Hey there, blog readers. I'm here to tell you...I survived! Last week I traveled away from Jason and I was pretty nervous doing it. It's hard to admit that being a 24/7 submissive has its downside, but I suppose it's a fair trade. If I reap the benefits of being Jason's submissive, than it only stands to reason that I will struggle with things from time to time. I think for me, the most important thing is to recognize when I may struggle, and to put accommodations in place to succeed.
So last week, I was on my way to a conference and I knew I'd be apart from Jason for nearly five days. He refused to put me in a total place of submission before I left. I didn't like that he wouldn't. I wanted that before I left. Still, I knew in my heart he was right, and when I shared this with some like-minded friends while I was away, they understood that. I told them he'd decided this and that I didn't like it, but it was what I needed.
"What he did was Dom you," one friend said.
"He didn't let you top from the bottom," said another. And though I think deep down inside I knew the truth in that, I still needed to hear that.
Sometimes domming me means not giving me what I want. He told me he needed me to be able to handle myself when I was away, and that he'd leave me in some of my dominant head space. So although we connected -- he spanked me, and we spent a good deal of time together before I left -- he kept a very close eye on where I was mentally and didn't totally strip me down.
What does it mean to be totally stripped down? It's my happy place of total surrender. I can't get there on my own. He has to bring me there. I can submit, and I can go through the motions, but I can't be in my total place of submission, at his feet and malleable, with my walls totally down, vulnerable and waiting for him to lead me, without him here to catch me.
I've been there. It's not good.
So though he brought me to submission before I left, I wasn't totally stripped. Being totally stripped is intense and often involves a whole bunch of different submission exercises, mental, physical, and sexual. When I'm in a total submissive headspace, I can't even think of defying him. To please him is my primary concern. I'm putty in his hands.
It's a lovely, very dangerous place to be. Why? Because it leads me to a place of dependency that's only really safe if he's with me, and that's really only safe when I'm with someone I completely trust.
I trust Jason with everything. I know in my heart I would lay down my life for him, and that he has my very best needs in mind. But he's my husband and my long-term dom. That level of trust doesn't happen right away, and I do think it's safest for that level of trust to be earned.
So when I left, I had my bracelet and collar and he'd taken very good care of me. The travel was long and fairly arduous, and I arrived at my destination late, late at night. I checked in with him throughout the day, and finally told him I'd arrived and went to bed.
We had a verbal check-in over the phone the next morning, and he went over my rules. I went over my plan for the day, and I was feeling really pretty good about things. And so the week went on. We Facetimed and chatted and texted, but only a few times a day. Although it was necessary for me to have regular contact with him, it was also necessary for me to handle things on my own. To make decisions. To socialize. To behave the way he would want me to.
By around Thursday, I had a sort of ache inside that I know very well. It's that longing to be submitted to him that I crave when we've been apart. I'm so accustomed to the intimacy of being submitted to him, that even a few days without it leaves me wanting. I was with likeminded friends, and sort of muttered to one of them, "I really, really need a good session." She nodded in sympathy, and reminded me that I'd be in just over a day. I had to force myself not to think of what I needed, and ignore the craving inside to be submitted to him. To kneel, or lay over his lap. I did call him, though, because I needed to say Daddy.
Friday morning, I knew I was going home. I'll admit I was nervous. I'd never flown alone before, and I had a nine hour journey with a connection flight and a layover in an airport I've never been to. I got my things and did what I was supposed to. Fortunately I fly often enough that it was pretty routine. And it wasn't until I was on my way to the gate that I was overcome with serious anxiety. I took deep breaths and swallowed hard and made myself stay focused. I texted Jason, who reminded me he was waiting for me and said things like, you can do this. You're going to be fine.
He was right. I was.
I made it home around two in the morning. Jason was home with our kids so I got a ride home, and when I pulled up, he was there waiting for me. He came to get my bags, which made me positively swoon, and kissed me on the front lawn. I was home. With him. My heart was so full.
He placed all my things down, took me by the hand, and led me straight upstairs.
He climbed up onto the bed and said, "I have something for you." He patted his chest, and I grinned, and hopped on up and snuggled in.
"This is your place," he said. It is. I love resting my cheek on his chest and snuggling in, being held so close like that. I told him everything, gabbed on and on about my friends and my trip and what I did. What was funny and poignant, and what interesting things had happened. He listened and laughed, and held me. But then I had to ask him.
"Will you please spank me? Just a little?" I needed to feel my Daddy again.
He grinned and patted the bed for me to assume the position. I did, and he spanked me, and it was like drinking water in a desert. So fulfilling. But what I really wanted was to go over his knee. To feel his knee beneath my belly while I surrender to him brings me to that place I crave. Over his knee I went, and he gave me the most delicious session with his hand, exactly what I needed. Then we moved on to bigger and better things.
Deep sigh. I was so content to connect with him again. So content to be home. Proud of myself I'd survived the travel and separation without losing my mind. I have to say that he did the right thing not stripping me down.
I don't travel again without him until the fall, and then it'll only be for a shorter distance and for four days. But now we know what works, and as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. 😌