I was a little upset with Jason this morning. I wanted him to come with me somewhere (we had planned on it), and he decided it was better for him not to go. I expressed my opinion and he expressed his decision. That’s how it goes here a lot of the time – I offer my perspective, he listens, then he does what he thinks is best. So, I prepared to leave (under protest, but I didn’t act disrespectfully) and before I left, I kissed him. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and whispered, “When you are done, you come straight home to check in. No running around to do errands or anything. Come straight back to me.”
So, I did, and as soon as I came in, I heard him call my name. I went up to him. He was already waiting for me in our room, with his “magic wand.” I knelt and showed him my to-do list, and we discussed it while I tucked my head up against his chest. I sure love that connection with him, and I really needed it this morning. We discussed my list and our plans for the day, and then he said, “Drop your pants and climb over daddy’s lap. Now.” He wasn’t angry, but he was very serious. So over I went, bared and ready to take my morning spanking.
“You need a good dose of this today,” he said. “I can feel it. You need to be reminded who’s in charge here. You need to do what your daddy says, and behave yourself. Are you going to obey daddy?”
I was squirming and kicking my feet, but he held me fast. “Yes, daddy,” I said, and on and on he went. Lawdy, did that hurt. It wasn’t as bad as a punishment spanking, but it was good and thorough.
“You’ll stay on track with your list today, and come to me if you need me,” he said, while peppering me good and hard with swats. “You’ll speak respectfully and obey your daddy. You’ll remember your place.” I was nodding and affirming everything he said in my most submissive voice ever, until finally he was done. This was not a sexy kinda morning. This was about putting me in my place.
Keeping my walls down.
The beauty of a working D/s dynamic is that the walls are broken down -- the walls that hold me back from being soft, sweet, and submssive...vulnerable. I can feel them. It’s almost a hardening of my heart toward him. When he spanks me, those walls break down. I can’t hide. I can’t hold back. I’m stripped of all that holds me back from him, and reduced to nothing but utter transparency. Delivering a spanking is one of the most overtly dominant actions, and my going over his knee is one of the most overtly submissive actions. This is why he spanks me nearly every day.
The walls I put up to avoid being hurt. When I am upset with Jason, those walls begin to creep back up.
After he spanked me this morning, I felt “little.” I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not really little in the sense of a babygirl who likes stuffies or coloring (I have no personal aversion to either, they just don’t attract me). I just feel sort of…quiet. My spirit feels little, because there are no walls that keep me apart from Jason. After he spanks me, he often says, “Ah, there’s my good girl back,” or “there she is, my sweet girl is back again.” When he spanks me to show me he’s boss, like he did this morning, I’m left feeling bared in more ways than one. My heart is laid bare.
He put down the rod, and rubbed my stinging skin, then let me go. I stood and climbed right on up in his lap and tucked my head up against his neck, my arms going around his neck. He held me like that, rocking me a little. “You’re such a good girl for daddy,” he said, and honest to God, if I were a cat I would’ve purred. I sort of melted into him and smiled and giggled. I can’t help it. When I need a spanking, and get that type of spanking that reminds me to obey him, my walls are torn down.
This is why he spanks me so frequently. If he doesn’t, my dominant side comes back out. The dominant side of me is a goal-setter and a go-getter. I manage my house and the needs of my children. I balance budgets and tackle laundry and orchestrate calendars. I teach and guide and instruct. I mop floors and cook meals, return library books, wrap birthday gifts, and make doctor’s appointments. I write books and prepare book launches and correspond with editors and clean out my inbox. I do all the very many things that need to be done, just like all of you do. I have to access the dominant part of my brain to get things done.
For me to be submissive, I need those walls brought down again.
When I’m upset about something? I build those walls so fast you’d think I was a bricklayer. Up the walls go. I might obey outwardly but my heart isn’t inwardly softened toward Jason. Brick by brick, layer by layer, I keep him apart from me when I’m hurt. When I’m a raging hormonal lunatic, those bricks are ever so handy. Up those walls go, and he knows when the walls are up. He says he can feel it when he holds me, and see it in my eyes.
There are several ways he brings those walls back down again. Sometimes it’s a snuggle and some sweet daddy time. Sometimes we need to have a good talk, and sometimes (ahem) we need to get down to business, because intimacy has a way of baring me to him once again. But sometimes the most efficient way of getting me back to “sweet, submissive, and surrendered,” is by taking me across his lap, not even just across his knee like he’s wont to do, but straight up off the floor and strewn over his lap.
He likes me to feel the sting every day. I like the feel, the reminder that I’m his. In the beginning it was oh so hard to put myself out there, to allow myself to surrender to him. I feared rejection. I feared being hurt. I didn't want what was so important to me to be belittled, or misunderstood. I wanted him to understand, and I'll always love him for understanding so very well.
The longer we are at this, it becomes so much easier and yet so much harder. Easier to submit. Easier to obey. Easier to trust. And it becomes so much harder in other ways. Meeting his high expectations. Submitting to a punishment. The thought of being separated from him. Not just taking those walls down, but leaving them down.