Checking in here, readers. First off, a big THANK YOU! This blog did indeed hit one million hits recently, and I'm kinda shocked and humbled. Thanks for sticking with me through this crazy ride, while I take some breaks, find my way, our dynamic develops, while I figured out where I wanted to go in my career, and how that would affect my blogging... thank you for sticking around.
I've always been honest with you readers, so I'm going to be honest with you again. Usually when I log on here I say things like, "Jason and I are great." Well, today, I'm going to be blunt. We really... aren't great right now, as far as our dynamic. We aren't fighting. Neither of us are angry with each other. In short, we're in a transition period and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet.
If you asked Jason, I'm not sure he'd agree. It's not that I've kept my feelings hidden from him. I've been very honest with him, actually. Last week, I launched a book, and he was really proud of me. So he took me out on a date. And while we were alone, I was frank with him. "What's going on with us right now?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he said. "I'm still checking you in. I'm still holding you accountable. Nothing has changed. What do you mean, what's going on?"
I had a hard time putting it into words, but after we chatted it out, I understood it a little better. I was seriously in my dominant head space... I still am. A few weeks ago, we started school up. Without going into great detail about my family life, I'll sum it up to say we've had some really major structural changes, and they're great. The kids are happy, and thriving. Everything we've hoped for is flourishing, as our teens grow and find their own interests and pursuits, take on higher learning and academics, and we help them discover who they are. Our younger ones are also pursuing their own interests. But we've had some big changes. For years and years, I was the mom of littles. I was the stay-at-home mom. That was my main focus. We did things as a family. I baked a lot, and took the kids on outings, and clipped coupons. But now, things are changing... I'm still at home, but I work now. My kids are at different ages and stages, so we have committments outside the home that take up our time. We aren't scattered, exactly. We've worked hard to still have our evening meals together, and to spend a good deal of time together as a family, and that's still working well. But, I'm out of the house a lot more than I used to be, driving to school, doing extra curriculars, things like that, and things aren't what they used to be, as the kids grow.
Check-in's with Jason are brief. If I break a rule, I almost always have what Jason considers an acceptable excuse, and I am very, very rarely punished. We have a hard time being intimate often. And Jason's work... sigh. He's so, so busy at work that when he comes home, he has very little left to give, and what he has to give mostly goes to the kids. Frankly, I don't resent that. I love that he's a dedicated dad to our children.
But frankly? I really, really miss my daddy time. I'm craving it. I'm sort of burying a well of sadness most days because of it.
In short... I'm feeling sort of neglected, but much of it isn't really even Jason's fault. I'm a busy person. I teach my younger children that don't go to school (home school), I have a writing career, and I'm also mom. I have laundry and meals and a house to take care of.
Jason's expectations for me haven't changed. But, our dynamic has.
I long for the days when he would do submission exercises with me. I want to kneel and call him daddy, and, I do... sometimes. Briefly. I want to feel the sting of his belt and know that he'll take me to that place of absolute bliss and release that I crave. It doesn't happen anymore, other than a few small smacks I get before he leaves for work, and even those sometimes don't happen. I haven't gotten in real trouble, with real consequences for months. I've been good. I obey him. But it is getting harder and harder by the day. In short, his dominance barely even scratches the surface of what I need and crave, and I'm not sure what's fair of me to ask of him.
I don't much enjoy check-in's anymore, because they seem rote and maybe even forced. Jason loves me, I know he does. He's still so very good to me. But, to be honest, there are many, many reasons why we submissives want to be submissive, and for me, one of the biggest reasons is because I crave Jason's attention. I crave knowing he's my dominant, and I'm his very special little girl. But these days, I am not getting the attention I need... maybe that's my fault. Maybe it's his, too. I've been trying to discuss this with Jason for weeks, and he's listening, and we're trying, but things still just aren't...right.
Please don't be sad for me. Simply put, our dynamic is shifting and we simply haven't quite caught up with how things are supposed to work for us. This has happened several times over the past five years. Jason seems quite happy... I think I'm the one who isn't.
I would feel guilty blogging about this if I hadn't discussed it with him. But, I have, and we're both committed to keeping real on the blog. We're aware of the fact that our dynamic has shifted. We're aware that things need to change. We just really aren't sure what we're going to do about it yet, if anything. So, that's where things are right now. I have much I'd like to blog about, but it's hard to get into a good mental place to blog when I'm not happy in my dynamic. That sounds selfish, I think. I'm just trying to be honest. When our dynamic flows beautifully, the words flow from my fingers nearly unbidden. But when things are rocky, for whatever reason, they don't. I naturally wish to retreat.
I hope that Jason and I can work on this. He said we would. He wants to. I do, too. And I hope that soon, I'll have a happy post for all of you. But if I don't, I'm going to do my best to focus on the many blessings in my life, and discipline myself to blog about our dynamic anyway. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I hope this post finds all of you dedicated readers happy, and at peace.
I know you all are so good, that I will very likely get some messages for those of you I call friends. Please understand in advance that I appreciate you, but that if I'm quiet, I just need a little distance right now and I will respond when I can.