessary, rather than waiting. I would suggest staying very busy, and focused with a to-do list and goals. Before he goes away, try to solidify your rules so that you know what he expects in his absence. I hope that helps!! ((hugs))

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  8. I know it doesn't really belong to this post, but I just wanted to let you know, that I've read all of the 4 Boston Dom series books - the first one was on sale and got me hooked. I really enjoyed them and I hope there will be more (Elena, Nora, Diego, Blake - so many opportunities...).

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    1. Thank you so much! We love writing that series and will continue. Blake's story is out next Friday the 24th, and then we have more to follow. :)

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