Getting into fights or arguments when you’re in any relationship sucks. Getting into fights or arguments when you’re in a Dom/sub relationship is damn near devastating.
When a power exchange relationship is in full swing, there is a blessed, beautiful harmony. And yes, there is harmony in any good relationship, and in no way am I implying that Dom/sub relationships are better. But they are different. In a Dom/sub dynamic, each partner relies on the other for that bit of harmony. Before Jason and I lived this dynamic fully, when we had a disagreement, we’d eventually solve things. We would forgive one another and make up. But when we have a disagreement as Dominant and submissive, there’s added stress to our discord, and an added step in our forgiveness, to help bring us back to our roles.
The added stress is that we rely on each other more than we did before. He’s my daddy, and I’m his babygirl. And who’s the one who takes care of me when I’m hurt? Who’s the one who helps to bring peace to my mind and settle my heart? Who’s the one who holds me when I’m sad, and wipes away my tears? Jason, of course. So when he’s the cause of the sadness and tears, I’m left bereft. It hurts deeply, and rocks me to my very core.
I’m a woman of faith, so I do pray my way through it. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk it out with a friend, and I’m blessed with good, loving friends who understand and will listen, support, uplift. Sometimes, I have to withdraw, though, because the pain is too pronounced.
I cry when things aren’t right with Jason. Hell, I’m crying as I type this, because the feelings when this happen are so raw, so visceral. And I’m powerless to bring peace to our situation on my own, since Jason needs to be party to our solution.
As a dominant? When he is angry, he withdraws.
It is better that he does. A dominant must remain self-possessed, for the potential to do lasting damage to his submissive is so very dangerous. It’s unreasonable to expect a dominant to never get angry, and many people even say a dominant should never punish when angry. I don’t agree that’s always the solution. I believe a dominant should always be in control. Sometimes, Jason spanks me when he’s angry, and sometimes it’s the very thing we both need in that moment. He doesn’t hurt me, because he’s in control (though he might spank a bit harder, and as I said, sometimes that actually helps). It’s when he’s not in control that the potential to hurt me is a very real concern.
So he withdraws. I know in my head he needs to. But oh how it hurts when he does. I want him to make things better, now. It doesn’t seem fair that he’s okay with telling me to go to bed before we’ve resolved anything and depriving me of the comfort and safe place I crave. He’s my daddy. And when he’s angry and withdrawn from me, I feel as if he’s deprived me of Jason my friend, Jason my lover, Jason my husband, and Jason my daddy.
We had a fight last night. It was over something so silly and stupid. Aren’t most fights? It started harmless enough, and I think it would have ended pretty quickly if we’d handled things the way we normally do. To be honest, we’ve been borderline picking at each other for days now. I’m hormonal and grumpy. We’re undergoing major house renovations which are stressful. We’ve planned and things are manageable, but the stress is undeniable. Both of us are flat out at work, flat out at home, and our check-ins have been far too infrequent and incomplete.
That’s a pretty big deal, right there. Usually, infrequent and incomplete check-ins with each other when one or both of us are stressed causes trouble. Why? Because we don’t get into our roles. We don’t communicate everything we need to.
So we’ve been simmering beneath the surface. I’ve definitely been getting snippy at him, mostly because the truth is, I’ve felt super stressed and needed to be put in my place. It sounds maybe selfish. And it’s because it sounds so selfish that I’ve neglected telling him this. Asking for more. And because he’s stressed, he’s done things that help calm him—gaming and playing his guitar. And when he’s off doing his own thing for hours on end, I struggle with feelings of abandonment.
These are all not really big deals at the end of the day. Normally, if I get snippy with him, he just says my name sorta sternly, or gives my hand a little squeeze, or raises an eyebrow, and I get the point. If I’ve gotten snippy, during a check-in, he’ll usually remind me to behave. And then everything’s right again, because he’s happier when I’m submissive and he’s in charge and I’m happier when I’m submissive and he’s in charge.
Normally when we haven’t had time for a proper check-in, we make that happen. We tried, but the teens were so in our space, and it felt incomplete and half-hearted.
Normally when he’s stressed and needs to retreat for some down time, I support that. Everyone needs downtime, and he gives me the space to take mine. Most of the time, I don’t resent it, and he appreciates that I let him have that space without nagging him.
Normally when I’m stressed, he helps relieve that stress with a good session.
But this time, it was a perfect storm. He was stressed, so he retreated. I was stressed and needed him to help me. He wasn’t in the place to do that, so I felt angry and unsettled and that began to surface in my tone and actions. He was in no position to handle that, so things escalated. I needed him to haul me over his knee and make things better again. Instead, he got angry with me and pushed me away.
And that hurts so much. In fact, even as I type this, I have to admit I’m still a little angry.
But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. It isn’t all about me.
We have a family. Neither of us is perfect. But the beauty in this dynamic is that we have the tools to make things right again. The beauty in this is that we aren’t aiming for a destination. We’re here for the ride. Yes, it hurts when things aren’t right between us, but it won’t always be that way. We have systems in place for dealing with this. We will use those tools we have at our disposal. But most importantly, we love each other. And when two people love each other, they can’t let stupid fights drive them apart.
We don’t usually argue for long. Neither of us likes holding onto our anger. Soon, and I truly hope sooner than later, we’ll make things right again. I’ve already apologized. He knows I’m sorry for my part in this. If I know Jason, he’ll be sorry for his part in this as well. If he’s in a good place, he’ll make things right again by putting us back in our roles, with a solid check-in that will most likely involve me over his lap and some babygirl attention. We’ll talk about how we can do better next time, so we don’t get to the point of discord like this. Fights hurt like mad, but we learn a little bit every time we wrestle through things and as painful as it is in the moment, we’re always just a little bit stronger on the other side.