Today, I get on a plane and travel about 3,000 miles away from Jason. I’ll be gone for most of the week, and though I’m so looking forward to the trip, I started feeling the beginning of an anxiety attack yesterday. I told Jason, who pulled me into him and talked me down.
I travel without him a few times a year. We have our reasons, and though I know the obvious answer might be “well, don’t travel without him, then,” sometimes it becomes inevitable that we’re separated, so I’d honestly far rather learn to deal with it instead of avoiding it. That's Jason's preference, too. The reality is, with this lifestyle, you draw really close to your significant other. He dislikes being apart from me as much as I dislike being apart from him.
So I’ll be a big girl about it. I’ll do my best to enjoy my trip. But because I know going into this that my anxiety can sometimes get high without him here, we have a few things we do before I leave.
First, Jason replaced my bracelet. I lost mine a few weeks ago, and I’ve felt so off without it. I still have my collar, and for that I’m grateful, but this bracelet was my first “collar” of sorts. He has a bead on it that says “Daddy’s little girl,” and he snaps it on my bracelet as part of our morning check-in ritual. (I’ve been asked about morning check-in recently and forgot to reply. Morning check-in is when I kneel in front of Jason, he goes over my rules and my daily to-do list, then puts my bracelet on and almost always spanks me for maintenance to help me get into a submissive mindset).
Yesterday, he gave me his Mother’s Day gift to me:
I got a little weepy. I missed having this, and he chose the prettiest beads. It felt so nice to have it against my wrist again. He even found the "Daddy's little girl" one again.
We’re going to Facetime, and he’s going to call me to do a modified version of a check-in. It’s honestly not the social aspect of things that I find difficult. When I get overwhelmed with crowds and the like, I just step away and regroup, even if I need to skip out on something and spend some time alone for a while. But the decisions overwhelm me. At my last conference a few weeks ago, I actually got myself way worked up trying to decide what to wear. It might seem silly. But I get “decisioned out.” Part of the joy of being a full-time submissive is that Jason takes away a lot of my stress by deciding for me.
And isn’t that really the best part of all this? The payoff? Having someone who can listen, and guide, and remove the stress of the world? Submitting to him frees my mind and heart. He helps me slay the dragons that threaten to tear me down, the inner censors that tear me apart. He helps me take care of myself and my family, stay on task with my goals, and calm my mind that spins and spins like a merry-go-round.
So I brought my brush to him, and asked him to spank me. I hate this thing. It’s awfullll. Seriously. Every time I mention the brush, someone asks me where they can get one just like it, and I feel the need to tell you, this is a severe implement. It’s varnished, thick, and small, so the impact is intense. (But you can get it here if you must: LINK). Don't say I didn't warn you.
I only ever get it for very serious punishment. He’ll even threaten me with it. “If you ever do that again, you’ll get the brush.” And I shudder, because I know being punished with it is awful. I’m ready to fly out of my skin after the first smack, and it’s never just one smack.
But the effect is lasting. It stings for days. And…well, that’s what I need right now.
Last night, he took it out, pulled me up to him and brushed my hair with it. We talked about my travel, and put together a plan to stay connected. And he spanked me with the brush. It was a moderate spanking, and today he says will be a lot more serious. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I know this is something I need.
He said, "I'm not going to totally strip you down, though." I asked him what he meant. He said, "I can't bring you into total submission before you leave, because you need to have some of that independence to get you through." So I'm not entirely sure what this morning will bring. I trust him, though, and know that he'll for sure bring me back into total submission when I return.
What I really need is just a reminder that he’s still my Daddy, and I’m still his Babygirl. How will things go? I'll fill you in when I get back. :)