It’s been days and days since I’ve connected with Jason in a way that’s meaningful and important to us.
A proper check-in that isn’t rushed. Where I kneel and go over my rules in a way that’s contemplative, not rote. Kneeling before him and accepting my place as his submissive, allowing myself to embrace his dominant side. Going over his lap in surrender, my worries and fears and anxiety seeping away as my belly hits his knee. Allowing my mind to empty when I embrace his authority and guidance. Centering spanking that hurts but heals, that beautiful contradiction. Giving myself over to who I fully am, that I don’t really, truly understand, but accept nonetheless. The swish and thud of his implement or sting of his palm, the ultimate act of dominance and submission. A heart that’s light and untroubled. My body, scarred with child-bearing and decades on this earth, marked with love. Cherished and adored by the one man I kneel to.
It's been days and days since we’ve connected with intimate, self-giving love-making.
And yet my heart is full. This year, I’ve felt blessed beyond measure with a houseful of children who bring me their hopes and fears and joys, and a husband who receives my own hopes and fears and joys with kindness and tenderness. I feel I’ve grown as his submissive, simply with lived experience. Failures and successes, shared sadness and loss, wonder at what we’ve accomplished and what we plan to do next. Memories made. Plans for the future.
I’ve probably been punished fewer than a dozen times over this year. But I don’t really need much correction these days. After years and years of being Jason’s full-time submissive, and years and years of both of us actively engaged in our roles, my need to please him overshadows everything I do, and his attendance to my needs is as natural to him as breathing.
Adapting to the changes life brings, with open and selfless communication, and meeting each other’s needs above our own, is what nourishes our dynamic.
But I still need the intimate, erotic, personal connection I can only get from my Dom.
So when the stresses of the day pile on me, and I look at the never-ending to-do list, I long for that connection. The intimacy. The surrender.
I know if I neglect to tell him I’m in a place of needing him, my need will grow, and self-doubt creeps in.
Why haven’t you made time for me?
Doesn’t our relationship mean anything to you?
Do you even want to be my Dom anymore?
Don’t you love me?
Logic tells me my fears are silly. He’s a busy man with a full-time job and the father to many. His love is as constant as the sun in the sky, and yet, I need to know. I need to feel. So when too much time passes without the connection I need, emotion trumps logic, and my silly fears surface.
So I take myself to him. He’s sitting in the bed, reading, and I stand in the doorway. He raises his eyes to me.
“May I please just explain something to you? Please listen without interrupting me?” This is a constant thing between us… he is so insistent on solving whatever issue I bring him, that he often cuts me off and tries to solve things for me before I’ve fully explained what I need to say. So I’ve taken to asking him to please listen to me fully. It doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t see it as rude or defiant. It’s just how I have to communicate sometimes.
He nods. So I tell him what’s on my mind, a quick summary of what I need to do, and end with, “Without sex and a proper check-in, I’m starting to feel neglected.”
“I understand.” He does. I know he does. And he does not want me to doubt him, so he will prioritize what I need, as best he can. We talk about my work commitments and his, what our morning looks like, and he makes his decision.
“Come to me at nine o’clock. Stripped, kneeling, and ready for me.”
I nod, and he gets a little stern. “Don’t be late.”
I won’t. There have been enough times I’ve gotten busy doing what I had to and lost track of the time. Obedience matters to him. It matters to me. So if I don’t go when he says to, he’ll punish me.
I have an hour before he wants me, to finish my post, prepare my to-do list, finish my morning work, then prepare myself for him. But my heart is already at ease.