Last week, I got a very serious spanking. I wasn’t paying attention and ran a red light. I know… not my finest move. But because Jason and I have a rule here that I have to fess up, and I personally don’t much see the point of this if I don’t, I told him what I’d done.
He was really, really not happy with me.
“How long have we been doing this?” he asked.
“A really long time.” I responded.
“And you don’t know enough by now not to do things like that?”
I explained to him that I’d just gotten distracted, and hadn’t been paying attention, and didn’t realize it until it was too late. Cue the lecture… which I knew I deserved... and then he said, “And now you’re going to wait a while. I want you to feel that I’m upset with you and know how it feels to be in trouble, waiting to be punished so maybe the next time you’re behind the wheel of that car, you’ll think before you act.”
Ouch. So, I knew I was wrong. There was no talking him out of it, and no point of even trying, or even much more to do except wait. And wait. I dozed off waiting, and then he woke me up, said, “time for me to put you over my knee,” and he proceeded to do just that. It was a no-nonsense, very not fun spanking. And when he was done, he simply said, “Go to bed. You’re tired and this is over now.”
I did. There were no cuddles. There was no rubbing out the sting, or putting lotion on me, or holding me. Nothing but a no-nonsense, very stern Dom who sent me to bed, which was frankly just about as hard to take as the spanking, because I’m a babygirl and babygirls really don’t like to upset their daddies. Some submissives want to be left alone after discipline. It’s pretty normal, actually, to want some distance to process what happened. Not me, though. I like the reassurance. That night, I didn’t get it.
I don’t blame Jason, though.
Some people believe that aftercare must follow discipline. That a good Hoh or Dom or Daddy provide some consolation to the submissive partner. And sometimes? I need that. Sometimes (honestly, most of the time), discipline makes me cry like a little girl. I hate letting him down. I want him pleased with me. And knowing I broke a rule makes me feel terrible.
That knowledge is the punishment for me. The spanking is my penance. The aftercare “brings me back,” he says, from that place of sorrow and repentance, or guilt. But sometimes he just isn’t in a place to give it to me. And sometimes, he thinks the point is better made by not giving me the extra attention and snuggles, but driving the point home that this is discipline.
Should a Dominant always offer aftercare? Many couples think that yes, it’s negligent on the behalf of a Dominant to discipline and then not give a submissive aftercare. However, sometimes the absence of aftercare is part of the discipline process.
And I think what we forget is, aftercare originated in BDSM. It was never really a concept associated with Domestic Discipline, but rather the attention a Dom or Top gave a submissive or bottom after a session or scene. Aftercare after a BDSM session is similar to what we think of as aftercare in a Dom/sub dynamic: physical attention if needed (arnica, lotion, massage), as well as emotional attention, to help the bottom avoid post-session sadness or depression (or sub-drop). You can read more about that HERE.
So the difference is that in BDSM, a responsible Dominant or Top provides attentive aftercare. However, in a disciplinary dynamic, if the purpose of a spanking is discipline, sometimes discipline without aftercare is actually more effective than discipline that ends with cuddles.
Some of the most effective spankings Jason has ever given me have been devoid of aftercare, like my spanking the other night. Sometimes, we’re just too damn busy to get to the aftercare. I deserve a spanking, upstairs we go, door gets locked, he spanks me, we go downstairs to cook dinner. Not what I’d recommend or want, but this is real life here. And on the same note, some of the most effective spankings he’s given me involved long, attentive aftercare. He spanks me hard, to tears. I’m sniffling and sobbing, I’m so upset about getting in trouble. He pulls me up onto his lap and holds me “until you’re right again,” as he puts it, getting me tissues to wipe my eyes. And those times are also effective, because the after-spanking cuddles make me want to please him even more.
Personally, I don't think there's a right and wrong with this but that whether or not aftercare is needed depends highly on the individual and the session.
What say you, readers? Should a Dom always give a submissive aftercare after a session? Why or why not?