Good morning, readers! It’s good to be blogging again.
Last week, I was traveling away from Jason, and I really did have a fantastic trip. I went to a writing conference with Maisy, met some of my fellow writers, and learned so very much. I loved it. There are several plans in place for more writing-related travel this year. It really is the most fun.
I wondered before I left how everything would go. After all, it wasn’t like this was my first time going to a writing conference. It was my third, and the last one I went to was just last year. It was a bit of a longer trip, though, as I added travel time to see my family, so I was gone an extra day. And Jason and I are in a different place than we were.
In the interest of being honest, I have to admit, being apart from Jason was incredibly difficult. I try to keep things real here on this blog. Some of you have dynamics very similar to ours, so I like to explain both the good times and the bad, so I am going to be very honest about how things went while we were apart.
A few months ago I blogged about the three different stagesof a D/s dynamic. Many of you said that resonated with you. Jason and I are pretty heavily into the third stage. At the third stage, there isn’t a lot of trial and error anymore. I rarely get into trouble. We understand one another’s needs, and there is a heavy power exchange that happens between the two of us on a regular basis. It’s a beautiful thing, really. This is just the natural way of relating with one another. Our marriage thrives with this dynamic in place, and neither of us would ever change it.
There are downsides, though, and one of those downsides that became very apparent was when we were separated from one another. It was very difficult for us both to be apart. Before I left, Jason couldn’t get enough of me. He held me, talked to me, doted on me, and spent every minute he could with me. It was really pretty sweet. “I’m going to miss you so much, little girl,” he said just before I left. I knew I would miss him, too, but I was on auto-pilot preparing to leave.
I left on Tuesday, and Jason called me. He was struggling doing everything that has to happen around here. With a large family, that’s a real lot. He can handle it, though. So we talked, and he was really fine. I missed him like crazy. While I was away I called, and texted, but it was quite busy. The first day he did our long-distance check-in (I explained how that works in this post when I went to last year's conference), and it worked well. I whispered my rules into the phone, and went about my day.
Thursday we didn’t check in. That was a mistake.
I had some signs that things were starting to spiral out for me, but I ignored them.
Jason and I have a heavy power exchange here. I rely on him for a lot. Readers have actually written to me (a good number), expressing concern about my dependency on him. “What would happen if he is gone?” they ask. “How will you function?” And yes, developing dependency is a concern, of course, but it’s a risk that we are willing to take. The pay-off of a working D/s relationship when we are both so inclined toward these roles is amazing. I simply would not trade it.
As regular readers here know, Jason keeps my days pretty structured. Every day, he goes over my to-do list with me and helps order my day. He goes over my rules, and I go over his lap.
This keeps me in my submissive head space, clears my mind, and gives me a good dose of feel-good hormones for the day ahead. I have an allowance and a budget, but I don’t spend a set amount of money without asking him first. He has very decided tastes in how I dress, and he picks out clothes for me. He has an opinion about my hair, my nails, and my make-up. He keeps me accountable to my health goals, doesn’t allow me sugar without permission, and makes sure I get to the gym. He pays all of our bills. When he takes me out to eat, I am not even allowed to look at the bill. I have a daily schedule I follow, and a bedtime. He manages my career by paying my bills, guiding my correspondences, and encouraging me to make sound business decisions. In short, my day is completely structured. We have routines. We have structure. He is my dominant partner, and I thrive under his leadership.
When I was away, almost none of that happened. In retrospect, we really should have planned better. I assumed that having some time off from the structure would be great, and that I’d be so busy with my conference, I wouldn’t even miss it. Well, I was wrong. I really, really needed my daddy.
By Friday, I was on the verge of spiraling. I tried on every outfit I’d brought with me, and couldn’t decide what to wear. Maisy gave me some advice, and I finally just decided on an outfit. I didn’t know if I should let my hair stay naturally curly or straighten it. I looked at the options for conference classes to go to, and couldn’t process it. I had taken in so much advice, and had many thoughts about my career progressing. It was exciting…but very overwhelming. We went out to a breakfast buffet with another writing friend, and they took out the conference list of workshops. I couldn’t handle the discussion. I didn’t know what was happening, but I didn’t feel good. I couldn’t breathe, or hear anyone talking. I simply looked at Maisy, got to my feet, grabbed my phone, and told her I had go.
She’s my best friend. She understood.
I left the restaurant, called Jason, and thankfully he answered. I walked outside, where it was cool and lightly raining, and cried and cried on the phone to Jason. I am prone to anxiety attacks but haven’t had them in a while, and I hadn’t realized I was having one until I breathed in the cool air outside. Jason talked to me. I told him how overwhelming it all was, and even then hadn’t fully processed just how out of the norm I was. After I was calm again, he told me to call him again later, and I went back inside.
I was pretty embarrassed, but my friends were there, and they were understanding. I told them I’d had an anxiety attack. Maisy asked if we could identify what had triggered them and I really couldn’t yet, until I went upstairs and processed through everything. I talked to Jason again, made a plan, and the rest of the conference really was great.
But I could not wait to get home.
Essentially, what happened is that I wasn’t prepared for handling my day without the structure I’ve come to rely on. Am I capable of handling myself? Well, yes. But it was a serious reality check. Having a dynamic upon which a power exchange is built makes independence tricky. Is that enough of a reason not to have one then? Not for us. It simply means that I know now that I am dependent on him, and when we are apart, we will have to establish routine and structure. Eventually, when we can, he will likely travel with me. And some day if anything happened to him, I would have a hard go of it. I just would. But I would learn how to deal. I would have to.
We’ve given this much thought. We’ve talked about it at length. Fear of separation simply isn’t enough of a reason to stop the exchange of power we’ve come to embrace. The pay-off is far too beautiful to give that up because of fear. Yes, I had an anxiety attack. But I survived it. Things happen. We learn, and we do better. We have no control over whether or not either of us will be here tomorrow. So today, we embrace this dynamic.
When I came home, it was so nice to be back with my family. My kids hugged me, and I loved on them. I had missed them so very much. But when Jason came in the room, I held tight, and I couldn’t help it. I buried my head in his chest and cried. I needed my daddy. He held me for a very long time, until my tears subsided, and we gradually got back to where we were before I left.
The next time this happens, we will have better systems in place. New routines? A way to keep the structure despite travel? And I will be aware of my own cues so that I can avoid a place of complete overwhelm again.
But for now? I am so very happy to be back home with my daddy.