Sunday, September 17, 2017

Checking in... an "in between" stage, maybe? Why I've been quiet.

Checking in here, readers. First off, a big THANK YOU! This blog did indeed hit one million hits recently, and I'm kinda shocked and humbled. Thanks for sticking with me through this crazy ride, while I take some breaks, find my way, our dynamic develops, while I figured out where I wanted to go in my career, and how that would affect my blogging... thank you for sticking around. 

I've always been honest with you readers, so I'm going to be honest with you again. Usually when I log on here I say things like, "Jason and I are great." Well, today, I'm going to be blunt. We really... aren't great right now, as far as our dynamic. We aren't fighting. Neither of us are angry with each other. In short, we're in a transition period and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. 

If you asked Jason, I'm not sure he'd agree. It's not that I've kept my feelings hidden from him. I've been very honest with him, actually. Last week, I launched a book, and he was really proud of me. So he took me out on a date. And while we were alone, I was frank with him. "What's going on with us right now?" I asked. 

"What do you mean?" he said. "I'm still checking you in. I'm still holding you accountable. Nothing has changed. What do you mean, what's going on?" 

I had a hard time putting it into words, but after we chatted it out, I understood it a little better. I was seriously in my dominant head space... I still am. A few weeks ago, we started school up. Without going into great detail about my family life, I'll sum it up to say we've had some really major structural changes, and they're great. The kids are happy, and thriving. Everything we've hoped for is flourishing, as our teens grow and find their own interests and pursuits, take on higher learning and academics, and we help them discover who they are. Our younger ones are also pursuing their own interests. But we've had some big changes. For years and years, I was the mom of littles. I was the stay-at-home mom. That was my main focus. We did things as a family. I baked a lot, and took the kids on outings, and clipped coupons. But now, things are changing... I'm still at home, but I work now. My kids are at different ages and stages, so we have committments outside the home that take up our time. We aren't scattered, exactly. We've worked hard to still have our evening meals together, and to spend a good deal of time together as a family, and that's still working well. But, I'm out of the house a lot more than I used to be, driving to school, doing extra curriculars, things like that, and things aren't what they used to be, as the kids grow. 

Check-in's with Jason are brief. If I break a rule, I almost always have what Jason considers an acceptable excuse, and I am very, very rarely punished. We have a hard time being intimate often. And Jason's work... sigh. He's so, so busy at work that when he comes home, he has very little left to give, and what he has to give mostly goes to the kids. Frankly, I don't resent that. I love that he's a dedicated dad to our children. 

But frankly? I really, really miss my daddy time. I'm craving it. I'm sort of burying a well of sadness most days because of it. 

In short... I'm feeling sort of neglected, but much of it isn't really even Jason's fault. I'm a busy person. I teach my younger children that don't go to school (home school), I have a writing career, and I'm also mom. I have laundry and meals and a house to take care of.

Jason's expectations for me haven't changed. But, our dynamic has. 

I long for the days when he would do submission exercises with me. I want to kneel and call him daddy, and, I do... sometimes. Briefly. I want to feel the sting of his belt and know that he'll take me to that place of absolute bliss and release that I crave. It doesn't happen anymore, other than a few small smacks I get before he leaves for work, and even those sometimes don't happen. I haven't gotten in real trouble, with real consequences for months. I've been good. I obey him. But it is getting harder and harder by the day. In short, his dominance barely even scratches the surface of what I need and crave, and I'm not sure what's fair of me to ask of him.

I don't much enjoy check-in's anymore, because they seem rote and maybe even forced. Jason loves me, I know he does. He's still so very good to me. But, to be honest, there are many, many reasons why we submissives want to be submissive, and for me, one of the biggest reasons is because I crave Jason's attention. I crave knowing he's my dominant, and I'm his very special little girl. But these days, I am not getting the attention I need... maybe that's my fault. Maybe it's his, too. I've been trying to discuss this with Jason for weeks, and he's listening, and we're trying, but things still just aren't...right. 

Please don't be sad for me. Simply put, our dynamic is shifting and we simply haven't quite caught up with how things are supposed to work for us. This has happened several times over the past five years. Jason seems quite happy... I think I'm the one who isn't. 

I would feel guilty blogging about this if I hadn't discussed it with him. But, I have, and we're both committed to keeping real on the blog. We're aware of the fact that our dynamic has shifted. We're aware that things need to change. We just really aren't sure what we're going to do about it yet, if anything. So, that's where things are right now. I have much I'd like to blog about, but it's hard to get into a good mental place to blog when I'm not happy in my dynamic. That sounds selfish, I think. I'm just trying to be honest. When our dynamic flows beautifully, the words flow from my fingers nearly unbidden. But when things are rocky, for whatever reason, they don't. I naturally wish to retreat. 

I hope that Jason and I can work on this. He said we would. He wants to. I do, too. And I hope that soon, I'll have a happy post for all of you. But if I don't, I'm going to do my best to focus on the many blessings in my life, and discipline myself to blog about our dynamic anyway. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I hope this post finds all of you dedicated readers happy, and at peace. 

I know you all are so good, that I will very likely get some messages for those of you I call friends. Please understand in advance that I appreciate you, but that if I'm quiet, I just need a little distance right now and I will respond when I can. 

20 comments:

  1. "I would feel guilty blogging this if I hadn't discussed this with him."
    That is rather profound for me. I used to blog to help me sort things out. I eventually closed my blog. I got weirded out by the many views and so few comments. Thinking back though I think that weirded out feeling came more from the fact that I was sharing things with strangers that I had not yet shared with my husband.
    Keep chatting, keep working on it. May you find that happy, comfy place soon. May your journey through this transition be simple. May your heiney be sore, just a bit. ;)
    On a side note, thank you for continuing to share. I am not around often but I do pop in once in a while and appreciate those who are still around. Your blogging is a beautiful testament to your marriage.
    Alice K.

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    1. Hi, Alice. Thanks for stopping by. Boy can I relate to the "so many views and so few comments." Makes me feel like I'm writing into a black hole sometimes, and other times I feel like I"m standing on display naked or something lol. It stings sometimes and makes it hard to keep blogging. But, I guess the nature of what we write draws people who like reading but are not comfortable engaging.

      You make a good point, though. It takes time to get used to sharing things with our husbands. It took a while before it was a rule here, but before that I would get scared. Deep down under it all is still the fear of rejection. No one has the power to hurt me like he does. I'm so sensitive to his criticism! But I've found it easier over time to open up to him (especially since I'll face punishment if I don't lol!).

      And thank you for your support. I wonder pretty much every time I blog if it's still worth sticking around, but I benefit from it myself and hope others continue to as well (even if they don't comment! lol).

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  2. Thanks for the honesty J Girl. When we submissives have the inevitable "off" times it is great to know that we are in good company. The best company :)

    I know you already have this perspective, but just want to reiterate from the outside looking in- a couple as in love and experienced and committed as you two always comes out all the stronger on the other end. Prayers and peace to the two of you as you navigate this new season together <3

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    1. Thank you, Kate!! ((hugs)) Things are MUCH better now but it was a good reminder that sometimes we need to just push through and fight for it, you know?

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  3. So sorry to hear you are in a rough patch. I call these times "growing pains". I hope you can work through this and figure out how to get the time you need. Hugs!

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    1. Growing pains is a very apt term! Thank you, Molly.

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  4. I do understand how changing life can change the dynamic. I'm sure you two will work through to a new dynaic. Sending lots of positive energy that you two can find your footing soon.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks so much, Cat. I appreciate it. ((Hugs))

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  5. Hi JGirl. We are in a similarly unsettled place right now. For a lot of the same reasons you identify. Life seems to stay depressingly busy no matter how much our household mix of people and ages and needs change. I keep thinking we are on the cusp of life becoming easier and more manageable, but that seems to always escape us. I've also been deep in that dominant headspace you refer to, largely because the job has required me to be there. And, problematically, I keep finding I like it. We also went through a period in which I had many people giving me input, advice, orders, etc., and it not only did not send me into a more submissive place -- just the opposite. I didn't want to comply with a single order from anyone.

    But, I'm sure this is a fine time to ponder the wisdom of, "This too shall pass."

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    1. Hi, Dan, while I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar place, I am happy that you can relate! We try so hard to keep things simple, but sometimes, with this many ages and stages, it's just not possible. The needs of our family always come first, and sometimes those needs trump all else.

      You know, I find I like it, too. I think you and I can relate on the level that neither of us are natural submissives. It's taken me a lot of digging and thinking and time to realize this... I don't like to be told what to do, and despite the fact that I'm happiest when I'm submitted to Jason, I do sort of need to be dommed into that place sometimes because I'm a dominant person by nature.

      I also understand being at a place where receiving many demands on your time and energy makes you resist all instruction! I get that way, too. I like control... a lot. And it's very hard to let that go.

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  6. Welcome to life. Change is inevitable and for the most part is neither inherently good or bad. I have been there and you just need to be patient as you two sort things out. Just a guess but the youngest one started full time school

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    1. Hi, Bob. Your comment stung a little when I was down, but I'm in a better place now and do appreciate your comment. I'm realizing as I get older that many things are neither good nor bad, and how I respond to them is what matters. I think I needed to get this out, that this particular stage was painful... but now that I have it is time to move on. No, the youngest didn't start full time school but it's a good guess. :)

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  7. Hi Jane, Hope you two can get back to where you would like to be. Sometimes life just gets in the way, hugs
    love Jan, xx

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  8. Hang in there! Life will always get better!

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  9. I'm thankful for your honesty. This blog is one of the special places of the Internet for me.
    And I hope both of you will find a solution.
    "I have much I'd like to blog about"
    Hey, it makes me really happy!
    Thank you and I wish you find your happy submissive days again!

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    1. Thank you! This was one of the hardest posts I wrote, because it simply hurt to dig out the truth about how I was feeling and how this is all a struggle right now. We are in a much better place now, though.

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  10. Appreciate your honesty in this patch. This is encouraging to others who hit weird patches and wonder what's "off." I hope this encourages those just starting out that there's no reaching perfection or special, perfect way to do this kind of dynamic right. Life will change, things can be hard, but you have to stay connected to each other.

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    1. Thank you, Madeline. I, too, hope others can find encouragement from our struggles. I think we come stronger on the other end of these things, to be honest. It is hard but worth it in the end.

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