Sunday, October 15, 2017

An emergency situation and how we handled it

Hello there, readers. I took last week off because I had a health issue (which I’ll tell you about in a minute), and because I was traveling. Thankfully, the crazy hustle and bustle of fall routines starting up again has settled into good routines for all. Jason and I are in a fantastic place. After we hashed out our distance from a few weeks ago, we’ve put some systems into place. We know that for us, check-in’s have to happen with regularity. We need to intentionally carve out the time we spend with each other. Last night, we had a lovely in-house date, and I’m feeling very content today. Life is good.

But about a week and a half ago, we had a pretty traumatic event happen. I mention it here on this blog because it put both me and Jason through the test with our roles.

So it was a day like any other. My older, somewhat snarky teen-aged son had come home from school and was in a mood, and he hadn’t done what I’d asked him to yet. I came upstairs from turning over the laundry, and he was gaming. Grr. Not happy, I asked him to finish his chores, and he gave me an attitude about it. He’s a good kid, and we don’t have a lot of friction, but sometimes it happens. He came barreling out, grabbed the recycling he was taking out, and was so loud I got worried he’d disturb Jason on his conference call upstairs. So I turned the corner, came up behind my son, adrenaline rushing as I told him to keep it down, and I went to smack the storm door open. My aim was off. The door was old. My hand smacked the glass and my hand and arm went straight through.

It was bad, you guys. Really pretty bad. Glass everywhere, abrasions all along my arm and hand, some really deep. I don’t do blood very well and it scared the hell out of me. 

I screamed to Jason to help me and I’m not gonna lie.I lost every shred of self control. I totally lost my mind. I was petrified. It hurt like hell. There was shattered glass and blood everywhere, all over me, and once glance at my hand terrified me. I was so afraid that I’d severed a tendon, damaged myself so badly I’d hurt my writing career… I was a wreck. Jason, from the top of the stairs, only heard yelling and smashing glass. He came down, and didn’t understand right away what had happened.

Like a lunatic, I yelled at him to grab some towels, anything, so I could stop the bleeding and see if I needed stitches. He grabbed a towel, sat me down, and bandaged me up as best he could, but he knew I had to go to the hospital for stitches.

It was not pretty. 

I was not submissive. I was terrified. Looking back on it now, I’m pretty sure I was in some sort of shock. I told him there was no fucking way I was going to the hospital. I don’t really know why I said that, honestly. I was sobbing, he was growling at me and telling me to listen to him, and I was telling him off.

I never do that. I really really lost my mind.

Weirdly, when one of my kids gets injured, I handle it just fine. Very calm. When it happened to me, I did not. Finally, after I was bandaged up and heading to the hospital, he leaned down to me and hissed in my ear, “You are going to the hospital whether you want to or not. And when you come home, you’re getting the worst spanking you’ve ever gotten. Your temper caused this, and this was totally preventable.”

So… yeah. 

He hates to see me injured. He hates to see me in pain. I’m not allowed to lose my temper.

But…I knew that I hadn’t lost my temper. I really hadn’t. It’s the truth. I’d smacked the door from behind my son. Yeah, I wasn’t all sweet and calm and adrenaline was pumping, but I wasn’t in a temper at all.

Hours later… seven stitches later… sigh… the kids were getting ready for bed. I was home, and took some pain meds, and laid down next to Jason. This entire time I hadn’t had a single sweet daddy word from him. He was totally Very Stern Dom. And I was feeling so sad. Devastated, really. I couldn’t use my hand, and I couldn’t write. I was just shy of finishing a book. I was traveling to a family wedding in two days. All I wanted to do was climb up on his chest, bawl my eyes out, have him hold me, and be his little girl. But it didn’t happen.

I talked to him about what happened, and he was still angry. He said, again, “You could’ve hurt yourself worse or someone else, and I can’t believe how you talked to me. You were so out of line, and tonight, there is no question you deserve a serious spanking.”

I don’t even remember the last time I got a serious spanking. It was months and months ago. And to be brutally honest, I did not think I deserved a spanking. 

I was devastated. But I also recognized that I’d put him in a really tricky position. He still thought I’d lost my temper and caused the injury. And I’d sworn at him. Screamed at him. Disobeyed him. Finally, with a sigh, he said, “We have these rules for a reason. I discipline you for a reason, so that at times like these you focus on me and let me take care of you, and you didn’t.”

He was right. But I was so sore. I was exhausted. I was already crying, and sorry for having lost my mind. And I really didn’t even mean to lose my mind like that. I was ashamed, really. I so did not want a spanking. He went downstairs to see my sons to bed, and I laid on my bed and just cried. I chatted with a good friend, who agreed with me that I’d not been in the right frame of mind when I lost it. “It’s shock,” she said. “You reacted in shock.” I really had. I knew in my heart it was right, and I wasn’t just trying to get out of punishment. I’d been terrified. And when he hadn’t understood how badly I’d been hurt at first, I’d gotten angry and desperate.

So, upstairs and alone, I couldn’t help crying. And finally, I made up my mind. I knew I didn’t want a spanking. I knew I didn’t think I deserved one. 

But I also knew that Jason is my leader. And the man loves me so, so much. It killed him to see me hurt. Killed him. He did not want to punish me. If after all that, he still decided I needed to be punished, I decided I would take it. I had to. 

After all… what was the worst that could happen? I’d been punished before. I’d survive. And I would not drive a wedge between us. I would trust him to take care of my needs, including punishing me if he thought I needed it. 

So, I brought myself downstairs to see Jason. I sat down on the footstool near his chair, and he reached for my hand. “How are you feeling, honey?” I broke down in tears again, because it was the first tender word he’d spoken, and I was craving the sweet daddy side of things so badly. I told him I hurt, a lot, but that more than anything I was upset about the idea of being punished. I promised him that I hadn’t been in a temper. I told him that I really thought I’d been in shock, and it was the terror that caused me to lose my self control.

It takes enormous self control to submit. I didn’t have it then. I hated that I didn’t… but looking back, I can honestly say that I didn’t.

So, I laid it all out for him. But then I told him the truth. “I love you. I’m so sorry. And I’ll do whatever you tell me to. I don't want to be punished, but if you think I should be, I'll submit.” I had truly decided I would.

Finally, he nodded, smiled at me, and pulled me into him for a hug. “You weren’t in your right frame of mind,” he said. "I know that now." I nodded, so relieved he understood. And then he said, "I’m not going to punish you.”

You guys, I sobbed. I was so emotionally exhausted. It had been a very trying day.

He brought me upstairs and helped me get ready for bed. I fell asleep almost instantly, after a very short time with Jason.

I can type again now. I’m still not fully recovered, but every day I get better and better. It’s remarkable how quickly the human body can heal. I’m being careful not to overdo. And things with Jason and I are back to normal.

Somehow, after all that? I've been in a very submissive frame of mind, even during my most hormonal times (when I'm usually kind of a lunatic). I've obeyed him, and followed his lead, and submitted.  He didn't punish me, but knowing that he would, and knowing that he didn't, knowing that he loved me and wanted what was best for me... well, there's nothing that will make me want to obey him more. I didn't need to go over his lap to get me there. 

I decided after some thought that I needed to share this story, because it’s just another one of those real-life example of how things don’t always work as planned. Sometimes, we don’t really know how to handle things. But when we focus on open communication, truly listening to each other, eventually, always… peace reigns.


  1. Hi Jane, I am so sorry to hear that you got hurt. I hope you get better soon, hugs
    love Jan, xx

  2. Really real and good piece. It truly highlights that DD is more than just a set of rules to dictate and follow. Rather, it offers tools for greater awareness, communication and in the end deeper "knowing" of one another. The length and breath that you and Jason have been honing your unique dynamic allowed for the freedom in a relatively short period, in the aftermath of a crisis, to acknowledge the facts of how things played out and then choose the greatest good, the greatest place of trust and love to be offered manifested by both of you. Beautiful. Indeed, it is the love that keeps the fire of desire to obey and submit alive.

    1. Thank you, Jo. Yes, that was my takeaway from this as well, that sowing a dynamic based on trust and communication does help us navigate the trying times when they surface. It isn't always easy knowing how to respond, but dedication to seeing these things through is what brings about the peace, I think.

  3. So sorry to hear about what happened, Jane but happy you and Jason were able to talk things out without a punishment spanking. Happy you are getting better...sending healing energy that your recovery goes very quickly.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    1. Thanks so much, Cat. I'm grateful, too! (hugs)

  4. Wow I probably would have reacted the same way. Glad to hear youre getting better.

    1. I'm glad I'm not alone. It wasn't my finest moment. Thank you.

  5. That does not sound fantastically safe, from the medical standpoint.

    Lots of people don't spank or get spanked even when drunk. It's a common sense precaution. The idea of getting spanked while on pain relief, probably opioids, sounds very scary to me.

    But let's suppose you were not on opioids. Unless you were also on muscle relaxant, you would not be able to help tensing the muscles in your arm and hand, possibly tearing the stitches.

    And if you did not tear the stitches? With the spanking of your life, your body would have to work overtime healing the damage in your butt. That would interfere with your body's ability to heal the damage in your hand and arm.

    I know you two meant well, and you decided to submit, but what if things turned bad?

    He sounds like a great and a very well-meaning guy, but this sounds like a major lapse on judgement on his part. Looks like you were not the only one who was in shock. I know you decided to submit, but what if you did not? Do you have a safeword? Do you have any ability to delay a punishment in case of an emergency? If nothing else, can you withdraw consent before a punishment, if you don't feel safe?

    1. Well, I'm not so sure it would've been dangerous for me, but I do agree it would not have been the right thing to do. I wasn't on opioids, no. I was only given Ibuprofen and it wasn't until the next day that I called for something stronger.

      "He sounds like a great and a very well-meaning guy, but this sounds like a major lapse on judgement on his part. Looks like you were not the only one who was in shock."

      Yes, I agree. It was a lapse of judgment on his part, thinking discipline would help me after this, and he did react. But, that's the point of this post. :) Things aren't always black and white in this. It isn't always crystal clear what the best choice is. We discussed this the next day and easily agreed we'd made the right decision talking it out, communicating before reacting, and that it would not have been wise for him to discipline me.

      " I know you decided to submit, but what if you did not? Do you have a safeword? Do you have any ability to delay a punishment in case of an emergency? If nothing else, can you withdraw consent before a punishment, if you don't feel safe?"

      To answer your question, he would not have disciplined me in this circumstance unless I had submitted, he'd deemed it was safe, and he decided it would be in my best interest in the long run. Yes, I have a safe word specifically for the circumstance you described. But you have to understand, we've been doing this for five years and the level of trust runs deep, so I haven't had to use a safe word in years.

      In a situation like this, if I'd refused to submit to punishment, he'd honor that. Though he's given me some impromptu spankings (when I've mouthed off or something), he would discipline me unless I submitted to it. We always discuss a punishment before it happens. He always wants to make sure to reach my heart first. He feels it's far more effective that way (and I agree).

      You're right. He's a great guy. He just isn't a perfect one. I'm not either. And that's why we need to talk these things out.

    2. J. Girl, I think you are being far too polite, especially with the smiley emoticon, to a very passive-aggressive commenter. I have to admit I get so tired of the BDSM crowd injecting all these little procedural safeguards that may fit perfectly into "scening," i.e. role-playing between virtual strangers, into consensual years-long marital relationships.

      Also, I strongly suspect the above is from a troll who calls himself Gravano and who just loves haunting DD websites and injecting all these little safety messages that are really covert attempts to undermine a lifestyle that he is fascinated by but too afraid to actually engage in.

    3. Dan, thanks for the heads up. I respect the privacy of people who post anonymously, but the sad downside is that allowing anonymous posts gives people freedom to post critically whenever they choose.

      The truth is, whenever I post one like this, in which Jason and I made (or, in this case, could have made) a choice that wasn't the smartest one, I know I'm going to get critical comments. I am frankly surprised I've only gotten two and expected far more. It's simply the risk I take when I post.

      I try hard not to react defensively, and it could be in part that much of my online presence is in the professional sphere (writing), that I try to err on the side of being too nice.

      That said, I want to thank you for your support, and for the heads' up. When criticism rolls in, it's so easy for me to want to give up blogging, mostly because I continue to get high traffic with such little feedback, that I feel very exposed these days. The occasional "great post" pales in comparison to comments that critique the dynamic I'm so passionate about, and the man I love so deeply.

  6. I totally agree, I don’t doubt that you were given something at the hospital that wasn’t a painkiller, even if you only had ibuprofen when you got home, and being as injured as you were, that would’ve been a very unsafe at best punishment. Glad you were able to talk it out and work it out, but it would be a good idea to mention to any couple out there who practice as you do, that punishment spankings should not be used when the receiving party is injured. Excuses are fine, but that doesn’t change that the scenario could’ve ended much worse—just as your man had said.

    1. Please reference my response above. No, I was not given painkillers in addition to Ibuprofen. Not sure if that's standard in other parts of the country or world, but it did not happen, as I've already clarified. You can choose to believe I'm lying or not. That's your call. I was given local anesthesia for stitches only and won't waste my time or energy repeating that a third time.

      I have already clarified that it would've been unsafe. Not sure why we need to beat a dead horse and frankly, I won't.

      Our choices are not always crystal clear. And sometimes, we make bad choices. I made a terribly bad choice. Jason came very close to making one. This lifestyle is potentially dangerous, and must be exercised with great caution, which is why I've repeatedly stated as much, have a disclaimer on my main page, and have pinned posts urging caution.

      No, I'm not going to mention to couples out there that punishment shouldn't be administered when the receiving party is injured, for the same reason that I'm not going to tell anyone not to spank during pregnancy. "Injury" is a nebulous term that can mean many things for many people. It is up to the discretion of a couple to determine when it is and is not safe to discipline and what criteria is "safe, sane, and consensual."

  7. One final note:

    Given the "trolling" that is currently happening on DD forums and blogs, and given the fact that Jason and I *did not* have a discipline session when I was injured, I will not publish any further comments that call the safety or our actions into question.

    He didn't spank me. I'm fine. This lifestyle isn't always black and white. The End. :)

    1. Well spoken, J Girl!
      Willow Rosenberg (whose stupid browser eats comments)

  8. J Girl,
    So glad you were able to remind us that we are all human, that this dynamic is not always cut and dry, and even after practicing this dynamic for years sometimes mistakes happen. I have a feeling either way that you guys would have been fine. Your relationship is a great example of how there is an ebb and flow to these things. No one is perfect and it is through situations like this that happen that we grow closer as a couple. Also I'm extremely happy you're on the mend!


    1. Baker, thank you so much. I appreciate it! You're right, no one is perfect. We don't always know what the right thing is to do, but I trust him.

  9. Just want to comment on the total ridiculousness of this “safety” discussion, in regards to both validity and motive for voicing “concern.” People love to pretend to care about the wellbeing of us submissive wives when really they are just desperate for a plausible reason to wag their finger at a lifestyle they don’t understand. (And it’s beside the point, but Anonymous frankly failed to articulate a single dangerous thing that could result from being spanked with a hand injury, even if pain killers HAD been involved.)

    Current society loves to focus on theory rather than truth, and suggestion rather than fact. The “unsafe spanking” discussion is no different. I was spanked through both pregnancies, and not only is my husband a medical professional, but I thoroughly described our practices to my gynecologist who absolutely assured us that what we were doing was safe for both me and the baby. Ironically, nobody would even acknowledge these assurances when showing “concern” for my “wellbeing.”

    JGirl, as far as I can tell your blog is the most read domestic discipline blog in existence, so you are right in saying that criticism is inevitable. You wisely don’t appear to need any validation in this, but I still feel the need to say that this lifestyle very simply amplifies all of the normal issues that exist in a marital relationship: trust, responsibility, mistakes, forgiveness, grace. I believe this amplification is even healthy, as it brings these issues to the forefront where they have to be acknowledged and worked through, and from what I understand that is exactly what happened here. I’m sure I speak for many when I say that the balanced example you offer to those involved/interested in the lifestyle is worth all of the nonsense you face along the way. Keep on keeping on friend :)


    1. Hi, Kate, I thought I replied to this. I'm sorry for the delay. Thank you SO much for the kind, encouraging comment.

      I really appreciate you weighing in on this. And your'e right -- I'm not really sure what the possible real danger would've been. He is very cautious with me and would never hurt me.

      You make an excellent point that the lifestyle does amplify all the normal issues that exist in relationships, and that is what happened here.

      I so appreciate your support. Thank you! <3


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