Sunday, January 28, 2018

Dragon Slayer

Readers, I've been sick this week, so I'm a bit behind in my other tasks. I'm better now, but thought it would be best to re-post an oldie from four years ago that still rings true today. <3 


Something happened here a week or so ago that I wanted to share.

You see, I think it's fairly common, at least in the beginning, to talk about the traits we look for in a Dom or an Hoh.

We want consistency. It makes us feel loved, and cared for, protected, and safe, to have the certainty of consequences. We feel unsettled with a lack of consistency.

We want firmness. We want to feel the strength of a loving hand, leading, guiding, protecting, stopping us when we feel uncertain or overwhelmed.

But we want understanding. Allowing yourself to be led, and consciously allowing yourself to be disciplined, is much more challenging in the actual application than at first it may seem.

It's not always black and white. It's not always easy to know what to do, for either of us. And sometimes, we make mistakes. When we hit bumps in the road...when one of us makes a mistake...when things don't go perfectly, one of two things can happen. We can allow those challenges to push us apart, or we can allow those challenges to brings us closer together. But one way we can allow those challenges to bring us closer together is by talking it out. 

It's really something that can't be underestimated, or said too often, or overlooked. 

A good Dom must listen to his submissive. 

And not just listen. Not just nodding and patching up a band-aid wound. He needs to listen, and take what she says to heart. 

Things had kind of gotten out of hand here. I'd allowed myself to get overwhelmed. Now, we have a certain protocol for this situation, and in my defense, I followed what I was supposed to do. I came and told him. Without getting into too much detail, it didn't go over so well.

One thing led to another, and I spouted off some things I really shouldn't have said. I did this thing that I do sometimes, where I try to say something rude and disrespectful in a meek tone of voice, somehow convincing myself if I say it nicely (and don't yell it across the house peppered with curse words) then it will get past his radar. Ha!

We got to the dinner table, and I'd convinced myself I'd gotten under his radar, so I was surprised to see him looking sternly across the table at me, gesture silently upstairs and mouth the words "after dinner." I was scrambling, wondering to myself why I had gotten the summons, and after dinner I got things cleaned up and obeyed him. He was waiting for me. He instructed me to kneel, told me exactly why I was in trouble, and after a stern lecture he put me over his lap and spanked me soundly.

When he was done, he hugged me and told me what he expected, then sent me back downstairs. I was repentant. I was meek. During his lecture, I'd recognized the error of my ways and realized he was exactly right (why is he always right?), and what I'd done wasn't acceptable. I deserved a spanking, and I knew it.

But as the night went on, I didn't feel right. I felt unsettled, and saddened. I wasn't really sure why. I knew it was more than the fact that I'd been punished. When I feel that way, I want to know why, so I thought about it and thought about it, and finally I understood. Honestly, I thought the circumstances leading up to my punishment weren't fair.

The kids went to bed. I shuffled into my room, where he was reading.

He looked up, still somewhat stern. Occasionally after I've been chastened he's not gotten repentance out of me but indignation. So he is always probing, making sure we're good again. He narrowed his eyes. "Are you moping?" 

I shook my head. No, I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that. "No, sir."

"Then what is it?" 

"Well, something's bothering me," I began, and without pulling any punches, I told him why I was upset. I told him I'd done what I was supposed to when I was overwhelmed, but he hadn't upheld his part of the bargain. After a minute, he interrupted me, said "I understand your point. Now go take your shower, while I think this over."

I obeyed quickly, giving him space to think.

But when I came back, I had more to say. I was a little nervous, not because I'm afraid of Jason, but because I really wanted the discomfort behind us. We had a nice evening planned, and I didn't want any unpleasantness ruining that. So I swallowed hard, turned to him, and said, "There were a few other things I had to say."

And at that point he did the very best thing he could've done. He smiled, lifted his arm for me to come over, and said, "Come, talk to me, baby doll."

I felt important. I felt understood. I walked over to the bed, crawled over, and snuggled under his arm.

So I did what he said. I bared my heart and soul to him, as he nodded, and listened, and let me say all that was troubling me. I spoke politely, but told him exactly what was on my mind. 

He leaned down, his arms tight around me, and kissed the top of my head.

I made sure I told him that I knew what I'd done was wrong, and that I deserved to be punished, and I didn't blame him for punishing me. I'd accepted my part, and I was honestly grateful he did what he did. We have rules and the rules are there for a reason. 

I told him all that was on my heart, and he listened.

"I understand, baby girl, and this is what we're going to do to make sure that doesn't happen again." And he did what he does. He calmly, patiently, led us. He acknowledged my hurt. He apologized for his part in it. And he came up with a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again. 

Then he did the very best thing he could've done once again. 

"Is there anything else on your mind, little one?" 

At that point? You know what was on my mind? What a very lucky girl I am. How much I am loved, and how very good he is to me. 

We came to a bump in the road and he led us over that bump. He led us onward and upward with integrity and strength. 

And this is why talking out our problems can bring us closer.  He feels that I trust him, and respect him, when I bring my troubles to him. Every time he listens, I feel important to him.

It's so very simple. This is how he slays my dragons. This is how he rescues me. He takes my day to day troubles and makes them melt away.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

To Aftercare or Not?

Last week, I got a very serious spanking. I wasn’t paying attention and ran a red light. I know… not my finest move. But because Jason and I have a rule here that I have to fess up, and I personally don’t much see the point of this if I don’t, I told him what I’d done. 

He was really, really not happy with me. 

“How long have we been doing this?” he asked. 

“A really long time.” I responded. 

“And you don’t know enough by now not to do things like that?” 

I explained to him that I’d just gotten distracted, and hadn’t been paying attention, and didn’t realize it until it was too late. Cue the lecture… which I knew I deserved... and then he said, “And now you’re going to wait a while. I want you to feel that I’m upset with you and know how it feels to be in trouble, waiting to be punished so maybe the next time you’re behind the wheel of that car, you’ll think before you act.” 

Ouch. So, I knew I was wrong. There was no talking him out of it, and no point of even trying, or even much more to do except wait. And wait. I dozed off waiting, and then he woke me up, said, “time for me to put you over my knee,” and he proceeded to do just that. It was a no-nonsense, very not fun spanking. And when he was done, he simply said, “Go to bed. You’re tired and this is over now.” 

I did. There were no cuddles. There was no rubbing out the sting, or putting lotion on me, or holding me. Nothing but a no-nonsense, very stern Dom who sent me to bed, which was frankly just about as hard to take as the spanking, because I’m a babygirl and babygirls really don’t like to upset their daddies. Some submissives want to be left alone after discipline. It’s pretty normal, actually, to want some distance to process what happened. Not me, though. I like the reassurance. That night, I didn’t get it. 

I don’t blame Jason, though. 

Some people believe that aftercare must follow discipline. That a good Hoh or Dom or Daddy provide some consolation to the submissive partner. And sometimes? I need that. Sometimes (honestly, most of the time), discipline makes me cry like a little girl. I hate letting him down. I want him pleased with me. And knowing I broke a rule makes me feel terrible. 

That knowledge is the punishment for me. The spanking is my penance. The aftercare “brings me back,” he says, from that place of sorrow and repentance, or guilt. But sometimes he just isn’t in a place to give it to me. And sometimes, he thinks the point is better made by not giving me the extra attention and snuggles, but driving the point home that this is discipline. 

Should a Dominant always offer aftercare? Many couples think that yes, it’s negligent on the behalf of a Dominant to discipline and then not give a submissive aftercare. However, sometimes the absence of aftercare is part of the discipline process. 

And I think what we forget is, aftercare originated in BDSM. It was never really a concept associated with Domestic Discipline, but rather the attention a Dom or Top gave a submissive or bottom after a session or scene. Aftercare after a BDSM session is similar to what we think of as aftercare in a Dom/sub dynamic: physical attention if needed (arnica, lotion, massage), as well as emotional attention, to help the bottom avoid post-session sadness or depression (or sub-drop). You can read more about that HERE

So the difference is that in BDSM, a responsible Dominant or Top provides attentive aftercare. However, in a disciplinary dynamic, if the purpose of a spanking is discipline, sometimes discipline without aftercare is actually more effective than discipline that ends with cuddles. 

Some of the most effective spankings Jason has ever given me have been devoid of aftercare, like my spanking the other night. Sometimes, we’re just too damn busy to get to the aftercare. I deserve a spanking, upstairs we go, door gets locked, he spanks me, we go downstairs to cook dinner. Not what I’d recommend or want, but this is real life here. And on the same note, some of the most effective spankings he’s given me involved long, attentive aftercare. He spanks me hard, to tears. I’m sniffling and sobbing, I’m so upset about getting in trouble. He pulls me up onto his lap and holds me “until you’re right again,” as he puts it, getting me tissues to wipe my eyes. And those times are also effective, because the after-spanking cuddles make me want to please him even more. 

Personally, I don't think there's a right and wrong with this but that whether or not aftercare is needed depends highly on the individual and the session. 

What say you, readers? Should a Dom always give a submissive aftercare after a session? Why or why not? 

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Ten Reasons to Practice a Dom/sub Dynamic

Please note I'm offering these as food for thought, not a blueprint for any D/s dynamic, a promise this will happen, or a blanket statement saying these statements are true for all. They're simply some observations I've made in my own D/s dynamic, and in the community.


10.    We are happier and less depressed.

With the rise in cortisol levels, more sex, and less conflict? Move over chocolate. I’ll take a spanking, please.

9.   We enhance the level of trust in our relationship

Having to face someone's weaknesses and lean on the support of another is humbling. It is oh so hard to admit we've not done what we should, and it's so hard to ask for help from another. That's exactly what we do when we submit to discipline. We have to trust they won't hurt us both emotionally or physically. And yes, we're only human and still make mistakes, but trusting someone else is so freeing. And from the Dominant's perspective, knowing they're trusted so deeply often makes them feel empowered and loved.

8.   We learn the art of mutual self-giving

When we engage in D/s, we are asking the dominant partner to give of themselves... attention, discipline, love, and affection. Support and guidance, direction..the list goes on. And in turn, the submissive partner must also give... trust, acceptance, honesty. And when two people give freely to the other, love grows. 

7. It's sexy. 

'Nuff said? 

6. We become more comfortable in our own skin

When you recognize the fact that you're attracted to an alternative lifestyle... and you accept that and engage in it... it's empowering. And since many dominants also encourage submissives to be positive, and not allow self-deprecation, it also sometimes happens that the submissive becomes more self-confident. In turn, the act of dominance, when willingly accepted by the submissive, often empowers the dominant. 

5.   We have more peace in our homes.

In a working D/s dynamic, conflict is often easily resolved and communication so routine, that peace often reins. Couples learn to build one another up, to offer encouragement, to focus on each other and not allow distractions to tear them apart.

4.   We don’t fight as often.

With a fairly simple, clear-cut method of conflict resolution, D/s couples often report they don't fight nearly as often as they used to, if ever. 

3.  We enhance better communication

And I don't just mean when it comes to the relationship, but all areas the couple face are often improved with clear communication. If we learn to express ourselves succinctly, and how to talk while truly listening to the other, we become really good communicators. 

2.   We become the best versions of ourselves

Many D/s dynamics focus on some area of improvement -- goal setting, helping overcome character flaws, focusing on being responsible or productive. And when meeting those expectations becomes habit, and a Dominant partner consistently helps the submissive meet those goals, we improve ourselves. In turn, often the dominant partner finds they have to hold themselves to the same standards. 

1.   We keep the romance alive

And the number one reason to practice D/s? We keep the romance alive. The whole cocktail of all the reasons to practice D/s add up to this. When we remove conflict, become happier, have better sex lives, build one another up, focusing on meeting the needs of the other? Magic happens. The relationship can really and truly flourish. 

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Spaaannnkkk Meeeeeeee

I’m getting a little needy around the edges. 

I really need a spanking.

It’s not just me, though. Lots of submissives say they feel this way, sometimes, and so many have told me they get frustrated, because a Dominant partner (usually new to the scene) won’t understand why we need to be spanked even when we’ve been good and haven’t broken any rules. 

Most of the spankings I get are to keep me submissive, to relieve stress, or to remind me of my place. It’s so incredibly difficult to get myself in my submissive headspace all alone. I need more. I need help to get there most days. Sure I can submit to Jason without his help, it’s just so much harder to do that.

Today, we were busy first thing in the morning. I didn’t bring him his coffee early enough before church,  and we’ve been going ever since. I gave him a little pouty face at one point, and he warned, “Be careful, little girl. You don’t want that pout to get you in trouble,” to which I responded, “Yes, Daddy.” But I’m dying for some attention. Problem is, I have to actually make time for that to happen and so does he. We will. We need to. 

I know that if I go too long at the edge of “I need a spanking” I’ll topple into trouble territory. And he knows, and has said as much, that if he doesn't give me what I need in a preemptive fashion, that it’ll take far longer to unravel me than it does to pull me over his knee and spank me soundly.

The problem is, I don’t always need a severe spanking, but I do need a good thorough one. When it comes to a spanking that puts me in my place, or relieves stress, I need the whole shebang. Daddy tells me to get over his lap. My “take charge” begins to quiet. He talks to me about my duties and my roles, and what he expects, and might remind me that he loves me and that I’m a good girl. Then I need that spanking to help me let go. It can’t be a “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am,” because it really isn’t about the pain. It’s about the exchange of power, me telling him, “Here, I trust you, please help me stay focused/behave/relax/obey” but most of all I trust you, and it’s him saying “Here’s your reminder to behave, that I’m in change and you’re not/ focus here on this and nothing else/ quiet your mind and listen,” but what I hear above all is I love you. 

There are oh sooooo many pyschological studies out there that show how participants in BDSM frequently welcome an altered psychological state. Now, whenever I make any correlations on this blog to BDSM, I have people writing to me to remind me that Domestic Discipline or Dominance and Submission aren’t the same as BDSM. Yep. I do get that. However, there really aren’t many studies (any?) that study the finer nuances of DD or D/s, so it stands to reason for those who are interested in geeky data science (meee!), that we take what we can from BDSM research and leave the rest. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

I’m not a masochist. I’m a submissive. And those two aren’t the same. Because of that distinction, submitting to a spanking doesn’t always arouse me. I’m not wired to be turned on with the pain; I’m wired to be turned on by the exchange of power. So his dominance – his instructions – his rules, and reminding me to behave, and telling me to stay on track – that’s what I need. That’s what makes me feel calm. That’s what turns me on. But the spanking solidifies our roles. From the purely scientific perspective, research shows us that people who practice BDSM experience a rise in cortisol levels. This is why one can get to a state of sub-space, and why submissives often feel more relaxed and at peace after a spanking. Spanking is a multi-faceted cure. When we are put over the knee, our minds are cleared. We are reminded who’s in charge. We share an intimate moment. We get a jolt of those “feel good” hormones, and a stinging reminder that we are special, and we really crave that attention.

When I don’t get spanked often enough, I get this itch, and it’s really, really freaking hard to scratch that itch on my own, like smack dab in the middle of my back where my fingers don’t reach. 

So today, I have a job.
I need to tell my man I need him.

He wants to meet my needs. He expects me to come to him. And though part of me doesn’t want to (remember…spankings hurt…and I’m a wimp), I know I’ll be far, far better off if I submit myself to him in this and tell him my needs.

Dominants… never underestimate the power of a spanking, even when your submissive partner has behaved. I daresay, especially when he or she has.

Submissives… bring your needs to your Dominant. While it may be their job to meet our needs, it’s our to tell them what they are.

Happy Spanking, Readers. ;)