Sunday, June 18, 2017

Trouble in Paradise

Last weekend, Jason and I had an argument. 

It wasn’t even a bad argument. Most of the time, we can sort out our differences before we get to the point of arguing. I used to have an awful temper, and I still do lose it sometimes, but it will be five years this fall that we started all this. And five years focusing on learning more self control and depending on his leadership has changed things. 

Assume the positive, he says. Always assume the positive. So I try. When someone upsets me, I try to think about things from their point of view. I try to assume positive motives, and focus on what I can control, rather than trying to control the actions of someone else. And I try to do this for Jason as well. I don’t always do this well, though. Sometimes, I fail at this. 

When I’m upset with him, I try to assume positive motives, and I try to see things from his point of view. I ask myself what I can do on my own. I pray. 

So, when we got into a disagreement, that's what I did. I don’t remember the exact details of what happened, but I know that I got in trouble and I did, by our standards, deserve to be punished. But, we don’t always get the privacy we need, and we didn’t have it. He told me to go up to bed and rest a bit. 

I knew in my mind that Jason was feeling pretty upset about what had happened, as it didn’t just involve me, but someone else as well. So I gave him that space. He simply was not in the place of being ready to meet my needs. 

He’s a strict dominant, and he’s very attentive, but he can’t always meet my needs with perfection. 

It’s not always about me. 

We have kids. We have extended family. We both have jobs, and responsibilities. So that night, I was pretty stressed out and I really needed him, but he wasn’t in the place where he could really get into a dominant head space. So, he didn’t. 

That didn’t go over so well with me. I gave him space, but I was hurt. He said a few things that dragged up some of my most painful fears. He didn’t mean to. But it happened. And mentally…I just quit. 

When we talked the next day, I simply decided I could not do it today, and I told him, “Sometimes, like last night, you can’t dom. Well today, I can’t submit. I don’t want to. So I’m not going to.” 

Sounds bratty, doesn’t it? But I wasn’t trying to manipulate or control him. I was hurt, deeply, and the very thought of submitting – of making myself become vulnerable again – just became all too much.

And I really, really felt I couldn't do it.

“That’s not going to go over so well for you,” he said. “You know you need this, and you know you’re going to get in trouble.” 

I shook my head and turned away from him. The very idea of going about my day without submitting hurt like hell, because I’m happiest when this works well, I’m submitted to him and he holds me accountable. When I meet his needs, and he meets mine. 
 
Finally, he got up and left the room, saying on his way out, “Fine, then. Don’t submit. Let’s see how this goes.” 

Gosh, I was hurting inside. I’d hurt myself physically the week before, and being sidelined had me grumpy and out of sorts, and the reality is, it takes a lot of self control and energy to submit, just like it takes to dom. Stress, illness, and outside circumstance often affect our ability to do this well. And sometimes? We don’t do it.

I’ve had readers tell us we were the perfect example of a D/s couple. No, we aren’t. We’re just normal people. We make mistakes. We hurt each other. D/s isn’t lived perfectly here. 

It is our True North, though. It is what brings us back to center when things go astray.

So after I talked to Jason, I calmed myself down and made a to-do list of what had to be done. I knew, deep down in my heart, that eventually things would be right again. I knew that would likely involve me going over his lap and likely getting a good, hard spanking to get me back into my submissive head space. I knew this wasn’t the end for us. We thrive under these roles. And a little blip along the way doesn’t mean it’s over. So I didn’t despair of things ever being right again. 

I just needed to step off the train. 

A little while later, Jason came in the room, came over to me and said, “We need to talk.” 

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk. But I do want to trust him. And I wanted to make things right again. And even though I didn’t want to submit, I didn’t want to be mean to him, either. 

“Okay,” I said. (Notice, no “daddy.”)

He looked down at me, and he wasn’t angry, but just very gentle. 

“I was selfish,” he said. “You were selfish. We both were. Let’s just admit that and put this behind us.” I got a little choked up then, because I knew he was right. 

And just like that, we picked up where we left off. He had me come to the side of the bed and go over my rules. I went over his lap. He spanked me and I cried, good and hard. He held me. We both apologized. He kissed me, and our day went on. 

Gosh, the day was hard though. My life is so heavily submersed in this lifestyle. Between blogging and writing and friends I interact with, I live and breathe this lifestyle. And I needed to step back a bit, refocus, and keep my eyes on Jason. 

I needed to clear my mind and focus nowhere but here, on our relationship, our dynamic. 

I needed to remind myself that this isn’t all about me

And when we mess things up, we simply need to remind each other that it’s okay to say I was wrong. 

It’s okay to say I’m sorry. 

Because in the end, we’re just two people who make mistakes and pick ourselves back up again, two people who love each other so much that we will keep on putting the focus back on each other even when we don’t want to, willing to reap the joy even through pain.

10 comments:

  1. Happy sigh. I have the utmost respect for a man (and a dom) who can be gentle and apologise and still wield authority. U are blessed!

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    1. I respect that, too. Jason says a good dom is meek, and it's so true!

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  2. Hi JGirl.

    I don't think I have ever had an instance when I flat-out refused to submit, but there have been times when it would have been very counterproductive for us to go with a DD solution when neither of us were in that head-space. The related issue we have confronted is when she has been made at me and, instead of taking me to task, she has reverted to the pre-DD dynamic of flouncing or sulking, instead of just blistering my ass like I deserved. All it usually take is a day or two of "stepping off the DD track" and some honest communication to get us back to where we need to be.

    Dan

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    1. This was a weird situation. It wasn't even that I refused but just felt like I couldn't. Like I couldn't go there one more time! Fortunately these little derailments are shorter than they used to be, and we can get back on track quicker!

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  3. I really love that you post the good, the not so good, and everything in between. I very much identify with being in the middle of a disconnect, emotional turmoil, and knowing it will all be ok in the end, but still struggling in the midst of it. I love how Jason handled the situation, because it is so very important for a dominant to be able to admit fault when necessary, and lead the way back to intimacy. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you. I don't like sharing the bad! It isn't as fun to write, but I think it's important to not give the impression that things are perfect. This is a hard lifestyle, and it's sometimes very challenging.

      I agree that it is important for us both to admit fault. If we are going to serve each other, it only stands to reason that we will take whatever steps necessary to get there.

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  4. That was really painful post. But it was really important post either. Like reminder about that you and Jason are real people who can make mistakes.
    Thank you for your honesty.

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  5. Curious Cat

    I must admit, while I am sorry to hear that you both had a difficult time last weekend, reading this offered me some encouragement. We are about a year into our dynamic. We've been married over ten years and while I can see signs looking back that I was always her Dom... it's only in the last year or so that we have expressed that we are in a D/s relationship. Like for most, it has been an incredible journey and a major improvement... but it does come with it pitfalls. And as I believe you've pointed out in the past, the highs are higher but the lows are brutally low. Because I am the Dom and I'm also the one who initiated our dynamic I feel it's incumbent on me to always dig deep and find a way to lead... find the strength to Dom. But boy, can it be difficult at times. I know the same is true for my wife, I can see it in her eyes or read it in her behavior that she's just finding it hard to be in her role sometimes. We still have our training wheels on, so when those situations arrive, sometimes we do talk it out but sometimes I will just let it slide and then find a way to lead her back into submission either later or the following day. I know for my wife talking about it can sometimes make it worse or more difficult. I know her incredibly well so I have to find the right moment to double back and discuss. Sounds like you and Jason talk about everything... always. I like that and look forward to us some day being in that place. It also seems that you are much further along in your submission than my wife. She knows this is great for us and it's an obvious improvement but I do know that deep down she still holds on the notion that perhaps this isn't right or fair... a part of her still clings slightly to what society dictates about proper feminism. In practice she knows how great this is and she enjoys it immensely. But it sounds like for you submission is a deep seeded need. I'm not sure that's the case with my wife. After all you were the one who brought this... just as I did. I think being Dom is a need of mine that I finally found a way to accept and share. I believe my wife lags a little behind but that's okay. We are having an incredible journey together and it's a massive improvement... not that we weren't great before... but this is just... wow, better than I could ever imagine.

    Anyway... keep writing please. Love reading and learning from your blog.

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    1. Hi, Curious Cat. I love hearing from readers. It's nice to know we aren't alone!

      "Sounds like you and Jason talk about everything... always. I like that and look forward to us some day being in that place."

      It took a great deal of time and effort but yes, we do talk about everything and have found ways to communicate effectively. It is so important, because this is not an easy lifestyle to live. Often, like you pointed out with your wife, we have societal hang-ups about whether or not this is right. Since the majority of women bring this lifestyle to their men, usually submissives say that it's their dominant partners who struggle with letting that "social norm" expectation piece of the puzzle go, but even those of us who are wired submissively and embrace that have trouble sometimes reconciling our need to submit.

      If you can find ways to pay attention to her, to really meet the needs that she has, you will likely find her submission grows. Some areas are easy for a dominant to take over. Some are not. There are ways you can lead her that will make her feel protected and cared for that might go a long way in helping her embrace her own submission.

      Take it one day at a time, and work through the trail and error that inevitably comes. Most of the time one partner is ahead of the other in all this, but it's working through those challenges that forges the bonds of your dynamic. Hang in there. And thank you for writing!

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