I think we're back. We've eased back into things as best we can, and it's been challenging as Jason was hesitant to really spank me. There are many things we can do in this to keep us in our roles, but there comes a time when I really just need a good, hard session. I don't need it anywhere often as I used to and I think that's partly because we're more solidly established in our roles. I know what's expected of me, and he meets my needs fairly intuitively. It's a sort of dance, really, and I follow his lead but he guides me, and when we both move together, it works.
This weekend I was feeling the stress of many things. One of my children needed me, as he was struggling, and I poured myself into being the mother he needs. I had a great deal of work to do, and though I truly love my work, it's the type of work that requires mental focus and emotional energy, so it does drain me. And then the needs of my house beckoned, as always. Laundry and meals and sheets and a bit of a spring clean was in order. Between Friday and Saturday I could feel myself getting wound up tighter and tighter.
Our hairbrush has been missing for a while. Ok, that's not true. It was in my van, because my youngest daughter grabbed it to brush her hair, and I conveniently thought tucking it under the console might be a good idea. Out of sight, out of mind, right? (Please recall I hate being spanked with my hairbrush with a passion. There's nothing sexy about it. It's pure evil). Jason said to me, "I haven't seen that hairbrush in a while. Where did it go?"
I can't lie to him. "I know where it is," I said, cringing, which made him laugh.
He chucked a finger under my chin. "Bring it up." He laughed outright when he saw what must've been a deer-in-the-headlights look, because he hugged me and said, "I just want to brush your hair with it. I won't spank you with it. Well, unless I need to."
That maybe was supposed to be reassuring. Ha! So I brought it up and I have to admit, knowing it's right there and he'll use it "if he needs to" has made me behave myself. Yesterday I got a little ornery and he did say to me, "Don't make me use that brush." Out came the halo.
So Saturday he could feel me coiling like a spring, ready to snap under the pressure and intensity of my duties. He shut and locked the door, and got the eraser. Weirdest, wickedest implement, his stout little rubber paddle that hurts like hell.
I knew I needed this. He knew I did. I still didn't want to. I knelt. He knew where my head and heart were, since his hands went to both sides of my face and he made me look at him that way...not as dominant a move as when he grasps my chin and I can't look away, but a more tender daddy move that makes me know I'm the center of his attention.
"Let's get you back on track," he said. I like that he said let's. He'll help me, but I have to agree, so it's both of us getting me back on track.
"I need a spanking," I said, and he didn't need me to tell him, but it was a sort of acknowledgment that a good, long, stress relief session was in order. He just smiled and said, "I know."
Regular readers of this blog will likely know that I didn't just hop up on his lap and take my spanking. I don't really roll that way. I had to squirm and fight it because spankings hurt, I'm a wimp, and Jason knows how to spank. But he didn't get upset or angry, he just held my hand on my lower back, told me to relax, warmed me up and then spanked me very slowly, very firmly, until my whole body slumped over his knee and I was calm, and even then he let me have a few really hard whacks for good measure. I know in my head that it's the combination of submitting to him, being the center of his focus, releasing my stress, and hormones, and a whole bunch of other things that make this work.
But even though I know that, I never really will fully grasp why lying over my husband's lap for a sound spanking centers me. But it does. My backside ached from that spanking all day and into he next, but it was a reassurance of who we are, a reminder of why we do this.
Yesterday I got a little emotional. I'm struggling with the changes in my life. I mourn the loss of the days when I was a stay-at-home mama to littles. It was hard and it was stressful, but it was a big part of my identity. Now I'm a working mom of teens and littles. "I should be happy," I told Jason. "And I am. But I miss those days and I don't think I was ready to see them go." I sniffed a bit, wiping at my eyes. "But the other day I was thinking I have a lot to be grateful for. Our marriage is strong and intact, we have really amazing kids, and I have a fulfilling career. Those are all beautiful things."
He smiled and kissed my forehead. "And you have a Dom who loves you."
Yes. A Dom that loves me. I'm at a different stage of my life right now, and I'm giving myself the space to ease into this with grace. But there's no place I'd rather be.