Happy New Year, readers.
This time of year, I love to spend a little time reflecting on my dynamic with Jason.
I’m a goal-setter. It’s just how I roll. Even though I don’t really do New Year’s Resolutions, I do set yearly goals and I enjoy working my way toward them. I like spending time at the end of the year looking at the goals I set and seeing how I’ve achieved them, where I’ve fallen short, and where I’ve surpassed them. For the past three or four years, I’ve set my goals into categories: Mothering, and what I’d like to do with my kids (this includes regular one-on-one time, outings, read alouds, and things I’d like to help my children achieve), Personal goals (weight loss, exercise goals, reading goals etc.), Work, Financial, and Relationships.
Last year, I didn’t set goals with my relationship with Jason, or my submission. Last year, I asked him for a “Clean the Slate” spanking.
It was super hard to do, and even harder to take, but I do think going into 2018 it’s time to do this once more.
Jason and I haven’t drifted apart. Rather, we’re sorta like an elderly couple in D/s… we’re comfortable. We have our routines. We know what works, and what doesn’t. Communicating my needs to him is nearly intuitive, and his meeting my needs comes easily to him. We did hit a rough patch at the beginning of the school year when we were so very busy, but after discussing things, we got right back to where we were happy again.
A week or so ago, I was angry and stressed, leading right up to Christmas. A few snarky comments was all it took for Jason to lock the door, snatch up an implement, plant me face down on the bed, and spank me good and hard. It was not fun. I fought and cried, and he very firmly and decidedly spanked me to tears. When I had the brat spanked right out of me, I very humbly sniffled my apology on his chest, and he held me. But it was the beginning of a long day. Throughout the day when I saw him, I would sorta burrow into his chest, or put my arms up around his neck and hug him.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I know you are. But you needed that. I had to do that for you.”
We both knew he was right. But it wasn’t very pleasant at all, and having to punish me, when punishment is so rare for us, sent him into his cave. He wasn’t really in the mood to give me Daddy time, and he needed a good deal of time to decompress. This hurt me, but I accepted it as part of my punishment for my behavior.
The longer we practice this, the harder punishment becomes. With that in mind, I don’t look forward to asking him to spank me. But I know that if he decides it’s a good idea, it will help me. It will motivate. And as always, it will draw us closer together.
It isn’t really about “rules” anymore. Obeying him comes so naturally to me, I don’t really think much about it. Rules still exist and they’re still part of our dynamic. But we’re moving now toward a place where growth is more dependent on support and encouragement, as D/s has given us the ability to understand one another deeply, in a place where we can both be honest, vulnerable, and self-giving.
It doesn’t mean things are perfect. It means that growth, at this point, is about the relationship, and our dynamic merely gives us the tools we need.
And hasn’t it always been about relationship? It’s so easy to make this about spanking, or sex, or kink, even. It’s easy to make this about our needs, and our reactions. How do I get him to meet my needs? How can I grow to be the submissive he wants me to be? How do we set aside differences and explore how to make this our own? But as things progress, we learn something.
This isn’t about achieving perfection, but growing closer together.
Jason will ask me to share my 2018 goals with him. We’ll talk them over, and come up with a plan to achieve those. He’s more of a laidback kinda guy, but he needs my support and love and attention. He isn’t coming to me with a list of goals, but rather needs me emotionally available.
In past years, I’ve pushed myself to submit more fully… to be an attentive listener. To anticipate his needs, and understand what he wants from me. To take the focus off myself and put it on him. To be more giving, and less selfish.
The challenge, as we become comfortable in all this, is to keep the flame kindled, to not allow what we do to become so routine in no longer nourishes us.
I’ve determined 2018 is to be my year of balance. Balancing work with family and friends. Balancing my own needs with those of others in my life. To not be so consumed with one goal or task that I let the other just as important ones slide.
There were times in this past year that my submission to Jason became rote. I would bring him his coffee because he expected it, not because it was an act of service I give out of love toward him. This year, I want to focus on being present in all that I do, not making the acts of love I perform on a daily basis to allow resentment to grow, but rather seeing those as moments to be grateful.
And on that note, I want to thank you, readers, for sticking around. Thanks to those who have written to me and encouraged me in my blossoming writing career, and to those of you who quietly bought my books. To those who have written to me and thanked me, and even for those of you who have quietly sat back and simply read what I had to offer. I wish you all fulfillment and joy in 2018. Here’s to a great one.
I'm also going to ask you readers to do me a favor. I have fairly lofty writing goals for 2018, but would like to continue to blog. If there are topics you'd like to see me write about on this blog, please either comment here below, or shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Happy New Year!