Sunday, October 29, 2017

The Alpha Submissive?

Hey there, readers.

Phew, this was a busy week. I enjoy taking some time to reflect on our D/s dynamic on Sunday. I put down whatever book I’m working on and don’t write or revise or do any business-releated things. We had a family function, though, and I’m wiped, so I'm keeping this post fairly short and to-the-point.

Tonight I’ve spent a little time looking at inspirational pictures and quotes, and reflecting. This week, I knew what I wanted to write about before the week even started, because I’d been chatting with some other submissives, and it’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only submissive who really doesn’t have a very submissive personality.

You see, I used to more so, back when my day to day jobs required me to serve.  I had little babies that would get up at night, and my children were still heavily dependent on me. Though my children still need me, they’re far more independent now, and though I still do serve them, things have changed. 

I now run things a great deal of the time. I’m in charge of our schedule, for the most part, and the jobs that I do as well (teaching and writing). So much of my day is focused on running things, that I don’t easily slip into a submissive head space like I used to.

It used to be that Jason would come home from work and I’d be eager to kneel and take off his shoes. My entire demeanor would shift into that of his submissive – serving him, deferring to him, following his head. Now, I need to almost be forced there. Since he’s trained me to obey him, it is not always challenging to follow his lead, but to reach a state of deep submission, I need so much more from him.

I still want it, though. And I think I need it even more than I did before. 

I love when I'm submitted to him. I love when he takes charge. I love having that delicious freedom in just letting things go. I love the powerful feeling I get when I face something that is difficult for me to submit to and I keep my temper, obey, and handle things maturely. I love how I feel after he's lovingly disciplined me and I'm in my quiet place of gratitude. 

There are those of us who are wired to be naturally submissive, and those of us who aren’t. I'm pretty opinionated and can be quite feisty. I don't submit in any other area of my life except with Jason. I don't have a passive personality. It just isn't me. And it’s not all about personality, either, as I can easily attest. Sometimes, what’s required of us on a day to day basis very much factors into how easily one can submit. Those who primarily function in acts of service find that continuing to do so for our dominant partner is far easier than when we’re in charge.

My best friend Maisy said a few weeks ago, “You’re really like the classic C.E.O. who needs to let her hair down when she comes home from work.”

I’m not sure Jason has really understood all this… how much harder it is for me to submit that it used to be. He knows when I need him to dom me harder, I’m just not sure he really understands the why behind what I need. He doesn’t much care about the why, though. I’m fortunate in that if I need him, most of the time if I explain that need to him, he understands. Me, I like to delve a bit deeper.

Though obeying rules and instructions isn’t very challenging, since it’s so habitual to follow his lead, what is harder is serving him. Kneeling. Bringing him his coffee. What is also hard is obeying an act of submission. Sexual submission. Saying “yes, daddy.” Lying over his lap.

I came across this quote, and I’ve been giving it some thought.

I really think this is true for me. I may seem like I have It all together or whatever… but never in my life have I needed his dominance more.

So this week, he’s changed things up. He wants me totally stripped for morning check-in. Let me tell you, when he’s fully clothed and I’m not, it’s very sobering indeed. So nearly every day this week, check in was like this.

He sits on the bed, fully clothed, and waits for me to strip. He makes me kneel, and I go over my rules. Then he places me over his knee, takes his implement, and says “count out each swat I give you.” It hurt like hell, but at the end of a check-in like that, I’m totally in a submissive mindset. He spanked me so firmly it almost felt like punishment...but I needed that. 

Tomorrow is Monday.. and I have much to do. A work plan, a house plan, a full calendar. Tonight, he’s told me he’s going to spank me before the week begins (and to be honest, it really is punishment). But I think on the verge of going back full throttle, as much as I really, truly do not want it, I think it is the very thing I need.


  1. Hi Jane, What a great post. I think there are a lot of girls out here who feel as you do. It is really hard to be submissive to your husband when life demands otherwise. You are so lucky that Jason understands and is as good at helping you find your place as he is. Hope you have a great week, both in your submission and out of it as life demands.
    love Jan, xx

    1. Thank you, Jan. It is hard to submit,and sometimes I find it harder than others for sure. I'm so thankful he's still willing to take me on!

  2. Beautifully written and makes perfect sense. It is so hard sometimes to submit, but when it works, the beauty outweighs the difficulty.

  3. "What is also hard is obeying an act of submission . . . Lying over his lap."

    JG: if you are having trouble getting in the frame of mind for lap time, you must be feeling really out of sync. I always like the way you describe how you feel when you are over lap.

    The new check in procedure sounds perfect, though. Ought to make a big difference.

    1. Artlover, you are absolutely right. I'm definitely finding it challenging these days. I do love when I'm actually there, over his lap. That hasn't changed at all. But sometimes when he says it's time I have a mental and even physical resistance, and it takes a much stronger act of will than it used to. But yes, the new check-in procedure is helping me for sure. It seems he picked up on my resistance and is ready to meet it (thank God!).


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