Sunday, January 21, 2018

To Aftercare or Not?

Last week, I got a very serious spanking. I wasn’t paying attention and ran a red light. I know… not my finest move. But because Jason and I have a rule here that I have to fess up, and I personally don’t much see the point of this if I don’t, I told him what I’d done. 

He was really, really not happy with me. 


“How long have we been doing this?” he asked. 

“A really long time.” I responded. 

“And you don’t know enough by now not to do things like that?” 

I explained to him that I’d just gotten distracted, and hadn’t been paying attention, and didn’t realize it until it was too late. Cue the lecture… which I knew I deserved... and then he said, “And now you’re going to wait a while. I want you to feel that I’m upset with you and know how it feels to be in trouble, waiting to be punished so maybe the next time you’re behind the wheel of that car, you’ll think before you act.” 

Ouch. So, I knew I was wrong. There was no talking him out of it, and no point of even trying, or even much more to do except wait. And wait. I dozed off waiting, and then he woke me up, said, “time for me to put you over my knee,” and he proceeded to do just that. It was a no-nonsense, very not fun spanking. And when he was done, he simply said, “Go to bed. You’re tired and this is over now.” 

I did. There were no cuddles. There was no rubbing out the sting, or putting lotion on me, or holding me. Nothing but a no-nonsense, very stern Dom who sent me to bed, which was frankly just about as hard to take as the spanking, because I’m a babygirl and babygirls really don’t like to upset their daddies. Some submissives want to be left alone after discipline. It’s pretty normal, actually, to want some distance to process what happened. Not me, though. I like the reassurance. That night, I didn’t get it. 

I don’t blame Jason, though. 

Some people believe that aftercare must follow discipline. That a good Hoh or Dom or Daddy provide some consolation to the submissive partner. And sometimes? I need that. Sometimes (honestly, most of the time), discipline makes me cry like a little girl. I hate letting him down. I want him pleased with me. And knowing I broke a rule makes me feel terrible. 

That knowledge is the punishment for me. The spanking is my penance. The aftercare “brings me back,” he says, from that place of sorrow and repentance, or guilt. But sometimes he just isn’t in a place to give it to me. And sometimes, he thinks the point is better made by not giving me the extra attention and snuggles, but driving the point home that this is discipline. 

Should a Dominant always offer aftercare? Many couples think that yes, it’s negligent on the behalf of a Dominant to discipline and then not give a submissive aftercare. However, sometimes the absence of aftercare is part of the discipline process. 

And I think what we forget is, aftercare originated in BDSM. It was never really a concept associated with Domestic Discipline, but rather the attention a Dom or Top gave a submissive or bottom after a session or scene. Aftercare after a BDSM session is similar to what we think of as aftercare in a Dom/sub dynamic: physical attention if needed (arnica, lotion, massage), as well as emotional attention, to help the bottom avoid post-session sadness or depression (or sub-drop). You can read more about that HERE



So the difference is that in BDSM, a responsible Dominant or Top provides attentive aftercare. However, in a disciplinary dynamic, if the purpose of a spanking is discipline, sometimes discipline without aftercare is actually more effective than discipline that ends with cuddles. 

Some of the most effective spankings Jason has ever given me have been devoid of aftercare, like my spanking the other night. Sometimes, we’re just too damn busy to get to the aftercare. I deserve a spanking, upstairs we go, door gets locked, he spanks me, we go downstairs to cook dinner. Not what I’d recommend or want, but this is real life here. And on the same note, some of the most effective spankings he’s given me involved long, attentive aftercare. He spanks me hard, to tears. I’m sniffling and sobbing, I’m so upset about getting in trouble. He pulls me up onto his lap and holds me “until you’re right again,” as he puts it, getting me tissues to wipe my eyes. And those times are also effective, because the after-spanking cuddles make me want to please him even more. 

Personally, I don't think there's a right and wrong with this but that whether or not aftercare is needed depends highly on the individual and the session. 

What say you, readers? Should a Dom always give a submissive aftercare after a session? Why or why not? 








16 comments:

  1. Hi JGirl. Like your situation with Jason, some of our punishment sessions involve "aftercare," and some do not. I have mixed feelings about it. For a very long time, a DD session was almost always followed by sex, and laying there in bed we often talked at length about the session, what led to it, what worked, what didn't. It was very intimate. We did not consciously decide to stop doing that, but it seems like more recently a session happens and we either go to bed or go back to what we were doing. It's really a function of life's busyness. Wile I miss the intimacy when it does not happen, in some ways it does seem more like real punishment when it does not happen. "Aftercare," sexual intimacy, etc. does seem to give kind of a mixed signal after a hard punishment spanking and could potentially reward the bad behavior that led to it.

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    1. I don't know if I really think it gives a mixed signal, at least for me, because sometimes I honestly see sex afterwards as an extension of aftercare, so when it doesn't end with sex, I have this feeling it's part of the punishment. I'm not sure how Jason intends it, but it definitely feels that way.

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  2. Hi Jane, I think it depends on the situation, like you say sometimes you need it, sometimes you don't. If and I am guessing it is a big if ( not to you,Jason is on top of it) you have a good hoh he will know the difference and will act appropriately. As the spankee I am a fan of aftercare, my beloved is fairly obliging....
    Hope all is well with you now.
    love Jan, xx

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    1. I like it, too. I definitely don't like when I don't get it.

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  3. Hi Jane, I hope you're feeling better now <3
    The spanking I received for running a red light was one of my worst and hardest to take on record. I almost always receive aftercare (and thank goodness) - for me, it is absolutely imperative because the punishment doesn't stop until I've been cuddled and reassured. I struggle a lot when my Daddy sends me to the corner or orders me to write lines straight after my spanking, making me wait until later to receive my aftercare.
    Interestingly though, when we started this journey, punishments were often followed by sexual intimacy however, as the time has passed, aftercare has become increasingly less sexual.
    Kathryn x

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    1. I understand, some of us need more reassurance than others. As I said to Dan, I see sex after as an extension of aftercare, but I know lots of couples who make a clear line of differentiation between fun and punishment by not allowing sex after. Sometimes, especially after a very serious punishment, I don't *want* sex. I feel too emotional and need a little time to absorb those emotions, too raw to push my doors wide open again.

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    2. "but I know lots of couples who make a clear line of differentiation between fun and punishment by not allowing sex after. "

      All I can say is, "boo! Hiss!"

      The spanking is the punishment, IMO. When it is over, it is time to be loving. IMO.

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    3. Yes, the spanking is the punishment, but I'm just not always emotionally ready for more after a very serious punishment (very rare). That said, some people just do things differently than we do, and I want to respect that. :)

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  4. From the beginning the rule here is no loving, no sex after a punishment. Hugs, yes, let's me know all is right again, but then it usually some quiet time for me.
    hugs abby

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    1. That sounds hard to take but I bet it works!

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  5. Aftercare is very important. But I do think in this case, where there is a long-term relationship and if things went south the next day he'd be there, aftercare can be avoided, at least immediately. It is part of the punishment!

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    1. That's a good point. Perhaps aftercare is more common/necessary with couples that are newer, but with a more established relationship it may not be necessary.

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  6. I agree with you that if it is part of the discipline, then aftercare may be delivered LATER. perhaps the next day? But also like you said, i too believe there is no right or wrong - every couple has a different dynamic and as long as both are in agreement as to what works for them, then onward!!

    (No discipline here, so no practical application of this theory in my part of the world. there is always cuddling after a spanking in this room.)

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    1. You're right, it isn't like there's a total lack of aftercare, but rather it doesn't always immediately follow discipline.

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  7. Hey J Girl,
    Thank you so much for writing this article. Sometimes my HOH doesn't give me after care after a punishment because of the reasons stated above. I always thought we were doing something wrong.
    I agree with you it sucks not getting after care but for me it really drives the point home.

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    1. Hey, Lizzy, if it works for you guys, there is no "right" or "wrong." :) What works for one couple won't work for another, in my opinion.

      It drives the point home for me, too. Honestly, sometimes after punishing me, Jason is the one who needs some distance, too. He hates punishing me, and needs to sort of regroup.

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