Monday, May 21, 2018

Home with Daddy

Hey there, blog readers. I'm here to tell you...I survived! Last week I traveled away from Jason and I was pretty nervous doing it. It's hard to admit that being a 24/7 submissive has its downside, but I suppose it's a fair trade. If I reap the benefits of being Jason's submissive, than it only stands to reason that I will struggle with things from time to time. I think for me, the most important thing is to recognize when I may struggle, and to put accommodations in place to succeed. 

So last week, I was on my way to a conference and I knew I'd be apart from Jason for nearly five days. He refused to put me in a total place of submission before I left. I didn't like that he wouldn't. I wanted that before I left. Still, I knew in my heart he was right, and when I shared this with some like-minded friends while I was away, they understood that. I told them he'd decided this and that I didn't like it, but it was what I needed. 

"What he did was Dom you," one friend said. 

"He didn't let you top from the bottom," said another. And though I think deep down inside I knew the truth in that, I still needed to hear that. 

Sometimes domming me means not giving me what I want. He told me he needed me to be able to handle myself when I was away, and that he'd leave me in some of my dominant head space. So although we connected -- he spanked me, and we spent a good deal of time together before I left -- he kept a very close eye on where I was mentally and didn't totally strip me down. 

What does it mean to be totally stripped down? It's my happy place of total surrender. I can't get there on my own. He has to bring me there. I can submit, and I can go through the motions, but I can't be in my total place of submission, at his feet and malleable, with my walls totally down, vulnerable and waiting for him to lead me, without him here to catch me. 

I've been there. It's not good. 


So though he brought me to submission before I left, I wasn't totally stripped. Being totally stripped is intense and often involves a whole bunch of different submission exercises, mental, physical, and sexual. When I'm in a total submissive headspace, I can't even think of defying him. To please him is my primary concern. I'm putty in his hands. 


It's a lovely, very dangerous place to be. Why? Because it leads me to a place of dependency that's only really safe if he's with me, and that's really only safe when I'm with someone I completely trust. 

I trust Jason with everything. I know in my heart I would lay down my life for him, and that he has my very best needs in mind. But he's my husband and my long-term dom. That level of trust doesn't happen right away, and I do think it's safest for that level of trust to be earned.

So when I left, I had my bracelet and collar and he'd taken very good care of me. The travel was long and fairly arduous, and I arrived at my destination late, late at night. I checked in with him throughout the day, and finally told him I'd arrived and went to bed. 

We had a verbal check-in over the phone the next morning, and he went over my rules. I went over my plan for the day, and I was feeling really pretty good about things. And so the week went on. We Facetimed and chatted and texted, but only a few times a day. Although it was necessary for me to have regular contact with him, it was also necessary for me to handle things on my own. To make decisions. To socialize. To behave the way he would want me to. 

By around Thursday, I had a sort of ache inside that I know very well. It's that longing to be submitted to him that I crave when we've been apart. I'm so accustomed to the intimacy of being submitted to him, that even a few days without it leaves me wanting. I was with likeminded friends, and sort of muttered to one of them, "I really, really need a good session." She nodded in sympathy, and reminded me that I'd be in just over a day. I had to force myself not to think of what I needed, and ignore the craving inside to be submitted to him. To kneel, or lay over his lap. I did call him, though, because I needed to say Daddy. 

Friday morning, I knew I was going home. I'll admit I was nervous. I'd never flown alone before, and I had a nine hour journey with a connection flight and a layover in an airport I've never been to. I got my things and did what I was supposed to. Fortunately I fly often enough that it was pretty routine. And it wasn't until I was on my way to the gate that I was overcome with serious anxiety. I took deep breaths and swallowed hard and made myself stay focused. I texted Jason, who reminded me he was waiting for me and said things like, you can do this. You're going to be fine. 

He was right. I was. 

I made it home around two in the morning. Jason was home with our kids so I got a ride home, and when I pulled up, he was there waiting for me. He came to get my bags, which made me positively swoon, and kissed me on the front lawn. I was home. With him. My heart was so full. 

He placed all my things down, took me by the hand, and led me straight upstairs. 

He climbed up onto the bed and said, "I have something for you." He patted his chest, and I grinned, and hopped on up and snuggled in. 

"This is your place," he said. It is. I love resting my cheek on his chest and snuggling in, being held so close like that. I told him everything, gabbed on and on about my friends and my trip and what I did. What was funny and poignant, and what interesting things had happened. He listened and laughed, and held me. But then I had to ask him. 

"Will you please spank me? Just a little?" I needed to feel my Daddy again. 

He grinned and patted the bed for me to assume the position. I did, and he spanked me, and it was like drinking water in a desert. So fulfilling. But what I really wanted was to go over his knee. To feel his knee beneath my belly while I surrender to him brings me to that place I crave. Over his knee I went, and he gave me the most delicious session with his hand, exactly what I needed. Then we moved on to bigger and better things. 

Deep sigh. I was so content to connect with him again. So content to be home. Proud of myself I'd survived the travel and separation without losing my mind. I have to say that he did the right thing not stripping me down. 

I don't travel again without him until the fall, and then it'll only be for a shorter distance and for four days. But now we know what works, and as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. 😌




Monday, May 14, 2018

Traveling without him

Today, I get on a plane and travel about 3,000 miles away from Jason. I’ll be gone for most of the week, and though I’m so looking forward to the trip, I started feeling the beginning of an anxiety attack yesterday. I told Jason, who pulled me into him and talked me down.

I travel without him a few times a year. We have our reasons, and though I know the obvious answer might be “well, don’t travel without him, then,” sometimes it becomes inevitable that we’re separated, so I’d honestly far rather learn to deal with it instead of avoiding it. That's Jason's preference, too. The reality is, with this lifestyle, you draw really close to your significant other. He dislikes being apart from me as much as I dislike being apart from him.





So I’ll be a big girl about it. I’ll do my best to enjoy my trip. But because I know going into this that my anxiety can sometimes get high without him here, we have a few things we do before I leave.

First, Jason replaced my bracelet. I lost mine a few weeks ago, and I’ve felt so off without it. I still have my collar, and for that I’m grateful, but this bracelet was my first “collar” of sorts. He has a bead on it that says “Daddy’s little girl,” and he snaps it on my bracelet as part of our morning check-in ritual. (I’ve been asked about morning check-in recently and forgot to reply. Morning check-in is when I kneel in front of Jason, he goes over my rules and my daily to-do list, then puts my bracelet on and almost always spanks me for maintenance to help me get into a submissive mindset).

Yesterday, he gave me his Mother’s Day gift to me:



I got a little weepy. I missed having this, and he chose the prettiest beads. It felt so nice to have it against my wrist again. He even found the "Daddy's little girl" one again. 

We’re going to Facetime, and he’s going to call me to do a modified version of a check-in. It’s honestly not the social aspect of things that I find difficult. When I get overwhelmed with crowds and the like, I just step away and regroup, even if I need to skip out on something and spend some time alone for a while. But the decisions overwhelm me. At my last conference a few weeks ago, I actually got myself way worked up trying to decide what to wear. It might seem silly. But I get “decisioned out.” Part of the joy of being a full-time submissive is that Jason takes away a lot of my stress by deciding for me.

And isn’t that really the best part of all this? The payoff? Having someone who can listen, and guide, and remove the stress of the world? Submitting to him frees my mind and heart. He helps me slay the dragons that threaten to tear me down, the inner censors that tear me apart. He helps me take care of myself and my family, stay on task with my goals, and calm my mind that spins and spins like a merry-go-round.

So I brought my brush to him, and asked him to spank me. I hate this thing. It’s awfullll. Seriously. Every time I mention the brush, someone asks me where they can get one just like it, and I feel the need to tell you, this is a severe implement. It’s varnished, thick, and small, so the impact is intense. (But you can get it here if  you must: LINK). Don't say I didn't warn you. 



I only ever get it for very serious punishment. He’ll even threaten me with it. “If you ever do that again, you’ll get the brush.” And I shudder, because I know being punished with it is awful. I’m ready to fly out of my skin after the first smack, and it’s never just one smack.

But the effect is lasting. It stings for days. And…well, that’s what I need right now.

Last night, he took it out, pulled me up to him and brushed my hair with it. We talked about my travel, and put together a plan to stay connected. And he spanked me with the brush. It was a moderate spanking, and today he says will be a lot more serious. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I know this is something I need. 

He said, "I'm not going to totally strip you down, though." I asked him what he meant. He said, "I can't bring you into total submission before you leave, because you need to have some of that independence to get you through." So I'm not entirely sure what this morning will bring. I trust him, though, and know that he'll for sure bring me back into total submission when I return. 

What I really need is just a reminder that he’s still my Daddy, and I’m still his Babygirl. How will things go? I'll fill you in when I get back. :) 


Monday, May 7, 2018

Craving Discipline, part three: The Erotic Appeal

Hey, everyone. Jane here. My computer was in the hospital (le gasp!), then I was at a conference, and I had three books come out in the course of six weeks (never again!) so I haven't been able to blog. I will blog again some time this week. I'm really dying to get back into it! Since the blog is still going five years later and there are hundreds of posts, during this busy time in my life, I'm going to be re-posting some older posts occasionally. I hope you enjoy this reboot of a post I wrote four years ago. Lately I've been craving the taste of real discipline (not so badly I've earned a session, but bad enough I'll be asking Jason for a firm reminder this morning) and remembered this old post. I'll write again soon. xoxo Jane

*********************

This is the third part of a series of posts on "Craving Discipline," an attempt at delving a bit deeper into our need for discipline, the issues that come up, and why we aren't alone in dealing with them. This is PART ONE and this is PART TWO

Today I'd like to take a look at what, to me, was a surprising issue that surfaced when first I began down this journey Domestic Discipline took us on. Jason and I began with erotic spanking. I assumed everyone did. The concept of being disciplined by my husband, at the time, was repulsive to me. Occasionally I'd come across a story or a blog post that explained real discipline. And I was drawn to it. But I pushed down my instinctual responses with thoughts like This is wrong and No man has the right to discipline his wife like a child. I forced my brain to shut off any erotic associations with discipline, because surely I was the only one on the planet who found that somehow sexy. 

Well, I've changed my mind, you might say. The day my husband looked at me and said, "Do that again and you'll get a real spanking," the same feelings I'd had before -- you know, heart pounding, cheeks flushed, labored breathing -- surfaced. I pushed them down again. But this only lasted for a few seconds. 

When I challenged him -- shock and curiosity intermingling with my wide-eyed "You wouldn't!" -- he crossed the room, belt in hand, and overpowered me. With one fluid motion, he bent me over the bed, said something like, "You think I'm kidding?" and landed a few stinging swats. 

My heart was stuttering so badly I could hardly see or hear. And all day long...the thought of being bent over his knee was all I could think of. I'd had plenty of amazing sexy spankings...but they were all foreplay. 

All I could envision was my man...the stern look on his face. 

Do it again, and you'll get a real spanking. 

The grip of his hand on my wrist, as he bent me over the bed...

The feel of the belt landing with serious sting. 

And as I mulled over my feelings...my draw to his discipline...my mind that told me No, this isn't right...I found the erotic appeal of real discipline undeniable.




Now some may find this an obvious point. "Of course it's erotic." But I think it's worthy of discussion. 



Not everyone believes being taken in hand is deeply erotic. There are a select few who find it not sexy at all, or they say they do anyway. I have a hard time imagining that, personally, but I respect that others feel differently than I do. 



However, there are many people who deny it, and do themselves a disservice by doing so. And that's why I think this issue needs to be out in the open, where we can discuss it. 



I was asked fairy recently why we do what we do. And my explanation, though fairly lengthy, boils down to two basic reasons. First, it's a form of conflict resolution. We have peace and harmony in our relationship because of Domestic Discipline. Second, it's deeply erotic. Honestly, to us, Dominance and Submission would be stripped of all it's appeal without the erotic undertones. 



There are many, many reasons why we the act of being spanked is sexy. There is a complete loss of control. There is absolute trust. The act itself can be physically arousing. Instinctively, our primal attraction to strength and being overpowered comes into play. 








But the reason for my post today is not to get into reasons why dominance and submission is erotic. My reason in writing today is because I've been around the DD community for a while now, and I see so much confusion with this topic. There are even prominent members of the community that say "if you are attracted sexually to spanking, you shouldn't partake in DD." And that's why I'm writing this post. Because that is absolute hogwash. 



There are some people who begin this dynamic who are confused about this. 



If I find it arousing to spank her, how can I discipline her? 



If he spanks me and I'm attracted to it, how can I still be motivated to behave? 



How is it going to help her behave if she's attracted to spanking?



He finds it sexy. I don't know if we can do this.



There is a widespread concern in the community that the erotic appeal somehow detracts from the authenticity of Domestic Discipline. No, dear readers. It doesn't at all detract from it. It's at the absolute heart of it all. It doesn't make it a game. It's what makes it work. Frankly, it's one of the very many reasons a Taken in hand relationship differs from a parent-child relationship (though that's the topic of another post) and why it's ridiculous to claim it is childish. 



When an Hoh takes his wife over his knee, very often she's bared to him. It is natural, and normal, to find that sexy. People ask me all the time, "Is your husband turned on when he spanks you?" Of course he is because it's sexy




But the reason a Domestic Discipline dynamic still works, even though it is sexy, is because the erotic appeal is only part of what happens. If it ended there -- and it merely aroused both parties -- it would be erotic spanking, and no more. But much more takes place. 



When a punishment spanking is administered, there is acknowledgement that wrongdoing has happened, and that's hard to accept. It takes honesty and integrity to admit to wrongdoing. When a punishment spanking is administered, there is disappointment. But so much more begins to happen. Conflict is resolved. There are no more hard feelings, no more guilt, no more anger. Conflict is put to rest. The pain of the spanking is what lingers, and motivates the Taken in Hand to behave. The trust given the Head of Household, and the treasuring of that trust, brings about intimacy. Now add the erotic overtones of spanking into the mix, and you have intimacy like no other. 



Peace. Trust. Resolution. 



Intimacy. 



There is nothing I find sexier than my husband putting me over his knee. The mere words, "Do I need to put you over my knee, young lady?" make my heart begin to beat faster. His hand on my wrist makes the heat rise. The first smack of his hand on my bottom spikes my pulse. The knowledge that he is strong, and stern, and will administer a proper spanking if necessary, brings about feelings of being girly, and feminine, and shy. But the knowledge that I will be punished if I misbehave still very much has the desired effect. 



I'd love to hear from you, readers. What do you feel about the erotic appeal of discipline and spanking? How has it affected your DD dynamic? What advice might you give to someone struggling with this? 



For those following this series, I urge you to read in the comment section below each post. The dialogue and contributions readers have made leave excellent points to ponder and food for thought.