Sunday, February 18, 2018

Allowing Him to Love Me

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post called “Spank Meeeee.” In the comment section, one reader mentioned that he had brought this dynamic to his wife, and despite her insistence that she really, really enjoys the fruits of this dynamic, he still has some hang-ups about pursuing the dynamic. The comment was actually in reference to something else, but I picked up on that, and offered my opinion.

Shortly after that, a reader friend of mine wrote to me and said she’d read the comment and had a bit of a lightbulb moment herself. So I decided this point was worth exploring in a blog post. Another reader also mentioned this excellent article on Acting As If. It’s worth a read.

Jason and I have a somewhat different experience to our start to DD than I’ve encountered with other couples. In most cases, one partner is interested in pursuing a DD or D/s dynamic, and things naturally progress from there. In some cases it’s a natural progression; in others it takes years and years of hard work and heart ache. Sometimes, the dynamic flourishes naturally, and at other times, it doesn’t.

With me and Jason, we were exploring erotic spanking in the bedroom. I was a major prude when we married, but after a full decade of marriage, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to spank me. That story’s here. After we explored erotic spanking for a while, one day he decided I needed a “real” spanking. A punishment spanking. At the time, I was convinced that Domestic Discipline, though it secretly turned me on, was wrong. That it wasn’t right for a husband to discipline his wife. I protested, and when I protested, he marched me to the bed, pushed me onto my belly, and gave me a few quick smacks with his belt to show me he was serious. I’d never been spanked with a belt before. He’d never punished me. And it changed my life. I wanted this. Badly. So I pushed it with him… badly.

We had a lot of kinks to work out (pun intended). And even after he’d totally embraced this lifestyle, and admitted he loved seeing me flourish, he told me one day that he hated punishing me. I was so upset about this.

“What do you mean you hate punishing me?” I asked him. I felt my heart skip a beat, and suddenly, this awesome dynamic that had transformed my marriage felt so wrong.

“I hate it. I don’t like to hurt you. I don’t like to see you cry. And I don’t like punishing you.”

Jason isn’t a sadist. He enjoys spanking me and embraces his dominance, but he does not glean any real pleasure from causing me pain. That doesn’t mean that taking me over his knee doesn’t arouse him. Sure it does. I’m usually bared, and he’s only human, and the vulnerability and dominance of it all does turn him on. But he doesn’t enjoy the pain. He enjoys the exchange of power.

I didn’t understand all that then, though.

“If you don’t like it…and really hate it… maybe you shouldn’t do it anymore.” I love Jason. And I disliked knowing he was doing something he hated, for me.

He smiled at me and took my hand and said, “Don’t misunderstand me. Just because I hate punishing you doesn’t mean I won’t. I shouldn’t like punishing you. I love you. It’s natural for me to not want to cause you pain.”

“So why do you do it?” I asked him. “Why do you do it even though you hate it?”

“Because it’s the most loving thing for me to do. You need this from me. You thrive with this in your life. And because of that, I need to give this to you.”

I think I’d been harboring some sort of hope that he would embrace this as his own, that he wanted to dominate me as much as I wanted him to. That something deep down inside him would fuel his desire to make me behave, and demand my obedience. And that somehow him doing it for me made it less authentic.

I was wrong. All of that was wrong. And it was when he explained that he does this because he loves me that I understood. He was giving of himself to me, just as I give myself to him in so many other ways. I hate cooking. I really, really don’t like cooking. But I still make myself do it, and make Jason his favorite meals, and go out of my way just to please him. Because it’s the most loving thing to do.

And I realized… that I do things I hate, too, out of love. I hated  telling my baby “no,” and hearing her cry, but I knew that a good mom stands firm and doesn’t spoil her child. I knew that there were many things I did in my life that I disliked, for the mere reason that it was the loving thing to do. So why would I demand things on my terms? Why did Jason have to be some sort of “natural disciplinarian” with me for this to be authentic? No. Instead, I had to graciously accept his generous gift of self, and allow him to love me. I had to shelve my pride and take him as he was, and love him just like that. Just like he did me.

And now, over five years later, I can honestly say this was a turning point for us. He loves my obedience. He loves the fruits of the power exchange in our marriage. He’s cultivated his dominance and I’ve cultivated my submission, and though we still grow and evolve and learn, this has become a beautiful, natural part of how we relate. We’ll never turn back.

He still hates punishing me. He will always hate punishing me. It is up to me to accept what he gives me, and give back to him in return. It is up to me to accept his love.


  1. We have had what seems to be a somewhat easier path than you and Jason on that front. I think my wife probably thought the concept of DD was a little -- weird -- when I brought it to her. But, after she gave it a try, she has never had a problem with punishing me. I've checked in with her on this many times, and she is adamant that she likes disciplining me. It empowers her and humbles me, both of which are good things given our natural tendencies.

    She struggles more with exercising leadership. She have said here that Jason has natural dominant tendencies. My wife doesn't. For her, leading requires some real stretching. She also has a hard time with being openly dominant, but I am learning that it's not because she does not enjoy it, but because she thinks that no matter how much I say I want it, when push comes to shove I will resist, not comply, get angry at her if she shows anger with me, etc. We are working on it, but it is a challenge.

  2. This is a fantastic perspective. Doing these things out of love.

  3. Curious Cat

    Hello again. I think I may be the reader you mention at the top of this post who brought the dynamic to his wife but was doubting it despite my wife's insistence that she was enjoying it and benefitting from it. If so... I'm honored to have been mentioned and thrilled that my comment inspired one of your posts.

    Your blog has been an enormous resource to me as we've taken this journey. I visit here often to learn new ideas and to reconfirm old ones. Therefore, it was such an interesting coincidence to see you mention the "Acting As If" post from the Taken in Hand site. As I may have mentioned before, my journey started with the Taken in Hand site. I honestly can't even recall how I ended up there but I was enthralled by it. What's really interesting is that I was quite judgmental in my head when I first started reading post on TIH. I couldn't believe that there was a site about men spanking their wives for misbehavior. But obviously there was something in that material that struck a cord deep down within me because I couldn't stay away from that site. I spent days culling through different posts and developing a deeper understanding of the dynamic. It didn't take long for me to want to turn our relationship into a TIH relationship. What I was really after was developing a mechanism or a dynamic that would allow my wife and I to better handle disagreements. We have always had a wonderful and loving marriage but we were losing too many days to silent treatments that would develop after minor arguments. I knew there had to be a better way. I believed that in TIH, I had just stumbled upon that new and improved way. What really has me blown away here today after having just read your post is that the "Acting As If" post was the one that finally gave me an inkling of how to develop this dynamic in myself in order to ultimately bring it to my wife. I know the Acting As If post was written by a wife and was instructive on how to be submissive but the theory works just as well for the HOH learning how to be Dominant. That is exactly what I started to do. I just started taking on more responsibilities, making more decisions, leading more, complaining less, and looking to capitalize on any small opportunity to lead or show loving dominance. Since embarking on this journey almost two years ago... needless to say, we have never had the husband/wife typical conversation of "Where do you want to eat? I don't know, where do you? I don't know. You pick..." etc, etc. These days, I always have a plan. I decide where we are going to eat and everyone is happy. Now, if my wife really wants to try a new restaurant she comes to me in advance and asks if we can eat there. 99% of the time I'm going to say yes. And in truth, nothing turns me on more than my girl making a request or asking permission. Anyway, I'm a bit off track here but I wanted to share a small example of how much this dynamic improved our lives in the smallest of ways.

    (Had to break up my post... too long... see next post... )

  4. (Part II... my post was too long. Had to break it up)

    But it's also changed our lives in big ways. As we moved deeper into our dynamic we evolved from the early days of TIH into a much more traditional D/s dynamic. Which to be honest... I was not even well aware of before starting this journey. But one thing led to another as I researched and looked for ways to deepen our dynamic and expand the positive results I was seeing for our marriage. These days we live a 24/7 D/s marriage that is a constant work in progress. To say that this dynamic as improved our marriage is the understatement of the year. My sense from your blog is that you and Jason always had a good marriage even before D/s. That is very much true for us as well. We have always been great together so it's remarkable to see that even with that fantastic foundation, we have been able to grow our relationship into so much more. Almost two years later I can honestly say it's as though our intimacy is on steroids.

    That's not to say we don't have our ups and downs. There are many. Far too many times I have the thought in my head that this isn't working and that maybe it's time for me to drop this whole D/s thing. But what I've been learning is that it's at exactly that time that I need to double down on it. Typically, my frustration is that I don't feel she's behaving submissively, there's too much snapping or I don't like her tone. Without fail, I initially process that as her communicating that she doesn't like this dynamic or she doesn't want to do it anymore. And then I sit on it for awhile. And usually after some deep thought on it, I realize that the reason we're off track lies is because of me. I have not been leading as best as I can. Or that I have been using a sharp tone. Or that I have not been dominant enough. So at that moment where I'm about to cut bait... I do the opposite. I take back the reins and start leading and dominating again. So far, it has worked every time, without fail. In fact, just last night I was having my doubts, ready to drop the whole thing. But I slept on it, woke up this morning and realized she just needs to be led properly again. She needs to feel dominated... lovingly of course but still dominated. And she needs to be spanked for her brattiness over the weekend. I let her know exactly what was going to be happening when I come home tonight and there was a little bit of a gulp and a little bit of a smile. Somewhere inside the magical combination of those two emotions is the reason this works so well.

    Still figuring it out myself... Best of luck to you...

    Curious Cat

  5. Wow, I loved this! I rarely ever get the Duke to read a post, but this is so much like he is, that I'm going to get him to read it! Thank you for sharing. :) You guys are so awesome. {{{HUGS}}}


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