Sunday, January 14, 2018

Ten Reasons to Practice a Dom/sub Dynamic

Please note I'm offering these as food for thought, not a blueprint for any D/s dynamic, a promise this will happen, or a blanket statement saying these statements are true for all. They're simply some observations I've made in my own D/s dynamic, and in the community.


10.    We are happier and less depressed.

With the rise in cortisol levels, more sex, and less conflict? Move over chocolate. I’ll take a spanking, please.

9.   We enhance the level of trust in our relationship

Having to face someone's weaknesses and lean on the support of another is humbling. It is oh so hard to admit we've not done what we should, and it's so hard to ask for help from another. That's exactly what we do when we submit to discipline. We have to trust they won't hurt us both emotionally or physically. And yes, we're only human and still make mistakes, but trusting someone else is so freeing. And from the Dominant's perspective, knowing they're trusted so deeply often makes them feel empowered and loved.

8.   We learn the art of mutual self-giving

When we engage in D/s, we are asking the dominant partner to give of themselves... attention, discipline, love, and affection. Support and guidance, direction..the list goes on. And in turn, the submissive partner must also give... trust, acceptance, honesty. And when two people give freely to the other, love grows. 

7. It's sexy. 

'Nuff said? 

6. We become more comfortable in our own skin

When you recognize the fact that you're attracted to an alternative lifestyle... and you accept that and engage in it... it's empowering. And since many dominants also encourage submissives to be positive, and not allow self-deprecation, it also sometimes happens that the submissive becomes more self-confident. In turn, the act of dominance, when willingly accepted by the submissive, often empowers the dominant. 

5.   We have more peace in our homes.

In a working D/s dynamic, conflict is often easily resolved and communication so routine, that peace often reins. Couples learn to build one another up, to offer encouragement, to focus on each other and not allow distractions to tear them apart.

4.   We don’t fight as often.

With a fairly simple, clear-cut method of conflict resolution, D/s couples often report they don't fight nearly as often as they used to, if ever. 

3.  We enhance better communication

And I don't just mean when it comes to the relationship, but all areas the couple face are often improved with clear communication. If we learn to express ourselves succinctly, and how to talk while truly listening to the other, we become really good communicators. 

2.   We become the best versions of ourselves

Many D/s dynamics focus on some area of improvement -- goal setting, helping overcome character flaws, focusing on being responsible or productive. And when meeting those expectations becomes habit, and a Dominant partner consistently helps the submissive meet those goals, we improve ourselves. In turn, often the dominant partner finds they have to hold themselves to the same standards. 

1.   We keep the romance alive

And the number one reason to practice D/s? We keep the romance alive. The whole cocktail of all the reasons to practice D/s add up to this. When we remove conflict, become happier, have better sex lives, build one another up, focusing on meeting the needs of the other? Magic happens. The relationship can really and truly flourish. 

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Spaaannnkkk Meeeeeeee

I’m getting a little needy around the edges. 

I really need a spanking.

It’s not just me, though. Lots of submissives say they feel this way, sometimes, and so many have told me they get frustrated, because a Dominant partner (usually new to the scene) won’t understand why we need to be spanked even when we’ve been good and haven’t broken any rules. 

Most of the spankings I get are to keep me submissive, to relieve stress, or to remind me of my place. It’s so incredibly difficult to get myself in my submissive headspace all alone. I need more. I need help to get there most days. Sure I can submit to Jason without his help, it’s just so much harder to do that.

Today, we were busy first thing in the morning. I didn’t bring him his coffee early enough before church,  and we’ve been going ever since. I gave him a little pouty face at one point, and he warned, “Be careful, little girl. You don’t want that pout to get you in trouble,” to which I responded, “Yes, Daddy.” But I’m dying for some attention. Problem is, I have to actually make time for that to happen and so does he. We will. We need to. 

I know that if I go too long at the edge of “I need a spanking” I’ll topple into trouble territory. And he knows, and has said as much, that if he doesn't give me what I need in a preemptive fashion, that it’ll take far longer to unravel me than it does to pull me over his knee and spank me soundly.

The problem is, I don’t always need a severe spanking, but I do need a good thorough one. When it comes to a spanking that puts me in my place, or relieves stress, I need the whole shebang. Daddy tells me to get over his lap. My “take charge” begins to quiet. He talks to me about my duties and my roles, and what he expects, and might remind me that he loves me and that I’m a good girl. Then I need that spanking to help me let go. It can’t be a “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am,” because it really isn’t about the pain. It’s about the exchange of power, me telling him, “Here, I trust you, please help me stay focused/behave/relax/obey” but most of all I trust you, and it’s him saying “Here’s your reminder to behave, that I’m in change and you’re not/ focus here on this and nothing else/ quiet your mind and listen,” but what I hear above all is I love you. 

There are oh sooooo many pyschological studies out there that show how participants in BDSM frequently welcome an altered psychological state. Now, whenever I make any correlations on this blog to BDSM, I have people writing to me to remind me that Domestic Discipline or Dominance and Submission aren’t the same as BDSM. Yep. I do get that. However, there really aren’t many studies (any?) that study the finer nuances of DD or D/s, so it stands to reason for those who are interested in geeky data science (meee!), that we take what we can from BDSM research and leave the rest. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

I’m not a masochist. I’m a submissive. And those two aren’t the same. Because of that distinction, submitting to a spanking doesn’t always arouse me. I’m not wired to be turned on with the pain; I’m wired to be turned on by the exchange of power. So his dominance – his instructions – his rules, and reminding me to behave, and telling me to stay on track – that’s what I need. That’s what makes me feel calm. That’s what turns me on. But the spanking solidifies our roles. From the purely scientific perspective, research shows us that people who practice BDSM experience a rise in cortisol levels. This is why one can get to a state of sub-space, and why submissives often feel more relaxed and at peace after a spanking. Spanking is a multi-faceted cure. When we are put over the knee, our minds are cleared. We are reminded who’s in charge. We share an intimate moment. We get a jolt of those “feel good” hormones, and a stinging reminder that we are special, and we really crave that attention.

When I don’t get spanked often enough, I get this itch, and it’s really, really freaking hard to scratch that itch on my own, like smack dab in the middle of my back where my fingers don’t reach. 

So today, I have a job.
I need to tell my man I need him.

He wants to meet my needs. He expects me to come to him. And though part of me doesn’t want to (remember…spankings hurt…and I’m a wimp), I know I’ll be far, far better off if I submit myself to him in this and tell him my needs.

Dominants… never underestimate the power of a spanking, even when your submissive partner has behaved. I daresay, especially when he or she has.

Submissives… bring your needs to your Dominant. While it may be their job to meet our needs, it’s our to tell them what they are.

Happy Spanking, Readers. ;)