Last weekend, Jason and I had an argument.
It wasn’t even a bad argument. Most of the time, we can sort out our differences before we get to the point of arguing. I used to have an awful temper, and I still do lose it sometimes, but it will be five years this fall that we started all this. And five years focusing on learning more self control and depending on his leadership has changed things.
Assume the positive, he says. Always assume the positive. So I try. When someone upsets me, I try to think about things from their point of view. I try to assume positive motives, and focus on what I can control, rather than trying to control the actions of someone else. And I try to do this for Jason as well. I don’t always do this well, though. Sometimes, I fail at this.
When I’m upset with him, I try to assume positive motives, and I try to see things from his point of view. I ask myself what I can do on my own. I pray.
So, when we got into a disagreement, that's what I did. I don’t remember the exact details of what happened, but I know that I got in trouble and I did, by our standards, deserve to be punished. But, we don’t always get the privacy we need, and we didn’t have it. He told me to go up to bed and rest a bit.
I knew in my mind that Jason was feeling pretty upset about what had happened, as it didn’t just involve me, but someone else as well. So I gave him that space. He simply was not in the place of being ready to meet my needs.
He’s a strict dominant, and he’s very attentive, but he can’t always meet my needs with perfection.
It’s not always about me.
We have kids. We have extended family. We both have jobs, and responsibilities. So that night, I was pretty stressed out and I really needed him, but he wasn’t in the place where he could really get into a dominant head space. So, he didn’t.
That didn’t go over so well with me. I gave him space, but I was hurt. He said a few things that dragged up some of my most painful fears. He didn’t mean to. But it happened. And mentally…I just quit.
When we talked the next day, I simply decided I could not do it today, and I told him, “Sometimes, like last night, you can’t dom. Well today, I can’t submit. I don’t want to. So I’m not going to.”
Sounds bratty, doesn’t it? But I wasn’t trying to manipulate or control him. I was hurt, deeply, and the very thought of submitting – of making myself become vulnerable again – just became all too much.
And I really, really felt I couldn't do it.
“That’s not going to go over so well for you,” he said. “You know you need this, and you know you’re going to get in trouble.”
I shook my head and turned away from him. The very idea of going about my day without submitting hurt like hell, because I’m happiest when this works well, I’m submitted to him and he holds me accountable. When I meet his needs, and he meets mine.
Finally, he got up and left the room, saying on his way out, “Fine, then. Don’t submit. Let’s see how this goes.”
Gosh, I was hurting inside. I’d hurt myself physically the week before, and being sidelined had me grumpy and out of sorts, and the reality is, it takes a lot of self control and energy to submit, just like it takes to dom. Stress, illness, and outside circumstance often affect our ability to do this well. And sometimes? We don’t do it.
I’ve had readers tell us we were the perfect example of a D/s couple. No, we aren’t. We’re just normal people. We make mistakes. We hurt each other. D/s isn’t lived perfectly here.
It is our True North, though. It is what brings us back to center when things go astray.
So after I talked to Jason, I calmed myself down and made a to-do list of what had to be done. I knew, deep down in my heart, that eventually things would be right again. I knew that would likely involve me going over his lap and likely getting a good, hard spanking to get me back into my submissive head space. I knew this wasn’t the end for us. We thrive under these roles. And a little blip along the way doesn’t mean it’s over. So I didn’t despair of things ever being right again.
I just needed to step off the train.
A little while later, Jason came in the room, came over to me and said, “We need to talk.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk. But I do want to trust him. And I wanted to make things right again. And even though I didn’t want to submit, I didn’t want to be mean to him, either.
“Okay,” I said. (Notice, no “daddy.”)
He looked down at me, and he wasn’t angry, but just very gentle.
“I was selfish,” he said. “You were selfish. We both were. Let’s just admit that and put this behind us.” I got a little choked up then, because I knew he was right.
And just like that, we picked up where we left off. He had me come to the side of the bed and go over my rules. I went over his lap. He spanked me and I cried, good and hard. He held me. We both apologized. He kissed me, and our day went on.
Gosh, the day was hard though. My life is so heavily submersed in this lifestyle. Between blogging and writing and friends I interact with, I live and breathe this lifestyle. And I needed to step back a bit, refocus, and keep my eyes on Jason.
I needed to clear my mind and focus nowhere but here, on our relationship, our dynamic.
I needed to remind myself that this isn’t all about me.
And when we mess things up, we simply need to remind each other that it’s okay to say I was wrong.
It’s okay to say I’m sorry.