Monday, November 27, 2017

Code Word!

Code Word!

There is no getting around it. This is a challenging time of year for many of us. No matter how much preparation one does or how much experience one has, this can be a challenging time of year.

I thought I blogged about our code word, but everyone says I haven’t. I think what happened is I thought about blogging this about a hundred times and never actually got around to doing it.

Knowing that this time of year can be hard, Jason and I have built in plans to counteract the stress. We do enjoy the holidays very much. But it involves being out of routines (and we’re both creatures of habit who thrive on routines. Our kids are, too.). It involves socializing, and our house is the hub of most holiday socializing for both of our families. And though we do enjoy it, and aren’t shy people, we’re introverted. We need quiet and downtime to recover.


So we work hard to make sure we don’t fight, we don’t let the stress rob us of our peace, and I don’t get my ass spanked.


Jason and I have been at this for five years this month. Hard to believe! A few years ago, I realized that I needed a way to tell him if I was getting overwhelmed. Now, initially the plan was that I would tell him if I felt like I was going to lose my temper and yell, since getting control of my temper was a major focus of ours for a very long time. So we talked about it… and talked about it… and we never actually came up with a code word. Oops.

Then one day, I felt it building. I was angry and frustrated and was going to snap. So I went over to Jason, took a deep breath, and said, “Code word!”



He blinked at me at first, then got to his feet and pulled me aside, and talked me through whatever I was struggling with and it helped. A lot. I was able to overcome my anxiety that normally led me to snap at someone, and calmly deal with the situation. That was several years ago, so I have no idea now what caused my reaction. But ever since then, he let me use “code word” when I was on the verge of losing it. It helped, for a very long time.

But eventually, he expected me to keep my temper in check, and now it’s exceptionally rare that I lose my temper. I still do get overwhelmed, though. I still have moments when he’s off doing something and the kids are driving me crazy, or something boils over on the stove, or whatever. I even get occasional bouts of anxiety attacks. So, when this happens, I go to wherever Jason is and I say, “Code word.” Sometimes I say “I’m at code over here!” My kids probably think I’m crazy, but I don’t really care. It works.

I did this just today. I was overwhelmed with many things, and fairly introverted out. We’ve had guests over the past few days with the holiday, and though I’m fine when we have guests over, I need lots of time to unwind after. I reached the point where I felt the anxiety building and finally I gave Jason the code word. He came right to me, and helped me breathe through it. He got the kids to help deal with the clutter, and things went off without a hitch. I was overwhelmed. I get that way sometimes. It don’t often reach the point of anxiety, but I’m very glad we have this way of communicating with each other. 

Whenever there's a way to act preventatively instead of reactively, we try do that. It isn't just about rules, but about finding our peace, too. 



But there were times when we are out, or don’t have privacy, and Jason needs to communicate something to me. Something like… watch yourself, or Im going to spank you.


Eeep. You know, I try to behave. But sometimes my mouth gets the best of me, or my tone gets too sharp, or I get snippy with him. So a few years ago, he developed a system of five hand squeezes. One squeeze means yes. Two means no. Three means “I love you.” He does it in the middle of the night when he rolls over and grabs my hand, or when we’re at church, or wherever he wants me to know I’m loved.

But after three, things amp up a little. Four squeezes means “Be a good girl.” That’s my warning and it’s a very serious one. If my tone is off, or I’m getting close to the edge of something he doesn’t like, he will sometimes meet my eyes and just say, “Four.” I know exactly what it means. It stops me dead in my tracks. It means I’d better watch it, or when he gets me alone, he’ll punish me.



Five means “I’m gonna spank your ass,” and lemme tell ya, I’m not a happy camper when that one happens. If our kids are around, or we’re out, and he gives me the look and says “five,” I know I’m toast. He’s even texted it to me before. One time I was out with friends and he discovered something I’d forgotten to do that he asked. I got a text that said, “We’ll have a talk when we get home. That’s 5, young lady.”
Yikes.

It helps, though. We don’t always have privacy. And it’s important for us to have ways of communicating. I can’t say how many times being able to say “code word,” to him, or having him squeeze my hand four times, has helped me avoid trouble.

Communicating effectively is the single most important tool any Dom/sub needs to make their dynamic thrive. It’s far more important than spanking, or implements, or contracts, or rules. In my observation, the couples who thrive at this are the ones who make open and honest communication non-negotiable.


My readers on this blog are quiet. J But I’d like to welcome you to comment below or email me with methods you have for communicating effectively. What are ways you have for dealing with discreet communication? Submissives, do you have a way of telling your Dominant partner that you’re stressed or need help? Dominants, do you have a warning cue for your submissive?   

20 comments:

  1. I love this...great post. Hoss and I are trying out a suggestion from Cat. He will act as if he is scratching his hand, as in itchy palm. It signifies my code that I'm heading for trouble or already there. I'm interested to see what others say...
    --Baker

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi J.Girl. We don't have a codeword or signal per se, but we should come up with one. As a warning, she will, from time to time, catch my eye then making a swatting motion with her hand. But, that's far from subtle, right? :-)

    While not the core of your topic, can I say how much I get how challenging this season is for introverts? I am one, while my wife is not. She really doesn't get how the string of holiday parties, family events, and even get-togethers with other friends just wears me down and stresses me out. Christmas is my favorite holiday, but there are aspects of the season that leave me totally overwhelmed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha! Well, It isn't subtle but I doubt anyone notices!

      And yes, no matter how much preparation I put into it, it's just challenging to have to leave the comfort of my home or have others "invade" my space! I work hard at making sure I get to the gym and get to bed on time, as it seems the only way I can counteract the stress in part but even then, it doesn't always work.

      Delete
  3. Love this post! We use texting primarily when we need to communicate privately. Especially during busy social events or when we have company, texting works for us to talk about these things until we can be alone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. HI Jane, He only has to look at me after thirty five years of marriage to know when I am not coping, truly. I can always tell him outright. I have been poorly for a couple of weeks and he has taken care or everything I would normally do so easily. Obviously it helps that we are retired but it is such a busy time of year, I think most of us get stressed and snappy. I think I get a lot of leeway, it is only id I go too far that he reins me in a bit!Hope the run up to the festivities goes smoothly for you all.
    love Jan, xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thirty-five years is impressive, Jan! I bet he does know you well. It is hard to avoid the snippy attitudes during the stress of the holidays for sure. So far things are going well here, thank you!

      Delete
  5. Hey Jane...yes, as Baker said, Matthew used to just scratch is hand if he was across the room or he would lean over and tell me he was getting an itchy palm if we were together. That was my 4 on your scale. Oh and he would whisper 'BB' or 'Barn Burner' if he was next to me...that was my 5 on your scale...I knew I was toast. :( When I was overwhelmed, I would simply say 'frustrated' to him and he would help me. Happy you and Jason have worked out a way to cope.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear. I would hate that BB! I got "I'm giving you a HARD FOUR" last night, which was the strongest warning I got lol.

      Delete
  6. We are working on it. I know the look that tells me to watch it, but we haven't established a clear code for me letting him know I need help or that my fate is sealed. We're working more right now on me coming to him as the problem is building, but before I feel like I can't control it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard to recognize those cues, but it helps if when you do, you don't ignore them. Been there! <3

      Delete
  7. Years ago, if I wearing wearing a pony tail I used to have to leave one or two strands of hair down the back of my neck so he could discreetly grab them and give them a little tug. That straightened me out right quick!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Decided to take a quick look, and boy am I glad I did. You always were able to teach me something every time I visited. I love the five different meanings. Going to share that with the Duke. We also have my parents living with us now, and it's so hard to get time alone, and they are always asking us if things are okay if I have a bad day. I think I really need a code word so they understand less what is going on. I am going to bring that up to the Duke as sometimes feeling he's watching me, and not dealing with me because he's not sure how to in front of my parents, and then I feel like I'm too much to handle, and then I feel they're watching me spiraling out of control, and then I feel judged, and I just get more and more overwhelmed until I lose it. :( I really think a code word would help. THANK YOU.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EsMay, I'm so glad it helped!! I hope it's a tool you can adapt to help your own dynamic!

      Delete
  9. I love both systems. Being proactive and not reactive is a huge thing for me.

    I'm glad its working for you. I'm gonna share this post with my Sir as food for thought.

    ReplyDelete
  10. BIKSS usually knows when I'm in the middle of that snippy time of the month for me. or i tell him and i also often "warn" him that i'm feeling angsty. And when i snap and say something i KNOW i shouldnt, i tell him straightaway that it's my hormones and i really do love you!

    most of the time he forgives me, at other times he gives me a look. It's not a look i could misunderstand. i know it well. And it stops me in my tracks too.

    we don't have other codes, we are often able to just say what we need to say - usually it's me saying "i don't feel so good" and then he helps me out from there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think any method of communicating that works is great. I love it!

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.