Hello, readers! Thanks to those of you who reached out to me recently. I was just on the verge of needing a blog break when I injured my back. Between pain meds and having to seriously step back from our dynamic (no spanking, y’all, for weeks), I needed to take a blogging break. I just find it really hard to delve into all of this when my need for it’s so high, and not being met!
Jason and I are in a much better place now. My back is better, and we’ve really pushed hard at making time and space for our dynamic even if that meant switching things up a bit. We’re slowly getting back on track. J
A few times I’ve mentioned Dan over at the Disciplined Husband’s and Disciplinary Wives Forum. I respect his opinions and enjoy engaging in conversations about the dynamic, and he visits here from time to time himself. We thought it would be fun if we tackled a few topics from the male-led and female-led angle. Dan and I have found that while many parallels can be made between the dynamics, there are some differences as well.
So we agreed on today’s topic, taken from a poster in our Facebook group.
There is a lot of conversation around subs expressing higher "need"( which may or may not show up as neediness) for this dynamic. How does this play out in both M/f and F/m relationships?
Dan makes some excellent points between the difference between fantasy and reality, and I completely agree with this. It seems that there are many, many of us who have or had a concept of what this dynamic would be like, only to find that the actual practice of it is a far different reality. There are several reasons behind it, and I can share my own experience.
I found that the erotic appeal to me drastically affected my desire for this dynamic. It was just plain sexy to want to be dominated, and once Jason added discipline to our relationship, I looked at him in a different light. My husband has always been dominant, but my welcoming his dominance into our relationship by agreeing to his being an authority radically changed things. So because I found Jason’s dominance sexy, I assumed that when he spanked me, it would be…well, sexy. Turns out I’m not a masochist. I’m not turned on by the actual pain, but the exchange of power. Also, the idea of submitting to someone was a lot more appealing than actually having to do things like, say, accept a “no” from him.
Initially? My idea of having Jason be my Dom was a little like this:
Over time, it evolved into something like this:
So why do we continue it, then? It resolves conflict. It keeps the romance alive for us. And over time, now having practiced this for 5 ½ years, we very much think that it defines who we are. He’s comfortable in his role as my Dom and I’m comfortable in my role as his submissive. But who was more into this at first? Definitely me. Though he was the one who first disciplined me before I ever asked, I was the one who knew that Domestic Discipline was a lifestyle choice, and that our Dom/sub roles were a possibility. He had no interest in reading anything online, or interacting with others. He was only interested in me and my needs, and what I wanted from this. It wasn’t until he embraced this lifestyle and saw the benefits that it truly became a part of who he was, too.
Does that differ from couple to couple? I’m sure it does. I know that for us, though, we weren’t making a role shift. I’ve always been submissive to him, and he’s always been the dominant partner, even before we were married, so this dynamic was more of a natural shift for us. For those who have to make a dynamic shift with roles, I believe that reluctance often plays a much bigger part.
Do I have a higher need for this? I did, at first, yes, and largely because my headspace was focused on the end-game, and his wasn’t. Over the past few weeks, when we couldn’t engage in regular role-affirmation, I began to feel distanced from him, and I longed to submit again. I missed kneeling, and going over his lap. And he was, to be blunt, a total bear. I had thought that I was the only one missing our regular dynamic, but I was very wrong. I talked it out with him, and he agrees and we’ve concluded that although initially my need for this was much stronger than his, now that we’ve embraced our roles, we both need this in our relationship (he says it’s a good 60/40 percent, with my need being a bit stronger than his).
So I will pose similar questions now to my readers that Dan did.
Do you feel you want or need this more deeply than your spouse does? What do you think explains why or why you don’t want this kind of relationship more deeply than your spouse does?