Sunday, May 14, 2017

In which J Girl misses her daddy like crazy...

Good morning, readers! It’s good to be blogging again.

Last week, I was traveling away from Jason, and I really did have a fantastic trip. I went to a writing conference with Maisy, met some of my fellow writers, and learned so very much. I loved it. There are several plans in place for more writing-related travel this year. It really is the most fun.

I wondered before I left how everything would go. After all, it wasn’t like this was my first time going to a writing conference. It was my third, and the last one I went to was just last year. It was a bit of a longer trip, though, as I added travel time to see my family, so I was gone an extra day. And Jason and I are in a different place than we were. 

In the interest of being honest, I have to admit, being apart from Jason was incredibly difficult. I try to keep things real here on this blog. Some of you have dynamics very similar to ours, so I like to explain both the good times and the bad, so I am going to be very honest about how things went while we were apart.

A few months ago I blogged about the three different stagesof a D/s dynamic. Many of you said that resonated with you. Jason and I are pretty heavily into the third stage. At the third stage, there isn’t a lot of trial and error anymore. I rarely get into trouble. We understand one another’s needs, and there is a heavy power exchange that happens between the two of us on a regular basis. It’s a beautiful thing, really. This is just the natural way of relating with one another. Our marriage thrives with this dynamic in place, and neither of us would ever change it. 

There are downsides, though, and one of those downsides that became very apparent was when we were separated from one another. It was very difficult for us both to be apart. Before I left, Jason couldn’t get enough of me. He held me, talked to me, doted on me, and spent every minute he could with me. It was really pretty sweet. “I’m going to miss you so much, little girl,” he said just before I left. I knew I would miss him, too, but I was on auto-pilot preparing to leave. 

I left on Tuesday, and Jason called me. He was struggling doing everything that has to happen around here. With a large family, that’s a real lot. He can handle it, though. So we talked, and he was really fine. I missed him like crazy. While I was away I called, and texted, but it was quite busy. The first day he did our long-distance check-in (I explained how that works in this post when I went to last year's conference), and it worked well. I whispered my rules into the phone, and went about my day. 

Thursday we didn’t check in. That was a mistake.

I had some signs that things were starting to spiral out for me, but I ignored them. 

Jason and I have a heavy power exchange here. I rely on him for a lot. Readers have actually written to me (a good number), expressing concern about my dependency on him. “What would happen if he is gone?” they ask. “How will you function?” And yes, developing dependency is a concern, of course, but it’s a risk that we are willing to take. The pay-off of a working D/s relationship when we are both so inclined toward these roles is amazing. I simply would not trade it. 

As regular readers here know, Jason keeps my days pretty structured. Every day, he goes over my to-do list with me and helps order my day. He goes over my rules, and I go over his lap. 

This keeps me in my submissive head space, clears my mind, and gives me a good dose of feel-good hormones for the day ahead. I have an allowance and a budget, but I don’t spend a set amount of money without asking him first. He has very decided tastes in how I dress, and he picks out clothes for me. He has an opinion about my hair, my nails, and my make-up. He keeps me accountable to my health goals, doesn’t allow me sugar without permission, and makes sure I get to the gym. He pays all of our bills. When he takes me out to eat, I am not even allowed to look at the bill. I have a daily schedule I follow, and a bedtime. He manages my career by paying my bills, guiding my correspondences, and encouraging me to make sound business decisions. In short, my day is completely structured. We have routines. We have structure. He is my dominant partner, and I thrive under his leadership. 

When I was away, almost none of that happened. In retrospect, we really should have planned better. I assumed that having some time off from the structure would be great, and that I’d be so busy with my conference, I wouldn’t even miss it. Well, I was wrong. I really, really needed my daddy. 

By Friday, I was on the verge of spiraling. I tried on every outfit I’d brought with me, and couldn’t decide what to wear. Maisy gave me some advice, and I finally just decided on an outfit. I didn’t know if I should let my hair stay naturally curly or straighten it. I looked at the options for conference classes to go to, and couldn’t process it. I had taken in so much advice, and had many thoughts about my career progressing. It was exciting…but very overwhelming. We went out to a breakfast buffet with another writing friend, and they took out the conference list of workshops. I couldn’t handle the discussion. I didn’t know what was happening, but I didn’t feel good. I couldn’t breathe, or hear anyone talking. I simply looked at Maisy, got to my feet, grabbed my phone, and told her I had go.
She’s my best friend. She understood. 

I left the restaurant, called Jason, and thankfully he answered. I walked outside, where it was cool and lightly raining, and cried and cried on the phone to Jason. I am prone to anxiety attacks but haven’t had them in a while, and I hadn’t realized I was having one until I breathed in the cool air outside. Jason talked to me. I told him how overwhelming it all was, and even then hadn’t fully processed just how out of the norm I was. After I was calm again, he told me to call him again later, and I went back inside.

I was pretty embarrassed, but my friends were there, and they were understanding. I told them I’d had an anxiety attack. Maisy asked if we could identify what had triggered them and I really couldn’t yet, until I went upstairs and processed through everything. I talked to Jason again, made a plan, and the rest of the conference really was great. 

But I could not wait to get home. 

Essentially, what happened is that I wasn’t prepared for handling my day without the structure I’ve come to rely on. Am I capable of handling myself? Well, yes. But it was a serious reality check. Having a dynamic upon which a power exchange is built makes independence tricky. Is that enough of a reason not to have one then? Not for us. It simply means that I know now that I am dependent on him, and when we are apart, we will have to establish routine and structure. Eventually, when we can, he will likely travel with me. And some day if anything happened to him, I would have a hard go of it. I just would. But I would learn how to deal. I would have to. 

We’ve given this much thought. We’ve talked about it at length. Fear of separation simply isn’t enough of a reason to stop the exchange of power we’ve come to embrace. The pay-off is far too beautiful to give that up because of fear. Yes, I had an anxiety attack. But I survived it. Things happen. We learn, and we do better. We have no control over whether or not either of us will be here tomorrow. So today, we embrace this dynamic. 

When I came home, it was so nice to be back with my family. My kids hugged me, and I loved on them. I had missed them so very much. But when Jason came in the room, I held tight, and I couldn’t help it. I buried my head in his chest and cried. I needed my daddy. He held me for a very long time, until my tears subsided, and we gradually got back to where we were before I left. 

The next time this happens, we will have better systems in place. New routines? A way to keep the structure despite travel? And I will be aware of my own cues so that I can avoid a place of complete overwhelm again. 

But for now? I am so very happy to be back home with my daddy.


  1. Being apart is one of the hardest things with this type or relationship. I'm glad you are back together and all is well!

  2. Hi J Girl,

    Your posting strikes some chords with me regarding concerns I've had about our Female-led form of power exchange. Submission is really difficult for me sometimes, and part of the difficulty lies in my concerns about whether submitting to someone in one part of my life could have blowback in other parts, including my professional life. I've succeeded in my career to some extent because I impose a lot of control and assume a lot of responsibility. So, if I empower someone else to make big decisions for me in my life and if deferring to someone else's judgment becomes my new normal, will it make me less effective in those professional areas that require taking control and making the decisions.

    In practice, it hasn't been a big concern, but that could be because while you and Jason are in Stage 3, we are somewhere in the early part of Stage 2. I don't know whether my concerns might start to have some reality if we were in the stage you are.

    Do you think there is any way that you could build independence in some areas into your D/s relationship, such that one of the goals Jason gives you or rules he sets could be about taking control or being independent in certain areas? That way he would be setting the direction and the overall behavior he expects, but that could involve him requiring you to take control and exercise independent judgment in some areas?

    Or, it very well may be that Stage 3 does cause some co-dependence that may have negative consequences, but that those are outweighed by the benefits you get out of it. That's a judgment only you and Jason are in a place to make.

    1. Hi, Dan. Thanks so much for your feedback. Jason and I have been discussing this. I am given some independence, and can often handle it well, but I think whay we are going to try is more regularity or routine when the normal routine is awry. Thanks so much for your feedback. There's always something to learn!

  3. Thank you for this post and so glad you are back in daddy's arms. I sorry that your mind and body registered all the good stress in the way that it did when you were at the conference. Like you, I have had similar experiences that I believe is the body and mind's way of reminding me to really pay attention and take care of myself and my own voice. It is one of the reasons why the DD lifestyle is attractive to me. It offers very concrete ways to consistently pay attention to the life we are here to live and give ourselves permission to be fully the nuances of who we are.

    I feel like it's really important to clarify the meaning of "co-dependency". This term originates as a clinical substance abuse term that indicates patterns of behavior that aid addictive and/or dysfunctional family systems which can be expressed through behaviors such as manipulation and secrecy to get some thing that feels scarce in ones life. Often, these patterns are unconscious until the addiction and/or co-dependent behavior has created significant repeated loss in one's life.

    I believe what Jgirl has shared from her heart with her journey in DD and what I see consistently in couples working within DD and many D/s structures couldn't be more opposite to what I understand co-dependency to be. For a start, to enter into a DD relationship there is very conscious, deliberate and intentional choices being made with consensuality as a cornerstone to entering into this type of dynamic. Open and honest communication is paramount to the sustainability of relationship and speaks to the constant review of conscious and unconscious patterns that may be helping or hindering the intimacy of the partnership. Tools like spanking and other forms of correction and interaction within the power exchange demonstrate the very practical commitment of both parties to finding healthy and sustainable ways of living a meaningful and healthy relationship. When I see DD bringing about more harmony, more authentic conversation, more truth telling, more expressed care, love and intimacy, this is not the patterns of pain and broken relationships I've seen in co-dependent relationships to produce.

    It does not mean I do not carry the same cultural fear that is prevalent here in the West. We pride ourselves on independence and glorify only the strength of this especial in the blueprint of maleness that has shaped both men and women. In part, this is why it is hard to be openly submissive for me in this culture. The strength and beauty of the submissive role is kept secret so in many ways just to be submissive you are operating at a very independent level. Many of us don't have an open visible community to be D/s partners together in.

    I too have assessed and asked myself countless times if I need my Hoh too much. This is my fear of "falling" in love; of experiencing a level of vulnerability to be one with another. And so I have asked myself if I am co-dependent. And at the same time I am in a relationship where a big level of independence is asked of me and so it is easy to look at others and wonder if that means I haven't gotten deeper into the next stage of dynamic. But then I just have to remind myself, it's about the "us" we are creating. We only have the gift of the present moment. Life will change, but I can not create intentionally on "what ifs"
    so I'll create on what is, today and what I know is this dynamic is life giving, is personally and collectively with another human being some of the most powerful creation I have experienced. It's a good thing so I'll keep doing it until another present moment offers something different.

    1. "It offers very concrete ways to consistently pay attention to the life we are here to live and give ourselves permission to be fully the nuances of who we are."

      Yes. Exactly!!

      Thanks so much for explaining what co-dependence really means. I've gone back And edited the post for clarification. I do not believe this is co-dependence but yes, interdependence, and I do believe it is healthy (though at times, we need to find ways of dealing with the challenges).

      This is beautifully stated, and resonates so much. Thank you for your insight.

  4. Glad things went well for the most part. There is nothing like home and being home with loved ones.


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