Sunday, September 24, 2017

So. Much. Better.

Last week, I shared about how things are really challengingright now. Those of you who wrote to me and encouraged me to stick it through, I just want to say thank you.

I think I needed to get it out. After I blogged, I cried, and I said to Jason, “will you read this?”

Jason had been so heavily in the “recharge” zone that he’d withdrawn from me, and I was so emotionally overwhelmed myself, I couldn’t do what I normally do in these times – hit the gym, get some extra rest, go out with friends, focus on being grateful, and give him space to come around. It was completely overwhelming me.

Jason read the post and sat on the bed, pretty thoughtful. The first thing he said was, “You did the right thing blogging this.” I had been talking to him about what was going on, and he was aware that things were different, but both of us had pulled back into our own selves, I think.

I think sometimes I take him for granted, that he will meet my needs and be my dominant no matter what, and sometimes he takes me for granted, that I will easily submit and respect his authority over me no matter what. But taking each other for granted doesn’t work.

I’d done my part, honestly. I’d told him how I felt, worked hard at obeying the rules despite the lack of connection with him, and asked him to help. He was quiet about it. I asked him what he thought, and he said that I was right. That things had shifted, that we both knew why, and it was time to do something about it.
So we talked… and then, because we're parents, we went about our day. I cooked him his favorite dinner (he loved it), and we took the kids to the park. We held hands, and talked a bit more, then later  we came home and made sure everyone did what they were supposed to before bed. We prepared for the following day and tucked our littlest ones into bed, and when the house was quiet, we talked, alone, again. And talked...

And you might laugh at this – but after much digging and more talking I said something that was really quite obvious. “I think…what I really need is a really good spanking.”

He laughed and said, “Oh, there isn’t a doubt in my mind.” Eep! That's when my heart starts kicking up a bit, because he might look all sweet and loving but that man swings a mean paddle. 

Groan. Spankings hurt, and I might find them sexy, but I don’t find them very easy to take. He took charge, though, something else I needed, and while I gritted my teeth and screwed myself up to get the courage I needed, he locked our door, took off his belt, and came over to me. I'm sure I had a bit of the deer-in-the-headlights look going but it didn't matter... within seconds, he pinned me over his knee.

Yes, it’s sexy remembering. At the time, I really just wanted to run and hide. But I knew I had to face it, that nothing gets me into a good headspace more effectively than a serious spanking, and since I hadn’t done anything to get me in trouble…well, it had to be done. We both knew it.

I didn’t take it easily. Fortunately, he doesn’t much care. It doesn’t matter to him if I squirm and protest and yelp. He just held me tighter, grabbed my hand that flailed back in fruitless self-protection, pinned it down, and gave me one helluva spanking. I cried again, and he held me, and when we were done, I went to bed feeling way better. He gave me some strict rules the next morning, told me he’d be checking in on me, and he has. All week.

We weren’t as busy this week. We’re already falling into a good “new” routine…you know, for now. Until the next bump happens. But hopefully, we’ll be a bit wiser next time.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Checking in... an "in between" stage, maybe? Why I've been quiet.

Checking in here, readers. First off, a big THANK YOU! This blog did indeed hit one million hits recently, and I'm kinda shocked and humbled. Thanks for sticking with me through this crazy ride, while I take some breaks, find my way, our dynamic develops, while I figured out where I wanted to go in my career, and how that would affect my blogging... thank you for sticking around. 

I've always been honest with you readers, so I'm going to be honest with you again. Usually when I log on here I say things like, "Jason and I are great." Well, today, I'm going to be blunt. We really... aren't great right now, as far as our dynamic. We aren't fighting. Neither of us are angry with each other. In short, we're in a transition period and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. 

If you asked Jason, I'm not sure he'd agree. It's not that I've kept my feelings hidden from him. I've been very honest with him, actually. Last week, I launched a book, and he was really proud of me. So he took me out on a date. And while we were alone, I was frank with him. "What's going on with us right now?" I asked. 

"What do you mean?" he said. "I'm still checking you in. I'm still holding you accountable. Nothing has changed. What do you mean, what's going on?" 

I had a hard time putting it into words, but after we chatted it out, I understood it a little better. I was seriously in my dominant head space... I still am. A few weeks ago, we started school up. Without going into great detail about my family life, I'll sum it up to say we've had some really major structural changes, and they're great. The kids are happy, and thriving. Everything we've hoped for is flourishing, as our teens grow and find their own interests and pursuits, take on higher learning and academics, and we help them discover who they are. Our younger ones are also pursuing their own interests. But we've had some big changes. For years and years, I was the mom of littles. I was the stay-at-home mom. That was my main focus. We did things as a family. I baked a lot, and took the kids on outings, and clipped coupons. But now, things are changing... I'm still at home, but I work now. My kids are at different ages and stages, so we have committments outside the home that take up our time. We aren't scattered, exactly. We've worked hard to still have our evening meals together, and to spend a good deal of time together as a family, and that's still working well. But, I'm out of the house a lot more than I used to be, driving to school, doing extra curriculars, things like that, and things aren't what they used to be, as the kids grow. 

Check-in's with Jason are brief. If I break a rule, I almost always have what Jason considers an acceptable excuse, and I am very, very rarely punished. We have a hard time being intimate often. And Jason's work... sigh. He's so, so busy at work that when he comes home, he has very little left to give, and what he has to give mostly goes to the kids. Frankly, I don't resent that. I love that he's a dedicated dad to our children. 

But frankly? I really, really miss my daddy time. I'm craving it. I'm sort of burying a well of sadness most days because of it. 

In short... I'm feeling sort of neglected, but much of it isn't really even Jason's fault. I'm a busy person. I teach my younger children that don't go to school (home school), I have a writing career, and I'm also mom. I have laundry and meals and a house to take care of.

Jason's expectations for me haven't changed. But, our dynamic has. 

I long for the days when he would do submission exercises with me. I want to kneel and call him daddy, and, I do... sometimes. Briefly. I want to feel the sting of his belt and know that he'll take me to that place of absolute bliss and release that I crave. It doesn't happen anymore, other than a few small smacks I get before he leaves for work, and even those sometimes don't happen. I haven't gotten in real trouble, with real consequences for months. I've been good. I obey him. But it is getting harder and harder by the day. In short, his dominance barely even scratches the surface of what I need and crave, and I'm not sure what's fair of me to ask of him.

I don't much enjoy check-in's anymore, because they seem rote and maybe even forced. Jason loves me, I know he does. He's still so very good to me. But, to be honest, there are many, many reasons why we submissives want to be submissive, and for me, one of the biggest reasons is because I crave Jason's attention. I crave knowing he's my dominant, and I'm his very special little girl. But these days, I am not getting the attention I need... maybe that's my fault. Maybe it's his, too. I've been trying to discuss this with Jason for weeks, and he's listening, and we're trying, but things still just aren't...right. 

Please don't be sad for me. Simply put, our dynamic is shifting and we simply haven't quite caught up with how things are supposed to work for us. This has happened several times over the past five years. Jason seems quite happy... I think I'm the one who isn't. 

I would feel guilty blogging about this if I hadn't discussed it with him. But, I have, and we're both committed to keeping real on the blog. We're aware of the fact that our dynamic has shifted. We're aware that things need to change. We just really aren't sure what we're going to do about it yet, if anything. So, that's where things are right now. I have much I'd like to blog about, but it's hard to get into a good mental place to blog when I'm not happy in my dynamic. That sounds selfish, I think. I'm just trying to be honest. When our dynamic flows beautifully, the words flow from my fingers nearly unbidden. But when things are rocky, for whatever reason, they don't. I naturally wish to retreat. 

I hope that Jason and I can work on this. He said we would. He wants to. I do, too. And I hope that soon, I'll have a happy post for all of you. But if I don't, I'm going to do my best to focus on the many blessings in my life, and discipline myself to blog about our dynamic anyway. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I hope this post finds all of you dedicated readers happy, and at peace. 

I know you all are so good, that I will very likely get some messages for those of you I call friends. Please understand in advance that I appreciate you, but that if I'm quiet, I just need a little distance right now and I will respond when I can. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The Top Twenty

Hey there, readers. I've been knee-deep in school preparation and writing. Things are going great here in "the house of Jason," as one friend puts it. I've been a good girl and he's keeping me at an even keel. He was sick last week but much better now, and focused on helping me stay sane with all I've got going on. (Thank you, Jason!) 

I'm excited about hitting the one million hits mark on this blog! As of this post, we're just around 998,000. 

Thanks to Baker for the idea to put together the top twenty posts on this blog!

I hope you enjoy this little trip down memory lane. Here they are, in ascending order, the number one post of all time topping out at nearly 100,000 page reads... scroll to find out which one that is. 😉

NOTE: The links weren't working. My fault. All fixed!

Honorable Mention, not in the top twenty but the one people write to me about most often: 

 The Three Stages of a Dominant/Submissive Dynamic

And now for the top twenty countdown!

20. Collaring 

19. Yes, Daddy 

18. (my personal favorite) His Belt

12. Weirdos

8. Craving Discipline: part one

And the number one post of all time, with well over 90,000 page views? 

1. How to give your goodgirl her Good Girl Spanking